


(Just Like) Starting Over

by thepocketdragon



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Family, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 113,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26494972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepocketdragon/pseuds/thepocketdragon
Summary: It has been five years since Beca last saw Chloe. Five years in which everything has changed. When Beca moves back to Georgia from LA, a chance encounter brings the two back together. The pair must question whether there is space for each other in their lives, especially since Beca’s heart is now fully devoted to someone new.Mostly canon (including PP3). Chloe as a vet/ animal therapist. Beca as a special needs single mom. Beca-centric story. The slowest of the slow burns (wish I was sorry).
Relationships: Chloe Beale & Beca Mitchell, Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Comments: 501
Kudos: 567





	1. Mother

**Author's Note:**

> This is another half-finished story I found on my hard drive. I'm working really hard on finishing this one and decided to start posting to give me a kick to get it done. 
> 
> Obviously, all PP characters are not mine. LPM is based on an amalgamation of real kids who are very important to me; please be kind to him.

The studio door closed with a satisfying ‘clunk’.

Three steps to the car.

  
Two.

One.

Beca Mitchell let out a long sigh as she let herself settle into the driver’s seat of her car, feeling the muscles in her back twinge as she moved. Placing her hand on the steering wheel, she blinked slowly, readying herself to drive home. Exhaustion was hitting her on the back of the head and she knew she would need the last reserves of her energy for when she got to the door of her house.

Scrolling through her phone and pressing play, Beca smiled as the familiar tones echoed through the car’s speakers. “Welcome back to This American Life.” Beca felt herself relax. Her life was music; making music. She had trained her ears to listen carefully, but it had taken some of the joy out of it. Listening to music sometimes felt like work. She couldn’t help but criticise. Couldn’t help hearing the way sounds had been blended, picturing the hours in the studio it had taken to get the song ready to be broadcast to the world. Podcasts were her time to relax. Plus, she acknowledged with a degree of sadness, sometimes it was the only adult voice she heard outside of work.

The Atlanta traffic was much quieter at this hour than Beca had anticipated. Her body was still hard-wired to follow the rules she had learned while developing her craft in LA; if you need to be anywhere on time, leave an hour before you think you need to. Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, she couldn’t help but think back to the last time she had lived in this city. Barden University. Moving back to Georgia had been a big decision for many reasons, but Barden had always been at the back of her mind. In the end, there was still something about Atlanta that pulled her in. It felt like home.

Home.

Beca glanced up as she pulled up outside her house, checking which lights were still on. It was just after 7pm. The witching hour. She sighed as she killed the engine, mentally preparing herself for whatever was on the other side of the door.

Pushing her way inside, Beca paused to listen for the familiar sounds of home. The shuffling of feet. The quiet murmur of a TV left unattended in another room. The hum of the refrigerator. She quietly closed the door, holding it carefully so that it clicked shut, hoping that silence meant sleep and not ‘calm before the storm’. Placing her bag down on the table under the stairs, she shrugged off her leather jacket and made her way into the kitchen.

“Hi”.

Beca couldn’t help but smile as she noticed the place set out at the table by her personal assistant. “Pip, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. You’re an angel.”

Pip smiled. “You really need to stop saying that. You’ll give me a complex.” Beca smiled at the young woman stood before her, her blonde hair always so impeccably placed, even after a day of work. A day of madness. The kind of day she knew only too well.

“Well, you deserve to hear it. How… how was today?”

Pip shrugged. “It was OK. We, ah, we went to the park to feed the ducks. We did a couple puzzles and played a little with the sand tray. And then I let Mickey Mouse do his share of the childcare while I did emails and sorted your mail.”

Beca finished her mouthful before speaking. “Thank you. I… I know this isn’t your job. You’re brilliant. I… I don’t quite know how to repay you but, honestly, I’m going to find a way.”

Pip smiled. “Thanks Miss….”

Beca glared, half-joking. “What have I said? Please call me Beca. ‘Miss Mitchell’ is what my gynaecologist calls me.”

“Fine. Well, thanks Beca. I know it’s a bit hectic for you at the moment” _Understatement,_ Beca thought, “and we all want this project to get off the ground. And if me watching Mickey and the Roadster Racers helps, then I don’t mind.” Beca watched as the young woman, her PA-come-lifesaver, walked over to the edge of the kitchen. “A couple letters came through for you today. I think one of them has been redirected from LA. Anyway, this one looks exciting.”

Beca glanced down at the envelope being proffered at her and caught the emblem on the corner. Taking it, she smoothed over the glossy green crest with her thumb. “It’s from this magnet school in Studio City. I… I did some work with the kids last year and, well, I think they’ve sent a prospectus for…”

Beca paused, looking up as a scruffy head of hair appeared in the doorway. Holding out her arms, she smiled. “Hi, buddy. I thought you were in bed. Cuddles with mommy?”

Tiny feet padded across the tiled floor until Beca felt the weight and warmth of her son pressing against her chest. Pushing another forkful of her dinner into her mouth, she ran her fingers over the mousy mop of hair. “Did you have a good day, little guy?”

Beca felt a vibration against her skin as he opened his mouth. “Mmmm ba ba mmmm.” Beca listened to the intonation, trying to work out what he was trying to say. She answered, continuing the conversation as if he’d been understood perfectly.

“And did you have fun with Pip?” She smiled up at her PA, who was stacking the dishwasher, and wondered why the girl was still in her kitchen and what she had done to be blessed with her. Carefully standing up, Beca placed a hand on her son’s shoulders. “Let me take you back to bed. We need to make sure Pip gets home at a decent hour for once.” She winked at her young assistant. “Say bye bye, dude?”

A tiny hand flapped twice. Beca noticed Pip’s grin and knew hers was just as wide. _Communicating in context! Yes!_ Pip echoed his movements. “Bye, little man. See you tomorrow?” She looked up at Beca. “I’ll let myself out. See you in the morning.”

Beca nodded, bending down to lift her son onto her hip. “Thanks again. Drive safe.”

As they were left in the kitchen, Beca leaned close and kissed her son’s head, breathing in the scent of laundry, sleep and love. It was hypnotic. “Come on, bud. Time for bed.”

Bedtime hadn’t always been easy, but it had always been Beca’s favourite time of day. Since becoming a mother, she had loved this time they got to spend together. The peace of the dusk; the stillness after a day of chaos and play and colour and sound. She laid her son down on his pillow, pulling the covers up to his chin. Reaching behind her, mind on autopilot, she flicked on the star projector and watched as tiny brown eyes traced the movement of soft, dancing lights on the ceiling for a few moments before fluttering closed.

She let herself sink into the silence for a moment, enjoying the simplicity. It grounded her. In this space, in this time, it was her and him and nothing else.

The sensation of movement around her ankles made her jump. Beca pulled herself up from the side of the bed and looked down at the small, grey cat winding around her legs. Sensing she had attention, the feline looked up and began to meow. Beca winced. “When will you learn not to do that in here? Look,” she pointed, knowing this was all for her, “the baby’s sleeping.” Stepping out of the bedroom, she waited for the cat to follow before closing the door. “How many times? Anyway, what do you want? Are you seriously telling me Pip didn’t feed you? Because I think you’re a big fat liar.”

The cat blinked, tilting her head. Beca sighed, unsure at which point in her life she had descended into complete madness.

“Fine. Come on. I need to finish my dinner anyway. Might as well share. Let’s leave Lennon alone, yeah?”

Beca made her way back to the kitchen and tipped some extra treats into the cat’s bowl before resuming her now lukewarm dinner. The envelope still sat on the table. Curious to see what it was actually about, she opened it.

“ _Dear Ms Mitchell._

_Firstly, please let me thank you once again for your support with our music program. The students really enjoyed your input. I hope we can continue to have a working relationship with Residual Heat; I would be happy to discuss the development of opportunities for some of our musically gifted students with your team in the future._

_In the meantime, I have enclosed a prospectus and some information regarding admissions. I understand your son is still young, but we would be delighted to secure a placement for him ready for when he is old enough. Especially if he shares your many talents._

_Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any queries._

_Kindest regards_

_Dr G.R Finnegan_

_Academic Director_

_St Hilda’s Academy for Gifted Students, Studio City, Los Angeles._ ”

Beca scrunched her nose at the letter. She had done a quick tour of the studio for the 9th graders and donated some production software as a gesture of goodwill; a colleague in LA had a daughter at the school. It had seemed the right thing to do. Beca certainly hadn’t been angling for anything more than to give back to the community. She certainly hadn’t anticipated being offered a spot on the waiting list for her four-year-old son. The idea of a magnet school had always been foreign to her. School hadn’t been a great experience anyway, and the idea of being singled out any more than she had been made her feel uncomfortable, even 13 years after graduating. Even more so now. Beca sighed. All she wanted in the world was for her son to be normal. Magnet schools weren’t going to be in his future, even if she wanted them to be. The honesty of her thoughts stung her. It hurt, the idea that she sat so far on the opposite end of the bell curve now.

Pulling herself from her seat and scraping her plate into the waste disposal, Beca’s eyes were drawn to the framed photograph she kept on the windowsill next to the sink. It was a simple image; his second birthday. She was holding his hand as he stood, reaching out for the Mickey Mouse balloon her dad was holding behind the camera to get his attention.

He had taken his first steps that day. Towards that very balloon.

It had been one of the greatest moments of Beca’s life. A moment she had never anticipated feeling so huge. Even when she finally had him in her arms, she’d had no idea how much every sign of growth would warm her heart. As she had held her newborn son, she had no idea how hard that journey would be for her. For both of them.

She had named him Lennon after her hero. A musician. A writer. An anarchist. Someone she had looked up to. Someone whose words had made her feel strength stirring in her bones when she had believed she had nothing left. Someone who made her see the world with hope rather than fear. Someone who made music that had changed her life.

Lennon was the only name on her list; girl or boy. She had uttered it out loud for the first time minutes after he was born to an audience of knowing smiles.

Lennon Pascoe Mitchell.

Lennon for her hero.

Pascoe for her mom. It had been her maiden name. It was a way to remember her. Something to connect her to the grandson she would never get the chance to meet.

Mitchell for her. For independence. For family. He wouldn’t have a normal life, she knew that, but she had wanted him to know he belonged. Mitchell because she couldn’t bring herself to put anything else down on paper. Mitchell because, even when he was only minutes old, Beca knew it was him and her against the world. Her and him and nothing else.

She had known from the outset something wasn’t right. She had spent time with kids over the years, especially as her cousins and friends had grown older and started families of their own. At first, she put it down to her own anxiety. She had been thrown from partying in exclusive clubs to changing diapers in less than two years. Everything about having a baby had been new. She was scared and, for the most part, she was alone.

When the paediatrician echoed her concerns, the first rush that came over her was relief. Relief that she wasn’t paranoid.

The second was panic.

“He’s not… thriving.”

She had gulped, desperately trying to get some oxygen to her brain. Trying to stop the world from spinning.Trying to focus on the explanation the doctor was giving.

“I’d like to do some more tests.”

From that moment, their life had changed. She learned phrases she’d never even heard before. Learned the roles of fancy doctors with complicated titles. Learned who she would need to become. For him.

If she looked back, she knew that was the moment she had grown up. That was the moment she truly realised what being Lennon’s mother would mean. Forever.

  
Lennon’s mom.

Lennon’s advocate.

  
Lennon’s carer.

Lennon’s voice.

Lennon’s words.

Life would never again revolve around her. Every decision, no matter how small, was made with her son at the front of her mind. She cut her hours to make sure she could take him to every appointment with every specialist on the west coast. She had pulled back from performing a few months into her contract with DJ Khaled and, when she found out she was pregnant, she had taken a production-only job with Residual Heat’s branch in LA to make sure she was never away from home for longer than a day. When the opportunity had come up to move back east and take a position with her old studio, she had taken it on the condition that- until she was settled- the studio provided childcare for Lennon.

The last time she had been at Residual Heat’s Atlanta office she had been 21 years old. Ten years on, she couldn’t quite believe how much her path had changed. She had gone from ‘one to watch’, to one of the most successful young creative artists in the country, to part-time, pregnant producer to special needs mom. Beca looked up at the picture of Lennon and smiled.

She wouldn’t have it any other way. Not now. Now, everything was him.

Her and him and nothing else.


	2. Isolation

“Just a boy and a little girl. Trying to change the whole wide world.”

Beca glanced in the mirror as she sang, checking whether Lennon had managed to stay awake on his early morning car journey. “It’s like he wrote this for us, kiddo. Maybe this is why I named you after him” she said, smiling, knowing what she was saying probably wouldn’t register. Still, she winced as she realised what the next lyrics were.

“I don’t expect you to understand.”

She couldn’t bring herself to sing the next part. “After you’ve caused so much pain. But then again, you’re not to blame. You’re just a human, a victim of the insane.”

Before the song could continue, Beca skipped the track and took in a long, deep breath. “Sorry, bud” she muttered, “sometimes his words are a little… insensitive. It’s not about you.”

Lennon stared out of the window, his precious Mickey Mouse firmly in his grasp, oblivious. Still, Beca couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Guilt, she had discovered, was a bi-product of becoming a parent. She didn’t think it mattered who your kid was. She saw it in everyone. In her friends. In her colleagues. Even in her own parents. Her dad had told her as much when she was pregnant.

“Feeling guilty is just going to be it now, Becs,” he had said. “There’s no way around it. When you love someone that much, you’ll never think you’re enough. But you will be. I know you will be. God, I know you’ll make a better job of this than I ever could. I’m already so proud of you.”

He had kissed her head and told her he loved her and Beca had choked back tears.

“I’d do anything for you, Beca. And I’ll do anything, anything at all, for my grandchild.”

It had taken a long time for Beca to admit she needed her dad in her life. Even after graduation, after moving to New York, getting the chance to make music with DJ Khaled and even after relocating to LA on her own, she had kept up the façade that she was an independent woman and that she was fine. Beca had been surviving but, the older she got and the more her friends began to find their people and settle down, the more she felt a need to reach out. A need to surround herself with people who weren’t paid to say nice things about her. People who knew the real Beca.

Her dad had been the first person she had told when she found out she was pregnant. She had called him, still shaking, from her bathroom, test in hand. The part of her that was still stuck at the stage of being an angsty teen expected him to be mad; especially since the decision to keep the baby had come so innately that it had shocked her to her core. She had expected him to judge her and call her unforgivable things and abandon her. He didn’t. He had taken a breath and told her he could be on the next flight out to LAX if that’s what she needed.

She hadn’t. She’d held off until she was too pregnant to move before she asked for help. Until she couldn’t face another day with some pasty-faced, hipster intern looking at her like she was a manatee escaped from SeaWorld. Her dad and Sheila had arrived three days before Lennon. They’d put up the crib, assembled the complicated stroller she had been gifted and- when the time had come- they’d bundled her into the car and driven her to Cedars-Sinai. Her dad had held her hand as she had pushed, red in the face, until a tiny, screaming bundle was placed on her chest.

That all seemed so long ago now. Four years. Four years of being a mother. Four years on the craziest, hardest journey of her life and, suddenly, she was back where it had all started. Barden University hadn’t changed much at all. It was still leafy and green and the lake still had a brownish hue that made her so glad she’d never been dared to jump in. As she pulled up to the houses on the edge of the campus, farthest away from the student hotspots, Beca couldn’t help but reminisce about her time there. The history they’d made. The laughter. The memories.

The Bellas. The name hit her like a punch to the gut. It had been so long. Too long.

“Where’s that gorgeous boy?” Sheila had come running out of the house as they’d pulled up and, as the anxiety threatening to bubble through her veins subsided, Beca felt the urge to grab the woman and kiss her firmly on the cheek. She didn’t. The urge passed and Beca gave her stepmother her typical half-smile, half-smirk. “Morning Sheila.”

Sheila didn’t seem to be listening. She pulled open the car door and unbuckled Lennon’s complicated seatbelt before pulling him into her arms. Beca watched, arms folded, as the older woman squeezed him. Lennon seemed to let himself go limp in her arms, entirely aware that he wasn’t going to win this battle. As he was placed on the ground, Beca got on his level.

“OK, bud. Remember where we are? Mommy’s going to go to work and Lennon’s going to stay here with Grandpa and Nanna.”

Lennon didn’t look at her. Beca fought the urge to try and get him to focus his eyes, reminding herself that he was listening even if he wasn’t looking.

“I’ve got some of those peanut butter cookies you like, little man” Sheila said in her saccharine, overexcited grandma voice as she led them into the house, “and you can have as many as you like. Nanna doesn’t care if you spoil your dinner.”

Beca clenched her fists in an attempt to keep her mouth shut. Once they got into the house, Lennon ran off into the living room, bouncing as usual on the rug whilst holding himself steady on the coffee table. Beca would have stopped him. Would have pulled off his shoes, maybe wiped the remnants of breakfast off his fingers. Instead, she watched in smug silence, knowing how Sheila was probably going crazy over the tiny, muddy footprints on the floor and the new greasy finger marks on the coffee table.

It was the little victories that kept her going. Even after all these years, spite was great fuel.

“Oh, wow. Someone’s had his oatmeal!”

Beca nodded as her dad came into the room. “Oh, for sure. He’s been up since 4.30. Like the Energizer bunny only with a Tickle-Me Elmo he likes to throw in my face.”

Dr Mitchell put an arm around his daughter’s shoulder. “Well, we’ll take him off your hands for a couple hours. Are you ready for today?”

Beca sighed and shook her head. “Not particularly. I… I know it’s something I need to face but it feels so real all of a sudden.” She looked across at her little boy. “I can’t believe he’s four. I can’t believe he’s going to school soon. It… he’s a baby, you know? He’s just a baby. He’s not ready.”

Sheila smiled softly. “Honey, he’ll be great. My sister’s nephew has a son who goes to one of those special needs schools and he’s doin’ just fine.” Beca knew her stepmother was only trying to reassure her, but the whiny southern drawl triggered something in her teenage brain that automatically flipped a switch. “He’s, uh, what are you supposed to call it now?” She tapped her impossibly pink nails on the sideboard, “he’s got one of those syndromes, you know? Anyway, Patty always says how good he’s doin’. They have all sorts of therapists and I think he even goes out to ride horses in one class.”

Beca simply nodded. “Yeah, this, uh… this place has horses too, I think. And a pool.”

“Well, I know he’ll love that” Dr Mitchell said with a smile. “Do you want a coffee before you go?”

“No, but thanks” Beca said politely. “I should probably get on the road. Plus you know I don’t want to confuse him. I… I’ll just say goodbye and then I’ll be on my way.” Beca moved over to the couch and touched her son’s arm gently. He didn’t stop bouncing, but she could tell he knew she was there.

“Ok. Listening time.” She tapped her ear as she spoke, cueing him in. Lennon paused for a moment, giving Beca a second to breathe. “Mommy’s going to go. Lennon stays with Grandpa and Nanna. You’ll play and watch Mickey and Mommy will be back ready for lunch. That OK, champ?”

The bouncing resumed and Beca got up. Turning to her dad and stepmother, she smiled. “Thanks for having him. I… I don’t think I’ll be that long. I said before lunch, so I’ll aim for 12. If anything changes I’ll let you know. And, uh, obviously if you need me, I’ll have my phone on.”

Dr Mitchell smiled. “I know. Good luck”

Beca nodded once more before heading out the door, glancing back and smiling at Lennon as he picked up the TV control and handed it straight to his grandpa, pointing at the dark television screen. “That’s my boy. Look at you communicating your needs.”

Beca cringed at her use of such phrases. It had become normal, especially since the subject of school had been raised, for her to focus on the targets Lennon’s specialists had set; trying to find real-life examples of him achieving them. It made her proud to see him making progress. Beca pulled open the car door and quickly started the engine, knowing that Lennon would notice her car if she stayed much longer. She was still early, having heeded Sheila’s request to drop Lennon off before Mickey Mouse Clubhouse started on Disney Jr. She’d seen the epic meltdowns that ensued when he realised he hadn’t seen an episode from the very beginning and so had agreed. It was easier for everyone to just arrive in time to let the kid bounce around to the theme song.

It took a moment for Beca to realise she was nervous. Her stomach felt tight, her skin warm. Her fingers tapped restlessly on the wheel as she drove. She was still early. Looking ahead, Beca spotted a cafe she had been to a few times as a student, on the occasions she had ventured off-campus for a break. She had remembered them having a selection of really nice tea. Maybe one of them would help calm her down. Pulling into the side of the street, Beca put the car in park and stepped out.

“Beca? Beca Mitchell? Oh my goodness.”

Beca turned around and was pulled straight into a tight hug.

“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe it’s you!”

She smiled softly once she realised who her assailant was. “Em. God, it’s so nice to see you. How are you?”

Emily Junk grinned. Time hadn’t changed much; the younger girls’ dark eyes were as sparkly and bright as ever. “I’m great. So great. Are… are you getting a drink? I… Can I join you?” It must have been at least five years, but Emily still oozed the same youthful energy, her long, brown hair still shiny and her dark eyes full of joy. God, she’d missed her.

Beca nodded at her friend, unable to help the smile on her face. “Come on, Legacy” she said with a knowing look in her eye, “my treat.”

“… so yeah, the department offered me a full ride if I taught ten hours a week and, well, I’ve got eight months left and then I’ll be Dr Applebaum.”

Beca sipped her tea and shook her head as she took in Emily’s warp-speed run down of her PhD journey. “I still can’t believe you two crazy kids got married. And I definitely can’t believe your mom let you skip your college graduation to go to city hall!”

Emily grinned, spinning the ring on her finger. “Well, some things are just supposed to be.” She paused. “Anyway, what are you doing back here? Are… are you visiting your family?”

Beca shrugged. “Kind of. Well. I, uh, I just moved back, actually. I’m heading up a new project at the company and they decided they wanted to base me out of Atlanta.” Beca had got so used to the line it no longer felt like a lie. It hadn’t been the company’s decision at all. In fact, Beca had basically laid it down for them. LA wasn’t working for her. She was miserable. She missed her family. Something needed to change. Nobody at Residual Heat wanted to face the consequences of turning her away, knowing she’d land another job with one of their rivals. Out of nowhere, a project had been created for her to lead on. The paperwork had been signed within a week and, a month later, she’d packed up their house and moved across the country. Moved back to the one city she thought of as home.

“That’s amazing. We… we should definitely make a date to hang out. We’ve got so much to catch up on! I mean, we’ve grown up. You…” Emily paused, realising just how long it had been since she’d seen Beca, before continuing, eyes wide. “You’re a mom now!”

Beca nodded. “I know. Isn’t that mad?” She hadn’t directly told many people about her pregnancy. Word had got out- from Sheila, she suspected- into Barden and a few people, Emily included, had reached out to congratulate her. She’d messaged the rest of the Bellas privately and, when Lennon was born, had sent a photo to the group chat they’d somehow kept running for over a decade.

“How old is he now?”

“Lennon’s just turned four. Actually, that’s where I’m going now. Why… ” she took a breath, trying to organise her thoughts. “Sorry, he had me up early this morning. What I meant to say was that the reason he’s not here is because I’m about to go and have a meeting at his new school. I’ve got to pretend to be grown up for a couple hours so he’s with my dad.”

Emily smiled. “Good old Dr Mitchell. Wow, four is a cool age. I bet he’s into all sorts of stuff. Do… do you have a picture of him?”

Beca hit the home button on her phone, flashing her lit-up screen at Emily.

“Aww, he’s so cute. I bet he’s grown so much since then. Look at those little toddler legs!”

Beca tried to hide her grimace, not wanting to admit that the photograph was taken just a week before. “Yeah, he’s an angel.” She stood up, pausing for a moment before holding out her arms. She could see Emily hold back, unsure. “Come on, Legacy. I don’t bite. I just… ” Emily stood and let Beca pull her into an uncharacteristically warm hug. “It means a lot to see a friend right now. I’ve missed you. All of you.”

As they pulled apart, Emily smiled. “Well, my number hasn’t changed. Give me a call soon. We can hang out or something. Maybe get some of the others to come too?”

Beca nodded, knowing neither of them wanted to delve deeper into the ‘some’ Emily had dropped into her comment.

“Good luck with the school. I’m sure it’ll be amazing. It must be if you’re looking so early; I bet he’s a super smart kid.”

Beca smiled curtly before walking out of the door. “I’ll see you.”

“See you soon, Beca. Thanks for the coffee.”

Beca waved at Emily as she drove away, her words playing over and over in her head.

Four.

Such a cool age.

Super smart kid.

Beca pictured the messy-haired, tiny tornado of a child she had left in her dad’s living room and sighed. This would never get any easier, she thought. At least she wasn’t alone here. Not anymore.


	3. I Don't Wanna Face It

The school looked exactly like it had on the website. Big, but not imposing. Friendly. Well, as friendly as any school building could be.

Pulling into the parking lot, Beca took a moment to collect her thoughts. She’d managed to scribble down a list of requirements and questions during a brief moment of calm over the weekend, when Lennon had been so completely enthralled with a new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD that she’d been able to open her laptop uninterrupted. She’d pored over the reports from his specialists, ‘Team Lennon’ as she liked to refer to them, and had pulled out the key points she needed the school to know.

Taking some deep breaths, she reminded herself of what she needed to focus on. Speech therapy. Sensory therapy. Occupational therapy.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.

Beca had heard the word so often it no longer had any meaning. Each aspect just represented another thing her son couldn’t do by himself. Milestones and ‘developmental windows’ had passed them by, until Lennon sat firmly in the last percentile. Back of the line. Still waiting.

Make a choice. Ask for food. Pull his own pants up. Know his colours. Numbers. Sounds.

Everything sat in a box labelled ‘not yet’.

Beca had avoided the subject of school until she couldn’t. Until she no longer had the excuse of relocating across the country. Until she was running out of time before the free childcare Residual Heat had promised (which had turned out to be a very much unqualified PA who luckily had understood Lennon from the first day they met) came to an end. For some reason, admitting Lennon would need to go to a special needs school had been a smack in the face. It felt real. It felt painful. Like defeat.

Her dad had been the first to reassure her it was the right choice. Pip had agreed. And, finally, Beca had registered her interest in the best private special needs school in Georgia. A school that had the facilities to take him from the age of 4, meaning she didn’t need to find a daycare in the meantime. It would mean a lot of sacrifices, plus putting down all the savings she had from her work with DJ Khaled, but it would be worth it if Lennon was happy.

With one final long breath in and out, Beca grabbed her bag and climbed out of her car. Walking towards the front doors of the school, she noticed the woman waiting for her and smiled.

“Hi. You must be Miss Mitchell. I’m Miss Hayes.”

Beca shook the woman’s proffered hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Please call me Beca.”

The teacher smiled. “Ok, Beca. Well, as I said on the phone I’m the assistant principal here. I manage the lower school, which includes our preschool classes. I’m going to give you a tour this morning, but I’d like to be able to tailor it to your son’s needs and interests. So, if you don’t mind, shall we head to my office and talk about the kind of placement you’re hoping for?”

Beca nodded, unable to speak, and followed the peppy woman down a long, pale blue corridor and into a small office decorated with children’s drawings and artwork. “Please have a seat. Can I get you a drink?”

“Wa… water would be great, thanks.”

Sat alone in the office while the teacher went to get her a drink, Beca sighed. She’d known she’d be a single parent from the moment she saw two blue lines. She’d resigned herself to it. But she’d never felt lonely. Not like this. Not until moments like this where all she wanted was someone who loved her to turn and smile and tell her everything would be ok. To tell her she was making the right choice for her son. Their son.

“One… water.” Miss Hayes placed the glass carefully on a coaster on her desk before taking her seat. Beca took a grateful sip. “So,” the teacher continued, “before we go into what Lennon’s profile looks like, I’d like to ask you something that might help me get to know him. When you think of Lennon, when I say his name, what makes you smile?”

Beca instantly relaxed. She already liked this woman. “Everything. He’s amazing. He… he’s got a great sense of humour. He loves to laugh and he loves fun. He can be a little… spicy… at times” she caught the grin on the teacher’s face at her turn of phrase, “but I wouldn’t have him any other way. He’s my boy. He’s my world. I just think everything he does is incredible.”

Miss Hayes nodded. “He sounds brilliant. I read the application you sent and the notes that came with it so I know a little about his history, but it would be better to hear it from you. Can you tell me a little about what Lennon was like as a baby?”

“Yeah, sure. Well, he was born at full term but he was very small” this was a conversation Beca had had with every professional who had graced their lives; it was almost a script now, “and he was finicky right from the start. He didn’t eat well. He wouldn’t latch and we thought it was a tongue tie but the paediatrician wanted to do more tests. He figured out it was low muscle tone. And we went to a specialist. That was kind of the beginning of everything. Lennon was diagnosed with a chromosome deletion when he was 6 months old. He’s been delayed in everything his whole life; he didn’t walk until he was 2 and he’s still pre-verbal.”

The teacher nodded. “OK. Is he steady on his feet?”

Beca shrugged. “Steady enough. He walks and runs now, but he doesn’t watch where he’s going and often trips over his own feet. He still likes to hold onto things. He likes being active but he needs someone to have eyes on him all the time.”

“And he’s still small?”

“Lennon is…” she sighed, trying to work out how to describe her four-year-old best friend to a professional, “imagine a typical toddler. Mannerisms, development, size, everything. He’s little.”

“And he eats well?”

“He loves food. He’s got his favourites but he’s not fussy. He, ah, he was on a meal supplement for a while when he started walking because the weight dropped off him but now he doesn’t need it unless he’s sick.”

Miss Hayes smiled reassuringly. “And, just to get a clear picture, what is your network like? Do you have support at home?”

Beca shrugged. “I mean, sort of. I, well, you already know this but obviously we’ve only moved here recently. I work full-time but they’re flexible. I’ve been with the same company since before Lennon was born so they know what’s been going on. My dad and his wife live in Barden Village- he’s a retired professor- and they’re around to babysit but he wears them out within a couple hours. They… they’re getting older and he’s a handful.”

“Do you socialise with any other moms or dads? Are you part of any groups? Parent support?”

“No” Beca sat back in her chair and took another sip of water, “no I don’t think that’s my thing. I’m not really a people person.”

Miss Hayes looked at Beca and nodded. “You’d be surprised how many people say that to me. But the groups are great. And it’ll give you a chance to meet with some other parents who have kids here. We host a summer social for the families which you’d be welcome to join. There’s usually a ball pit and games and the music therapy tent is always busy. I’ll give you a flyer after our tour but we should probably get going. There’s a lot to cover.”

Beca followed the teacher’s lead and stood up. “After you” she said politely, holding the door open.

The school was everything Beca had hoped it would be. Everything she expected it to be given the cost of the fees. Miss Hayes had taken her straight into the Pre-K classroom where six children were occupied with various activities. Beca had noted how each one was doing a variation of the same task, clearly and thoughtfully tailored to their needs. The room was quiet, the walls plain. There was the same padding on the walls she recognised from the recording studio and Beca glanced up at the teacher for an explanation.

“Each room is slightly soundproofed. It helps with the sensory sensitivities if we can control the noise levels. We also have specific lighting for the same reason. And we use natural light as much as possible.”

Beca nodded. “You’ve thought of everything.”

Miss Hayes smiled. “You’d think so, but I can guarantee that, if we haven’t, one of the kids will work it out before we do. Even if they can’t communicate verbally, they’ll find a way to let us know.”

“Well, I know that’s true. Lennon always manages to get his own way, even without talking.”

“I don’t doubt that. Do you sign much at home?”

Beca shrugged. “I’ve picked up a few things from his speech therapist. I cue him in when he needs to listen, but he prefers concrete objects. Things he can see. I don’t think he’s quite at the stage of understanding what signs mean. It’s a bit too abstract right now.”

Miss Hayes nodded. “I understand. I’ve got another pupil in mind who uses the same system so we can adapt that for Lennon ready for him to join us.”

Knowing she was safe in the environment, Beca found the courage to ask a question she had been considering for some time. “The… that other kid. The one who uses those objects. Do they… are they…” she sighed. “Do they have autism?”

Miss Hayes paused before nodding. “I think so, off the top of my head. I can’t be sure if he’s got a full, formal diagnosis. Is… is that something you’ve been wondering about?”

Beca shrugged. “I’ve been doing a lot of research recently. Since his speech delay became really obvious. I… I’m waiting for an appointment to get him assessed. Most of the specialists we’ve seen have suggested it. Or the strategies they’ve given him are… well, anyway. I just thought it would be important for you to know.”

Miss Hayes nodded. “Thank you, Beca. We’ll work together on this. It’s not you against the world. We… we like our parents to be part of our family. We’ll work with you to get the best education for Lennon. To get it right for him.”

“Thanks.”

“Now, let me show you my favourite part of this school.” Miss Hayes held out the door for Beca to step through, leading her outside towards an expanse of green fields. “I’m sure on our website you saw mention of animal therapy?”

Beca nodded.

“Well, we got a grant a couple years ago from a friend of the school and we used the money to build a full working farm. We’ve got everything. Pigs, goats, sheep, chickens. And we all chip in- kids and adults- every day to make it work like a real farm.”

Beca couldn’t help the shocked look on her face as she saw what Miss Hayes was referring to. The expanse of green was like something out of a picture book. She half expected a man in a plaid shirt and denim dungarees to jump out of nowhere with a piece of straw in his teeth.

“OK, this is seriously impressive.”

Miss Hayes smiled. “It’s cool, right? We have a new animal therapy service coming in weekly to work with the kids. The woman who runs it is a vet, actually, but she’s done some extra training. Her real interest is hippotherapy, with horses, but she’s so creative. The kids all adore her. In fact, she should be here in a few minutes. If we get chance, I’ll introduce her before you go.”

Beca followed the teacher back through the building. She had the same kind of youthful energy as Emily, the same enthusiasm and spirit. Beca had a feeling Lennon would be just fine with someone like that looking out for him. Someone to balance out her dryness and her angst.

“So, do you have any more questions?”

Beca shook her head. “No. Thank you so much for showing me around and for… well, if I’m honest, for reassuring me that this is the right choice for my kid. It’s hard, you know? Being a single special needs mom is a big deal.” She glanced up into the kind eyes of the teacher. “Sorry, you must get this all the time.”

Miss Hayes shook her head and took Beca’s hand in her own, almost maternally. “It is hard. And you’re doing an amazing job. Just… it would be great to make sure you and Lennon get all the support you need. I’ll fill in all the paperwork to make sure he has a place with us from the end of August. Please come to the summer social, if only just to meet some other parents. You can tell yourself it’s for Lennon’s benefit if you like but I, uh, I think you’ll find some of our parents are a lot more on your wavelength than you believe.”

“Thank you. I’m not sure if that’s reassuring but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“We’ve got your back, Beca. And Lennon’s. Oh!” Miss Hayes tapped Beca’s arm. “That’s the lady I was telling you about. She’s our new animal therapist. Good morning, Chloe!”

Beca’s breath caught in her throat.

Vet.

Chloe.

It couldn’t be.

She willed herself to turn. To check. She couldn’t. She found herself frozen to the spot, five years of pain and heartache at the loss of her closest friend making her head spin.

Miss Hayes seemed to smile, before turning back to Beca. “I think she’s in a rush this morning. I’ll introduce you another time. Actually, let me just get you that flyer for the summer social.”

Beca stood in the same spot until Miss Hayes pressed the papers into her hand. “It’s been so nice to meet you. Please feel free to call me if you need anything or if you have any other questions. I’ll organise to get all of Lennon’s professionals around the same table soon so we can start working on his IEP. In the meantime, keep doing what you’re doing. I can tell you’re a great mom, Beca.”

Beca looked up and smiled honestly. “Thank you. Thank you for making me feel so… reassured about all this. It’s a big step and he’s still such a little guy.”

“I understand” Miss Hayes said gently. “Anyway, have a safe journey home and I’ll speak to you soon.”

As soon as Beca stepped outside the doors of the school, the realisation hit her.

Chloe.

It had to have been.

Rushing to her car, she unlocked her phone. Ignoring her emails and messages, she opened Safari and quickly tapped in two words she hadn’t expected to ever read or hear again.

_Chloe Beale._

The results flashed up quickly. The first page was the Barden Bellas Alumni Facebook fan page. The second was more promising. A LinkedIn profile.

_Dr Chloe Beale, DVM. Licensed Animal Assisted Therapist. Atlanta, Georgia._

Chloe Beale.

In Atlanta.

At Lennon’s school.

Beca felt a slow panic rise in her chest.

_Chloe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so our favourite ginger enters the fray... or does she?
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments so far. It means a lot to hear what you think. This story has been lingering in my files in some form for a very long time; it's amazing to finally be sharing it with people so I'm glad you're enjoying it!
> 
> Also, apologies if anything about the school system isn't quite right. I know a lot about special needs education (because it's my job and because I have a lot of friends with kids with special needs) but I don't live in the US. I decided putting L into a private school might give me more freedom to take liberties with the process but I apologise for any inaccuracies. At any rate, it's not the main plot of the story but I just thought I'd put it out there for some context.


	4. Mind Games

Stay calm. Compartmentalise. Smile.

By the time she arrived back at her Dad’s house, Beca was following her old mantra. She had left her feelings in the car, taken a deep breath and walked up to the house. Being ‘emotionally disjointed’ had its benefits; Beca had learned early in life to put her thoughts and feelings into separate boxes, had learned how much easier it was to live her life as several versions of herself. Right now, she didn’t have the energy to focus on anything but Lennon. Pushing open the door, she smiled as two tiny legs bounded across the room towards her, hands happily flapping to the side.

“Hey, buddy. Oh!” Beca couldn’t help but grin as she was pulled to the floor, balancing on the balls of her feet. Lennon reached out, one chubby hand on each side of her head, and moved close, until his nose pressed against her forehead.

“Hello, my boy” she said gently, rubbing his back. “Did you have a good time?”

Once Lennon let her go, she stood up and brushed herself down. Looking across at her dad, she noticed the smile on his face.

“So, how did it go?” He asked.

Beca shrugged. “Good, I guess. He’s got a place.” She paused. “Do you want to go and get some lunch? I thought we could all go. My treat. I, uh…” Beca finally smiled, “I guess we’re celebrating.”

“Well, if you’re sure, that sounds great. Sheila’s just upstairs putting the laundry away. I… I’ll go and let her know. And I might as well take little man to the bathroom first if we’re going out. Come on, bud.”

Beca smiled as her dad reached his arm out and took her son’s hand. “Sure. I’ll wait here.” It was still so strange to have an amicable relationship with her dad. Growing up, truly growing up, had given her a fresh perspective on family. He and Sheila had been there for her when she had needed them most and, for that, she would never truly be able to repay them.

Life had taught Beca many things. She had experienced ups and downs so extreme that it had often felt like she was sailing across an ocean in the middle of a storm. People, it had turned out, were more important than her 19-year-old self would have ever believed. People helped steer the boat. People lessened the impact of every crashing wave that threatened to topple her. People kept her afloat.

At first, the Bellas had been her people. They called themselves a family. They bandied around words like ‘love’ and ‘forever’ every day. The four years she had spent at Barden had left her with a sense of naive hope; a misguided expectation that ten twenty-something women from all over the country, the world, even, were the foundations upon which she could build a future.

Cracks had started to show after graduation. People moved away. They started working, met partners, found new things to be passionate about outside of intercollegiate acapella. A collective quarter-life crisis had resulted in a reunion and then a tour with the USO but, almost as soon as they boarded the plane back home, everything had changed again. The fear they had shared about being pulled away from everything they had come to know was suddenly very real. Beca had been handed a golden ticket to a career she could only have dreamed of. Amy had enough money to never have to work again. And Chloe… Chloe had boarded the plane with a smile on her face and a new number in her phone. As the crew had finished up the safety announcement, Beca had leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes, knowing that- in a few hours- the singular path they had trodden together would break apart.

It had been hard to reconcile that the Bellas weren’t her family, after all. They were her friends and they cared about her but it wasn’t the same thing. When she had made the decision to pack up her stuff and move permanently to LA a few short months into her partnership with DJ Khaled, the Bellas hadn’t been her first thought. They hadn’t been the first people she’d told. When she had woken up one morning feeling nauseous and bloated and the thought of coffee had made her throw up, she hadn’t consulted them. Even when she had finally stopped pacing and talked herself into turning over the pregnancy test, even when she had seen those two lines for the first time, it hadn’t been the Bellas at the forefront of her mind. They weren’t her people anymore. They weren’t family.

As Beca stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her dad, stepmother and son to re-appear ready to go out, she couldn’t help but imagine how different her life would be if they- the Bellas- had all stuck together. If, for whatever reason, she was still rooming with Amy and Chloe. If this had all happened while she’d been at Barden or in New York with them. If they’d had some crazy idea (obviously Fat Amy’s doing) and had purchased an elaborate Bellas mansion in the Hollywood Hills so that Beca hadn’t had to move away alone. It was getting harder and harder to picture what it would be like to be in the same room as them again. It felt like another life.

Beca looked around the living room of her dad’s house. There were framed pictures on the wall, more than there ever had been when she was younger. They were a real family now. Lennon’s first ever attempt at painting had been proudly framed and hung above the fireplace. Toy trains, Mickey Mouse dolls and soft, fabric books littered the carpet. She couldn’t help the long sigh that escaped her lips. This was her life. This was her family. Not the Bellas. They were in the past now; resigned to a less-than-active group chat and a series of anecdotes she could tell over drinks.

“Becs, where do you think we should eat?”

Dr Mitchell’s voice pulled Beca from her thoughts. She ran a hand through her shoulder-length hair, looking up at him. “I don’t mind. I mean, what are you in the mood for?”

“There’s a new bakery on Rose Avenue. I think they’ve got tables in the back. If not, we could get a picnic and head to the park?”

Beca nodded. “The bakery sounds nice, Dad.”

“If you think it’ll be too loud for Lennon, we can go somewhere else.”

Beca held out her hand. “Dad, he’ll be fine. I’ll take his headphones and the iPad just in case.” Throwing her bag back over her shoulder, she pulled out her car keys. “I’ll drive.”

The bakery was fairly quiet when they arrived. Beca left her dad and Sheila to order at the counter, found a table in the back corner and lifted Lennon into the seat before pushing it as close to the table as possible. She then sat next to him, instinctually positioning herself so that he wouldn’t be able to escape. She placed two plastic Mickey and Minnie toys in front of him, along with a picture book. Lennon looked at the array before tapping at the image of a train on the front of the book.

“Did you find the train, clever man?” Beca asked. Pausing, she copied his movements. “Can you say t-t-t? T-t-train”

Lennon opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Beca smiled and ruffled his hair. “Good try, bud. Good try.”

As her dad and Sheila arrived, Lennon looked up.

“Hey, buddy. What have you got there?”

Beca still couldn’t get over how gentle her dad was with him. The way he spoke, just at the right level, made her feel warm in a way she hadn’t known was possible. He waited, gave Lennon time to process everything he said, and left space for a response even if he knew the likelihood of getting anything back was slim.

“So, Beca. How was the school?”

It had felt like so long since Beca had left the school parking lot. Everything prior to seeing that familiar head of ginger hair had been pushed to the back of her mind. She cleared her throat. “It’s good. Great, really. They, ah, they’ve invited us to a summer social thing so he can meet some of the other kids.”

Beca’s dad smiled. “That sounds good. And you’ll get to meet some parents, too.”

“I guess.”

“I think this move has been the best decision for both of you, honey. I can’t imagine how you would have coped doing this in LA.”

Beca shrugged. “I wasn’t coping. That’s why we’re here. I just needed to stop being such a hard-ass and realise that being half the world away from home wasn’t great for either of us.”

Dr Mitchell reached across and tapped his daughter’s hand. “I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so great at this. And look at him,” he gestured to Lennon, who was pushing the small Mickey Mouse figurine along the train tracks in his book, “he’s happy, Beca.”

Beca couldn’t help but smile. Leaning in, she pressed a soft kiss to her son’s head. “He’s the best.”

Sheila smiled on. “So, how does it feel being back in Atlanta? Have you seen anyone you know yet?”

Beca swallowed hard, trying her best not to acknowledge the name pulsing around in her head. She licked her lips before making eye contact with her step mother. “I, yeah. I actually saw Emily this morning.”

Sheila smiled. “Oh, she’s so lovely. How are she and Benji doing?”

Beca couldn’t help but think that the older woman probably already knew more about Emily’s life than she did. Still, she indulged her.

“She’s, ah, she’s good I think. She’s almost done with her PhD.”

“And are any of the other girls still around here?”

Beca shrugged. “Everyone kind of moved away after graduation. Emily and Benji are here, obviously. Aubrey’s hippy maternity wilderness lodge is up in the Blue Ridge mountains so she’s not too far away. Amy is, well, wherever she wants to be. She was in Miami the last time I heard; Flo lives down there too now. Cynthia-Rose is up in Maine with her wife. Ashley and Jessica both moved back to Kentucky. Stacie is in Virginia with Bella because it’s closer to her mom. And Lilly is in New Orleans where she possesses people for money.”

Dr Mitchell visibly shivered. “You always were a very… diverse… group.”

“What about Chloe, honey?” Beca’s eyes widened at Sheila’s question. “What is Chloe doing now?”

Beca took a breath and shook her head, willing the food they had ordered to come quicker. “I don’t know. I…” it never got easier to admit, she realised as she struggled to form the words, “I haven’t heard from Chloe in almost five years. None of us have.”

Sheila tilted her head, eyebrows creased, as if this was new information. Beca was sure she would have picked up on it before now. Had she really managed to avoid the subject so successfully that even Sheila- the woman who knows everything- had no idea that Chloe was no longer in her life?

“Darling, that’s such a shame. I always liked her. She was good for you.”

The waitress thankfully arrived with the food before Beca could think of a response, or blurt out something about having seen her that morning. Instead, she busied herself with cutting up Lennon’s grilled cheese and putting some of the baby carrots that came with it onto a napkin in front of him.

“Honey, we can ask for another plate if…” her dad said, watching on.

Beca shook her head. “It’s fine. He can eat off of this. I… I worry about him throwing in places like this. There’s fancy shit on the walls. It’s safer if he can’t launch anything.”

Dr Mitchell smiled at his daughter. “Well, that’s fine, honey. Mother knows best.”

Beca paused and looked up at her dad. “His aim is getting really good; I just don’t want him showing it off here.” She took a breath, knowing the pounding of her heart was nothing to do with anything her dad or Sheila had said. “Sorry. It’s…”

“I know.” Dr Mitchell put his hand on hers. “It’s been a long morning. Let’s enjoy this lovely food and talk about something else. How’s the house?”

Sheila seemed to perk up at the change of subject. “Oh, Beca, I’d been meaning to say to you that I’ve got a load of fabric swatches from your Aunt Linda. If there’s anything you need; curtains, cushions, let me know.”

“Thanks.” Beca checked Lennon was eating the carrot in his hand before fully answering. It was in moments like these that she realised how immeasurably dull adult life was compared to what she’d always imagined. “Actually, I think some curtains would be good for Lennon’s room. The blind is good but it’s letting a bit of light in. If you’ve got something a little thicker, that would be amazing.”

Sheila smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.”


	5. Gimme Some Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos so far. It's been amazing to hear your thoughts and feedback. Chapters will continue to be posted regularly as long as real life allows.

“Mmmmmm, mmmmm”.

Beca watched on, smiling, as her son sent a car rolling down the track they had built together, his hands flapping wildly as it came to a halt.

“There are more cars in the box, bud. You can play with more. Put the car at the top and let it go.” Beca paused for a moment, waiting for her words to process. Lennon seemed to understand and, before she had chance to rise, he was once again flapping as one of his many cars rolled through plastic tubes made from old soda bottles and a discarded pool noodle she had found in the garage. Beca reached for her phone and filmed Lennon, his hair looking slightly golden in the Georgia sunshine. He tracked the car’s movement so closely, making happy sounds and flapping his hands. This was Lennon at his best. It was everything she loved about him in one short video clip.

Beca still had a public instagram profile, the blue tick still by her name courtesy of DJ Khaled’s social media and PR team and the two commercially successful tracks she had featured on. She had posted every now and again about things she was working on, but never used it to share anything personal. In fact, social media hadn’t been a significant part of her life since she had found the limelight at the end of the USO tour. Everything had felt too invasive, too close, and so she had given herself and her team strict boundaries. This video, however, was too good not to share with at least someone. Pulling up her chats, Beca found Pip’s name and sent her the video. Pip would get it. Pip, for now, was the closest thing she had to a real friend.

_Look at him go!_ The reply had come quickly. _Looks like you’re having fun. Hope you’re relaxing while he’s busy being independent, mama._ Beca scratched her nose before pulling anxiously at her lip. Taking a moment to think of a reply, she watched as Lennon pushed the car down the track for the eighth time in a row.

_I don’t know what that word means. Relax?_

Pip answered straight away. _Do you remember how to do that?_ _If you’re worried about your dad having him overnight, I can babysit any time. You need to get out! Enjoy Atlanta now you can finally buy a drink here without getting carded._

Beca rolled her eyes. _I know, I know. I’ll think about it. Would have to have someone to go out with first!_

_What about your old college friends? Any of them still around? (I mean around here, not are they still alive. You’re not that old)._

Beca smiled. She was seeing so much of Emily in everyone she met recently. Maybe it was a sign that she missed Legacy more than she had originally let on. _Yeah, a couple,_ she sent back in response, _leave it with me. I might actually take you up on that babysitting offer one night before he turns 18!_

When Pip’s eye-roll emoji came through, Beca checked the time. Almost 6:30.

“Ok, listening.” She pointed to her ear and tapped. “3 more cars, then it’s bath time.” She cleared the rest of the cars away, back into their box, and lined up three more for Lennon to use. Once the first one had gone down the chute, it went away. Followed by the second. Then the third.

“All done. Good job!” She held out her hand. Lennon tapped her fingers. _Not quite a high five, but it’s still progress,_ she thought. “Now it’s bath time. Can you go get your Mickey towel?”

Lennon understood the instruction and ran off into the house. Beca quickly put the box of cars out of sight and followed him. When she got to the top of the stairs, he was waiting for her with the towel in his hand.

“Good job. Can you find the bathroom?”

Lennon walked down the corridor and, when he reached the door at the end, reached up to hold onto the handle. Beca grinned. “Well done. Let me help you open it, and we’ll get you in the bath.”

Bath time was always a messy affair. Beca tried as much as she could to keep the sensory excitement to a minimum. Lennon was a water baby and absolutely loved to splash, usually all over her and the floor. She kept the lights down low, having requested a dimmer when she moved in, and had installed some LED strips which worked underwater so that it looked as if the bath was glowing. Anything to keep him calm was a blessing; Lennon was not a fan of having his hair or his face washed.

Once he was clean, dry and dressed for bed, Beca followed her son back down the corridor to his bedroom. They had tried as much as possible to keep the same furniture and layout from his room in LA. It had just made more sense to avoid confusing him. She had even put on the same sheets so that the smell was familiar when they first moved in.

Lennon climbed into his toddler bed. Beca pulled the covers up over him and stroked his hair gently. “Story or song?” She asked, holding up a book and a CD. Lennon tapped the CD. “Good choice, buddy.” Beca pulled out her phone and scrolled through her Spotify account to find the album she had just offered to Lennon. Selecting the first track, she adjusted the volume so that it very gently rang out into the space. The instrumental, lullaby version of one of her favourite tracks began to play. Beca sat by Lennon’s bedside, stroking his hair as he closed his eyes. Slowly, halfway through the song, she began to sing softly, something she hadn’t done in a long time.

“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be. Someone to watch over me. I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood. I know I could always be good, to one who’ll watch over me.”

By the time the song finished, Lennon was breathing softly, his little hands curled in on themselves, in the same way they had done ever since he was a baby. Beca tucked Mickey Mouse in carefully next to him before getting up. Pausing at the door, she smiled at the sight of her son. “You’re so cute, little man” she whispered to herself. “I love you more than you’ll ever, ever know.”

Beca’s evenings were usually filled with all of the stuff she hadn’t managed to get done in the day. She would eat dinner while going over her emails, checking Pinterest for ideas of things to do with Lennon and watching YouTube videos the interns had selected after spending their days looking for the ‘next big thing’. The top candidate was usually a 15-year-old boy with too much money and an inflated ego because his mom had reassured him he was the next Harry Styles. Or Justin Bieber. Or, in one particular, unforgettable case, Flavor Flav. Beca had never been more thankful that she was no longer an intern.

Opening her laptop while she ate was a habit. A bad habit, but a habit nonetheless. As she took another bite of the lasagne Sheila had sent her home with, she checked her emails. Only one stood out.

“Lennon’s first IEP”. Beca read it out loud, smiling as she noticed one of her cats staring up at her, clearly disturbed by the sudden sound. “Oh boy. Here we go.” The email turned out not to be particularly interesting; it was more Miss Hayes reaching out to organise a meeting for everyone on “Team Lennon”. Still, it felt strange. It felt daunting; the first step in a very long journey in Special Needs education. Beca had been on enough forums, had read enough blog posts, to know that the process she was entering into was a demanding one. It was one of the many reasons she was so glad she had finally spoken up, admitted she needed help and moved back to Georgia and to her family. Lennon deserved to be championed by a mom who didn’t feel like she was swimming through tar.

Selfishly, Beca sometimes wondered if all parents felt like she did. If, in another life, Lennon had been born with the right number of chromosomes and without his little quirks, would she be this exhausted? Would she still feel like she was fighting for every little thing? Would she feel this alone? Beca sighed. The loneliness was the main reason she had finally realised she couldn’t live in LA any longer. Nobody understood her. Nobody knew her. And they certainly didn’t know her as a mother. Now, as she sat in her home just 30 minutes away from the house where she had spent the best and most joyful three years of her twenties, she wondered if anyone really knew her anymore.

Beca pictured the moment she and Chloe had been within touching distance in the school corridor. She took a moment to wonder if, had they both turned around, she would have recognised her straight away. Things had changed so much. Chloe was probably still beautifully put-together, with bright eyes and dewy skin. Beca knew she was different now; her body was different. Her hair was usually messily piled into a ponytail. Her ‘ear monstrosities’ had long been replaced with simple studs. Her dress sense had become a lot less ‘Hot Topic’; the plaid and ripped jeans weren’t exactly professional, even in her industry. The idea of someone she had been so close to for so long having to take an extra moment to work out who she was broke her heart. She wasn’t sure if Chloe would even have been able to place her given that they were in a school. She wasn’t even sure if Chloe had known she’d been pregnant. Letting herself dwell on it, she was certain the redhead would have no idea.

For the entire day, Beca had used extra energy to push the thoughts of Chloe to the back of her mind. Now, with no child or work to distract her, she was left with a mind full of questions. Where had she been? Why did she disappear? Was it something Beca had done? Was it something Beca could fix?

The last time they had seen one another face to face had been the day Beca left for LA. Three months after the USO tour. They’d continued to talk on the phone, or on FaceTime, for a few weeks, but their contact had slowly dwindled down to birthday messages on Facebook and the odd memory shared in the Bellas group chat as her career had developed and Chloe’s vet school workload had eaten into her social life. Beca had reassured herself that it was normal; people drift apart after college. Their priorities change. Their focus shifts.

Beca had realised that there was something more going on the day Chloe left the group chat. The only Bella who had officially left. It had been sudden and Beca had reeled at the pain it had caused. It had been the beginning of the end. Even thinking about the Bellas- memories that used to make her heart glow- was enough to make her bottom lip tremble. Every time she noticed a message, she foolishly hoped it was Chloe explaining it had all been a terrible mistake and that she’d accidentally pressed the wrong thing while trying to send a meme.

It never was. Chloe had removed herself from the group chat, from all social media, and had changed her number. She had gone. Disappeared.

Beca had felt numb for a while. She had lost a friend and the world no longer made sense. She was alone in an unfamiliar city with a team of people who wanted to use her to sell records, who didn’t know what brand of coffee she liked or that she always watched Toy Story when she was sick. In an attempt to find herself, Beca drank more than she ever had in college. Under the guise of ‘work’ she filled her evenings with DJ sets, guest appearances and concerts in gentrified neighbourhoods. She listened to the music from next to the speaker, wanting to feel as well as hear. She mixed songs live every time she performed, wanting to feel like she had a purpose. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. She would make eye contact with men across the room, reel them in with her daring eyes and ‘untouchable’ exterior. She would take them home. Or back to her hotel.And she would pause, after, in the silence, and check whether the empty feeling was still there.

She would picture Chloe. Imagine her, wherever in the world she was, laying in the same position. She’d wonder if she was thinking of her, too. She’d wonder if Chloe also felt the emptiness; the longing she felt. And then she’d remember.

Chicago.

Of course she didn’t feel empty.

She had someone. She had _him._

Beca scrunched her eyes at the sudden memory. Taking a moment to breathe, Beca opened a new tab on her computer. Against her better judgement, she had to know. Opening Facebook, she hovered over the search bar for a few seconds. “Fuck it.”

With her tongue between her teeth and her heartbeat pumping in her ears, Beca typed.

_Chloe Beale._

Nothing. It was as if she was a ghost.


	6. Out of the Blue

“OK. Can I give you a few notes before we move on?”

Beca leaned back in her black leather chair, finger on the comms button, eyes on the young R&B singer in the booth. It was barely midday, but it felt like they’d been here for hours.

“Sure.”

Beca sat up and twisted the ring on her middle finger. “I think the end of that line sounded better the first time, when you went into that soft head voice bit. But I think you need to straight-tone it, no vibrato. It loses power otherwise.”

The singer nodded. “Cool.”

“And you’ve got space to play around with the riff on ‘love’. Maybe something like this.”

Beca knew everyone’s eyes were on her as she sang. She didn’t belt it out, not wanting to pull too much focus, but the tune she created was effortless. And better than anything the young singer watching her had produced all day.

“Remind me again why you’re not in there?” Her assistant producer, JJ, said with a grin once her finger lifted off the intercom. Beca shook her head, focusing on the young woman in the booth, watching closely as she tried to emulate what she had just heard.

“OK. Can we go for another? Just from the top of that bridge so you’ve got time to breathe.”

JJ found Beca again once they were done with the session. In the quiet of the communal kitchen, away from their clients, he shook his head and smiled.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… I don’t get why you don’t sing. Like, you’re amazing. You are definitely more talented than bargain bin Beyoncé out there.” Beca tried not to laugh. JJ continued. “I know your heart is in producing, but would you ever sing on your own tracks?”

“JJ, you need to do some better research before you ask your boss questions like that.” Beca smiled as Sammy- the executive of the company- walked into the room, fresh off his flight from LA. Walking across the kitchen, he took Beca’s hand and kissed her on each cheek. Turning back to JJ, he tilted his head towards his former protégé. “Try google. Or YouTube.”

Beca took her lunch out from the fridge. She needed space after a morning in the studio and so shut herself in her office. It still felt strange to have an office in this building; the last time she’d been here she’d had to use a yoga ball as a chair. Now, people knew her name. They asked her questions. They respected her. Although she’d kept her work fairly low-key, people knew who she was and why she was there. They knew that she’d been pulled in to work on a new initiative with Sony, collaborating with a songwriter called Calista on something she had been told would rival Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ if they got it right. They looked at her like she knew what she was doing.

It felt very odd.

Beca unlocked her phone as she ate, checking if there were any updates from Pip or messages from any of the specialists she knew they were waiting to see. Nothing. Fighting the urge to call Pip and check on her son, she opened her photos and went over the images she had taken the day before. One in particular made her smile. She’d managed to capture Lennon just as she always saw him; happy, bright and full of curiosity. He was facing away from her, light wisps of his messy hair illuminated by the late afternoon sun, a car held aloft in one hand.

“Oh, he’s a cutie.” Beca put her phone down and looked up.

Sammy smiled. “Sorry. I should have knocked. I, uh, I wanted to say hi.”

“Hi.” Beca looked expectantly at her boss.

He shook his head. “OK, so maybe I wanted more than that. I’ve been thinking. About what JJ said earlier. About you not singing.” He pulled a chair forward and sat down across the desk from Beca, hands clasped on the table in front of him. “I could have kicked myself when you signed that deal with Khaled. I thought then that I’d missed my chance. I knew you were talented and I’d just… let you go. First to New York and then with him.”

Beca shook her head. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t… I needed to work out what I wanted. And I know that now. Which is why I’m here. It’s why I asked you if I could come work for you when I was still out in LA.”

Sammy nodded slowly. “Yes. But you’re wasted here. It’s like JJ said. You’ve got pipes better than half the people you work with. You can mix, you can write and you can sing. You’re like a club sandwich.”

“Because I’m…” Beca didn't dare finish the sentence. She still- after all this time- had no idea how Sammy’s brain worked.

“… unexpectedly layered” he replied. Beca fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Look, I know it’s been a long time since you were in the game but I want to make it work for you. You can produce other people’s shit, keep doing what you’re doing, but I’m putting the offer on the table. Work with me. Make a record. Write it, sing on it, mix it, produce it. Then, when we’re done, I’ll slip a copy into Drake’s back pocket the next time we play mini golf.” He looked into her eyes. “In Tijuana.”

Beca took a second to breathe- to take in what she was being asked- and shook her head.

“Sorry. I… I know what you’re asking and I understand why you’d want to do that for me. And I appreciate it, I really do. But it’s not me anymore. I… I don’t want the limelight. I don’t want to be famous for singing. I just want to make my tracks and live my life.”

“And that’s what I’m proposing. I’m not going to throw you out onto the stage like Khaled or dictate what your sound should be. I know that isn’t who you are. But you deserve an opportunity to be more creative than you can when you’re working on someone else’s tracks. Calista agrees. She’s told me as much. I just want to help you make the music you’ve always wanted to make.”

Beca shrugged. “It… no. Not right now.”

Sammy sighed. “Is this because of the kid?”

“Yeah. He… he needs me to just be a mom right now. I… I took this job because it was less work; because the hours fit better and I know I’m going be home for bedtime most nights. I know you’ve seen what I can do but you have to understand that I was a different person then.”

“You’re the same person. Just older. But I hear you; you have different priorities. I’ll wait. But the offer doesn’t leave the table, OK?” Beca nodded. Sammy continued. “Anyway, how are you settling back into Georgia life?”

“It’s OK. I’m, uh, I’m finding my feet. The house is great, though.”

“And you’ve still got Mick working from your house doing childcare?”

“Pip. Yeah she’s great. But I feel bad. She should be here.”

“Mick. Yeah. Cool. OK. But her job title is ‘personal assistant’ and, as far as I can see, she’s assisting. Personally.” Beca knew better than to argue. “Have you found a school? That was the reason, right, that we came to that arrangement?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. He’s all signed up for August. He…” she took a breath, “he’s got a spot at the Arbor West Academy in the preschool.”

“The special needs school?” Sammy tilted his head. Beca blinked. “He’ll do amazing there.”

“How do you know that?”

He smiled softly, a genuineness to the way his eyes creased. “Because my daughter used to go there. She graduated last year.”

“Oh. Oh cool.”

Sammy looked at Beca, eyes scanning her face. “Look. I know it’s tough. And I know you’re still getting used to being back here, but my offer stands. Let’s do lunch next week, ok? We can talk about it more.” He stood up, walking towards the door. In the entryway, he paused, turning back to face his most talented producer. “I’m serious, Reggie. We’ll make it work.”

Beca’s conversation with Sammy hung over her for the rest of the day. By the time she got home, she had sifted his words down to three main points: Sammy was far more interested in her career than she’d ever given him credit for. Sammy had a kid with special needs. Sammy had basically offered a record deal. And he was serious about it.

“Good day?” Pip asked, piling up the paperwork she had been doing while Lennon had been playing on his own.

“Yeah. It was, thanks.”

“How’s Sammy?”

Beca paused and looks up. “He’s fine. How… how did you know he…”

Pip shook her head. “I got an email, diverted from Mickey in accounts who had obviously been sent it by mistake, asking me to book a table for you and him at The Grange next week.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I tried to correct him with the name thing. I mean, he still calls me Reggie. I think it’s just something you’ve got to deal with.”

Pip smiled. “OK. So I’m booking lunch?”

Beca nodded. “Yes please.”

Once Pip had gone home, Beca sat on the couch with Lennon. He clambered over the cushions and pulled himself into her side, dragging her arm down until her hand rested on his little, pudgy belly.

“Hi, baby.” He snuggled in closer, putting his thumb in his mouth as he watched the TV. Beca leaned in close, breathing in his scent before pressing her lips to his head. “I love you so much, my best boy.” Lennon flapped his spare hand and Beca smiled. It was a sign he was happy. Content. In her head, it meant ‘I love you, too’.

Pulling out her phone, Beca opened the camera and snapped a quick image of her view. Lennon, curled into her side, hair wild and hands happy.

“Mama.”

The world stopped. Beca held her breath. “Wha… what did you say?”

Lennon tilted his head to the side, thumb now out of his mouth. “Mama.”

The tears came without warning. She stood, scooping her son up into her arms and pulling him to her, spinning them around.

“Oh, my clever boy. Oh, I love you so much.”

Lennon squealed at the motion, kicking his legs excitedly. Beca picked up her phone and dialled the first number in her contacts list.

“Hey, Becs.”

“Hi,” she held her phone out, speaker on, as she placed Lennon on her hip.

“Becs, is everything OK? Are you crying? Do you need… I can get in the car right now…”

“Dad, dad. It’s fine” Beca said, trying to calm her breathing down. “But you should know that your grandson is a genius.”

“Oh, I already knew that.” Beca grinned at his words. “What happened?”

  
Beca turned to her son. “Can you do it again?” She pointed to herself.. “Who’s this?”

“Brrrrrr”

She rolled her eyes. “No. That’s a good sound, but who am I?”

“Mmmmmm”

“Come on.”

“Mama”

Beca heard her dad gasp. “Oh my God. He did it.”

“Honestly, dad. He’s said it three times since I got home and every time I think I’m going to explode.”

“Well, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you both for working so hard on that.” Dr Mitchell paused. “Although, I should probably warn you that your first word was ‘papa’ which was very quickly followed by ‘no’. And that was your favourite word until you were about 19. So, good luck.”

Beca smiled. “Listen. It’s taken four years to get ‘mama’. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just… his little voice, dad. He’s saying words. He… he can actually say a word.”

The pride didn’t wear off. As Beca sat back on the couch after putting Lennon to bed, she was still smiling. She’d messaged Pip and Lennon’s speech therapist to let them know what had happened. Both had responded with messages of love and pride for her little boy. But the urge to share hadn’t gone. Beca wanted the world to know just how amazing her son was.

Pulling out her phone, she opened instagram. The last picture she had posted had been before she had left LA. A shot of the back of her head as she worked with a new artist who had never quite made his mark. It didn’t feel right to use that account now. Not for anything aside from work.

Instead, Beca opened Facebook. She still had the same account she had used since college, albeit until a slightly different name as Khaled’s PR team had requested. Bec Amitch. It worked for her. Her friends, like her, had moved away from social media more and more as they’d got older. She didn’t have a habit of checking Facebook regularly, usually only when someone tagged her in something or sent her a message.

As she scrolled, she smiled as she noticed that Ashley had posted a picture of her and Jessica. “Girls’ trip with the bestie to celebrate being old AF. Next stop, Barcelona!” Beca smiled. She’d always admired the friendship the two girls had; they’d met, clicked and had managed to keep one another in their lives ever since. Beca silenced the thought that invaded her mind. ‘ _You could have had that_ ’ it said. ‘ _If only you’d tried_ ’. She shook her head, trying to distract herself by scrolling further.

Stacie had posted a photo of her new dog, a King Charles spaniel. Beca had never had Stacie down as a dog person. She opened the picture and smiled as she realised Stacie had tagged her boyfriend. “Best surprise ever. - with Lachlan Richmond.” Beca scrolled down to the comments. Cynthia-Rose had been first. ‘I wish I could like this MORE. Do they have a name?’ Stacie’s reply showed that the pair were still close. ‘You’ll get to meet him next weekend. His name is yet to be decided; Bella’s got a shortlist of about 6.’

As much as Beca wanted to hit ‘like’, she couldn’t. It felt weird. Voyeuristic, even. She was behind a screen, reading her friends’ life updates but feeling entirely disconnected. Like a stalker. She was proud of them all and loved them all but it had just been so long. Too long. She had no idea what many of them did for work. She didn’t know their partners’ names. She sighed lightly at the realisation that some of them may have got engaged or married and she’d missed it. Beca knew it was her fault. When Chloe had left them, she’d lost so much of who she was. She’d regained some of it when she had Lennon, but she had withdrawn. He’d needed her so much and she’d made a new world for the both of them. A world that hadn’t included the Bellas.

Beca went back to the photograph she’d taken earlier. She smiled at the way Lennon’s little fingers blurred as he had moved. The way he had tucked himself so closely into her side. She was so proud to be his mom. But, as Sammy had reminded her first, she was still Beca Mitchell. Maybe, as he was getting older and about to go out into the world on his own for the first time, she should think about doing the same. Maybe it was time to find herself again.

Trying her best not to second-guess herself, Beca selected the photo and pressed ‘post’. It was only a few seconds before her phone lit up with a new notification. ‘Stacie Conrad reacted to your post’. Then another. ‘Fat Amy Winehouse commented on your post.’ Beca tapped the notification. ‘Cute’ was all it said. Still, it made her smile.

By the time she climbed into bed, several old friends had reacted to her picture. Pip had commented ‘You should be so proud of this little man. What an angel. Good job, MAMA’. Her comment had been followed by a frantic iMessage to Beca asking if it was OK that she’d commented on her personal Facebook post. Beca had smiled and reassured her it was fine. As she had replied, another message had come through. On Facebook messenger.

_Cute kid, Becs. Is that Pip who commented your gf? She’s cute too. Also, are you back in GA? I noticed the location on your post, not stalking you I promise._

Beca rolled her eyes before responding, speaking quietly out loud to herself as she constructed a message to a friend she hadn’t seen in over five years.

“Well, hello to you too, Swanson. Did anyone ever tell you how much of a weirdo you are? Also, please don’t stalk my PA.”

Jesse’s reply came quickly. _PA? Fancy. And yes I believe someone very small once told me. Anyway, answer my Q. Are you back in Georgia?_

_Yes,_ Beca replied. _Back in Atlanta._

_Well then we should stop talking on here and catch up in person. Dinner tomorrow?_

Beca took a deep breath. Despite their differences, Jesse had always had a way to get her to do what he wanted. And, annoyingly, he knew what was right for her.

_Fine. I’m working until 6; I can meet you straight after?_

_Perfect._

Beca re-opened her messages and found Pip’s name.

_So, you know you offered to babysit? How’s tomorrow?_


	7. I'm Stepping Out

“So. Tonight.”

Beca rolled her eyes as Pip slipped into the seat next to her at the kitchen table. Since she had messaged her about babysitting, the young PA hadn’t left the subject alone.

“Why are you here? I thought I gave you the morning off.”

Pip shook her head. “One, stop avoiding. And two, my neighbours were having a very loud argument when my alarm went off. I don’t want to be in the apartment when they make up.”

Beca grimaced dramatically. “You could have gone to get coffee or something. There’s a new place downtown that does the biggest croissants I’ve ever seen.”

“Still avoiding.”

She sighed loudly. “It’s just an old friend. From college.”

Pip slumped over in her seat, arms reaching out across the table. “I’m gonna need more than that. This is the first person outside of me, work and your family that you’ve even talked about since you moved here. It must be something special if they’ve convinced you to go out for dinner.” She winked.

Beca smiled slightly and shook her head. “It’s nothing like that. Well, it was, but that’s in the past. He… he’s my ex boyfriend from college. Jesse.”

“Jesse” Pip said expressively, over-annunciating every letter in his name. “So is it a date?”

It took everything she had for Beca not to laugh out loud. She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it off her face, and looked into Pip’s searching eyes. “No, it’s definitely not a date. That ship sailed a very long time ago. We… we went through a lot of shit together at the end of college; we’re not right for each other but we had a good run. I learned a lot about myself thanks to him.”

Pip smiled softly. “Like what?”

Beca bit her lip, unsure of how professional she really had to be with her PA at this point. “Like the fact that I’m into girls.”

A raised eyebrow was all the response Beca got. “So, he turned you? Or half-turned you?”

“No. He… he helped me realise I was hiding parts of me to keep myself safe. I was trying too hard to be what everyone else wanted me to be that I lost my sense of who I was. And he encouraged me to find it. The first step of which was admitting I liked girls as well as guys.” Beca looked on as the corner of Pip’s mouth twitched upwards. “What?” She asked. “Are you trying not to laugh?”

“No. It’s just… I just think it’s funny that he’s turned up again now. Like, it feels like the start of something. I think this could be good for you.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “I never should have given you my dad’s number. You’re starting to sound like him.”

Pip shrugged. “Maybe we’re just both right about you and you don’t want to admit it.”

Beca's thoughts immediately turned to the conversation she had finally had with Jesse, months- years- too late, as she prepared to move to New York without him after college.

_“Becs, why won’t you just admit that I’m right?”_

_Beca shook her head, trying to rid herself of all of the anxious voices and images so that she could just_ think _for one damn minute._

_“Bec, don’t walk away from me. Not like this. We… we can just talk. Please.”_

_“Jesse, there’s nothing to talk about. I told you. I… I just know this long distance thing won’t work.”_

_“Talk to me.”_

_Beca hated how easily Jesse’s voice seemed to break through her chaotic thoughts. She hated that he was being reasonable. Hated that he was looking at her like he understood. Like he cared._

_“I’m not going to let you push me away, Beca. I can see how much you’re hurting. As much as I know you don’t want to admit it, being alone right now is not what you need. I care about you, Becs. I can… I can be a friend. Just… you need to not push me away. You need to not close yourself off after you’ve come so far.” Jesse paused, looking deep into her eyes. “Please. Just talk to me.”_

_Beca ran a hand through her hair, pushing the loose strands back off of her face. She took a deep breath, eyes fixed on the ground as she shuffled one foot over the other. “I can’t. I…” Hot tears came quickly. She inhaled, her chest shuddering. “Jesse, what do I do? Everything’s changing too fast.”_

_He placed his arm gently over her, his thumb rubbing soft circles over her skin. “It’s going to be OK. You’ve got so much to look forward to. You… you embrace being in New York and you find yourself. You become exactly the person you always thought you’d be. You make music and you make friends”, Beca had grimaced at that particular suggestion, causing Jesse to stop and smile. “And you let yourself fall.” Jesse pulled her in tighter until her head was resting on his chest and she could feel his words as well as hear them. “Let yourself fall, Becs. You’ve been fighting for so long and I know that was because of me, but all I want is for you to be happy. Just… stop wasting energy on the fight and let yourself fall. Because someone special will be there to catch you. And he- or she- will never let you go. Not if they see you like I do. You’re too special, too important, not to love with your entire heart.”_

_Beca’s breath caught in her throat as she turned to look at him, noticing the tears glinting in his eyes.“I’m so sorry, Jesse.”_

Jesse had been to visit her, once, in New York after they broke up. He’d taken some time off from school and had booked a flight to come and see the sights, and to test out their newly-developing platonic friendship. Their heart-to-heart had echoed in Beca’s mind as they had followed Jesse’s nerdy map of Manhattan film locations. They hadn’t talked about it, though. Not really. Instead, they’d ice skated and eaten pizza and bought cheap souvenirs from street vendors and they’d laughed. Like real friends.

It had been too many years since Beca had seen Jesse in the flesh. Yet, seeing him standing there waiting for her outside the restaurant he’d booked, it was like time had stood still.

“Only fifteen minutes late. That’s not bad for you, Mitchell.”

Beca rolled her eyes as she was pulled into a side-hug. “Well, hello to you too. Anyway, let’s go in. I’m so thirsty.”

The restaurant was fairly busy for a weekday evening, groups filling most corners of the dimly lit bar area. Beca smiled at the waitress as she placed their drinks down.

“Are you ready to order?”

Beca looked across at Jesse. Neither of them had really had a chance to read the menu. There was too much to say. “Could we have, like, ten minutes please?”

The waitress nodded and left them alone. Beca put the menu on the table and looked across at Jesse. “How is it you haven’t aged?”

Jesse shook his head, smiling. “I’m sure it’s just the lighting. You look good, too.”

“Thanks. So… how’s life?”

“That’s a very big question. It’s been a long time, Becs. You might have to narrow that down.”

Beca smiled and paused for a moment, trying to sort the many thoughts fluttering uncontrolled in her brain. “What are you doing for work?”

“Oh, ok. I can answer that. Film school clearly paid off because I work for a real estate investment firm. I’m in recruitment.”

“Figures” Beca said teasingly, taking a sip of her drink, “you always were very persuasive. I mean, you managed to get me out here tonight. You must be very good at your job.”

Jesse shrugged. “I am, I guess.” He took a drink, then met her eyes. “Wait, were you seriously considering not coming to meet me tonight? You answered within, like, a minute.”

Beca exhaled. She hadn’t wanted to get into this before they’d ordered their appetisers, but Jesse seemed to still be able to find the shortcuts to what she really wanted to say. “I, uh, I don’t want this to sound weird but, actually, this is the first time I’ve been out for an evening with a friend- as in, not work-related- in four years.”

Jesse’s palm the table with a loud thump. “Serious?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. You’ve definitely got some powers of persuasion, there, Swanson. I bet your bosses love you. Anyway, we should probably decide what to order.”

Once the waitress had taken their menus away, Jesse leaned back in. “Four years? What happened?”

“I had a kid.”

Jesse nodded seriously.“I know that. So, what? You just… stopped having a life?”

“It’s been hard” she shrugged, the words easier to form now. “He, uh, he’s taken a lot of energy and I put him first. I don’t think that’s a crime.”

“No”, Jesse shook his head reassuringly, “no it’s not. You’re right. I, uh, I guess I don’t know what that’s like. Not yet, anyway.”

Beca shrugged. “Not yet?” She chose to change the subject away from herself, needing a moment to breathe. “So, is there a lucky someone willing to watch Jaws II with you without complaining? Or falling asleep?”

“There is, as a matter of fact” Jesse smiled genuinely. “It’s actually not well-known yet, but we just got engaged.”

“Dude” Beca grinned. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. What’s her name?”

“Faith.”

The pair talked about Jesse’s proposal and his new house renovations until their food arrived. As Beca thanked the waitress, Jesse seemed to take the opportunity to stop talking about himself and turn the focus on to the dark-haired woman sat opposite him.

“So, where in Atlanta have you moved to? Did you buy a place?”

Beca picked up her silverware and began cutting her food into pieces. It had become a habit; it was easier to eat if she had one hand spare for Lennon so she cut a few bites at a time and shovelled them in while he was occupied. “The studio found a house for us. It was part of my contract when they moved me over here. Find me somewhere to live and provide me with childcare for 3 months. Just so we could get settled as soon as possible.”

“And how’s that going?”

Beca shrugged. “It’s OK. Work is going great and the house is nice. It’s up near Rockdale, so it’s close enough to everything we need. And, yeah, I think things are starting to feel normal. I’m getting my head around the idea that this is home now. And now we’ve got a school lined up, it’s all falling into place a little more.”

“School? But he’s so tiny.”

“It… yeah.I might need something stronger before we get into that. Excuse me?” Beca called the waitress to the table. “Could I get a vodka soda, please?” She glanced at Jesse, “anything for you?” Jesse shook his head. The waitress was gone a minute or so before re-appearing and placing a cold glass down on the table. Beca thanked her before lifting the glass to her lips and taking a long drink.

“So, I… I have a kid. I’m a mom.” Jesse nodded at Beca’s words, chuckling to himself under his breath at the obvious statement. She spoke slowly, clearly choosing her words with care. “That isn’t something I thought I’d be saying. Ever. But here we are.” Beca paused for a moment, her eyes rapidly searching Jesse’s face. He raised a quizzical eyebrow and she stopped, smiling slightly. “Sorry. I… seeing you here is bringing back so many memories. I just… So much has changed. ”

“Time seems to have that effect” Jesse said gently. “Sorry, carry on.”

“My kid. My, uh, Lennon. He’s not…” she stopped herself, re-wording what she was about to say. “He’s different. He’s… the doctors found out he’s missing a part of a chromosome. Uh, it means he’s really small. And it means he hasn’t developed the same way as other kids his age.” Beca paused as Jesse took in her words. “I guess that’s why I lost touch with everyone when I… when he arrived. He just needed me more than I thought he would. He still does.”

“Becs, I’m…”

She held up her hand. “Don’t say you’re sorry” she said clearly. “It doesn’t mean anything. He’s my kid and I love him just the way he is. I just… when you reached out yesterday, when you saw that photo I posted…” Beca paused to take a deep breath, noticing her hands shaking. “Jesse, he said his first word last night. He said ‘mama’. And I wanted to shout it from the rooftops because I was so proud. But the only people I ever talk to about him are my parents, my PA and his therapists. So I posted that picture. I don’t want to hide him away. He’s my kid. And he’s amazing. I just… I needed you to know where my head is at. It probably explains a lot.”

Jesse smiled, reaching over the table to touch Beca’s hand. “Becs, he sounds amazing. He’s your kid. I wouldn’t expect anything less.” He watched as Beca visibly relaxed, clearly having been worrying about that all night. “I’m glad you’re here. I missed you.”

Beca nodded. “I hate to admit it, but I missed you too.”

“And I guess I’m a little bit honoured that you chose me for your first night out in four years.”

“Shut up”, it took all Beca’s strength not to roll her eyes, “you just still know how to get me to say yes. You’ve always had a special talent for that.”

“So, if I asked now, would you agree to see me again? Maybe let me meet the little Mitchell?” Jesse stumbled over his words and paused. “Sorry. I, uh, I don’t know if he’s got a different…”

“No, it’s Mitchell. Lennon Mitchell.” Beca placed a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “Breathe. It’s cool.”

Once they had paid for their meal, Jesse walked Beca out of the restaurant. “Don’t leave it another six years this time” he said gently. “I didn’t realise how much I’d missed you.” He pulled her into a hug, slightly surprised when she let herself be held by him. There was less resistance than he’d ever felt from her, even when they were dating. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Beca smiled as she pulled away. “Me too. And, uh, say hi to Faith for me. I’d like to meet her some time.”

Jesse waved his hand and began to walk towards the parking lot at the back of the building. Beca decided it would be better to walk a little further down the street, where she had more chance of hailing a cab.

Holding out her arm, Beca watched as a yellow cab, not unlike the one she had ridden in on her way to Barden that first year, pulled up. She began to walk forward, pulling her bag up onto her shoulder.

“Oh, sorry.” She heard the apology before she felt the impact. Just a brush on the shoulder. She looked up, meeting the eye of the person who had walked into her. “Beca?”

Everything stopped as she stared into familiar blue eyes.

As much as she tried, no words came out of her mouth.

Her mind was blank.

The car horn honked loudly. Beca blinked.

Turning away, she opened the car door and climbed in, muttering her address. She fixed her eyes on the back of the driver’s seat, not daring to turn back in case she’d imagined the whole thing.

It wasn’t until the car reached the intersection at the end of the road that she realised she was still holding her breath.


	8. I Saw Her Standing There

“Beca?”She stared straight ahead, hands still shaking, as she attempted to fill a glass with water.

“Beca, are you ok?” Pip's voice barely registered.

She took a long drink.

“Has something happened? What’s wrong?”

Beca blinked. “I… I, uh… ” Pip stood up, walking around the table. She pulled out a chair and guided her boss into it. Beca put her head in her hands, eyes wide, before tucking her hair behind her ears. “I saw someone. Someone I, uh… someone I thought I’d never see again.” It was hard to put her thoughts into words; the adrenaline coursing through her system was elevating her heartbeat to a volume at which she couldn’t hear her own thoughts.

“You’re in shock” Pip said gently, finally deciding to reach out and take the producer’s hands in her own. “Take some deep breaths.”

Beca looked up. “Sorry. I… sorry. I… ” she shook her head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It’s OK. Just breathe gently, alright? Focus on that for a bit.”

It was several minutes before Pip noticed a significant change in Beca. She appeared to have more colour and the shaking in her hands had stopped.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Beca tucked her loose hair behind her ears and took a breath in through her nose. “I… there’s not much to say. I had a really nice meal with Jesse. We left the restaurant, he went to his car, I hailed a cab. And then she walked into me. Not, like, on purpose or anything. Just… just bumped my shoulder. I looked up, realised it was her, and I got in the cab without saying anything. I just… I left.” She took another drink of water. “And now she’s gonna think I’m batshit crazy because what kind of person just… ignores someone they’ve known for that long and jumps in a cab?”

“You were in shock.”

Beca folded her arms on the table and leaned down until her nose was pressed against the wooden surface. As her back pulsated, Pip reached out to comfort her. It was only as she got closer she realised she was laughing.

“Fuck!” Beca exclaimed, sitting back upright, pausing for a moment to check she hadn’t woken Lennon. “Do you know how long I’ve been wondering where she was or what she was doing? Five fucking years. Five years of trying to live without the best person I’d ever, ever met. Do you know how much it fucking hurt? I…” Beca stopped herself. Looked across at Pip. “You know what? It makes sense. I always knew I’d be the one to screw it up. I walked away first. I moved to LA. I… I was the one who stopped answering calls and cancelled plans and never showed up for anything.” She sighed cathartically. “I see her again after five _fucking years_ and I walk away. Wanna know why? Because I’m the master of my own downfall. I’m the psycho who sabotages the game. I’m the kid that throws the Monopoly board on the floor instead of having to deal with losing all my money.” Pip watched on as Beca rambled, mentally planning on staying the night in her spare bedroom rather than leaving her boss to cope alone. “Five fucking years and I didn’t even say hi. I didn’t…” Beca’s hand clamped over her mouth as she let out a strangled cry. “Fuck!”

Sleep wasn’t Beca’s friend. All her mind did all night was replay, over and over, the few seconds between her looking directly into Chloe’s eyes and her getting into the car.

“At least Groundhog Day lasted 24 hours” she mumbled, holding onto her pillow as the scene began again.

At some point she must have fallen asleep. She didn’t notice her bedroom door being pushed open. Didn’t notice the way the sheets were pulled off her body. Didn’t notice the presence of another person trying to climb into her bed.

Until Mickey Mouse hit her in the face.

Blinking, Beca rolled over. Pulling Lennon into her, she kissed his head. “Good morning, sleepy butt.” Stretching her arms, she smiled as he tried to pull her towards the door. “OK. Alright, buddy. I… I’m coming.”

It was only as she followed her son down the stairs, wiping the dried saliva from the corner of her mouth and blinking to cope with the light pouring through the windows that Beca realised they were not alone.

“Hey” Pip said gently as Beca walked into the room, looking just as rough as she had the night before. “Coffee?”

“Please.” The mug was placed in front of her. Beca looked up at her PA. “You didn’t have to stay last night. Thank you.”

Pip shrugged. “I wasn’t about to leave you. Although, I think maybe Lennon might have been a bit confused this morning. I woke up to him staring at me. So sorry if he’s a bit… unsettled.”

Beca took a sip of her coffee and watched as her son ate small slithers of toast with his hands. “He’ll be fine.”

“How do you feel today? Did you get any sleep?”

“I feel weird. I… I don’t remember falling asleep but I obviously did at some point. I just, uh, need to focus on today and what I’ve got in my life and how lucky I am to have an amazing son and a wonderful assistant.” She took a drink of her coffee, finding more and more clarity with every sip. “I guess yesterday was a reminder that we go through stuff for a reason and that, sometimes, the past is best left where it is.”

Pip nodded curtly but said nothing. Beca sensed her trepidation, her desire to not open that particular can of worms again.

“I’m a different person now. I’m older. I’ve got a cool job in the industry I always wanted to be in. I’ve got different responsibilities and different priorities and a kid I need to take care of.”

Pip smiled. “Well, I’ll leave you two to it. But be kind to yourself today, yeah? And remember I’m here if you need me.”

“Go and have an actual day off, please” Beca said as kindly as she could. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

Once they had both eaten breakfast and the kitchen was clean, Beca set about getting herself and Lennon ready for the day. They worked through the occupational therapist’s visual guide to using the toilet, washing hands, getting dressed and brushing teeth. Beca somehow managed to pull on a pair of jeans whilst gargling mouthwash and supervising a four-piece Mickey Mouse puzzle. And then she got on the floor and pulled up two pictures on the iPad.

“Ok, buddy. Listening” she tapped her ear. “Park” she pointed to the picture they had taken of their new local park, “or the Play Pavilion?” Beca grimaced as Lennon’s finger hovered over the picture she’d taken the last time they’d been to the indoor play center inside the mall. As he tapped it she nodded, accepting her fate. “Good choosing. OK, now it’s shoes then car.” Beca stopped, trying to focus. She held up one finger and spoke clearly. “First, shoes.”

By the time they’d arrived at the mall, Beca was regretting ever having offered Lennon the choice of coming here. Why she hadn’t realised that a Saturday might be a bad time was beyond her. As they made their way through the large double doors and into the multi-coloured nightmare warehouse, she was just thankful she had had the forethought to bring the stroller with her.

Lennon eagerly clambered out of her grasp once Beca had taken his shoes off. His walking was getting more and more confident every day and she was comfortable letting him slightly further out of her reach. He immediately found the mirrors hung on the wall and pressed his face close, moving his mouth and watching the reflection change.

“Dude just…” Beca watched on, grimacing. “Don’t lick it, man.”

Too late.

Beca pulled a wipe from her bag and quickly cleaned down the mirror. “You, little man” she said as she very carefully stroked at his chin with the unused corner of the wipe, “are so gross. Go on, find something else. Maybe explore it with your hands this time.”

The light tubes in the far corner of the room seemed to capture Lennon’s attention. He walked towards them, Beca following just behind to make sure he was OK as the other kids moved out of his path. It was an instinct she couldn’t ignore, especially not when there were a lot of other children around. Lennon didn’t understand personal space. Or sharing. And there had been a couple of times at his old daycare in LA where he had hit out at the other kids when they had tried to play with one of ‘his’ toys. As his advocate and, for now, his voice, Beca knew that being close by was the only way to make sure that he was understood and that she could put the people who judged her crappy parenting in their place.

Lennon got comfortable in the light zone, pulling and pushing at the random bubble tubes and clusters of rope lights coming out of the walls and hanging down from the ceiling. Beca sat behind him in one corner, spreading her legs wide so that she could contain him as he wandered around, allowing the strings to run through his little fingers. As he played, content, Beca watched on. From being tiny and helpless, it amazed her that he could do so much by himself. He could sit up, reach out for things, use his hands and fingers to pull things closer or push them away. She sometimes thought about Lennon’s condition as a blessing. Time slowed down a little and she appreciated every little milestone, no matter how small. She couldn’t imagine how quickly a typically developing child would breeze through things like supporting their own weight or feeding themselves with a spoon. As hard as it was not to compare, Beca liked the way she could see Lennon’s determination. His pride at his own abilities. His confidence growing every single day.

“OK. Listening” she tapped her ear as she noticed his attention waning, both of them becoming distracted by the sounds of the other kids shouting and playing with one another. “Snack” she used the sign she had picked up from his speech therapist, “or train?” She knew he knew that word.

Lennon went to get up, but Beca held out a hand. Noticing his lip quiver, she stopped. “Show me good waiting.” She knew she had about five seconds. “Now, tell me. Snack” she signed again, “or train. Choosing. Lennon is choosing.”

“Ah-ah” he pointed in the vague direction of the soft train in the opposite corner of the play area. Beca decided against trying to get him to make a “t-t-t” sound, and let him wander off.

She should have realised that other kids would be on the train. Lennon cautiously stepped forward, walked around the exterior of the plush, blue, wipe-clean carriage, not quite confident enough to climb inside with the other kids. Someone walked too close to him, nudging him. He walked backwards until he hit the wall, tapping his hands on his legs- a sign that he was highly uncomfortable. Beca swooped in, bending down in front of him.

“Good job, Lennon. Good playing.” She took a breath, watching the way his gaze was still firmly on the train. It was clear he had had enough. “All done. Time to go. Shoes on.”

The train had been too much. Too many kids. Too much noise. No chance to play with it the way he would have wanted. His hands had crept up to cup his ears. Lennon was overwhelmed. Beca opened her bag, searching for his headphones, and cursed under her breath. They weren’t there. “Shit.” The rest of the mall was probably going to be louder than the play area. Finding the stroller, she quickly placed Lennon into his seat and buckled him in. His hands didn’t leave his ears. His eyes had now closed.

“Okay, okay. I’m getting you out of here”. She released the brake on the stroller and, with a wave to the young girl on the front desk of the Play Pavilion, walked as quickly as she could towards the nearest elevator.

The doors closed just in time. Lennon arched his back and began thrashing his head into the cushioned back of the stroller. Beca held it firm, not wanting it to topple. She knew better than to intervene until she had something that could actually help, like the ear defenders she had stupidly left in the car.

By the time they had reached the parking lot, Lennon’s distress had earned them both quite the audience. He had pulled off his shoes and socks had thrown them behind him as Beca had manoeuvred the stroller towards the car. She had noticed, but hadn’t stopped. They’d have to visit Target another day to get a replacement pair. Maybe a couple if this was his new game.

“OK, here’s the car”, Beca said gently, trying to hold onto the unstable stroller whilst digging in her bag for her keys. Getting down on her knees, she held the sides of the stroller firm and tried to calm Lennon. “I know it’s hard, buddy. I know it’s been a long day and that you’re tired. Mommy’s tired too. But you need to stop so that we can get in the car.”

She felt tears pricking at her eyes. It really hadn’t been the best idea to come to a new, busy place while sleep-deprived. On a Saturday.

“Hey”.

Beca continued to search one-handed through her bag, slightly panicking that her keys weren’t yet in her hand, whilst holding onto the stroller as strongly as she could.

“Excuse me? I… I think you dropped these.”

Beca paused, hand still in her bag, and looked up, realising someone was talking to her. Her eyes traced up from the pair of shoes held carefully in a hand, over the sleeve of a hoodie, up over ginger curls, pale skin, blushing cheeks.

Beca gasped as she felt herself fall into blue, sparkling eyes.

The same sensation washed over her from the previous evening. Her mouth went dry. All words seemed to melt out of her brain.

“C…. Chloe.”

“Hi, Beca.”

Time seemed to stand still for a moment. No sound. No movement. Until Lennon turned his screeching up a gear and kicked his legs out towards the car.

“Do you want some help?”

Beca sighed. “Sorry. I… I’m trying to find my keys. But I can’t do it one-handed when he’s…”

Chloe nodded and pulled the stroller back to face her. Squatting, she held the sides and began to push it gently back and forth, smiling at Lennon and shushing gently. Beca watched on for a moment before collecting herself and finally grasping her fingers around her keys.

“Got them!” She exclaimed, opening the door. Leaning across the back seat, she pulled out the headphones. “This is what this is all about” she gestured to Lennon. “I forgot to bring them in with me.” Beca stepped forward, noticing the way Chloe moved out of her way to give her space, and placed the headphones gently onto Lennon’s ears. “I’ll just… put him in his seat.”

Chloe nodded, watching on. Beca quickly unbuckled her son, pulling him into her arms. She placed him in his car seat before retrieving the iPad from underneath the stroller and handing it to him. Once he was settled, she closed the door and took a breath.

“Thank you. You… you timed that well.” Chloe smiled but said nothing. Beca continued, looking up through hooded eyes. “If you had known it was me, would you still have helped?”

Chloe scrunched her nose in confusion. Her reply was soft. Kind. “Of course I would.”

“Even after…” Beca paused, pinching the bridge of her nose before looking up into the same baby blues she had lost herself in the previous evening. “I’m sorry I blanked you last night. I… I didn’t…”

Chloe reached out, her hand touching Beca’s arm. Beca flinched. She had forgotten the amount of physical contact Chloe used to communicate. “It’s fine. I… I’ll leave you alone. I just wanted to help. See you around.” She turned on her heel and was walking away by the time Beca’s brain and mouth managed to coordinate.

“Chloe, wait.” Beca licked her lips, looking up at the redhead. “Can we… can we do this properly? Talk, I mean. I… I don’t really have time right now, but… coffee? Sometime?”

Chloe blinked. Beca was unsure what was going to happen until a soft smile spread across her face. “That would be nice.” Chloe walked back towards her, phone in her hand. “Put in your number. I’ll text you and we can find a day that works.”

Beca noticed the way her fingers trembled as she typed. Handing the phone back, she nodded curtly. “Well, thank you. For, uh, being there at the right time.”

Chloe waved her hand. “It was nothing. I… I’ll text you. Drive safe.”

Beca climbed into the driver’s seat, quickly checking on Lennon in the rearview mirror before pulling out of her space. Chloe got further and further away as she drove towards the exit. Once the redhead was gone from view, Beca leaned back slightly against the headrest.

“What just happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	9. Cleanup Time

The questions began almost as soon as Beca had time to think. The events in the parking lot played over and over and, as the days dragged by with no message from Chloe, her anxious mind pulled apart every moment they had shared. She wondered whether Chloe would even text her. She wondered whether she’d realised who Lennon was and had freaked out. She wondered whether Chloe had walked away, processed what she’d seen, and judged Beca for his meltdown. The rational part of her knew she was overthinking, but she understood that Chloe was going to have a lot of questions for her. She had a lot of questions for Chloe, too.

By Tuesday, Beca’s anxiety was getting the better of her. As she pulled up outside The Grange, one of the nicest hotels in Atlanta, she tried to stop her fingers from drumming on the steering wheel. A deep, shaky breath turned into a yawn. The previous night had been difficult from the moment she had got in the door and sent Pip home. Lennon had been fussy, wanting constant attention and, when she’d finally got him to sleep and climbed into her own bed, the questions over Chloe and her radio silence had held her rest hostage.

The meeting with Sammy had been far from her mind until Pip had reminded her that morning to wear something ‘Grange appropriate’. Settling for a slightly more upmarket version of her usual black-jeans-and-leather-jacket work attire (it was only dinner with Sammy, not an artist or someone she needed to impress), she had spent a couple of hours answering emails in her office before heading out to lunch.

“Reggie, nice to see you.” Sammy greeted Beca with a kiss to each cheek before gesturing for her to sit down. He looked the same as he did in the office; crisp shirt, expensive sunglasses perched on his bald head. It was strange, Beca thought, that she was no longer intimidated by him. The first few months of her internship, she’d trodden so carefully just to make sure not to upset him. Even when he’d listened to her music, well, Emily’s music, she’d thought about every word that came out of her mouth. Now, after working her way into her position and knowing he trusted her, she could let her guard down.

“How’s the kid?” Sammy asked.

Beca shrugged. “He’s all good, thank you.”

“And the school? Have you had his IEP meeting yet?”

“Not yet” Beca took a sip of her water. “We’re still trying to find a date that works for everyone. Since it’s the first one, I don’t want anybody important to be missing from the conversation. But, uh, the school seems great. I just can’t imagine how he’s going to feel about it all. It’s a big change, especially since he’s been at home with my PA since we moved.”

Sammy nodded slowly. “It is a big deal. But kids are resilient. Just look at how well he’s coped with moving across the country.” Looking pointedly at Beca, he took a breath. “OK, parent to parent, Arbor West is the best decision you could have made for him. They’ll take every step seriously. They honestly will find ways to build a relationship with your kid that you could only imagine. I mean, when I launched the Atlanta studio we didn’t know we needed to be looking for a special needs school. Finding Arbor West was… well, it changed our lives.”

“That good?” Beca asked quietly.

“I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version because this meeting is supposed to be about you,” Sammy said with a knowing look in his eye. “Amara was always different to our other kids. We chalked it up to her being the youngest, but after a while that didn’t make sense with what we were seeing. The elementary school she was in didn’t know what to do with her. They asked us to see a psychologist because they thought she was depressed and acting out. At six years old. Ridiculous.”

“Oh, that’s awful.”

Sammy nodded. “I know. Me and Lisa, my wife, made a list of everything we were concerned about and the school did the same. We took both lists, and Amara, to the psychologist and straight away they diagnosed her. That woman looked into her soul and saw that she was angry because the world didn’t make sense to her and because she couldn’t control herself. It wasn’t the first time we’d thought about ADHD, we were ready for that part, but then she said the word ‘autism’ and it changed everything. She managed a couple years at the elementary school but the social stuff was hard for her and she found the other kids difficult to deal with. We had a long talk and started looking for another school. Someone recommended Arbor West and we never looked back.”

Beca couldn’t hide her smile. It was strange, but comforting, to have her boss trust her enough to share. “And what is she doing now?”

“She’s just got an internship at an animation studio. She’s seriously into her art. And video games. And comics. She comes home every day with something new to tell us and it’s just… awesome.”

“She sounds amazing, Sammy.”

The genuine smile Sammy gave warmed her heart. “She’s the best.” He took another sip of his drink. “Anyway, aside from the kid, how are you? You, uh, you have friends here, right? That’s why you wanted to come back?”

Beca ran a hand through her loose, brown hair, looking down at the table before meeting Sammy’s gaze. “I used to. I, uh, I moved back here because LA was too much for Lennon. And me, I guess. But, ah, my dad lives here.”

“Oh.” Sammy paused. “But there was that kid who sang on the…” He tapped the side of his glass with his fingers. “Maybe I’ve got that wrong. My memory has never been great for names. Or faces.”

“Oh, no. You’re right. Emily. Emily Junk.”

“Serenity Monk.”

“Sure.” Beca shook her head. “Anyway, she, uh, she’s not in the music game anymore. She’s about to finish a PhD in sociolinguistics.”

“Smart kid.”

Beca nodded. “She is. Always was, really. I mean, she’s not a kid anymore. She’s a grown ass married woman which makes me feel super old.”

“Imagine how I feel, Reggie!” Sammy said with a glint in his eye. “You were a college intern when we met. Now look at where we are.”

“A lot has changed” Beca’s sage words came out just louder than a whisper.

“You’re still you, though. I still see the same spunky kid who jumped in on a recording with Snoop and ended up on his album. And then broke into my office to record a song with one of the other kids from your sorority.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “OK. So, first off, I don’t regret the Snoop thing at all. It got you to notice me. Plus, the sales were so good that the royalties I got were enough to pay for at least two Chinese takeouts when I was in New York.” Sammy shook his head at her sarcastic tone. “And, second, we weren’t a sorority. We were an all-girls acapella group and we were- at that point in time- world champions. We performed for the president.” _You bitch._ Beca heard Aubrey’s voice in her head, and almost smiled at the memory of her passive-aggressive disputes with the authoritative blonde.

“I know you did.” Sammy shrugged. “I researched you the minute you opened your mouth to sing. You’re talented. You always have been. You’re creative. You get what people like to listen to and you can make art out of sound.” After eating a forkful of his lunch, Sammy looked up at Beca, who was still taking in his praises and looking slightly uncomfortable. “I know Khaled’s offer wasn’t exactly what you were looking for, but it could have been a real stepping stone for you. I was telling my execs when you got that deal that you were the next Tiesto. There were rumours you were working on a solo album after your year with Khaled and then… nothing.”

It suddenly felt as if all the oxygen in the room had disappeared. Beca felt the weight in her lungs as she tried to breathe.

“What happened?”

Beca tried her best to put words together before she opened her mouth. “You know what happened, Sammy.”

“Having a kid isn’t a reason to let go of your career. I know you hid yourself away once he arrived and, believe me, I get it, but music is an escape, Reggie. I would have thought that you of all people would have used it to get you through. When you came back to the LA office, I thought you wanted to produce something together to send out to labels. I honestly wasn’t expecting you to apply for a job behind the scenes after I’d seen you light up a stage like you did. Did music just not make you happy anymore? Your music, I mean.”

The question felt invasive. Beca could feel her defences rising, her usual ‘conceal, don’t feel’ approach closing her off. It was a safety mechanism that only a few people had ever got past. One in particular seemed to have broken down her boundaries as if they’d never been there.

Sammy seemed to notice a shift in her demeanour. Sitting up slightly, he reached out a hand to touch hers. “Hey” he said gently, “did I hit a nerve? I’m sorry if I…”

Beca shook her head. “No it’s, uh… I’m tired.”

“Don’t do that to me, Reggie. Come on. I’ve heard that excuse so many times.”

It took another moment before Beca could look at him. She took a breath, noticing the way her leg bounced nervously under the table. “I can’t write.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Beca bit her lip. “I’m not sure. I… maybe both?” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I tried. I really did. But…” Beca took another breath, realising there was no point hiding from Sammy. He was a good guy. He was only trying to help. Maybe if he understood, he’d leave her alone to carry on producing other people’s music and stop bugging her.

“But?” He prompted, his gaze pointed but still kind.

“I’d tried when I was younger but it wasn’t my thing. So I stuck to covers. And then, when the serious offers came in and people started talking about me writing my own stuff, I was alone with no family and no real friends in a city I barely knew. All the things I was running away from came out when I wrote. It… it hurt too much to write it down. It made it feel real. I couldn’t be dealing with all of the other shit and still be, like, a functioning person. And then I had Lennon. He needed me more than the world needed my music. So I stopped. Stopped performing. Stopped even thinking about writing. Stopped anything apart from the mixes I produced in the studio. The ones for other people. I couldn’t think about me. Focusing on him, and only him, it… it was the only way we got from day to day.”

Sammy didn’t speak for a moment. Beca looked down at her barely touched lunch and her stomach churned. Her foot tapped against the leg of her chair. The silence was unbearable but she fought the urge to fill it, not trusting herself enough to speak her thoughts out loud.

“OK.” He finally spoke. Beca felt herself relax slightly. “I’m going to ask you something now and I need your honest answer.” The feeling of relaxation quickly disappeared. Beca nodded anyway. “What can I do, as a manager, as a producer and as a friend,” he looked at her as he said the last word, “to get you to a place where you could think about producing your own tracks again?” Beca took in his words but didn’t speak. Sammy took this as a cue for him to continue. “I’m not saying right now. I’m not going to bring in a label or even discuss this outside of us. But I need to know. What do you need from me?”

Beca took a long drink. Her mind was working overtime. “I was going to say time” she finally answered, “but I don’t think that would help anymore. I’ve had plenty of time and it… it doesn’t work that way.” She ran a hand through her hair, a nervous habit she seemed to be relying on. “Patience is probably a better word for it. I think I need you to be patient with me. If… if I’m going to dip my toe back into the water, it’s not going to be a quick thing.” She couldn’t quite believe she was even considering that she could make her own music again. This wasn’t what she’d expected to say. “I could start doing some covers or some mixes for myself but I need to work on some shit before I can write. It’s going to make me vulnerable and, being completely honest here, I need to fix some things before I can let myself get to that place.”

“Alright.”

Sammy clearly hadn’t been expecting Beca to carry on. Beca hadn’t been expecting it either, but clearly she felt comfortable. The words began tumbling out. “I think I’m scared about what opening up and writing again will mean for me. I don’t…” she paused, eyes widening as she felt a lump developing in her throat. She swallowed, shaking her head as if that would make it go away. Her finger brushed across her lip. “I came back here because Georgia feels like home. I had nobody in LA and it almost broke me so I asked for a transfer. But it’s different here now. I’m different. My life is different. Everyone else has their own shit going on. I thought it would be easier if I came back because I’d have people but I guess I kind of forgot that they have lives too. I’ve had to learn that the party doesn’t stop when I leave the room.”

“That’s a good line” Sammy said gently.

Beca’s lips turned into a slight grin. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to make sure I’m in a good place before I put myself back in the position where I can let my feelings out into the world and make music that means something.” She watched as Sammy took in her words. When he nodded, she continued. “I don’t just have myself to think about now. Lennon needs me to be strong. I can’t go into myself and sacrifice for my art,” the phrase made her cringe, “not without having a… a network in place to make sure my kid doesn’t get affected.”

“You know” Sammy smiled at her, picking up his drink, “you’ve given this a lot of thought for someone who said ‘no’ the first time I asked.”

Beca ran her teeth over her lip. She had no words.

“I’m not going to pressure you.” Sammy took her silence as a sign that he could continue. “I won’t even mention it again until you come to me. But I believe in you, Reggie. I know you’ve got something special. Whatever it is that’s holding you back, fix it. Because the world deserves the chance to see what you can do.” Beca nodded, knowing deep down that he was right. “When Khaled signed you, I thought I’d missed my opportunity. But you’re here in front of me and I’m not going to walk away from this, Reggie. I want to be the one standing next to you when you win that first Grammy.”

“Woah.” Her mind was spinning. Beca hadn’t even realised she’d said the word out loud until Sammy reached over and patted her arm.

“I’m deadly serious. Have you ever known me to back the wrong horse?”

Beca paused, a grin growing on her face. “I mean, you do remember I was there, right? When you produced a Christmas album for Snoop Dogg? That… that doesn’t feel like the _right_ horse.”

Sammy cracked a smile. “Just trust me, OK?”

“OK.” Beca nodded, trying to understand the gravity of what she was agreeing to. “I trust you.”


	10. We're All Water

“Hi! I’m home!” Beca had decided against going back to the office after her meeting with Sammy. Everything he had said was still swimming in her brain and there was no way she could be productive.

“Good meeting?” Pip asked as Beca walked into the living room.

“It was OK, yeah. How’s little guy been?” Beca watched Lennon for a moment, trying to work out what he was so engrossed in. “Does he have… coupons?”

Pip smiled. “We went for a walk around Kmart. There was a sales flyer in the cart and he found it. He hasn’t put it down. I’ve got no idea what caught his attention but clearly something did.”

“Well, maybe he’ll learn how to save his mama some money. That would be a valuable skill.”

“Oh, for sure.” Beca was relieved when Pip chuckled at her joke. “Well, I’ll leave you to it if that’s OK? I’ll see you in the morning.”

Beca nodded and made her way over to her son as Pip left the house. Sitting down in front of him, she tried to get a better look at the sheet he was holding. “What’s got you so interested, buddy?”

Nothing.

She got up. “Well, since you’re so engrossed, I’m going to go and make us some dinner.” It was strange to be so comfortable leaving Lennon alone in another room. Still, Beca could see him through the kitchen window and she was close enough that she’d definitely hear any loud noises.

By the time she reached the kitchen door, she could feel two pairs of eyes on her. She shook her head and walked over to the area she called the ‘noticeboard’. It contained easy visuals she could use with Lennon, some artwork he’d done with Pip, letters from specialists she had yet to file and- most importantly of all- the cat chart. Beca had never thought of herself as a cat person. She liked most animals to the point where she could appreciate them from a distance, but she’d never wanted to own one. It was only when, on a walk around her LA neighbourhood whilst trying to curb her second trimester, pregnancy-induced leg cramps, she had heard a mewling sound from a cardboard box hidden behind a dumpster, that she’d ever felt the urge to take an animal into her home. 

The two kittens had been abandoned. Her hormones wouldn’t let her walk away. So, after a brief and very expensive trip to the vet, she had registered the two creatures under her name and taken them home. The vet had told her they were two girls. Of course, Beca had given them musician names. The names of two badass women. Stevie, naturally. And Jett. Because she had enough self-respect to not call a cat ‘Joan’.

The cat chart had been installed once they had moved to Georgia and Pip had come onto the scene; once there was someone else in the house who could reach the food. The cats had quickly realised that they could trick the humans into feeding them twice. Beca hadn’t even noticed until their food ran out for the second time in less than a month. Thus, the cat chart had been invented. The sign was laminated, with a fancy pointer Beca had found in a box of resources Lennon’s speech therapist had given her. She wasn’t sure she would approve of how it had been repurposed.

“Ok. Let’s see. Ah, sorry. The chart says no. See,” Beca bent down and picked up Jett, scratching behind her ear as she pointed to the chart, “the little bastards have been fed. Tough shit.” She put the cat back down when she became uncomfortable and Beca shook her head. “It’s probably a good thing the kid can’t read yet.” Realising she was talking to a cat who was now licking her back leg, Beca paused. Regrouping, she opened the refrigerator and assessed the options for dinner.

Lennon didn’t put down his Kmart coupons all evening. Beca didn’t have the energy to battle with him, so she let him hold them and fed him with a spoon. It made for a much cleaner dinner than usual and he ate everything he was offered, including some broccoli she had snuck onto his plate. Maybe distraction was a way forward, she thought to herself as she quickly cleared the plates. Lennon sat, strapped into his chair, continuing to stare at the coupons.

“Dude. What is it about these things?” She pulled up a seat next to him, leaning in slightly closer to get a better look. “Show me what you like.”

Lennon clearly didn’t understand the question.

  
“Is it the noise it makes when you flap?” Beca asked out loud. “Or the colours? Or…”

Lennon put the coupons down and almost folded himself in half. He pressed his eye close to one of the corners and began to hum, fingers scratching slightly at the place mat still in front of him. It was one of his happy noises. Once he moved away, Beca shook her head and smiled.

“Well, it looks like we don’t need to worry about getting your eyes tested, little dude.” Pulling out her phone, she zoomed in and snapped a photo for Pip. There, right in the corner of a coupon for a Disney-themed kiddie pool was the tiniest image of Mickey Mouse. Beca sent the message straight away, receiving a cry-laughing emoji back within seconds. “You found Mickey.”

Lennon looked up at the sound of his favourite character’s name. He reached his hand up, pointer finger sort-of extended, and, after missing a couple times, brushed the end of his nose. Beca couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her lips. She copied him, using her finger to mimic his movements. “You’re right. It’s a mouse. Mickey,” she cupped her two hands and put them to the sides of her head, before doing the same sign as before, “Mouse.” Lennon lifted his arms, doing his best to copy her. Beca pulled out her phone.

“Mickey” she said as he tapped his head with flat hands. “Mouse” he brushed his nose. Beca put her phone back in her pocket, unbuckled Lennon from his seat and pulled him into a huge hug. She jiggled up and down, making him giggle. “You’re so clever.” Holding him on her hip, she turned and pressed her nose against his before kissing it. “Ok. It’s bath time.”

There was enough Mickey paraphernalia in the bathroom to keep Lennon occupied. Beca had worried what the meltdown would look like if his coupons got wet. She left her phone downstairs, too, having learned her lesson about how much her son liked to splash.

Once the water was at a suitable temperature, Beca sat at the side and washed her son gently. “You know,” she said as she watched him pour water from a cup back into the tub, “water is so weird. Like, we just recycle it.” She paused at that visual and shook her head. “This water could have got here all the way from LA. It could have moved through the pipes from our old house, out into the ocean, up into the clouds and then rained down in Georgia. And then it could have been collected and pumped back through the pipes until it got here. Isn’t that weird?”

There was a moment of silence while Beca sat on the bathroom floor. Lennon was busy playing with the toys she’d put in the tub with him. She was sure he’d learned to filter out her rambling after four years of it. “You know, mommy was offered something really cool today. And I want to do it. I think I’ve got it in me. I… I want to write about you, little man, and tell the world how proud I am. I want to write about how strong you make me and how much I love you. But… writing about you means thinking about how you were made. And that means thinking about how sad mommy was. And that means thinking about _why_ mommy was sad.” She sighed.

“She never called, you know. After that day in the parking lot where you were screaming blue murder? She said she would but she didn’t. And I don’t know what to do with that information, dude. Because I thought maybe she was the first step, you know? I thought… I thought maybe I needed to cross that bridge before I apologised to the others for being flaky and… well, me. But now I’m thinking it needs to be the other way around. I think maybe I need to have someone else in my corner- not my dad or Pip but someone from back then- before I can tackle it because, if it hurts me, I need someone to catch me who understands her. Who understands us. It’s already starting to hurt again, dude, and there’s nobody there.”

Beca thought back to her conversation with Jesse all those years ago. _She never caught me._ The thought was sudden and painful.

“I honestly never thought you’d meet her. I… I’d pushed that idea so far from my head. Like, I never thought we’d be on the same coast. I never thought we’d talk again. I definitely never expected her to just… be here.” Beca sighed. “I appreciate you letting me just get this out, dude, but I think I’m going to have to be a big girl and talk to someone who can actually, you know, help.” She paused, looking at Lennon. “No offence.”

“Mama”. The sound of the word did something to her heart every time she heard it.

“Yes?”

“Mama,” Lennon lifted up the cup he had been using in the bath and pushed it close to her face. With a gleeful look in his eyes, he tapped the end of his nose. Beca melted.

“It’s Mickey Mouse. You’re right.” She shook her head. This feeling of pride was something she’d never felt so strongly before. Not even watching the Bellas cinch a world championship could compare to the rush she felt. Reaching over, she held out his favourite towel. “OK. Time to dry.”

Chasing Lennon and getting him into a clean pull-up, clean pyjamas and brushing his teeth took a fair amount of energy. By the time he was in bed, head on the pillow, both of them were exhausted. Beca reached out to tuck him in, brushing his wild hair off his face. Lennon’s fingers pressed against her arm, touching the tattoo on her wrist.

Headphones. A tattoo from a moment of rebellion in high school, a time when she had held everyone at arm’s reach and nobody could tell her ‘no’.

Lennon tilted his head to look closer. Blinking he turned back to Beca and tapped his nose, before tapping her tattoo.

Beca grinned. “Oh, you think it’s Mickey?” She paused, not sure whether to laugh or cry at the sweetness. “No, no buddy. It’s headphones.” Reaching behind her, she pulled a set of ear defenders off his shelf. “See? Like this.”

Lennon’s forehead wrinkled slightly. It was clear he was deep in thought. He shook his head. “Mmmm” he tried to make the noise, before tapping his nose once again. Beca opened her mouth to reiterate her point but, before she could, Lennon had closed his eyes.

“If all this progress in one night is because you finally ate one piece of broccoli, I’m going to be putting it in every meal” Beca whispered before kissing her son gently on his forehead. “Sweet dreams, my dude. I love you.”

Once downstairs, Beca unlocked her phone and made a quick note of everything Lennon had done that evening. She would fill in the forms the therapy teams had sent her properly before the IEP but, for now, her notes section was filled with random moments she needed to remember. The kitchen was clear and so Beca made her way to the couch. Both cats seemed to have already claimed their places, so she found herself perched on one end, legs awkwardly curled around so as not to disturb (or invoke the wrath of) Stevie.

In the quiet of the evening, she thought about everything she had blurted out to Lennon while he was in the bath. It hadn’t been on purpose; she had been holding it all inside and had clearly just needed to air it. Lennon hadn’t minded. He was used to her ramblings by now, she was sure. Her mind took her back through her lunch with Sammy as she sat, staring at the blank TV screen. In her heart of hearts, she knew he was right. She wanted to create something for herself again. She wanted to be more involved in the music. As much as she tried to deny it, she couldn’t fight the urge to put her stamp on the projects she oversaw. Plus, if she could write her own stuff, she’d have more creative control than DJ Khaled’s team had ever given her; more ownership over her sound.

Beca thought back to the music she had recorded as a student. The days she had spent mixing in her room. The nights spent sneaking her tracks into the playlists of the campus radio. The pure joy she had felt when she had finally found herself working the desk in a real, honest-to-god studio with Emily at the mic.

Emily.

Seeing Legacy again had been weird because it had felt so _normal_. There wasn’t any tension. No bad blood. It had just been two old friends reuniting over a mug of herbal tea. Emily was someone Beca trusted. She had been her creative equal and, during her final year at Barden, they had worked closely together to achieve everything that had led to their world championship title win. Emily seemed to understand Beca as a creative. If she confessed she was trying to get back into creating, possibly even trying to write her own stuff for the first time, she was certain Emily would jump at the opportunity to help her however she could.

Beca couldn’t understand why she was hesitating. Why she was nervous to make contact with someone she’d already met up and had tea with in the last week.

Somehow, she knew the answer was Chloe.

Chloe was always the answer, regardless of the question.

Emily, as lovely as she was, wouldn’t be able to look past the fact that they had seen one another. She wouldn’t be able to let it go. She would, in her true bull-in-a-china-shop style, barrel through every boundary they’d put up. And, because she was still essentially a curious, excitable puppy in human form (regardless of the extensive university qualifications), she’d expect them to just go back to being the partnership they’d always been, but Beca wasn’t ready to open that door yet. Not until she understood why Chloe had left.

Maybe it would be better to speak to Emily when she was further along the journey. Maybe when she was ready to write something or make music again. She needed to have a focus when she saw Emily because, for some reason, that girl looked at the world said out loud exactly what she saw.

Right now, Beca needed someone strong. Someone who could be rational and keep their emotions in check. If she was going to try and repair the relationships she’d let go of, if she was going to attempt to build bridges, she needed someone who could keep her in her place. Someone who prided themselves more on their integrity than their loyalty.

Beca shook her head as she opened the Facebook app on her phone. This wasn’t what she’d expected she’d be doing this evening. But she needed someone to talk to. Someone who would listen, process and give her honest answers.

The only person she could think of was Aubrey ‘no bullshit’ Posen.

Opening the messenger, she found her name and quickly tapped out a message.

_Hi. I know it’s been a long time but I’m just wondering if you’re free to talk? Sorry if that’s weird._

Three dots appeared. Beca couldn’t wait.

_It’s about Chloe._

Within seconds, a reply appeared. A phone number. Beca settled herself into her couch cushions and dialled.


	11. I Don't Wanna Face It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here. Have 2500 words of Aubrey Posen realness. Consider it a gift.

“Is she OK?”

Beca stumbled over her half-completed initial greeting as Aubrey’s desperate voice echoed through the phone.

“Beca, please. Is she OK?”

“Yeah… yeah I think so.”

The relief was almost palatable as Aubrey let out a long, smooth breath. “Sorry. That’s just… it’s the first time anyone’s mentioned her in so long and I… I couldn’t help but imagine…”

“Aubrey.” Beca could tell she was spiralling. She spoke firmly. “She’s OK. I’ve seen her with my own eyes. Three, ah, three times, actually.”

“Three times? Where are you? Where is she?”

“I’m in Atlanta. We both are. I saw her at a distance and I was sure it was her but I didn’t… anyway, then I literally walked into her on the street after I met up with Jesse for dinner and then I finally talked to her. In the mall.”

“And she looked OK? She’s not…”

Beca wasn’t sure what Aubrey was going to say. She didn’t let her finish her sentence, desperate to share all of the information she’d been holding inside. “She looked good. Same red hair. Same blue eyes.”

“And she was alone?”

“Yeah. I mean, the first time I saw her she was working. And then… yeah. She was alone.”

Aubrey paused for a moment. Beca stayed quiet, allowing her friend some time to take all of it in. When she finally spoke, Beca could hear the waver in her voice. “What… what did you say to her? I always think about what I’d say if I got to see her again but…”

Beca sighed softly. She hadn’t really ever spared a thought for how Chloe’s leaving had impacted on everyone else. Aubrey was Chloe’s oldest friend. Yet, Beca had been too selfish to reach out. Until now.“It was a weird situation. My, ah, my kid was having a meltdown and threw his shoes in the mall. She followed me out into the parking lot to give them back to me.”

“Of course she did.”

“I don’t even know if she realised it was me until I turned around.”

“And then what happened?” Aubrey asked gently. “Did she say anything?”

Beca thought back to that moment. Thought back to their brief conversation once Lennon was safely in the car. “I… I asked to see her again properly. As in, not when my kid was screaming his little lungs off. I gave her my number.”

“And?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

Beca was up and pacing the living room now, unable to sit with all the nervous energy floating around in her system. It was strange, the realisation that Aubrey hadn’t seen Chloe either. It made it feel so much more real.

“I don’t know if I freaked her out, Bree” Beca continued, the nickname she hadn’t used in years falling effortlessly back into place in their conversation. “She… she left the group before I told you I was pregnant. She would have had no idea I had a kid. She… she wouldn’t have been expecting me to be in Atlanta, either, because the last she knew I was in LA. Maybe seeing me when she least expected was too much and she just… ran again.”

“Beca, stop. Breathe.” Aubrey had never lost her commanding tone. She knew without checking that Beca would have done as she’d asked. “You and I both know Chloe isn’t that kind of person. That’s what made the whole thing so weird in the first place. She was never one to turn her back on anyone, least of all y- us. She’s got your number and I’m sure, once she’s processed seeing you again and the fact that you had a child with you, she’ll reach out.”

“How do you know, though?”

“Because I know Chloe. I know she still cares. Plus, there was always something about you. She was always drawn to you. I don’t know what the hell she saw in you back then, with your plaid obsession and your eyeliner, but you just clicked together. If anyone can pull her back in, it’s you.”

For the first time, Beca let a salty tear fall down her cheek. As she wiped it away, she cleared her throat. “I can’t contact her. I don’t have her number. I… I checked on social media and she’s not there.”

“You’ll find a way.”

Beca sighed. “I don’t know if I will. I don’t think I can let myself try and search for her. I just… I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“The truth? I…” Beca paused, collecting herself. “What if I’m the reason she went away?”

“She left all of us, Beca. If… if this was because of something that had happened between you two, it wouldn’t have been like that. She wouldn’t have just… gone.”

“Maybe that’s what I’m more scared of” Beca admitted quietly, “the idea that whatever happened then is something she hid from us. Something we could have stopped.”

“I think it might be.” Aubrey’s tone was calm but serious. It cut through Beca’s panic, forcing her to pay attention. “Maybe preparing yourself for something unexpected would be a good thing. You just need to talk it out with her when you get the chance.”

Beca nodded to herself. “I know. I just… I feel like I need to explain a lot to her, too. I’ve got five pretty significant years to catch her up on. Things have changed. I’m not the person who left New York. Not anymore.”

“Well, you can practise with me if you like?” Aubrey said gently. “If that would help?”

Beca sat back down on the couch, noticing the angry look from Stevie as she encroached on her space. “I mean, where do I start? I… I know people drift apart and stuff but I… I neglected you guys for a long time. Almost as soon as she was gone. It wasn’t you. I was hurting and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else in the process. I know that makes me sound like an ass, but it’s the truth.”

Aubrey didn’t respond to Beca’s confession. Instead, she made her focus ahead, shining a light on a future Beca wasn’t sure was entirely possible to envision. “I think her biggest question is going to be about your son. I mean, that’s the one thing she knows now that she didn’t then. Well, plus you being in Atlanta but… the kid’s more significant.”

Beca would always be grateful for Aubrey’s decisiveness and her intelligence. “True. OK. Well, what do you think she’ll want to know?”

“This is about you, Beca. What do you feel comfortable telling her?”

Beca thought back to when she’d first seen Chloe again. In the hallway of her son’s new school. “I mean, I hate introducing him this way but I think- for context- it’s important for her to know that Lennon has special needs. A… a chromosome disorder.” She braced herself for the typical sympathetic sound or a quiet apology. She didn’t get one. Beca should have known better. This was Aubrey Posen, after all. “I guess that might help her understand why I was in that school- although she didn’t see me, I don’t think- and it also might explain why he was screaming his head off in a parking lot with no shoes on.”

Aubrey stifled a giggle. “Sorry” she said gently, “I’m just imagining a tiny Beca having a tantrum and throwing shoes.”

“Oh, he’s much cuter than me. After this, I’ll send you an up to date photo.”

“Please do” Aubrey said genuinely. “Anyway, I think that will help. What else is she going to want to know?”

“I mean, she’ll probably want to ask about who his dad is. How, ah, how that happened.”

“And is that something you feel comfortable sharing?”

Beca hated the way Aubrey’s questions were so perfectly delivered. It made her feel bad for being a nervous wreck at the prospect of a conversation with Chloe. Aubrey wouldn’t be freaking out like this. “Well, there’s nothing to say, really. The short answer is that I don’t know who he is and I don’t care.” There was far more to that answer but Beca was not willing to share. Not with Aubrey. Not now.

“OK. Fair.” Aubrey paused once again. “And what about Atlanta? She’ll want to know what that’s about. You’re right; the last time any of us saw you you were still in LA. I only noticed your location when you posted that picture and- to be honest- I thought you were maybe visiting your dad.”

“Jesse said the same thing. Not about my dad. Just that he noticed it said Georgia on my photo.”

“Oh, have you seen Jesse? How is he?”

Beca smiled to herself. “He’s great. He looks amazing actually. Like, the man doesn’t age like a normal human. He’s renovating a house and he just got engaged. He’s all good.”

“Good for him. So, anyway. Georgia. What’s the story?”

“Well, I’m back at Residual Heat. You know the studio where I did my internship? I took a producer position because I needed to be closer to my family. Lennon’s getting older and he’s hard work. I guess I just realised- maybe four years too late- that being a martyr doesn’t always pay off. Not when you’ve got people who actually give a shit about you.”

“I thought you learned that lesson when you joined the Bellas?”

Beca grimaced. “Yeah, but when I panic I close myself off. The only people who could have got me out of that state were Jesse and Chloe. Jesse was living his own life and I didn’t want to be needy. And Chloe was… gone.”

“You could have called, Beca.” Aubrey’s tone gave away how hurt she was. “We’d have all been there.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I really am. Looking back, I regret it. But I think I needed to go through that by myself; I needed to learn that lesson on my own. You know how stubborn I am. Imagine that but with my hormones raging. I was a nightmare.”

“Oh, I imagine you were. But don’t blame the hormones. I mean, I work with pregnant women every day and herding you girls around a stage was much harder. Especially you. And Amy. Give me a breech baby and a torn perineum any day.”

Beca hissed. “Don’t mention that word.”

Aubrey laughed. “Sorry.”

“It’s not funny, Bree. Those stitches were no joke. I’d rather have watched Fat Amy’s spread-eagled, naked ass twirling on those ribbons for the rest of my life.”

“But he’s worth it though?”

Beca smiled. “Of course he is. I mean, jeez, do you hear the way I’m speaking? I’ve gone soft, Posen. Soft.”

“You always were. That hard shell candy coating didn’t fool any of us for long.”

“I tried so hard” Beca said lightly. “But I can’t anymore. I mean, I saw Legacy the other day and I was the one who initiated a hug. Can you imagine?”

“Scandalous” Aubrey said gently. “Did you mention any of this to her?”

“No. I saw her before this had happened, actually. Anyway, I second-guessed calling her about it tonight. I just… had visions of her little excitable puppy eyes and I didn’t want to let her down if, for whatever reason, she doesn’t call.”

“I understand completely. And thank you for getting in touch with me. I… I think about her every day. And I’ve often wondered where she is and what she’s doing. I know there’s a lot of questions that need to be asked but I just… finally knowing where she is has been enough. So thank you.”

“It’s not a problem. I guess I realised that she’d left all of us, not just me. And I…” Beca sighed, still trying to work out how much she wanted to say to her former Bellas captain. “I know that- if I do see her again, if we do get the chance to talk things through- I’m going to need someone to talk to who understands. I don’t have many friends here. I don’t have many friends at all. But I knew you’d listen. And I knew you’d get it.”

Aubrey took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. “Beca, look. I’m only going to say this once because I don’t want to… I don’t want to bring up anything you’re not ready for/ I know feelings were never your forte, but you need to know this. Chloe loves you. She always has. And I know, in my heart of hearts, that she’ll come back to you.”

Beca couldn’t say anything. She sat in stony silence and let Aubrey’s words wash over her.

“I always knew it would be you.”

“What do you mean?” Beca asked.

“I always knew you’d be the one to find her. I just… Call it instinct. I just had an idea that- if she was going to be drawn to anyone, if anyone could change her or pull her back in- it would be you.”

Beca sighed. “Well, here’s hoping I don’t fuck it up.”

The laugh that came from Aubrey Posen was unexpected. “Sorry” she said as she calmed down. “I just… I know circumstances are different, but you really haven’t changed. And I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Like, genuinely. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reach out.”

“Beca, don’t worry about it. Just.. don’t be a stranger. We’re Bellas. Sisters for life.”

“I swear, if you make me count down and sing an A flat, I’m going to scream.”

Aubrey chuckled. “I hate how much I’ve missed you. Anyway, call me as soon as you hear more from her, OK?”

“I will.”

“Beca?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For calling me. I… I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye and I know that Chloe was kind of the glue that kept us together but I care about you. You’re not alone in this, OK? It’s going to be hard, there’s probably going to be a lot of things said that you don’t want to know and I know it’s going to be hard to understand and forgive her but I’m here for you. Don’t shut me out. I… I’m in the same position as you. Just… when you see her, make sure she knows that we don’t care how long it’s been. She’s our Chloe and we love her. My biggest question right now is just ‘why’. Any answers you can get would really help me understand, Beca.”

“I know. I… I’ll do my best.”

“Should we tell the others?” Beca was slightly surprised that it was Aubrey asking her that question.

“Not yet, I don’t think. Maybe we need to figure out exactly what happened before we throw her in with the sharks.”

Aubrey laughed. “Good analogy. OK. Well, I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I trust you, Beca.”

“I’ll try not to fuck it up.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”


	12. Beautiful Boy

“Well, hello there. It’s so nice to see you again. And this must be Lennon. Welcome to the Summer Social, Lennon! Oh, what a lovely smile. I can tell you’re going to have a great day.”

Miss Hayes was crouched down, smiling at Lennon as he sat in his stroller, his chubby fingers clasped firmly around Mickey Mouse’s overstretched neck, threads pulled from where he would hold the toy and shake its floppy head back and forth. They had walked through the side gate and onto the expansive space at the back of the school, which was populated with tents, kiosks, balloons and so many kids. And their parents. Beca felt the apprehension rise in her stomach. She’d spent all morning worrying about what this would be like.

“How are you both?” Miss Hayes rose up until she was standing again.

Beca smiled at the teacher. “Yeah, we’re good thanks. This, ah, this place looks amazing, by the way. It isn’t like I imagined.”

Miss Hayes smiled and reached out to touch Beca’s forearm. She tried her best not to flinch. “The Summer Social is one of my favourite days of the entire year. I hope you enjoy it. I’m so glad you both came. There are plenty of other parents around, too, and they’re a friendly bunch.”

Beca looked around, checking the teacher was out of earshot before she got onto her son’s level. Holding onto the strap keeping him safely in his seat, she tried her best to get his attention.

“OK bud. Here’s the deal. We’re here for you. I’ll follow whatever you want. Screaming is the safe word, alright? If you scream, that’s the signal and I’ll get us both out of here.” She unbuckled the first part of his complicated harness. “So, what are you thinking? There’s a music tent over there. Or maybe the sensory station is more your speed this morning.” Lennon lurched forward as soon as he was free to move. Beca put her arms around her son and lifted, somehow managing to stand up and hold him on her hip without losing her balance. “OK, dude. Music” she signed quickly with one hand, “or lights?”

Lennon leaned his head back a little and groaned. Beca couldn’t help but let a smug grin wash over her face. This was definitely her genes showing themselves. She patted his back and pulled him in closer, whispering in his ear. “I know it’s new, buddy. I know. But we’ve both got to make an effort.” She watched as he lifted one hand, vaguely pointing in the direction of the music therapy tent. “Alright. Decision made. Now, are you going to walk?”

Beca set Lennon down, taking his hand in hers, and let him lead her towards the tent. Even from here, her musically sensitive ears were uncomfortable with the mix of sounds. Knowing what might come next, she quickly checked the bag for ear defenders.

“OK. Music therapy. Here we go.”

Once they were inside the tent, Beca smiled at some of the other parents. Everyone was sat in a large circle, colourful benches arranged with enough space for wheelchairs and strollers. A bearded guy was sat in the centre singing nursery rhymes and accompanying himself on the acoustic guitar. Every spot in the circle had an instrument so the kids could join in. Lennon pulled her to one of the empty spots, picking up a ‘my first xylophone’. “Trust you to go for the colourful one” she said quietly, before pulling him into her lap. With one hand balancing the instrument on her knee, she held her hand over Lennon’s and showed him how to play along.

“Sorry, I don’t think I know you. Are you a new parent?”

Beca turned her head, arms still holding Lennon close, to see who was speaking. A woman only a few years older than herself smiled sweetly. “Hi. I’m Natalie. I’m Wyatt’s mom.” She pointed to a little boy who was shaking a maraca happily along to the song. “He’s just about to start first grade. What about this guy?”

Beca pushed Lennon’s waves back off his face. “This is Lennon. We just moved here. He’s only four so we’re super lucky that we’ve got a place for preschool.”

“Wyatt started here when he was four, too. The teachers here are amazing. I mean, Wyatt’s just learned so much. And so have we.” A loud crash caused both women to look up. Natalie was on her feet before Beca had even realised what was happening, rushing over to the box of musical instruments her son had loudly tipped over. “Sorry. I’ll just…”

Beca waved a hand of ‘no worries’ as she watched Wyatt applauding himself from the middle of the pile of instruments. Turning back to Lennon she smiled and leaned in close, kissing the side of his head. “Maybe stay away from Wyatt, bud. I don’t want you learning any new tricks.”

The musician in the centre of the tent plucked out a few basic chords before smiling at the audience in the circle. “OK. I think we might have a few fans of this one. Sing along if you know the words.” Beca tried not to groan out loud as he began. She had a feeling the YouTube requests for annoying songs would be coming thick and fast after this. In her mind, she tried to think of a way she could hide the iPad. And the CD player. Was Lennon too young to understand a power outage?

_“If you’re happy, happy, happy, make a sound. If you’re happy, happy, happy, make a sound.”_

Lennon squealed at the way everyone played their instruments. Beca helped him tap along on the xylophone, wondering why on earth he couldn’t have just selected something easy to play. As the song finished, he turned to her with a smile on his face. Beca relaxed. This was right for him. He was the happiest he’d been anywhere outside of their home since they’d moved. She grinned back. “Is this fun, bud?”

The next tune began. As Lennon was looking at her, she joined in with the lyrics, occasionally tapping out a note on the xylophone, but only when it fitted the chords. (It was impossible to stop being a music nerd after this long).

“Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow…” Beca hated that she knew all the words to this song. Still, musically speaking, she appreciated the syncopation and the use of blues chord progressions which separated the song from the typical nursery rhyme selection. She found herself tapping her foot, rocking Lennon from side to side, the xylophone all but forgotten. Leaning close, she began to sing along in a quiet harmony. She was so lost in the moment that she didn’t notice anyone taking Natalie’s seat. Until a second voice started singing the same line.

Beca would know that voice anywhere. Turning her head, her eyes widened, arms tightening protectively around her son.

“What are you…”

Chloe smiled. Beca hated that, even now, it relaxed her. She hated even more that Chloe carried on singing. “Back to my home, I dare not go. For if I do, my mother will say… did you ever see a llama…”

Everyone else sang ‘goat’. Chloe cringed and Beca tilted her head back in silent laughter. The unexpected movement and vibration of her body clearly upset Lennon. He turned in her arms, reaching up to try and close her mouth.

“Sorry, dude” Beca blinked, before looking into Chloe’s eyes, her own personal brand of a term of endearment slipping out without second thought. She spoke quietly, not wanting to disturb everyone else listening to the musician. “Sorry. That really tickled me for some reason. Isn’t it just absurd that I know the lyrics to that song enough to know that ‘goat’ comes before ‘llama’?”.

Chloe nodded, suddenly appearing shy. “Sorry. I… I noticed you over here and I wanted to say hi. I didn’t want to distract you, but clearly I have. I… I just wanted to…”

“Chlo.” The nickname rolled off Beca’s tongue far too easily. She paused, taking in the face of her former best friend, trying not to think too hard about the fact she was _right there._ She smiled encouragingly. “Hi.”

“Hi Beca.” Chloe smiled and Beca watched as her blue eyes moved between her and her son. “And hello to you too.”

Beca looked at Lennon, who was watching the interaction between them. Brushing his waves back off his face, she took a breath. “Well, Lennon, this is Chloe. Can you say hi?” She signed the key words as she spoke, something she was sure Chloe noticed. Lennon raised his hand as if he was going to wave, before smacking it down onto Beca’s knee. She winced. “Ouch, bud. No fair. We don’t hit mommy.”

“Are you ok?” Chloe asked, her voice giving away that she was shocked.

Beca shrugged and rubbed her knee quickly. “Yeah, it’s all good. He can’t do much damage at two feet tall. He, ah, he’s giving me the signal that he’s had enough, though. I might have to head out of here with him.” She slowly stood up, taking his hand in hers. “I’ll probably just put him in his stroller and find somewhere quiet for a moment. You… you’re welcome to join us? If you like?”

Beca watched as Chloe paused, clearly thinking it over. She nodded her agreement and Beca felt a wave of relief rush through her body as the redhead followed her out of the tent and back into the school’s quad. She quickly located the stroller and sat Lennon down, attaching the straps before releasing the brake.

“So” she said, not quite sure of what to say now she and Chloe were alone.

“So” Chloe echoed. Turning, she looked at Beca, eyes meeting hers with a sincerity she hadn’t been anticipating. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I… I got in my own head about it and panicked.” Beca watched as Chloe’s shoulders lowered. Clearly, she had been carrying around that worry for a while.

Beca smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I mean, I wasn’t sure what was holding you up but we’re here now. It doesn’t matter anymore.” She smiled softly, still not quite believing that her oldest best friend was by her side. “We’re here now.”

“We are.” Chloe took a deep breath, lifting herself onto the balls of her feet and tapping her fingers on her legs. “So, do you want to take a walk?”

Beca looked down to check on Lennon. He was definitely more relaxed now, but she knew it was probably a good idea to give him some time to chill out. She reached into her bag and found his headphones. Bending down, she put them over his ears, once again brushing his unruly hair out of his eyes. She found the small pot of grapes she had packed for him, put one in his mouth and one in his hand. When she stood up, she handed the pot to Chloe.

“Sorry, can you hold this for a second? Everything is falling out of my bag.” Chloe nodded and watched as Beca pulled the bag off her shoulder and hung it on the back of the stroller. She put her hands on the handles and turned back to Chloe. “I still don’t ever seem to remember that I don’t have enough hands for this. Can you, uh, can you hold onto the grapes? He knows to ask if he wants another one. I can’t give him the pot. He’ll just throw it.”

Chloe nodded and Beca began to push the stroller away from where most of the people were gathered.

“I’ve spent the best part of four years planning what I’d say to you and now I can’t find any words” Chloe said bashfully after a moment’s thoughtful silence.

“I feel you” Beca nodded. “It’s OK, though. We can just… walk.”

The quiet felt strangely comfortable. Beca took the time just to get used to being close to Chloe again. The idea that she was walking so close to her was enough to overwhelm her completely if she let it. Glancing to the side, she noticed how Chloe was spending the time observing Lennon. She couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking.

“Can I ask why you’re here?”

Chloe looked at her. “Here as in Atlanta?”

Beca shook her head. “No. Why you’re here.” She gestured around her. “At the school, I mean.”

Chloe nodded and looked down at Lennon, handing him another grape. “Katherine. Miss Hayes. She invited me. I… I have a contract with the school to deliver animal therapy. Well, not me personally, but my company.” Beca couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. She didn’t interrupt. “She thought it might be nice for me to come and see some of the kids. And obviously there’s always a fundraising element to these things, so I’m probably also expected to make a donation towards the new play equipment they’re trying to get.” She looked down at her feet before making eye contact with Beca once more. “Sorry. That was far more information than you wanted.”

Beca shrugged. She was just grateful to get to hear Chloe’s voice. The more she spoke, the more she could get her head around the idea that this was really happening. That, somehow, they’d found themselves walking side by side around her son’s new school with him happily eating grapes in a stroller in front of them. As she continued to push the stroller, they fell back into silence. She could see Chloe looking between them. Watching Lennon, probably with a million questions running though her head. As the redhead opened her mouth to speak once more, Beca braced herself.

“He’s beautiful, Beca. Truly.”

Beca felt relief rush over her. She smiled. Genuinely smiled. “Thanks.”

“He looks so much like you.”

“Poor kid.” Beca quipped. “Special needs and my face. I wonder what crime he committed in his past life.” The joke was in poor taste and she’d taken it too far too soon. She knew as soon as she’d said it that Chloe would read into it. She knew her too well. She would recognise the tone Beca used; it was the same tone she had hidden behind in her freshman year. Before Chloe had singlehandedly barrelled through her defences and revealed her to be a real person with actual, valid feelings.

“Don’t…” she began. Beca quirked an eyebrow, unsure of what she was going to say. “Don’t do that to yourself. Or him. You’re both beautiful. And wonderful. And special.”

Beca felt her body closing in, muscles tightening, as the air became thick. She glanced at Chloe, trying to read the expression on her face. It looked like regret. She rubbed her temple and looked down at the ground. “Sorry. It was a stupid joke. I… I still do that. Make stupid jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

Chloe stopped in her tracks. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Beca shrugged, hand nervously moving up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her mouth had gone dry. “It just… it’s a lot. Seeing you again, I mean.”

“I know how you feel.”

Chloe looked around, watching the other children and parents milling around the tents and kiosks.Lennon’s attention was being drawn back to them now he had calmed down, one hand reaching out from the stroller, pointing towards where the larger groups of people were stood. “I don’t want to pull your attention away from being here. This… you weren’t here for me. You’re here as a parent and I…” she looked down at her feet. Beca waited. “I’m going to go and talk to Katherine. I’ll leave you to have your day.”

Beca shook her head, confused as her eyes instantly filled with tears. “Don’t do this again.”

“I know we need to talk. But not here. Not now.” Chloe’s face gave away her concern as she locked eyes with Beca, clearly noticing her emotions threatening to spill over. “If I call you later, would that be OK?”

Beca shrugged, reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone. “What’s your number?”

Chloe quickly recited her phone number. Beca took a deep breath, looked down at her phone and typed. Chloe jumped when her own phone vibrated in her pocket.

“That’s my address. Come by at 7.30. He’ll be in bed and we can talk.”

Chloe nodded solemnly. As she walked away, Beca let out a long breath.

“Shit.”


	13. You Are Here

Beca tried her best to focus on the rest of the afternoon. She and Lennon explored the ball pit, watched some other kids doing finger painting (from experience, Beca knew the paint would end up everywhere other than on the paper and so they stood back and observed) and ended up in the sensory tent. Beca sat close by as Lennon enjoyed the bubbles and lights on display, pulling some crackers from her bag and handing him one at a time. It was nice to have a moment of quiet to think. To breathe. The day had been anxiety-inducing anyway; this was Lennon’s first time even seeing his new school and he was having to cope with a huge amount of noise and loads of people. Bumping into Chloe hadn’t been part of the plan. But then Chloe had never been part of any plan; she’d just been there. Always.

Beca shook her head. She needed to compartmentalise. Chloe was right; this day was about her and Lennon becoming familiar with the school and enjoying meeting new people. Everything else could wait.

“Jodie, no…”

Beca watched as a little girl confidently reached into the pot she was holding, taking a couple of crackers and pushing them into her mouth.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Mortified, actually. Jodie, that’s rude. We don’t just take food like that.”

Beca smiled at the man who had come to sit next to her as he wiped his daughter’s hands and face with her t-shirt. “Sorry” he said again.

“It’s fine. It happens. Do… does she want to share? I’ve got plenty. They’re gluten free, by the way. In case that’s a…”

“Sure. If that’s alright?” The man smiled and Beca opened the pot once more. Jodie’s eyes lit up. Beca handed one cracker to Lennon and one to her.

“What do you say?” The man prompted his daughter.

The little girl tapped her chin with her fingers. Beca smiled. “You’re welcome.”

“Thanks. I’m Jeremy, by the way.”

“Beca. And this is Lennon.” She watched on as the half-eaten cracker in his hand got smushed against the light tube he was walking around. “Clearly he’s already making his mark. He hasn’t even had his first day yet.”

Jeremy laughed. “Don’t worry about it. Jodie stole a toy duck from the daycare room on our first visit. And blocked the toilet with it before we left.”

“Amazing.”

“She certainly thought so. She didn’t stop laughing all night. Knew exactly what she’d done. And how humiliating it was for us. Little turkey.”

Beca smiled, brushing her hair off her face. “Lennon’s more of a vandal than a thief.” She watched Jodie approach her son, hands out. Lennon seemed to turn his head, watching her in the periphery, before pushing her back onto the soft, cushioned floor. “And apparently there’s some assault and battery thrown in there, too. Sorry. We’re still working on personal space.”

“It’s fine.” Jeremy reached forward to stand Jodie back up, rearranging her t-shirt. She bounded straight back over to Lennon, watching him closely. “It’s all part of the adventure. Anyway, I think these two might just be each other’s perfect partner in crime.”

“Speaking of adventure,” Beca clocked how Lennon was standing, the expression on his face, “I think we might need to go exploring and find a bathroom.”

Jeremy nodded and, as Beca scooped Lennon into her arms, turned Jodie around to face them. “Say goodbye to Clyde, Bonnie” he said, winking at Beca as Jodie waved. “Say, ‘I’ll see you for more trouble when school starts’.”

Beca rolled her eyes, but waved back. “Bye, sweetie.” She turned to Jeremy and smiled. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

Beca left the tent, Lennon in her arms, and quickly walked towards the school building. Someone had helpfully put arrows on the walls directing her to the bathroom. They found an empty stall and slipped inside. Beca quickly stripped Lennon’s lower half and hovered him over the toilet. Looking down, she grimaced as she realised she was too late.

“Should’ve gone with my gut and put you in a pull up” she muttered. “Too late now.”

Lennon’s eyes twinkled as he watched her, clapping his hands.

  
“Yeah, you give yourself a round of applause. Well done for peeing yourself…” she looked down and realised there was definitely a wet patch on her top from where she’d held him. “Bud, you got it on me.” Sighing, Beca cleaned everything down and changed Lennon’s clothes, thanking her lucky stars she’d remembered to pack spares. “OK, I think we get the stroller and go home. I don’t think I can do anymore socialising while I have pee on me. I don’t want the other parents thinking I’m the smelly girl.”

They made a fairly painless escape. Beca waved goodbye to Miss Hayes, but she was caught up with another parent so couldn’t come over and say anything. It was clear when they got in the car that Lennon was exhausted; it had been a lot of activity in one burst. She kept the music fairly loud in the car, hoping to stave off a danger nap. By the time they got home, he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Food. Bath. Bed. Chloe.” Beca whispered her list to herself, trying to keep focused. Her priority was to get Lennon asleep in his own bed by 7.30. Or 7.15 so that she could begin mentally preparing for the conversation she was expecting to have.

Dinner for Lennon ended up being a few mouthfuls of mashed sweet potato, whichever pieces of veggie sausage weren’t launched across the kitchen and half a training cup of a smoothie from a recipe Sheila had sent her to try. There ended up being more food _on_ Lennon than _in_ Lennon, and Beca was certain there was a clump of sweet potato in her hair. “OK, bud. Let’s take a bath.”

It wasn’t often Beca bathed with Lennon anymore. He was bigger now and liked to splash. It was easier for her to just wash him and then take a shower on her own. But they both needed to get clean and time wasn’t on her side.

“Dude, if you pee in here I won’t be happy” she said, stepping into the mild water and pulling her son up and over the side of the bath to join her. “I mean it.”

Lennon giggled and splashed, causing water to hit the tiles on the wall. Beca grimaced. “See? This is why I don’t do this with you. You need supervision. Now come here. I’ve got to wash your face.” Lennon pulled himself up, crawling over her legs until he could grab her cheeks. “Yes, hello. I know it’s weird that Mommy’s in the bath with you, but we’re on a schedule. Now, Lennon is sitting please” she signed, “time to get clean.”

After one final wrestle to brush his teeth, Beca managed to get Lennon into pyjamas and- finally- into bed. As she put the baby gate up in the doorway and clicked it shut, she checked the time. 7.20. She went into her own room and changed her robe for some sweatpants, a sports bra and an old band t-shirt. Chloe had seen her in her sweats more times than anyone else; she wouldn’t care.

Part of Beca had wanted to call Aubrey. To tell her what had happened. To ask her advice. But she knew she would have more to tell her afterwards. Maybe, she hoped, she might even be able to answer some of her questions.

Beca took a deep breath as she walked into the living room, trying her best to push the mess into various corners out of view to give the impression that, at some point in the last five years, she had gotten her shit together.Tidying gave her a focus. Something to keep her hands busy. Something to stop her from panicking about the fact that she had, on a whim, invited _Chloe Beale_ into her home after so many years apart. So many years of wondering and worrying and life-changing events that they definitely needed to catch up on and…

The doorbell rang.

Beca took a breath and walked purposefully towards the door, pulling it open before she could second guess herself.

“Hi.”

A bunch of yellow flowers was the first thing she noticed.

_Of course she brought flowers. And of course she picked sunflowers._

“Hi. These are for you.”

“Thank you.” Beca took the bouquet and gestured into hallway. “Come in.”

Beca led the way to the kitchen, carefully putting the flowers into the only vase she owned. “Thanks for these. It… you didn’t have to.” She paused, tucking her hair behind her ear before gathering the strength to look across the granite-topped island at Chloe. She looked different somehow, but Beca couldn’t place it. Her hair was slightly lighter, she thought. Her makeup was subtle. But there was something else.

“Can I get you a drink?”

Chloe smiled. “Just water, thanks.” Beca pulled out two glasses and filled them. She felt Chloe’s eyes on her the whole time. “I can’t believe I’m in your house.” Chloe gratefully took the glass Beca offered and took a sip. “It’s lovely, by the way.”

Beca shrugged. “It’s not exactly my style but the studio didn’t have a lot of time and… it works for us.” She paused, entirely out of her depth. “Do… do you want to sit in the living room? It’s more comfortable.”

Chloe gasped as Beca led her into the large living room at the back of the house.

“What?” Beca asked, slightly panicked by the unexpected reaction.

Chloe raced over to the couch, putting her glass on a coaster on her way. Crouching down, she stroked a hand over Jett’s black fur. “You have cats? I would never have pegged you as a cat person.”

Beca shrugged and moved to sit on the couch opposite. “It’s a funny story. I found them in a box when I was in LA. I… I couldn’t leave them. And now they’re part of the mad house.”

Chloe turned to face Beca and sat down. “I wouldn’t have been able to let them go either. What are their names?”

“Stevie is the grey one in the corner. And that little lady is Jett.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and smiled. “Stevie, Jett and Lennon? Beca Mitchell, you’re a walking caricature.”

“I… I’m offended” Beca quipped, suddenly finding it easier to make jokes. “Anyway, they needed badass names. All of them.” She took a drink from her own glass of water before setting it down. “Do you have pets?”

Chloe shook her head. “No. I can’t have pets in my apartment, which is probably a good thing because otherwise I’d have adopted every stray I’ve ever worked on.” Beca smiled knowingly. “Mom and Dad still keep horses, though. And I help exercise the horses we use at Arbor West when they need me to.”

Beca smiled. She’d forgotten about Chloe’s love of horses. It had surprised her, at first, that someone so delicate and small would be so comfortable with such huge animals. But she was patient and calm. It didn’t take long before Beca could see how any creature- big or small- would fall under her spell and end up eating from her open palm, completely tamed. After all, it had happened to her.

“Bec?”

Chloe was staring at her. Her mind had wandered.

“Sorry. I was just…”

Chloe nodded. “I get it. No need to explain. It’s a lot. Being here again. I’ve got so many questions and I know you have too. I don’t really know where to start.”

Beca sighed, picking at a loose thread on her sweatpants. “I told Aubrey I’d seen you.”

Chloe blinked.

“I… I called her. Just because I needed to talk to someone who knew you.”

“What did she say?”

Beca smiled softly, sensing Chloe’s discomfort. “She wanted to know the same things as me. She just wanted to know you were safe.” Chloe closed her eyes, breathing gently. “I asked her what I should say and she said- because she’s always been smarter than me-that you’d probably have questions about seeing me with a kid. Because you didn’t know. You… I never got to tell you. And she said that maybe the reason you hadn’t called was because you needed to process seeing me with him. And what that meant.”

Chloe slowly opened her eyes, looking directly at Beca. “She’s right. I… it surprised me, that’s all.”

“Imagine how I felt” Beca said, hoping to raise a smile. She cleared her throat. “Do… is there anything you want to know? I’ll tell you anything.”

Chloe paused, fingers tapping against her leg. It was a nervous habit Beca recognised from the Bellas days, where her fingers would dance up and down her thighs on the bus to every venue they performed in. “How old his he?”

Beca felt her breath catch in her throat. She wasn’t expecting that question. “He’s four. His birthday is in May.”

“OK.” Beca watched as Chloe nodded slowly, fingers still tapping. She wasn’t sure what Chloe was thinking, or what kind of information she was angling for. She slowly looked up. “Are you happy?”

Beca exhaled. “Yes.” She watched Chloe’s expression as she processed. “I never expected to be a parent, especially not a parent to a kid like Lennon, but I love him more than I knew was possible. It’s lonely and stressful and balancing work is hard but, yes, I’m happy.”

“Good.” Beca tried to read Chloe’s tone but it was impossible. Instead, she waited, leaving enough silence for the redhead to get the hint that it was her turn to fill it. “You look happy. That was what I thought when I saw you today. How happy you are. How… it suits you. Being Lennon’s mom.”

“Well, that’s good because I think it’s too late to send him back.” Beca smiled as Chloe visibly relaxed. “What about you? Aubrey would kill me if I didn’t ask you the same thing. Are you happy?”

“Yes.” The answer came too quickly. With too much certainty. Beca chose to ignore it. For now. “I’m happy to see you.”

Beca smiled, watching how Chloe scratched Jett’s ears exactly the way she liked. “Me too. It’s still weird to see you sat on my couch, though. Like, it’s been five years, Chloe.” Chloe looked up. Beca felt her body shift into a higher gear. Her thoughts began to pour from her mouth without any control. “Five years, man. That’s a long time. So much has changed. And I… I guess I’d like to figure out how we start again. Where we go from here? You were my best friend for so long and I know I was on the other side of the country and I know I flaked out, but then suddenly you just… weren’t there.” She let out a long, deep breath. “Sorry. I… I guess I was holding that back. I needed to be brave and say it because… well, because I missed you. And I was kind of lost without you.”

“I know. I missed you too. But I needed space and time to work out how to be me when I wasn’t a Bella anymore.”

Beca nodded solemnly. She knew all too well how hard it had been for Chloe to walk away from Barden. There was a reason it had taken her seven years to graduate. And it wasn’t just because she couldn’t explain Dostoyevsky’s existentialist perspective on the human psyche. Moving on had always been hard for Chloe to process.

“I didn’t want to be a burden.”

Beca turned her head to stare directly at Chloe. “A… a burden?”

Chloe shrugged. “I was holding you all back. I… I knew it when you moved away. A little space from me, less of me needing your attention or distracting you with things that don’t matter and suddenly you were flying.”

“Chloe…”

Chloe shook her head. “It’s true, though.”

“No, Chlo. It wasn’t like that. God, if anything it’s the opposite. You were the one who convinced me I could be that person, that I could follow my dreams. I mean, man, you even got me into the Bellas in the first place. Without you, I’d be nobody. I’d be miserable. I… I wouldn’t be me. When I moved away, I missed you every day. I thought about you all the time. And I threw myself into work because my entire life was back in New York. With you. I didn’t have anything else to do.”

Beca paused, watching Chloe’s face once more. She hadn’t been able to see it before, not really. But now, as she really looked at her, it was obvious.

It was in her eyes. There was a pain there that hadn’t been there before. She was hurting.

“I…”

“Mama!” There was a crash upstairs. Beca jumped up, recognising the sound of her son trying to pull the baby gate off his door.

“Sorry. I… I’ll just…”

Chloe rose to her feet. “OK. I can… ” They stopped, facing one another in the doorway. “Can I just ask you one more thing? You don’t have to answer right now. I’d just like to know.” Chloe asked, eyes searching Beca’s face, trembling hands giving away her vulnerability.

Beca licked her lips, noticing how dry her mouth was. “Of course.”

“Chicago.” Beca swallowed, not sure she was ready for whatever was going to come next. “When… when you saw me with him, you didn’t stop me. You… you watched. I know you were there.” There was a wobble to Chloe’s voice now. “Did you know?”

Beca knew her eyes were uncomfortably wide. She could feel her muscles twitching as tears formed. She shook her head earnestly.

Another crash from upstairs.

“Mama! Nnnn ah-aaaa!”

“Chloe, I… I need to…”

Chloe nodded. Beca reached out and touched her arm, looking into her eyes. The redhead sighed. “He wasn’t who I thought he was.”

Beca released Chloe’s arm, brushing past her as she moved to climb the stairs. She quickly unlocked the baby gate, picked Lennon up and put him back into bed. She flicked the projector on, almost on autopilot, and pressed Mickey into the crook of his arm. She kissed his head, carefully brushing his waves off his face, and silently left the room.

Walking down the stairs, her mind played Chloe’s final words over and over.

_He wasn’t who I thought he was._

She could hear the hurt in her voice. It was almost palpable. It made her feel sick.

As she turned to walk back into the living room, she heard it.

A click. Footsteps. The revving of a car engine.

Chloe was gone.


	14. Look At Me

_“He wasn’t who I thought he was.”_

Beca tapped her pen against her desk, staring at the screen. It had been a long, restless night. The pain in Chloe’s eyes, the way she had said those words, had plagued her. She had tried to focus on work, tried to get through the ever-growing mountain of emails in her inbox, but she couldn’t focus.

Blowing out a mouthful of hair, she gave in. Her iPhone unlocked with the press of her thumb and she opened facebook. She knew Chloe wasn’t on there, but maybe he was. Taking a deep breath, she typed his name.

_Chicago Walp._

Beca had never had particularly strong feelings about the guy. When they’d met, he had seemed nice enough. She knew Chloe was into him and so she’d given them space. She’d made jokes, of course she had, but it was never anything personal. There was no character assassination, no tearing him apart. She had said nothing more controversial than a couple of jokes about how his stupid surname sounded like a sound effect from a comic book.

Chloe had asked her if she’d known. Known what?

She wished more than anything that Lennon hadn’t woken up at that moment.

She wished she could have had more information to go on. She wished she knew what Chloe had been talking about.

She wished she had stayed.

Now, instead, she was left with a thousand different theories, each one worse than the last.

Chicago didn’t appear to have much of a presence online either. He had an old account, but the photos and posts only went up to his college graduation.

_Arbor West Special Needs Academy- Community Fundraising._

The suggestion was the first thing Beca saw as she got back onto her feed. Of course it was; everyone was certain at this point that iPhones were at least as sentient as some breeds of primate. Hers was obviously reading her mind. Or at least reading her email.

_Getting the new stables into tip-top condition ready for our two new four-legged arrivals! Hippotherapy will be expanded to include Pre-K through 5th grade this fall!_

She spotted the ginger curls almost as soon as the photograph loaded. The picture had a location. A quick search told her it was only a few miles away from the school; only a few miles away from where she was currently sat. In a split second, she was on her feet, calling out to her assistant producer.

“JJ, I’ve got something to do. Make sure Mimi isn’t left in the studio alone, alright?”

JJ didn’t have a chance to respond before Beca was out the door.

_He wasn’t who I thought he was._ Chloe’s words hadn’t stopped echoing in Beca’s mind. It was too cryptic to understand without any more information, and too big of a statement to just brush off. Clearly, something had happened between Chicago and Chloe. Clearly, Chloe was trying to tell her in her own way. Which led Beca to assume that whatever she had to say was big.

Beca pulled the car into the entrance for the stables, parking behind a large truck and hopping out of the driver’s seat. A few people were walking around the yard, pushing wheelbarrows or carrying bales of hay. It only took a few steps into the open for her to be noticed. She looked out of place with her sunglasses perched on her dark hair, her three silver necklaces glinting against her white tee in the Georgia summer sun.

“Beca, wha…”

Chloe walked with purpose, blue eyes staring straight ahead.

“What did you mean when you said he wasn’t who you thought he was?” Beca couldn’t help it. There couldn’t be any greeting, any pleasantries; her mind was too full of questions.

Chloe’s feet stopped moving closer. She pulled her body upright, taking a deep breath, before looking into Beca’s eyes.

There was something there, just as there had been last night.

Beca was becoming certain it was fear.

Chloe blinked. “How did you know I was here?” Her voice was gravelly and dry.Beca licked her own lips almost in sympathy.

“I… I saw on Facebook that you guys were out here. I, uh, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said and I had to find you so we could talk and…”

“No.”

The harshness of Chloe’s tone pulled the breath from Beca’s lungs. Her eyes were darker now; Beca had to look away. Her heart began to pulse louder and louder, the noise ringing in her ears the only sound she could hear as Chloe stood before her in stony silence.

_One._

_Two._

“Don’t do that.” Beca took a breath as Chloe finally spoke. “If you want to know where I am, ask me. Ask permission to see me.” Chloe’s arms were folded in front of her chest when Beca rose her gaze to look at her friend, her fingers pressing into the skin. “You don’t get to do this.”

Beca nodded slowly. “OK. I just… I wanted to see you. Needed to.”

Chloe shuffled her feet, uncrossing her arms and swinging them by her side. Beca wanted to copy her, to move in any way that would release the wave of anxiety suddenly flooding her veins. Chloe shook her hands.

“You don’t get to do this. You…. You can’t just show up. There are boundaries, Beca.”

Beca scoffed. “Says the girl who walked into my shower and asked for a duet.” The look she was shot almost burned.She nodded. “Sorry. Inappropriate.” After a beat, she spoke again. “I’m sure you’ve probably noticed I still use humour as a defence mechanism. Sorry.”

“You can’t stand here and apologise for saying that when you still haven’t apologised for turning up unannounced at my workplace.” Her fingers drummed against her chest, arm bent at the elbow. She stared downwards. “I need you to leave, please.”

There was nothing to say. Beca nodded slowly and walked back to the car. Every step felt heavy. Each breath weighed her down. Her own anxiety bubbled within her, but it was nothing compared to her concern for Chloe. Light, bubbly, bright Chloe, the life of the party, the most energetic and engaging person in any room, was gone. The Chloe she’d just seen, the Chloe she could see watching her in her rearview mirror as she pulled back out of the yard and onto the road, was fragile. And Beca was worried she’d just broken her. Broken her trust; broken her spirit.

Beca knew she’d crossed a line. Turning up had been a stupid idea. She was angry at herself for not having enough impulse control to just _think_ before she acted. She was annoyed that she still didn’t have the answers she was looking for. And she was scared. Scared because Chloe could run again; she could run and Beca wouldn’t know until it was too late.

Like last time.

_“I’m sorry.”_ It was all she could really say. Beca sat in the car on her driveway, not quite ready to get out, and typed the two words into her phone. Leaning back into her seat, she looked upwards,trying to calm her pulse. With a resolute sigh, she glanced back down at the screen and pressed ‘send’.

“You’re home early” Pip said as Beca walked into the house, dropping her bag as usual and kicking off her boots. “Everything OK?”

Beca shrugged. “I… I need to make a phone call.. I’ll be down in, like, half an hour.” She didn’t wait for Pip’s agreement, knowing she had a finite amount of time before the thoughts in her head turned to mush. By the time she reached her bedroom door, her phone was already pressed to her ear.

“Aubrey Posen.”

“Hey.”

“Beca? Oh my God. I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

Beca decided to keep things light. “Calm down, Posen. I can see that toner through your jeans.”

She smiled as she heard Aubrey stifle a giggle. “Shut up. Anyway, how are things?”

Beca threw herself down onto her bed. “Well, remember when I said I’d try not to fuck it up?”

“Beca.”

She sighed, the brief moment of positive energy having disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. “I think… no, I know I kind of did. I’m so sorry, Aubrey. I wasn’t thinking and I overstepped and she was so angry and she had this look in her eyes and I’ve never made her angry like that before. Or well, maybe it wasn’t anger. Disappointment? I don’t even know. I just… what do I do?”

“Well first off, you calm down. I know it feels like it’s a lot, but there doesn’t need to be this kind of pressure. We’re not in a high-stakes debate, Mitchell. It’s just Chloe.”

Beca sighed. She knew- and she knew Aubrey did, too- that there was no such thing as _just_ Chloe Beale. Chloe was the sun. Everyone was pulled in to her orbit. You didn’t even realise you were spinning until you were jolted to a stop. There was no ‘just’ when it came to Chloe Beale.

“What did she say?”

The more Beca explained it, the more it became obvious she’d been out of line. She knew as soon as she reached the part of the story where she turned up unannounced at the stables that Aubrey would echo Chloe’s thoughts. However, it wasn’t that she was out of line per se that was nagging at Beca, it was the way Chloe had reacted. The way she had almost shut herself down. The sad look in her eyes.

“Ok, do you need a Posen pep talk about how to fix this or do you want a distraction so your brain can rest?”

Beca hated how perceptive her old captain was. “Both?”

She could have sworn she heard Aubrey crack her knuckles. This was the kind of shit she lived for. “I’ll go easy on the pep talk because you’re genuinely upset and I’m not quite as uptight as I was when you were in college. But I think you need to find a way to apologise without overstepping any boundaries. Admit you were an ass, show her you respect her and then let her decide what happens next. I think- for both of us- we need to realise that things are different now. Chloe’s different, I’m different, you’re different. We’re in our thirties and we need different things from our friends.”

Beca sighed loudly. “Do you think that’s why she left us? Because she didn’t need us anymore? Because we weren’t the kind of friends she needed anymore?”

There was a moment of silence. A sniffle. A cough. A quick breath in and out.

“I hate to admit when I don’t know things, but I think the only person who can answer that is Chloe.” Aubrey paused again. Beca didn’t rush to fill the silence, her own thoughts racing at a thousand miles per hour.

“Do… do you think it’s worth doing this? Are we both pushing boundaries without…” A heavy sigh rang through the phone’s receiver. “Maybe it would be a good idea to put your cards on the table. Because if she doesn’t want to be friends, if she’s going to push you away because doesn’t want to fix this or… see us ever again…” The sound of a choked-back sob caused Beca to squeeze her eyes closed. Aubrey’s voice was thick with sadness. “You’re going to have to ask, Beca. And ask her to be honest. Because we need to know. Both of us.”

Beca pushed her hair back off her face, blinking back her own tears. She took a deep breath. “I was kind of afraid that’s what you were going to say.” She scratched at her forehead. “I’m so scared to ask because, for the first time since I’ve known her, I’ve got no idea what she’s thinking. I… I used to be able to read her like a book and now? It’s…”

“Time has passed, Beca. I’m sure she’s feeling the same way.”

“Yeah. I…” After a gentle knock, Beca’s bedroom door was pushed open gently. Pip stood back, her own phone held just away from her ear, an apologetic look on her face. “Sorry Aubrey. Can you give me a second?” Beca turned and put on her best smile. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah, sorry, it’s the studio. They need me to come in and cover; I’ve got to go. Do you want him up here?” Pip gestured down to Lennon who had followed her up the stairs.

Beca smiled as Lennon was lifted onto her bed. She turned and thanked Pip, who very quickly left the room.

“So, speaking of time passing” she said, trying to keep her tone light now her son was in the room, “I’ve got a little visitor.”

“Oh, sorry. I… I can go if…”

Beca smiled. “Aubrey, I called you. It’s fine. I just… do you want to video chat and meet him? I mean, I don’t think he’ll sit still but…”

“I’d love nothing more.”

Beca accepted Aubrey’s FaceTime request straight away. Her face came up on the screen and Beca knew she was smiling by the way her cheeks felt. Aubrey hadn’t changed much, not really. Her hair was shorter and, sure, she looked a little older now but the tug of familiarity warmed her heart in a way her freshman-year self would never have anticipated.

“So,” she shuffled over on the bed to get Lennon in the frame, “here he is.” Lennon reached out, holding onto her head and pulling her closer. She smiled and kissed his temple. “OK, bud.” She signed the key words as she spoke, “this is mama’s friend Aubrey. Can Lennon say hello?”

“Hi Lennon.” Aubrey’s voice got his attention. Beca watched him study the image on the phone screen. “Hi, little guy.”

“Mama” Lennon turned to Beca, fingers almost touching the phone. Beca grinned.

“Yes you can see me on the screen. And there’s you. And there’s Aubrey. Say ‘Hi, Aubrey!’”

Lennon paused for a moment and Beca let him process. His hand rose up in front of his face and flapped in a quick wave before he slid himself off the mattress and onto the carpet. Beca looked at her phone and watched Aubrey’s reaction just before a little arm came into view and pulled the discarded Mickey doll off the bed.

“He’s your double.”

Beca tilted her head to the side. “Chloe said the same thing.”

“Co… CoCo…”

Both Aubrey and Beca stopped in their tracks.

“Was that…?”

Beca nodded, a squeak escaping her lips. She sat down on the floor where Lennon was playing.

“Are you trying to say Chloe, bud? Can Lennon say Chloe?”

“Co… Co.”

Aubrey’s hands flew to her mouth. Beca knew she was welling up. Lennon crawled into her lap, holding Mickey by the neck. She leaned into him and kissed his hair, breathing in his scent. “I love you, my clever boy.”

“Well” Aubrey spoke after clearing her throat, “if that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.”


	15. Nobody Told Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite a trigger warning, more of a heads up:
> 
> As some of you have realised, Chloe's journey back to Beca has not been a happy one. Although I have tried to keep things lighter, I also wanted it to be realistic. This chapter includes accounts of emotional abuse in the form of gaslighting.

Saturday mornings had been sacred when Beca was younger. She could sleep for hours, her naive, youthful mind completely ignorant of the paucity of these moments. Of time. She would while away half a day just existing.

That felt like a different lifetime.

The baby monitor amplified Lennon’s voice through the darkness of her bedroom. “Nnnnnnnnn”. Beca groaned when she saw the time. In college, she’d probably have only been home a couple of hours from whatever mad party they’d been invited to. Now, she was padding across the hallway, picking up a small child and placing him on the toilet, all while the cats nudged her and asked to be fed.

“OK, let’s get this show on the road” she said, her voice cracking, as she washed hers and Lennon’s hands. “Milk for you, coffee for mama. Strong coffee.”

“Meow.” Jett tilted her head.

“And food for these idiots, I guess. Come on.”

On autopilot, Beca filled a sippy cup with milk, peeled and halved a banana, filled the cats’ bowls and turned on the coffee machine. After four years of practice, she had mastered this part of her day. Handing half the banana and the milk to Lennon, she ate the other half while she loaded one of the Disney kids apps on his iPad and waited to see what he chose.

“CoCo.”

It was getting harder and harder to focus on anything now that Chloe’s name was seemingly Lennon’s favourite word. It wasn’t quite fully-formed, but he had the ‘kuh’ sound and most of the time there was an ‘oh’ that she could make out. Other times, it was more like ‘kuh-kuh’ but Beca knew exactly what he was saying.

“I’m not Chloe, baby. I’m mama.”

“Mama, CoCo.”

Beca rubbed her eyes- trying to focus her gaze before coffee had never been a skill of hers- and looked at the iPad.

Brave.

Merida.

Red hair.

She ruffled a hand through Lennon’s mousy waves. “You are more perceptive than I give you credit for, man.” She paused, biting her lip. “Do I need to stop cursing in front of you?”

“Nnnnnn”.

He was off, back in his own little world with his banana in his fist and his other hand flapping joyously as a tinny song rang out through the iPad speakers.

Beca sighed and checked her phone. There had been nothing from Chloe since she had asked her to leave the stable yard. Complete radio silence. Beca hadn’t wanted to call, not really. She had no idea what she would say and, like Aubrey had advised her, she kept telling herself it was best to leave it to Chloe to decide what happened next. After all, she had taken away her ability to do that by showing up at her workplace, so it was only fair.

In the meantime, real life would carry on regardless. Beca watched Lennon as he focused on the iPad screen. She wasn’t in the habit of letting him sit in front of it for hours at a time (not that his attention span could stretch to that anyway), but since the concept of the weekend was far beyond him, it gave her a little time to chill out.

Beca was halfway through making scrambled eggs and toast for them both when Lennon decided he’d had enough of the iPad. He was strapped into his seat and couldn’t walk over to get her attention. The loud scream accompanied by the sound of a sippy cup hitting the wall was effective enough communication.

“I’m gonna move this before you throw.” Beca put the iPad safely out of reach. Lennon’s little arms reached up. “Alright, let’s break you out of jail.” She unclipped him and pulled him onto her hip. It was becoming harder and harder to hold him up; he was definitely growing. With one hand free, Beca quickly stirred the eggs and turned off the heat. Lennon’s arms were around her neck, banana-coated fingers holding fast to her hair. “It’s a good thing you’re cute, little koala.” She kissed his cheek. He squirmed. She kissed him again. He giggled. Sitting him on the kitchen surface, she held his hands and leaned in to kiss his belly.

A knock at the door made both of them stop. Lennon turned his head to where the sound was coming from. Beca picked him up. “Come on, bud. Let’s go see who it is. Maybe we’ve got a package. Or Pip’s neighbours are having another fight.”

It was 7.30 on a Saturday morning. There was only a finite list of people who could be stood on the other side of the door.

“Hi, Becs. Hi, mister.” Dr Mitchell reached a hand out to ruffle Lennon’s hair, smiling. “I was just coming over to finish off the swing set for you and look who I found.”

A flash of red. Blue eyes. Beca felt her pulse increase.

“Hi. I… I was on my way to the gym and was going to leave this in your mailbox when I saw your dad.” Chloe looked down, fingers tracing the edge of the envelope in her hand, before meeting Beca’s gaze. Beca scrunched her nose, knowing Chloe was probably uncomfortable with the awkwardness of the situation she now found herself in.

“I thought you’d appreciate the surprise.” Dr Mitchell added, completely oblivious to the way his daughter’s eyes were locked with the redhead’s.

“I do.” Beca smiled at them both. “Well, you’re welcome to come in, both of you. We’re just having breakfast so feel free to join us. The coffee’s fresh.”

Dr Mitchell took Lennon from Beca’s arms and walked down the hallway back towards the kitchen. Beca stood back for a moment, until she felt Chloe’s hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry” she whispered, “I didn’t think anyone would be awake. I certainly didn’t expect him to be outside…”

Beca shrugged. “It’s fine. Do… do you want to head off to the gym? I won’t mind. I just…”

Chloe shook her head. “No. I can stay. If that’s what you…”

“Of course. Come on in. I, uh, I should warn you now, though, my cooking hasn’t improved since New York. Like, at all.”

The two girls walked into the kitchen to find Dr Mitchell strapping Lennon back into his seat. Beca poured two fresh cups of coffee and handed one to Chloe and one to her dad before putting some squares of toast and some eggs onto a plate and handing Lennon a toddler fork.

“Firing line is this way” she gestured towards the refrigerator at the other end of the room. “Just… stay out of the splash zone if you know what’s good for you. Are either of you hungry?”

Dr Mitchell and Chloe both shook their heads. Beca shrugged and buttered a slice of toast for herself, watching as Lennon chased his eggs around the plate. With the bread still hanging out of her mouth, she stood behind him, holding his hands in hers and helped him to scoop some food onto his fork before helping him bend his elbow. “Open”. And put it into his mouth. “There you go.” Her voice was muffled as she tried to cling onto the slice of toast scratching against her lip.

“Becs, you sit and eat. I’ll do that” Dr Mitchell said gently. “Don’t let yours get cold.” Beca nodded and sat down, pulling her plate towards her. Both she and Chloe focused on her dad, the whole room silent apart from Dr Mitchell’s gentle encouragement and Lennon’s occasional babbling.

“So,” Dr Mitchell spoke, having finally recognised that there was some tension in the room, “I was thinking that Lennon and I could hang out in the garden and he can help me finish the swing set. And- most importantly- test it out.” Beca wanted to interject with something logical about Lennon and an open tool kit and heavy wooden beams but she kept quiet. Her dad knew all that stuff. And he was offering her a chance to have the morning to herself. “And then I was going to suggest we go and try out the new splash pad at the park.”

Beca smiled, finally understanding why her dad was so keen to babysit for the day. “I’ll take it Sheila’s out of town?”

“Visiting her sister.”

“How long did it take you to get bored in the house on your own?”

Dr Mitchell smiled. Beca noticed Chloe watching their interaction; she couldn’t help but wonder if she was surprised by how well the pair seemed to get on now. “I finished Planet Earth last night. That’s the problem with retirement- it’s a lot of spare time to fill. And box sets can only do so much.” He smiled at Lennon as he helped him eat another mouthful of his breakfast. “Luckily for me, I have an amazing grandson to keep me entertained and a daughter who doesn’t mind sharing him with me every once in a while. Isn’t that right, little man?”

Beca groaned. “Dad, watch his…”

The plate was suctioned to the table, but that didn’t stop Lennon grabbing a handful of eggs and throwing them across the room. He clapped, more food spraying over him.

“All done?” Beca asked him, tongue poking out the side of her mouth. She signed to reiterate her point.

Lennon’s wide grin was enough to answer her question.

“I thought so.” She walked over to get him out of his seat, but Dr Mitchell stopped her with a hand on her forearm.

“I’ll go and get him ready. And I’ll pack us a bag for the splash pad. I’ll leave you girls to catch up.”

Beca turned back once her dad and son had left the room to find Chloe wiping down the tray table. “You don’t have to do that” she said gently, “but thanks.”

Chloe shrugged. “It’s not a problem. Anyway, I… ” she sighed. “The pink envelope is for you.”

Beca slid it across the surface and looked at Chloe. “Do you want me to read it while you’re here?”

Chloe shrugged. “If you want.”

There wasn’t much to read. Beca smiled as her eyes scanned the lines; the rush of _something_ at the sight Chloe’s familiar handwriting making her stomach fizz.

_Do-over? I’ll be at the stables from 10-4. Text me when you’re on your way so I’m not surprised. Feel free to bring Lennon._

_Sorry for the other day._

_Chloe._

Beca put the letter down and smiled. “Well, I think dad has just given me the day off so…” She tapped her fingers on the kitchen surface for a second. “What do I need to wear?”

The glint in Chloe’s eyes lit a dormant spark in Beca’s core. As she walked quickly upstairs and began to rifle through her clean laundry, she took a moment to take a deep breath and register what it was she was feeling.

Nerves.

Apprehension.

Excitement.

“OK, Becs. We’re all clean so we’ll be out in the garden.”

Beca headed back down the stairs. “Hey,” she stopped her dad just before he headed down past the kitchen and through the back door into the garden. “Is it OK if me and Chloe head out for a bit? I… I’ll have my phone on. I just…”

Dr Mitchell smiled softly. “You’ve got a lot to catch up on, I’m sure. And we’ll be fine.”

“Perfect. Do you want to tag-team sunscreen before I go?”

Dr Mitchell shook his head. “I already did the first layer. We’re good.”

Beca’s jaw dropped. “Is this how I find out you’re a wizard? Because if so I’ve got a lot of questions about where my Hogwarts letter went.”

“Not a wizard, just a grandpa.”

Beca shrugged. “I’m not convinced. How are you not covered? Is my bathroom clean?”

Dr Mitchell rolled his eyes. “I won’t reveal my secrets. Anyway, Chloe’s waiting. Go and have fun, please.”

“Thank you.”

Beca stood in the doorway to the kitchen, watching Chloe on her phone. “Ready when you are. Shall I follow you in my car?”

The yard was empty aside from Beca’s and Chloe’s cars. Beca climbed out and walked towards where the redhead was stood waiting for her.

“So.”

“So.” Chloe smiled gently. “I wanted to introduce you to our newest hippotherapy horse. I’m training him at the moment and, well, I think he’ll be perfect for Lennon.” Chloe walked across the yard, Beca just behind her. They reached the edge of the stables and Chloe paused, hand on the gate. “Beca, this is Tiny Tony the Shetland Pony.”

“Oh my God. Look at him. He’s so cute!”

Chloe smiled softly at Beca’s exclamation. “I know, right? I need to get him out into the field for a bit. There’s another pony in there who will be in the same sessions as him and they need to bond. If I lead him across, can you hold the gates open for me?”

“Of course.”

The field wasn’t particularly far away. Beca walked on the other side of Tony, noticing the air of calm Chloe had with him, the way she quietly explained where they were going and what would happen when they got there. They reached the gate and, once Chloe nodded, Beca opened it. Chloe took off the lead rope and coaxed Tony into the grassy area, offering him a mint from her pocket when he followed her instructions.

“Did you really ask me here to meet Tiny Tony? Because I’m not opposed. He’s cute and everything but… ” Beca said quietly, leaning against the fence as Chloe closed the gate behind her, leaving the two horses in the field. She sighed. “I’m sorry about the other day. I was so out of line and I wasn’t thinking and it was selfish and I know I overstepped. I just… I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know I did. So I’m sorry. Genuinely.”

Chloe nodded. “I know. And I’m sorry too. It just… seeing you there when I wasn’t expecting you just threw me and I…” she sighed. Beca turned to face her. Chloe’s eyes seemed to scan over her face for a moment. “I guess I should explain about what I said.”

“Only if you want to.”

“I think I have to, Bec. It just… it’s not easy to explain. It’s been years and it still…” Beca watched her, mind racing as she tried to work out what Chloe was going to say, as she tried to read the expressions on her face.

“Take your time. Just… start at the beginning. Or, well, whenever works for you.”

Chloe couldn’t help but let herself smile at Beca’s bashfulness. Beca noticed. Chloe had been one of only a select number of people who had truly seen her entire personality; since she left, not many others had been given the same privilege.

“It’s about Chicago.” The word- that name- hung over both of them for a moment, a dark, ominous cloud.“We were together for almost two and a half years. Long distance at first and then he got posted to Fort Drum in Jefferson and we got a place together in Syracuse. He was on base most of the time and I was commuting to Ithaca but we made it work. He… he was nice enough and he was funny and sweet and he always got me gifts and paid for dinner and…” Chloe paused. Beca took a breath and tuned to smile at her before looking back out onto the field. “It started with little stuff. Long before we lived together. He picked up on silly things and made a big deal out of it. He didn’t like the way I wore my hair and so I changed it. He commented constantly on how my workouts were making my arms too bulky and so I stopped training. And then he turned it up.” Beca watched Chloe take a long breath in and out. She looked across and it was clear there were tears in her eyes.

Beca’s breath hitched in her throat.

“He got it in my head that I couldn’t sing.” Chloe let the words hang in the air for a moment. Beca shook her head slowly. “That’s how it started. He told me I’d only been a Bella because I was attractive. Then it became that you guys hated me and that you’d all conspire to turn my mic off at competitions and then he started pointing out your success and how well you were all doing without me…”

Beca couldn’t help the rush of anger. She opened her mouth but Chloe stopped her before she could speak.

“I know it’s not true, Becs. I know. Well, I know now. But it took me a long time because he just kept chipping away at me. At my confidence. It got to the point where I didn’t know what was up and what was down without him telling me. I relied on him for everything. And I mean everything. He’d taken over paying for my tuition at Cornell and he’d organised my internships to be with the horses on the army base so I was close by. My whole world revolved around him and I couldn’t leave without losing everything.”

Chloe’s fingers tapped against the fence. “I left the group chat with you guys because I’d become convinced, genuinely believed, that you were better off without me. I honestly believed that every memory I had of our time together was wrong; I couldn’t trust that any of you guys were even really my friends because he just made me believe I was worthless. It got to a point so quickly where I hated the person I’d been when we’d met- me and him- that I wanted to get rid of my old life. I just wanted to be perfect for him. And he wanted me all to himself. He made it into a choice; them or me. Little did I know that was only the beginning.”

“Chlo.”

Chloe sighed. “It sounds crazy because I was. Crazy, I mean. I… I got out, though. I think the final straw was when he tried to turn me against my parents. He’d stopped me going to see them twice and then he changed my phone contract onto a joint account with him and blocked their number. I thought something was wrong with their phone so I called them from my supervisor’s office at Cornell and… they picked up. It kind of hit me, then, that he was playing a game with me. I’d ask him about stuff, like about him blocking their number or whatever, and he’d basically tell me it was all in my head. He convinced me I was insane. Damaged goods, I guess. I think he was trying to make me grateful that he was sticking with me. Trying to make himself seem better.”

  
Beca brushed her hair back off her face. Leaning in a little closer, her fingers bumped against Chloe’s as they both rested against the fence.

“I tried to drop out of Cornell. He’d almost convinced me that we should get married and live on the base. He wanted kids and a perfect wife and I was too busy and… I went to my supervisor about dropping out and she knew straight away. She sat me down and we talked and, by the end of that day, I’d spoken to my parents and I had my first real evidence that I wasn’t as mad as he’d convinced me I was. Professor Kingston- Penny- took me home and gave me two weeks off. I packed up my stuff and we broke up slowly. He never chased me. His unit got an assignment in South Sudan and I left the same day he did. I’m sure he probably goes around telling his friends I was just another crazy bitch, but I don’t care anymore. I was gone. Penny organised a placement for me with an equine vet in Florida so I could stay with mom and dad and, by the next year, I’d transferred to Georgia State and started work on turning my thesis into a business. I don’t use social media, though, because I’m worried he’ll track me down. The other day kind of proved to me how easy it is to find out where someone is just from a careless photo if you have some of the puzzle pieces already put together.”

Beca nodded and processed what Chloe was explaining. “How long since you broke up? Since you left?”

“Nearly three years.”

“And you didn’t reach out to the Bellas?”

Chloe shook her head. “I didn’t think I could. I… I left you so abruptly and I knew I’d hurt you all. It had been so long and I thought what I’d done was unforgivable. Plus, that little voice was still at the back of my mind. I thought you all hated me.”

“When are you going to realise it’s impossible to hate Chloe Beale?” Beca said gently, trying her best to keep her smile light.

“After everything he told me? Everything he put in my head? Probably a very long time.” Beca nodded, eyes cast down. “I’m sorry, Beca. I still don’t trust half of my own thoughts. Or memories. He exaggerated things and twisted things but there was always an element of truth at the beginning. And he got in deep in my brain. Unravelling it all has taken a long time. And I’ll be doing it for years, I’m sure.”

“I know I sound like the biggest hypocrite in the world for what I’m about to say, but you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here, OK? I… I’d like to be there for you.” Beca paused, thinking back to her conversation with Aubrey. “I’ll put my cards on the table. I’d like to build our friendship again. I… I’d like to have you in my life and I’d like to share yours. But only if you want to. To try again.”

Beca looked up and met Chloe’s eyes. Chloe nodded. “Yeah. I think I’d like that.”

Sammy’s voice came into Beca’s head. “So, with that in mind, what do you need from me? What can I do to help get us to a place where we can be friends again?”

Chloe turned to face Beca. “Don’t change for me. I…. I need you to be you. Just the way you are.”


	16. Remember

The happy shrieks of a little boy enjoying an afternoon in the sun could be heard from the street. Beca tuned into the sound the moment she opened the car door to step out and walk towards her house.

“Hello!” She called, walking through the side gate directly into the garden.

“Hi. We weren’t sure what time to expect you home. Are you OK?”

Beca smiled at her dad. “I’m good. I’m going to make an iced coffee if you want one?”

He nodded and she quickly ducked into the kitchen. As the machine brewed her espresso, she watched through the window. Lennon was strapped into his new swing set, clapping gleefully as her dad pushed him back and forth. Even more impressively, Dr Mitchell had managed to get him into a rash guard and a hat.

“Dad, yours is on the table." Beca walked over to the swing set and smiled. “This looks amazing. Thank you so much.”

“It’s worth it for this. I love his little laugh.”

“Me too.” Beca grinned at Lennon, his hands flapping out to the sides at the motion. “Are you having fun, bud?”

“Nnnnnnnn” he smiled widely. “Mama”.

Beca stopped the swing when Lennon put his arms out. She knew what he wanted and pulled him out of the seat, holding him on her hip. Walking back to the table and chairs she had set up on the patio, she moved him onto her knee and let him cuddle into her, pressing his nose against her forehead the way he always did.

“Hi there.”

“So, how is Chloe? I couldn’t work out this morning whether you wanted me to make an excuse for you and say we had plans or…”

Beca shook her head, smiling at her dad. “You don’t need to worry. It’s Chloe. Anyway, it was nice. We… we’re trying to build our friendship again. It’s just weird because it’s been so long, you know? Things didn’t get off to the best start but I guess we have to learn to work around who we are now. We have to work out how to find our friendship again when so much has happened.”

Lennon slid off Beca’s lap and wandered back over to where his outside toys were stored. She watched for a moment to make sure he was safe before taking a sip of her drink.

“It’s been a long time, Beca. I mean, a lot has changed.” Dr Mitchell gestured to Lennon who was busy taking all of the toys out of the storage box.

“I know, but maybe that’s a good thing. I… I don’t need her to be anything more than just a friend. We don’t have to work together or, you know, run the Bellas. And we’re not relying on each other to get by like we were when we were living in Brooklyn. I mean, that apartment was never meant for three people and so we just got into a routine. Now we’re grown up with real jobs and stuff we can just… be friends. Not, like, business partners or roommates. Just friends.”

Dr Mitchell smiled. “She was good for you. When you told me you were moving to New York I was worried about it being lonely and too much pressure and I didn't like to think about you having to struggle financially to get by, but when you said Chloe was going too I instantly felt calmer. I watched how that group of girls brought you out of your shell in college and I knew she’d be there for you if you needed her.” He paused, eyes on Beca as she watched Lennon play. “I was surprised when you said you hadn’t heard from her in so long. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Beca took a breath. “I guess I buried it down. After a few months of her not being part of our group anymore, I knew it wasn’t a question I could answer. Plus, then Lennon arrived so I had other things to focus on and- as you know- being a parent shifts how you see things. I didn’t have the energy to dedicate to worrying about things I couldn’t control anymore.”

It was still strange to be so honest with her father. Beca watched him taking in her words, noticing the way his eyes focused as she spoke. Losing Chloe all those years ago had been so painful; Beca had put up her defences but, alone in Los Angeles, nobody had been around to spot the changes. Instead, she had let herself run wild until one fateful night had changed her entire life.

“Where did she go?” Dr Mitchell’s question pulled Beca back into the present. She blinked slowly. “When Chloe left. Where did she go?”

Beca shrugged. “I… she told me some of it today. I mean, it’s not my story to tell but, ah, her boyfriend wasn’t the nicest guy. He made her believe a lot of things that weren’t true and one of them was that we all hated her. That she was a burden to us. He made her feel so ashamed and left her so convinced that she just… cut us off.”

“Gaslighting? It’s so awful. Such a dangerous, horrible situation. Poor Chloe.” Dr Mitchell paused, clearly deep in thought. “He must have known how close you two were. Well, you and all the Bellas. But anyone who looked at you knew you were a duo. You must have been a threat.”

“Me?” Beca had never thought of the situation that way before. She’d never really considered that Chicago may have viewed her as some kind of nemesis. She’d just been Chloe’s friend and roommate. Nothing more. “Why would…”

“Becs, Sheila and I used to joke that- even though you and Jesse were dating- you and Chloe were like a married couple. You could read each other’s minds it seemed. She got you in a way nobody else ever had, not since your mother, and I’m sure other people thought the same about you. He must have seen it.” He paused. Beca scraped her teeth over her lip. “I’m just glad she’s back in your life. It’s another reason for me to be happy you’re back in Georgia.”

Lennon was piling toys into some kind of mound, clearly in his element. Beca loved the way he played independently and was always intrigued to find out what he’d do next. She trained her eyes on him for a moment, hoping her dad would get the hint that she’d done enough talking for one day.

He didn’t.

“Bec, did you…” She turned to face him. “Did you ever come out to Chloe? I know you don’t have to tell everyone but did she…”

Beca scrunched her nose. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Sorry. I… I was just thinking out loud.”

“No.” Beca said quietly. “No, I don’t think she knows.”

_I don’t think she knows._ The thought plagued Beca for the rest of the day. After her dad left, she let Lennon have another play on the swing before making dinner for them both. The evening rolled around quickly and, after a quick bath and a story, she left Lennon in bed and wandered back downstairs with the cats.

Seeing Chloe again was bringing up a lot of questions. Five years was a long time to miss out on in someone’s story, especially when those five years had been so significant. Of course, the most obvious change in Beca’s life had been the arrival of Lennon, but other things- as her dad had reminded her- had also happened.

Coming out hadn’t been a big deal. Jesse had been the first to get her to say anything out loud, but her sexuality had never been the topic of conversation. She’d never wanted to label herself. Of course, when she had a baby everyone assumed she was straight and, for most people, nothing had ever challenged those assumptions. The only people who she had told in any official way had been her father and Sheila, and that had been an accident. She’d been encouraged to go to a party by her boss when Lennon had just turned one. Her parents had been in LA visiting and had offered to babysit so she could go. Her dad had teased her about bringing a guy home and- still finding her boundaries in her new relationship with him- Beca had made a joke that it might not be a guy.

That had been it.

Sheila had asked for some clarification but Beca refused to name it. She didn’t need to; naming it meant defining it and her feelings weren’t something she could put into a category. Instead, she just explained that she’d always liked girls and rolled her eyes while Sheila talked about her sister Patty’s daughter’s cousin and her wife and how they were in the process of adopting “a little kiddie from, oh what’s it called? The place with the exotic soundin’ name…"

Beca had pulled on a leather jacket and left before the end of the story (her dad had later told her that the place Sheila was trying to remember was ‘Boca Raton’).

She didn’t bring anyone home that night.

Nobody had been home with her for a very, very long time.

In fact, aside from her parents, Lennon’s therapists and Pip, Chloe was the only person- only friend- who had been in Beca’s house since she had moved away from New York. Looking around, she wondered how much Chloe could tell about her from her home.

There were still music posters on the wall; just slightly nicer ones than she had put up in college now that she could afford frames. Her record collection had certainly grown, with every album painstakingly organised by genre and then by name. There were more photographs now, too. Pictures of her family. Pictures of her son.

Beca sat back and closed her eyes. In her mind, she thought of when Chloe had first seen her again and wondered what she had been able to deduce. She thought of when she had properly looked at Chloe, had seen the hurt in her eyes. If Chloe hadn’t said anything, what would she have assumed? How many puzzle pieces was she still missing?

If they were going to be friends, maybe Beca needed to work out what Chloe would need to know about her and how her life had changed since they had left one another in New York. Feeling a surge of inspiration, Beca pulled out a sheet of paper and a pencil and began to write.

_Five Years On: What do you need to know (that isn’t immediately obvious)?_

  1. _I’ve learned to look after myself. And keep another human alive. Plus two cats and an array of succulents (let’s not talk about that time I killed an entire basil plant)._
  2. _I still essentially run on coffee and sarcasm. Nothing will change that._
  3. _I’m 95% sure I’m allergic to pineapple now._
  4. _I know all the words to every song by The Wiggles._
  5. _…_



Beca put down her pencil, stared down at the paper and scrunched it up in her hand.

She knew she was being silly. She knew that, in true Beca style, she was putting up her defences and avoiding the truth.

Sighing, she grabbed another sheet of paper (the back of one of Lennon’s many letters from specialists) and began again.

_And here’s what you missed on Beca…_

She groaned and crossed it out. The only person she was hiding from was herself. She needed to be serious.

_Dear Chlo,_

She left off the ‘e’ on purpose. The use of the college-era nickname made her smile. It felt right.

_It’s been five years. I should probably catch you up on some stuff that you’ve missed. Some of it is obvious. I am a mother now. I have a job I love. I still live for music. I don’t think any of that comes as a surprise once you’ve seen me._

_Some of it is less obvious. Some things you can’t tell by looking. Like how I lost myself when you left. I know I moved away first and I know we were drifting apart in some way, but I never expected to lose you so suddenly. My entire life was shaken up that day and I realised I didn’t know how to be me without you by my side. I was alone and, suddenly, even the idea of you was too painful because I had no way to reach you. I’d taken you for granted- the idea that you’d always be there- and I think that’s why I felt it so hard when, for the first time in my life, you weren’t._

_I felt numb and empty. I drank too much. I made bad decisions because I didn’t have anyone to hold me back. I made worse decisions because I didn’t have anyone to go home with. I didn’t have anyone wrapping their arms around me or holding my hand or telling me they loved me. I tried to find people who would make me feel some of that, but it never worked. I knew they wouldn’t say it, but I’d hear your voice sometimes and I’d feel OK. For a moment._

_I don’t know if you can tell from looking how much I missed you. It was like a whole chunk of me was ripped out._

_It hurt. A lot. And yet, in some ways, I was left feeling nothing at all._

_I lost the core of me when I lost you._

_I’ve tried so hard to rebuild myself into someone my son can look up to. Into someone I can be proud of. I think I tried to build the new me on the parts of you I missed the most. I tried to make myself more thoughtful. I tried to listen and make myself kind. I tried to smile more (I missed your smile more than anything)._

_There are things I never got the chance to say to you, but I don’t have the words. I can’t write without thinking of you. It’s as if you hold my words like cards in your hand. I’m going to play for every single one, but- even after all this time- I’d bet everything I had on you. For you. Because of you._

_I guess the most important thing to know is that, even after all this time, you still have a place in my heart. You’ve been hurt and I know the guilt will never go away because I could have- should have- been there. But one look in your blue eyes and I was right back there by your side on that stage with your hand in mine and your name across my soul._

_I don’t think I ever stopped loving you._

_I just wish I’d told you then._

_I just wish you’d heard my voice over his._

_I just wish I’d been louder._

Beca put down the pencil and blinked.

Taking a breath, she hummed quietly to herself. So many ideas and images were flooding her mind.

The compulsion to pick up her guitar came as a shock. It had been years since she’d felt like playing. She’d even considered selling it when she moved back to Georgia. Walking into her office, she plucked it off the wall and checked if it was in tune. Slowly, she strummed an easy chord pattern and let her mind relax.

The words came just as easily as the music. It was as if someone had finally loosened a tap and now, finally, everything was pouring from her. The truth, the past and everything in between.


	17. One Day (At a Time)

Beca wandered down the corridor of Residual Heat towards Sammy’s office. Her first major project since moving to Atlanta was finally complete and she felt light. She could tell by the way her shoulders were relaxed, by the way she bounced slightly as she walked. By the way she hummed as she knocked.

“Enter.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Hey.”

“Hello. I hear you’re signed off? Congratulations, Reggie. One down.”

“Thanks.” It was a relief to finally have completed her first record as a producer in this branch of the studio, but work wasn’t at the forefront of her mind.

Sammy turned around in his chair, phone in his hand. “So, what can I do for you?”

“Uh, I was just wondering if you could authorise for me to have Wednesday off? It’s IEP time.”

Sammy opened his laptop and clicked a couple of times. “Done. Anything else?”

Beca shook her head. “I don’t think so. Thanks, Sammy.”

“OK. Well, good luck with the IEP. And congratulations again on the new record. I knew you’d be the person to get the ball rolling.” Sammy paused and smiled. “Did you realise you were singing when you walked in? It wasn’t a song I knew. One from your college days or…”

“It… it’s something I’m working on. I think. Maybe.”

Sammy smiled knowingly. “Sounds good, Reggie.”

The song didn’t leave Beca’s head. She found herself humming quietly as she queued for her usual lunchtime order of a bagel and a coffee, absentmindedly going over the same six bars to try and work out where to go next.

“Hey.” A tap on the shoulder caught her attention. She turned. “Sorry. Beca, right?”

Beca smiled as she recognised the man. “Oh, hey. You’re the cracker thief’s dad.”

“Jeremy.”

“Hey. How are you? How’s Jodie?”

Jeremy smiled gently. “We’re all good. Are you on your lunch break? My usual dinner date bailed on me for a board meeting so if you want some company…”

“I usually just get it to go and eat in my office but that… that sounds nice. Thanks.” Beca took her bagel from the server with a smile and followed Jeremy to a table in the corner of the cafe. He pulled out a seat for her and gestured for her to sit as he echoed her movements.

“I’m going to sound ridiculous, but do you come here often?”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Smooth.” She smiled. “I… yeah. I’m awful at remembering to make lunch because mornings at home are crazy and it’s so convenient. Do…. Do you?”

“Sometimes. It depends where I’m working from. My partner is obsessed with the cinnamon swirls they do here, though, so if I do come I either have to keep it on the DL or buy him a pastry and somehow avoid eating it myself for a whole afternoon.” Both of them took a bite of their lunch. Beca picked at the edge of her bagel as Jeremy continued. “Plus, if I do bring pastries home I’ve then got the job of hiding them from Jodie and Jackson and, I swear, Jodie’s like a bloodhound. That kid can sniff out sugar from a mile away.”

Beca grinned. “I mean, I don’t think it’s just sugar. The first time I met her was when she plunged straight into a box of crackers that taste of, like, dust and misery.”

“Of course!” Jeremy laughed. “Oh, she’s such a turkey.”

Beca had no idea what her face did in response to Jeremy’s wording, but the curious look he shot her made her shake her head. “Turkey?”

“No idea. Rob and I use it with both kids instead of saying ‘little asshole’. Anyway, let’s not be those parents who only talk about their offspring. What do you do for work?”

Beca took a sip of her drink. “I’m a record producer.”

Jeremy’s eyebrows lifted. “Fancy.”

She shook her head. “Not really. I mean, the music industry is crazy. It’s fun, though. What about you?”

“I’m in marketing. For Coca Cola. We have a meeting space down the street.”

“Cool.” Beca smiled. “You know, it’s weird that you’re the first person I’ve met who actually works for Coca Cola. You’d think, being in Atlanta, that I’d have met more. Isn’t this, like, its official home?”

Jeremy shrugged. “It is. I’m sure there’s another parent at the school who works in my office. But that is a boring conversation for another day.” He took another bite. “So, Beca. Are you local?”

“Sort of. I… I came here for college. And my dad is- was- a professor at said college.” She paused, before correcting herself. “He’s not dead, just to be clear. He just retired.” Jeremy chuckled. “And, ah, I moved away for a few years but then I came back at the beginning of the summer for work. And for a school place, obviously.”

“Cool. Where were you before?”

“LA.”

Jeremy smiled. “I said you were fancy.”

“And there speaks a man who has never been to Los Angeles. Or at least my old neighbourhoods. LA is only fancy if you can afford to make it fancy. By which I mean by buying a house in the hills. Or Malibu.”

“And now you’re here.”

Beca nodded. “Yep. Now I’m here buying my lunch from a bagel shop and actually coming out with change from a twenty which is great. And spending my evenings drowning in IEP paperwork. Which is, you know, less great.” Her eyes flashed. Jeremy grimaced knowingly.

“Well, good luck. Those meetings are always emotional. Make sure you’ve got a cold bottle of vodka in the freezer; that’s how we got through it. Anyway, I, uh, I should probably get going. But” he scribbled down some digits on a napkin, “this is my number. Let’s organise a play date or something. Maybe your kid can steal my kid’s food this time?”

“Sounds good.”

Beca tossed the end of her sandwich into the trash and took another sip from her now lukewarm coffee. Walking towards the door, she smiled as she spotted familiar red hair. It was unusual, she realised, how quickly the feeling of apprehension had dissipated whenever she thought about seeing Chloe in public. It was still awkward, but better now the dread was gone.

“Hey.” They still weren’t at the hugging stage. Beca kept her arms by her side.

“Hi.” Chloe smiled. “You ok?”

“I am. Sorry… I’d offer to have a coffee with you but I’ve got to run.”

Chloe nodded. “I know. I… I spotted you in the window when I came in. Cute guy.”

“Jeremy? Oh, he’s just a dad from the school.” Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out, noticing it was JJ calling. “I’ve got to take this. I… Call me later, OK?”

Beca arrived home after work to the sound of giggling coming from her kitchen. Dumping her stuff as usual in the spot under the stairs, she walked through the house towards the sound.

“Well, you two look ridiculous.” She smiled at the sight before her; both Pip and Lennon were covered in a light dusting of flour. “I hope you haven’t got a date tonight or anything.”

Pip shook her head with a grin. “We watched that pizza party song on YouTube and I got an idea. I printed off some kid-friendly instructions and thought- hey- let’s make pizza for dinner.” She smiled as she held up the shaped dough. “Mickey-shaped pizza.”

Beca knew her smile was wide from the way her cheeks ached. “Amazing.”

“Plus we mixed and rolled the dough and we spooned the sauce on together so I’m pretty certain that’s fine motor development taken care of for the day.”

Lennon squealed happily as Pip put down a bowl of shredded cheese.

“Lennon, wait” she said gently. Beca just stood back and watched. “OK, let’s work together.”

“You know,” she said after a moment, “if you ever decide that personal assisting or whatever isn’t for you, you’d be amazing at this.”

Pip smiled. “I know. I… I’m considering it. I wouldn’t want to let you down, though, if I decided to go and train to teach or be an OT.”

“You wouldn’t be letting me down at all. Anyway, you’ve done more for us in the last two months than I ever could have asked.”

“OK. Well, it’s just a thought at the moment but… thanks.”

Beca sat down next to Lennon. Pip handed her a ball of dough. “I… I thought you’d want to maybe make one too?”

Beca smiled and tore the dough in half, handing some of it back to her PA. “Of course. But you should, too. Stay for dinner, I mean. You can’t do all this and then just… leave. Eat with us.”

The sounds of ‘Pizza Party’ rang out through the speakers as the three put their toppings on their pizzas. Beca snapped photographs of them all, melting slightly at the way Lennon watched Pip as she helped him sprinkle cheese onto his mouse-shaped dough. She wondered, not for the first time, if other people ever caught him looking at her like that. If it was obvious to the rest of the world that- in his own way- he loved her the same way she loved him.

Beca leaned in, kissing Lennon’s floury hair. “Good decorating, little dude.”

Pip offered her a bowl of pineapple chunks. “Controversial question” she began, “but do you want any?”

“Nah” Beca thought back to her lighthearted list she’d thrown away, “I’m pretty sure I’m allergic. Like, I didn’t realise until after college that it’s not supposed to make your mouth feel like it’s on fire. I genuinely just thought it was spicy.”

Pip laughed, which caught Lennon’s attention. He reached out, hand covered in cheese and tomato, and pressed it to her face to try and stop the sound.

Beca leaned back in her chair as she laughed silently until she cried.

“I’m so sorry. I… I know I shouldn’t laugh but that was brilliant.”

By the time the pizzas were cooked, everyone was relatively clean. Beca decided against putting Lennon in another top, instead just putting a bib onto him to make the clean up easier. Pizza was something he could eat independently, but the fact that he was going to use his hands also made it perfect for throwing. It would be a messy affair.

“I made a quick salad” Beca said as Pip walked back in, her face now clean. “What do you want to drink?”

“I’ve got a stash of diet coke in your fridge.”

Beca handed Pip a can and set the table.

“So, the IEP is this week, right?” Pip asked as she helped Lennon drink from his sippy cup. “Are you ready? Is there anything else I need to do?”

Beca shook her head. She had asked Pip to send her photographs and any accounts she had of Lennon’s progress, but she had yet to do anything with them. “I don’t think so. I… to be honest, I think it’s more about the therapists working with the school than it is about me. I haven’t filled out the big form yet, though. That’s tonight’s job.” She paused to hand Lennon two tiny bites of pizza, giving Pip a chance to serve herself some salad. “I saw one of the parents today from that social thing at the school. Jeremy.”

Pip quirked an eyebrow and tilted her chin down towards her neck.“Did you… make a friend?”

“Shut up” Beca said gently. “He, ah, he warned me basically to put vodka on ice before I attempt it.”

Pip grimaced. “Sounds like that’ll be fun, then. Oh!” The doorbell rang. “Shall I go?”

Beca stood up, pushing both her plate and Lennon’s out of his reach. “No, you eat. I’m not expecting anyone. It’s probably just a package or something…”

Beca regretted wiping her hands on her jeans when she noticed that she had essentially left two white handprints on her thighs. She reached the door and opened it, entirely unsure of who would be on the other side.

“Hey. Everything ok?” Beca blinked as she took in Chloe’s appearance.

“Yeah, I… you weren’t answering your phone. I got into my head and suddenly I was in the car. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” Chloe turned on her heel. Beca reached out instinctively, wrapping her hand around the redhead’s wrist.

“Hey. It’s fine,” she spoke lightly. “Come on in. We’re just having dinner. Have you eaten?”

Chloe shook her head and followed Beca into the house, closing the door behind her. Beca waited as she slipped off her shoes.

  
“Drink?”

“Just water, thanks.”

Beca led Chloe into the kitchen and pulled a glass from the cupboard to pour Chloe a drink. “I don’t think you guys have met before” she said, noticing the way Pip sat up straighter as they walked in. “Pip, this is Chloe, an old friend from college. Chloe, this is my PA and guardian angel life saver hero, Pip.”

“Hey” Pip waved.

“Hi. Nice to meet you.”

Beca gestured for Chloe to take a seat. “Are you hungry? I’ll share.”

“Are you sure?”

Beca nodded and nudged her pizza so that it sat between them on the table. “Help yourself. It… it’s not got any meat on it, by the way. I don’t know if you’re still vegetarian, but just if you are.”

It was hard not to notice Chloe’s eyes tearing up. “Thanks. I… you remembered.”

_It’s impossible to forget anything about you._ Beca swallowed down the thought and turned it into a shrug. Her eyes said everything she needed to, getting lost in Chloe’s for a moment too long. She blinked and turned back to the table. Lennon picked up a piece of pizza, a tiny square, in his fist and pushed it into his mouth.

“Mmm. Tasty pizza” Pip said. Beca caught her eye and smiled.

“Good eating, bud. More?” Chloe knew Beca was watching her as she signed to her son.

Lennon reached out with an ‘ah-ah’. Pip handed him another square and ruffled his hair. “Good job. Good asking.”

Beca let Pip go after dinner, thanking her again and handing her some cash to cover the cost of the ingredients which the young woman refused to take. Beca slipped it in her bag when she wasn’t looking.

Walking back into the kitchen, she smiled as she watched Chloe piling up the plates. “Where’s your dishwasher?”

Beca shook her head. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll do it later when this one has gone to bed. We… we usually have a bit of chill out time after dinner. Just, like, books and music. No screens. Care to join?”

Letting Lennon out of his seat, Chloe watched as he walked out of the kitchen and confidently into the living room, stepping over one of the cats to get into the corner. Slowly, he pulled book after book out of the small shelf. Beca smiled. “Shall we have a story? Why don’t we let Chloe choose?” She looked up at Chloe and patted the space next to her on the carpet.

Once Lennon had gone to bed, Beca came downstairs to find Chloe loading the dishwasher.

“Alexa, play ‘Surf Music’ by Paul Williams.” The opening chords of the first song rang out around the room.

She heard Chloe’s breath hitch in her throat before she saw the silent tears.

“Hey” Beca said, reaching out, her voice laced with concern. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”Chloe blinked rapidly but it did nothing to stem the steady flow of tears. She sighed, looking into Beca’s eyes. “I don’t understand why you’re being so welcoming to me. I don’t understand why you’re letting me in your house. And feeding me pizza and…”

“Hey, it’s ok. What brought this on?” Beca asked, stepping forward.

“The last time I heard this album was in New York with you. I…” she shook her head. “I guess it just hit me how much has changed. I… I don’t deserve to be here. Not like this. Not without…”

Beca stepped into Chloe’s personal space and, for the first time in five years, wrapped her arms around her. She tried not to think too much about the fact she could feel Chloe’s chest move as she breathed, the familiar scent of her shampoo enveloping her, and instead focused on calming her down any way she could. “Whatever is going on in your head right now, you need to believe me when I say that what you're hearing is wrong. You are wanted and you are good enough. Just the way you are.”

Chloe nodded against her. Beca rubbed her arm gently before stepping back, gripping her shoulders.

“Shall I turn off the music? Change it to something else?”

Chloe shook her head. “No. I… I’ve missed it. I’ve missed being surrounded by music like this.” She sighed, looking at her feet for a moment before looking into Beca’s eyes. “I think I stopped listening- really listening- when you left. Music made me miss you.”

Beca bit the inside of her cheek, fighting the burning urge to lean close and press her lips to Chloe’s temple.


	18. I Don't Want To Be A Soldier, Mama

_Music made me miss you._

Beca took a moment to let Chloe’s words wash over her once more. The look that had flashed across Chloe’s face told her that she hadn’t intended to say it out loud.

Beca smiled. “Well, music was our whole life.” She sighed. “I miss college, you know. I… I miss how easy it felt. Like, no real responsibilities and a house full of crazy girls and having the time to do whatever we wanted.” She chucked lightly. “Man, we’re old.”

Chloe gasped. “Hey. Don’t forget I’m older than you. When you say you’re old, that means you’re saying I’m ancient.”

“But you don’t age, Chloe. You look youthful and beautiful and… I look haggard. Like an old crone.”

Chloe rolled her eyes. “Shut up. You look amazing.”

“Chloe, I don’t remember the last time I used a night serum. I regularly get woken up at 4.30 in the morning by a screaming child and- if I’ve forgotten to put the baby gate on- sometimes my alarm is just toys being thrown at my head until I move.” Beca watched Chloe’s smile grow. “I mean, look at these pants. Do these floury hand prints scream ‘youthful glow’ to you?”

Chloe smiled and leaned into Beca’s side, nudging her slightly with her shoulder. “Becs. Stop it.”

Beca grinned. “I got called ‘ma’am’ the other day. I mean, I know we’re back in Georgia and southerners are very polite, but… do I look like a ma’am?”

“What did you say to whoever it was?”

“Nothing. I gave them a trademark Beca Mitchell scowl.”

Chloe paused. “Becs, you’re in your thirties. That scowl stopped working a long time ago.”

Beca huffed. “It still works on Sheila. And Lennon… sometimes.”

Beca’s phone vibrated in her pocket. “Sorry.” She pulled it out and scrolled through the email. “It… it’s, ah, Lennon’s new speech therapist sending me their report for me to read through. We’ve got a big meeting for him on Wednesday and I have done literally nothing.”

“Well, maybe some things haven’t changed since college” Chloe teased. “Remember the night before your sociology paper was due? We were driving back from a show and you just casually mentioned you hadn’t started it. I thought Stacie was going to explode.”

“Well, I did it on time. And I’ll get this done, too. It’s not huge… it’s just overwhelming. I don’t know where to start with it.”

“What do you need to do?”

  
Beca sighed, pushing her hair back off her face. “I guess the main thing I have to do is fill out his ‘All About Me’ book for his file. And then I need to think about some goals and stuff. The therapists and the school do the bulk of it. It’s just a lot to think about, especially because I’ve never done it before.”

Chloe nodded. “OK. Well, is there anything I can do to help? Even if it’s just organising forms or… being there as a friend?”

“I think that would be good. You… you don’t have anywhere to be, right?”

Chloe shook her head. “Nope. I’m all yours.”

“Cool. I… you take a seat and I’ll go get all the stuff.”

Beca returned with her laptop and a file filled with letters, notes and forms. She smiled when she realised Chloe had made her a tea. Just like she used to when they studied together in college.

“Thank you.”

“No worries. So, where do we start?”

Beca opened the document Miss Hayes had sent her.

“The first part is just called ‘my story’. I… I think it’s just asking me to put down everything about since he was born until now.” Beca looked at the blinking cursor and sighed. “I… it’s a lot to write down. I don’t know where to begin.”

Chloe looked across at her. “Why don’t I type it? You just talk.”

Beca nodded and swivelled the laptop to face the redhead. She took it, hands poised over the keyboard and waited for Beca to begin. Beca reeled off the same story she’d told a thousand times, making sure her pace slow enough for Chloe to keep up.

“Ok. So Lennon was born in LA. He… he was full term but small. He had low muscle tone from birth which affected feeding and he had to go onto a supplement because he wasn’t putting on weight. They were still worried, though, and so the paediatrician referred us to a neurologist. And then to a geneticist. The geneticist diagnosed him with a chromosome deletion.” She paused, watching Chloe type. “If you, like, put that in bold or something I’ll dig out the official title later and put it in. I always get the letters and numbers the wrong way around if I don’t check.”

Chloe nodded. Beca wasn’t sure how to take her stoic silence.

“Ah, what else do they need to know? He… he hit all his milestones late. He sat up independently for the first time at 13 months. He stood up at 19 months and took his first steps on his second birthday. And he said his first word two weeks ago.”

“He did?” Chloe asked, her smile giving Beca a sense of relief. “What was it?”

“Mama.”

Chloe’s hand reached up over her heart. Beca nodded. “I know.” She tapped her fingers on the table. “What else needs to go in there?”

“Maybe just, like, when he moved to Georgia?”

“OK. So it’s been two months. Oh, actually, can you find somewhere to say he went to daycare in LA with an assigned para with him most of the time? And maybe we should put which specialists he saw in LA? He had a dietician but was discharged. Same with the geneticist. He still sees a paediatrician regularly, as well as his physiotherapist, occupational therapist and speech therapist.”

Chloe nodded and typed. “Lots of therapists.”

“I know. I… when he was very little, when they first diagnosed him, I felt like I saw a different professional every day. I mean, I cut my work down to three days a week to get it all in and even then I felt like I didn’t have time.” Beca sighed. “I mean, I’d do anything for my son, I really would, but that first 18 months was just… horrendous. I was on autopilot the whole time. Just, you know, fighting a new battle every day.”

“You’ve always had more strength than you give yourself credit for.”

Beca turned to face Chloe, eyes softening. “I’m trying.”

“You’re not just trying, Becs. You’re _doing._ ”

“I see you’ve not lost your captaincy skills. That was some real motivational shit right there.”

Chloe shook her head. “I see you still can’t take a compliment.”

“Never.”

The smile lingered between them for a moment until Beca cleared her throat. “What’s next?”

“My Important People.”

“Oh, that’s easy enough. Grandpa. Nanna- that’s Sheila, by the way. And Pip. Oh and me. I hope.”

“Of course you. The next part just says ‘Things I Like’.”

Beca smiled. “Well, Mickey Mouse, obviously. Elmo. Super Simple Songs on YouTube. Things that spin or roll. Lights, especially projectors. Throwing things. Oh, and water.”

“What about things he doesn’t like?”

“OK. Ah, loud noises. Being crowded. He gets frustrated when he can’t communicate what he needs. And he doesn’t like having his hair or his face washed.”

“How can you tell when he’s happy?”

Beca smiled, looking at the photograph on the wall behind Chloe’s head. She pointed at it. “That’s him happy.” She waited until Chloe had seen what she was pointing at before she continued. “When he’s in a good mood, he giggles a lot. He squeals when he’s excited. He flaps his hands and makes noise. And, ah, he tries really hard to communicate.”

“What about when he’s unhappy?”

“Well, you’ve seen it for yourself” Beca said, looking knowingly at Chloe. “He screams. He, ah, arches his back or goes, like, dead weight. He will occasionally hit or bite if he’s really out of control. He… he throws his shoes and socks off, too. And he cries. But I don’t think it’s out of sadness. More out of frustration.”

“And what makes it better?”

“Headphones” Beca smiled at Chloe as she said it. “Definitely. Ah, taking him somewhere quiet where he’s not as overwhelmed helps. Making sure he’s safe. Mickey Mouse is what he uses to self-soothe sometimes. And then, when he’s calmed down, we cuddle. Although I think that’s for me as much as it is for him.”

Chloe smiled. “He’s a very cuddle-able boy.”

“He is. He’s still got that squishiness like a toddler and- 20 year old me would never have expected this- but I’m so obsessed with how soft and squidgy his little belly is.”

Chloe grinned. “You know what I think 20 year old Beca would have hated the most about that sentence?”

“What?”

“You said ‘squidgy’.”

Beca grinned. “Well, it is. Give me another word but I bet it doesn’t describe it the same way. It’s just the best.” She paused, looking at Chloe. “And it _is_ squidgy.”

Chloe leaned back in her seat and stretched her arms. Beca watched her for a moment. “Are you OK? Do you want to take a break or I can take over typing if…”

Chloe shook her head. “I’m good.” She looked back down at the screen. “OK, this section is all the things he needs help with.”

Beca scoffed. “Is there not just a box for ‘everything’?” Chloe didn’t laugh. Beca groaned and leaned back in her chair. “OK. Let’s go with the headlines. He needs help with communicating, that’s a big one. Second, he needs help with, like, personal hygiene and stuff. Getting clean, using the bathroom. He’s usually dry in the daytime but he needs to be reminded and he needs someone to go with him. Plus he needs lifting on and off the toilet. He still has little accidents, too, because he doesn’t say yet if he needs to go. Dressing himself is hard, too. He needs help to put all his clothes on andto take most of them off. He can feed himself but he needs specialised plates and silverware because of his low muscle tone and he needs an adult to help him cut up his food and to help him bend his arms the right way to eat it. And he needs supervising at meal times because he throws.”

Chloe nodded. “Wow, Becs. That’s… a lot.”

Beca sighed. “You’re telling me. I… I never expected this, you know? Even when he was diagnosed, I didn’t think I’d know the difference between all the types of special handles on forks or that I’d still be putting him in a diaper at night at four years old. It… it’s changed a lot about who I am because it had to. He needs a lot of help, Chlo. Like, a lot. And that’s never going to change. I mean, he’ll get older and he’ll learn new stuff but he’s never gonna…” She choked. Chloe’s hand reached out to brush her arm. Beca swallowed back her sudden tears and smiled. “This is why Jeremy warned me to have a bottle of vodka handy. Jesus. If I’m like this now, what am I going to be like in the actual meeting?”

Chloe rubbed her arm. “You’ll be strong and honest and you’ll fight for whatever he needs because that’s who you are.”

“I know. I know I am but…” Beca tucked her hair behind her ear, “it’s exhausting.”

“You’re doing great” Chloe said gently. “Why don’t we do one more easy section and then call it a night?”

“OK.”

Chloe scrolled down. “Alright, this one sounds like it should be good. How does Lennon communicate?”

Beca nodded. “Well. He, ah, he makes his likes and dislikes very well known in lots of different ways. You can just put, like, ‘see above’ or something for that. And then, well, he sometimes points but it’s not always there. Sometimes he signs but, again, it’s not consistent and because of the fine motor stuff it’s not always clear. He understands more than he can sign. The main one he signs is ‘Mickey Mouse’.” It was hard not to spot Chloe’s soft smile. “And he can make some sounds now. He can make a ‘m’ and a ’n’ and a ‘b’ but not always clearly. And he says ‘mama’- again, not always to get my attention.”

Beca paused and watched Chloe type. When she finished, the redhead looked up and met her gaze.

“You OK, Bec?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. I… I didn’t want to, like, weird you out with this, but he’s got a new word.”

“Beca, that’s amazing. Why would it be weird?”

Beca shrugged. “His new word is CoCo.”

“Right.”

“It…” she lowered her gaze slightly, scrunching her nose and speaking hesitantly. “It’s his way of saying Chloe.”

Chloe gasped. “Serious? Oh, that’s so cute.”

“Really? It… it doesn’t weird you out?”

“Of course not, Becs. It’s sweet.” Chloe paused for a moment, before looking at Beca. “My grandpa used to call me CoCo.”

Beca shrugged. “I mean, it’s not that clear. It’s kind of like kuh-kuh but…”

“Stop.” Chloe said gently. “It’s amazing. Don’t downplay it. It’s okay.”

Beca nodded. Chloe looked pointedly at her, the same way she had done for so many years. Chloe knew her emotions, her reactions, and could predict how she would feel in most situations. Clearly, time had not taken away that skill.

“Thank you for helping me.”

Chloe took her empty glass to the sink and leaned against the cabinets for a moment. “It’s OK. I… I weirdly had fun. Like, it was nice to do something together. And…” she took a breath, “I guess it’s helped me understand Lennon too. So thanks” she looked up at Beca, “for letting me in.”

Beca smiled. She knew not letting Chloe in had never really been an option. The times she had shut her out had led to heartbreak worse than the end of any relationship. Even small fights had been unbearably painful.

“Becs, you’re an amazing mother. I… I love seeing you with Lennon. I love seeing you fight for him and…” Chloe sighed. “You’re stronger than you know.”

“I know. It’s just hard sometimes. And now he’s going to school and I’ve got other people to take some of the strain, it’s somehow even harder because I have to learn how to be me again. I… I have to learn how to be Beca the producer and Beca the musician and not just Beca the mom.” She took a breath. “Sorry. I don’t know where that came from.”

Chloe shook her head, looking knowingly at her friend. “Don’t apologise. It’s good that you can say these things out loud. I… I think I understand, too. I’m learning to be myself again. Chloe the vet. Chloe the animal therapist. Chloe the business owner. Chloe the person. Not a half of something with someone else, but a whole me.”

“Just the way you are.”

Chloe chuckled to herself. “Corny.”

Beca smiled. “I know. I…” she paused, watching Chloe. She was lighter, somehow. The hurt in her eyes already seemed less apparent. Maybe it was the light, or the hour, but Beca didn’t feel so nervous to be around her. Maybe it was because she knew, now, what had happened. “Hey Chloe?”

Chloe looked up. “Yeah?”

“I… I don’t want to, like, impose or anything” Beca tapped her fingers nervously on the surface behind her, “but, if you’re ready, I think Aubrey would really love to hear from you. Just… maybe it would help?”

“Yeah.” Chloe’s tone was timid. Beca shuffled back slightly, unsure if she had overstepped. Chloe took a deep breath. “Do… can you give me her number?”

Beca tapped on her phone, gesturing to Chloe’s as a message came through.

“Thanks.”

There was a brief moment of silence. Beca had no idea how to fill it; no idea of what she wanted to say. She felt a rush of relief when Chloe spoke first.

“I should get going. I’ve got work tomorrow. But… let me know when you’re free this week, OK?” She paused as she got to the front door, phone in her hand. She held it up. “And thanks for Aubrey’s number. I… I think you’re right.”

Beca leaned against the door as she watched Chloe leave.

“Drive safe.”

“Sleep well.”

Beca walked back into the kitchen and picked up the folder of documents she had been compiling ready for the IEP. She smiled to herself as she acknowledge how _normal_ it had felt having Chloe Beale in her home. How _normal_ it had felt to share this moment with her.

She shook her head, trying as hard as she could to feign blissful ignorance and push down any acknowledgement of the way her heart raced in her chest.

It’s just Chloe, she told herself. It’s just excitement because she’s back.

It’s just…

Chloe.


	19. Come Together

The hospital was never one of Beca’s favourite places. Unfortunately, it had become more of a haunt in her life than she’d ever envisioned it would be. It didn’t seem to matter which department they were headed to, or which city they were in; the walls looked the same, the floors made the same awful squeaking noise and the smell of disinfectant lingered in the air. “OK, buddy. We’re just going to go and see Dr Jessop, get a quick review done and then you can go and hang out with Pip and Nanna for the afternoon while me and your grandpa go and tackle your IEP.” Beca had only had a few hours she could take off work without upsetting her schedule, but she was already regretting putting two massive events on the same day.

“Hi. You must be Lennon.”

Dr Jessop had kind eyes. Beca liked the way she addressed her son first. After all, she was his doctor, not hers. Once she stood up, she smiled at Beca.

“If you follow me, we’re just in here.”

Lennon pulled at the straps keeping him in his stroller as soon as Beca put the brake on.

“Can I…?” She asked, looking expectantly at the pediatrician.

Dr Jessop nodded as Beca bent down to undo the fastening. “He’s welcome to do whatever he likes in here. In fact, I have some toys over here he might be interested in.”

Once Lennon was free, Beca stood back and watched him curiously approach the young, blonde pediatrician. He seemed to be more focused on her and what she was doing than the toys she was putting out on the table. Beca couldn’t exactly blame him; this doctor had an air about her that made her want to get closer and closer…

“So, how have things been since the move? Any key developments?” Dr Jessop’s voice pulled Beca from her thoughts as she helped Lennon put together the train he had selected from the toy box. Despite never having met, she spoke as if they’d known one another for years. It was familiar and comforting.

“A few. He, uh, he said his first word. He said ‘mama’ which was amazing. And he’s saying it more now. He’s doing more things in context, like waving at people to say hello or goodbye. He, uh, he’s getting better at choices when I give him two things to pick from. And he’s picking up on some ASL signs like ‘listen’ and ‘stop’.”

Dr Jessop smiled at Lennon. “Woah. Those are some big leaps for a little guy.”

“You’re telling me” Beca said, feeling the confidence to be honest. “I feel like time is going quicker and quicker every day.”

“Well, it tells me that you’re doing a great job. And it tells me that, cognitively, things are joining together. He’s making connections in his head. It’s a real step forward. If he can link two ideas, that gives him the skills to apply knowledge. It’s the foundation behind things like reading or counting.”

“Just in time for school.”

Dr Jessop nodded knowingly. “Exactly. Now, I know from your previous paediatrician in California that there were some questions about an autism spectrum condition, is that right?” The doctor waited for Beca to nod before she continued. “Could you tell me what sort of things you’ve noticed?”

Beca took a deep breath. It was an overwhelming topic. “Well, he’s very routine-led. And likes things to be very predictable.” She watched as the young doctor took in what she was saying. “He, ah, he seems to be sensitive to light and noise in certain situations. Like, we were at this indoor play area last week and there were a lot of kids and noise and he just… lost it. Ear defenders help a lot but he’ll put his hands over his ears if I forget them.” She watched the way Lennon pushed the train repeatedly around the track. “His interests are pretty limited, too, and he gets fixed on things. Mickey Mouse is a big one at the moment.” Both woman smiled as Lennon looked up. Beca smiled at him. “Did you catch that, bud? Yeah, I’m talking about Mickey.” She lifted her hands to her head. Lennon copied her before tapping his nose. It was his new party piece. Beca couldn’t help the grin on her face. “See, that’s new. I didn’t even know he’d picked up on the sign for ‘mouse’ until last week.”

“It’s great. So, he’s routine-led and has some sensory-based behaviours and fixations. Anything else?”

Beca pulled her phone out of her pocket. “I made a list.” She cleared her throat.

“Go ahead.”

“Well, he sometimes looks at things from the corner of his eye. Or up close. He flaps his hands when he’s excited. And anything unpredicted in his day can ruin it completely.”

The doctor nodded. “Alright. How is he socially? With other kids?”

“Well, he wasn’t great at daycare in LA. He used to hit out a lot and didn’t share. He didn’t understand that they weren’t just his toys. The other kids were wary of him because he throws stuff and can lash out. Not so much now, but I think that’s because he’s not been back to daycare. He’s been at home with one person since we moved. The only time he’s really been around other kids was at the play pavilion and, honestly, until one of them touched him, I don’t think he really registered they were there. It was like they were other objects. He just made a beeline for what he wanted to play with and ignored everything else.”

They spent the next fifteen minutes making small talk whilst Dr Jessop observed Lennon at play and did various assessments without bothering him. She even managed to listen to his chest without disturbing the careful balance in the room. Beca sat back, silently trying to balance her two key thoughts. One the one hand, she wanted to know exactly what the doctor was thinking about her son. On the other, she wondered how inappropriate it would be to ask if she was interested in grabbing a drink.

Beca swallowed hard. She had no idea where the thought had come from. Or why it had to appear at such an inconvenient time. She thought back to the German leader of DSM and the way she had rambled at her, spilling her innermost thoughts at the most inconvenient moments. Something about this woman reminded her of that exact moment. It made her pulse race.

“Beca?”

She looked up, directly into the curious, sparkling eyes of the pediatrician.

“Sorry. My brain was on vacation for a minute there.”

The doctor’s sympathy laugh told her she was barking up the wrong tree if she thought this woman could ever be interested in her. “I think I’ve seen all I need to see. I’ll give you some brief notes now if you like, ready for the IEP, but I think the main takeaway is that it’s too early in Lennon’s development to be able to diagnose an autism spectrum condition. I’d like him to see the geneticist again, just for an update, before we look at any next steps. We need to untangle what can be attributed to his chromosome deletion, what we might link to developmental delay, what might be autism and what is just his personality.”

Beca nodded. “OK. That sounds fair.”

“In terms of his development, I’m impressed. From the notes from California, it’s clear to see his muscle tone is getting there. He’s more dextrous, confident on his feet and clearly pays attention to what he sees and hears. Plus, the fact that he’s making attempts at words and is communicating with you and with people he trusts is a huge deal. I think he’s going to absolutely thrive at school.”

Beca smiled. “Thank you.”

The drive home was quick. Beca dropped Lennon at her dad’s house where Sheila and Pip were waiting to double-team childcare for the afternoon. After a quick kiss goodbye, she held the door open so that her dad could join her and walked back to the car with him.

“So, how was the appointment?”

Beca shrugged. “It was OK. She’s pleased with his progress. Although I don’t know how she can really say that given that this is the first time she’s met him.”

“But, still. That’s good, right? Was she good with him?”

Beca thought back and blushed a little. “Yeah. She was amazing with him. She got the measure of him right away, got the train out and just… it was effortless. I could have watched her all day.”

Dr Mitchell looked curiously at his daughter, noticing her strange choice of words. “Really?”

  
Beca shook her head. “Shut up, Dad. She was just a very… nice person. Anyway” she paused, tongue between her teeth, “I need to get my IEP head on.”

After a double-booking of the meeting space at the school, Beca had offered for everyone to meet at her house. It had meant they didn’t have to change the day (which would have been a huge inconvenience with work) and it meant that she would hopefully be more comfortable since she’d be in her own surroundings. Thankfully, Pip and Sheila had offered to watch Lennon (Sheila had offered, Beca had asked Pip to help mainly to make sure her kid didn’t come back with indigestion) and so everything could go ahead.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had this many people in my house at once.” Beca cringed at how dorky she sounded as she spoke. She cleared her throat, smiling at the various professionals around the table. “It means a lot that you’re all here for this. Thank you.”

Many of Lennon’s professionals had sent over reports from the last time they’d seen him in LA. He had already met his new speech therapist, an older lady called Susan, and Beca had had a Skype meeting with his new occupational therapist, a recent Barden graduate named Yousef, but nobody else had had the chance to meet Lennon yet.

“So, as you know, we’re about to welcome Lennon into the Arbor West family,” Miss Hayes- Katherine as she had instructed everyone to call her since they were outside of school- began, “and this will be his first IEP. The family have moved back to Atlanta from LA and so I know there’s a few people around this table who maybe don’t know Lennon as well just now. Beca, would you mind just… giving us your views on where he is and how you envision his first term going?”

Beca took a deep breath. “Wow, that’s a big question. Ok. Well, Lennon is- as most of you are aware, I hope- a very small little boy. He’s got a chromosome deletion which has affected his development in all areas- the details are in the geneticist report which you’ve all been sent. He’s making progress but it’s slow. I, uh, I saw his pediatrician this morning and the feedback is that they’re pleased that he’s getting stronger and that he’s starting to communicate more. There are still questions about autism but he’s not at the stage where the doctor would be happy to diagnose anything formally.” She paused, looking around at everyone making notes.

“And is there anything in particular you’d like us to focus on when he joins us, Beca?” Miss Hayes looked up from her notepad. “Or are there any aspirations you’d like to share?”

“When I think about him at school, I still get quite overwhelmed. Like, it’s hard to imagine. But I think he’ll be happy. That’s my biggest hope, if I’m honest. I just want to him to be happy.”

Miss Hayes nodded and smiled. “That’s great. That’s what we’re aiming for too. Although I would like to use this meeting to bore down into some of the details. Beginning with strategies and targets for his speech development. Susan, what are your thoughts?”

Halfway through the meeting, as Beca shuffled on her chair to try and regain some of the feeling in her legs, she wondered how much of the next 14 years of her life would be spent in meetings like this. When she pictured them in the future, the Lennon in her mind was still little. It was almost impossible to envision because whatever she saw was either too bleak or too hopeful. She couldn’t be realistic. The future was still a scary prospect. She had a feeling it always would be.

“Dr Mitchell, do you want to add anything?”

As the meeting wrapped up, Beca had sat as Miss Hayes had called for everyone’s final comments or thoughts. Her dad sat up in his seat.

“I guess I just want to thank you all for coming. When… when you find out your grandchild has a condition like this you feel so alone. It’s a huge thing to cope with and… I’m just so pleased that we’ve got such a team around us. Beca has always called you guys ‘Team Lennon’ and I hope you appreciate that that is how we see you all. I’m just grateful that you’re all working so hard to make his life as easy as possible.”

Beca reached out and touched her dad’s hand, unable to look him in the eye. She squeezed.

Miss Hayes nodded knowingly. “Don’t forget we’re not just here for Lennon. We’re on Team Mitchell.”

The woman’s words hit an unexpected nerve. Beca blinked back sudden tears. “Thanks.”

Once everyone had cleared out, Dr Mitchell began picking up mugs and glasses from the table, loading them into the dishwasher. Beca took a moment to head into her office to collect herself. Something about the way Miss Hayes had spoken to her had resonated and she was struggling to hold it together.

Taking deep breaths, Beca picked up one of the photographs she kept on her desk. A picture of her and Lennon on his first Christmas. It was harder, now, not to notice the ways in which time had changed her. Soft creases around her eyes and lips. The bags she had tried to hide with every concealer on the market were growing darker year on year. Her eyes seemed less blue, somehow, now they weren’t always lined in black kohl. She couldn’t help but wonder what all of those professionals had thought of her when they saw her. Did they judge her? Did they feel sorry for her? Did they think she was out of her depth? Did it occur to any of them that she hadn’t chosen this? That this life, this crazy, upside-down and lonely life, wasn’t part of some five-year plan drawn up on a vision board?

She’d never really even thought about wanting kids. It had just happened and now, four years down the line, her life was nothing like she expected. It was hard, sometimes, not to be angry. Angry that she had to try so hard, angry that she had to fight more than anyone else, angry that time seemed to pass by so slowly and yet so quickly at the same time. The amount of love she held in her body for someone so small was frightening. He needed her to be his everything and she was willing to, but the cost wasn’t something she would know until he was grown. Until the battle was won.

Moving across, Beca ran her finger over the frame holding her favourite photograph from her childhood. Just her, her mom and her dad, sat together by the edge of the water of Lake Ontario, her grandparents’ house in the background.

“You know,” Beca froze at the sound of a voice, jolting momentarily at the shock, “she’d be so proud of you. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve achieved. I think she’d be in awe of the mother you’ve become. You’re his warrior, Becs, the same way she was yours.” Beca smiled as her dad walked closer, placing his hand gently on her shoulder as he stood behind her. “He’s got her eyes, don’t you think?”

Beca smiled at the photograph for a moment, taking a long breath in. “Dad?” She asked, suddenly sounding much younger than her years. Dr Mitchell looked up, prompting her to continue. “When you think about the future, what do you see? For us? For him?”

Dr Mitchell took a moment to think. “I’ll be honest, Bec. I don’t think it’s going to be an easy road. But I think you’ll be happy. And I think you’ll have a life full of love. And music. Lennon’s going to make you smile and make you cry and make you laugh and make you angry and frustrated and you’ll do stupid things because of it, but one day you’ll look back and realise it was all worth it.” Beca leaned into her dad, head resting on his shoulder. He stroked his hand through her hair. “You were as little as he was, once. I held you in my arms until you were too big to carry and then I watched you grow. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy and for you to be loved. That’s all you’ll ever want for him, too.”

Beca nodded, hair brushing against her dad’s stubbled chin. “I think I know exactly what you mean.”

“I’m so proud of you, honey. I mean it.” He smiled at her once more. “I’ll keep Lennon at my place a little longer. Breathe, Bec. You’re doing everything right.”

As soon as the house was empty, Beca pulled out her notepad and sat down with her guitar. Thinking back to the photograph of them all at the lake, a melody began to take shape in her head. Her dad’s words followed, turning themselves into lyrics so truthful and raw.

She sighed as she put down her pencil, looking at what she’d written. One line stood out.

_I’ll hold you in my arms until I can’t hold you any longer. And then I’ll take just one step more._


	20. Peace Train

The café wasn’t as busy as Beca had anticipated, even with the weekend lunchtime rush in full flow. She smiled as she noticed Chloe had found a table in the corner and had put her bag down to mark the space. Someone held the door open and Beca pushed the stroller through, thanking them quietly.

“Hey” Chloe said sweetly as Beca lifted Lennon into the high chair she had found while she had been waiting. “How are you?”

Beca smiled. “I’m good.” She kicked the back of the stroller and folded it expertly, before storing it behind her against the wall. “Busy week?”

Chloe nodded. “Oh, for sure. I… I’m sorry this was so last minute. I wanted to see you but work’s been a little crazy. We’re getting ready for all the kids to go back, plus I’m still doing at least three shifts a week at the emergency clinic downtown.” She paused. “Anyway, shall we get little man some food before we get talking? I want to know all about the meeting.”

“Sure.” Beca took the menu Chloe was proffering and scanned it quickly. “OK, dude. What do you feel like eating?” She pulled the iPad out of her bag and tapped away before holding the screen in front of her son. “Pasta” she pointed, “or a sandwich?” She paused for a second, pushing the longer waves off her son’s forehead.

“Which?” She prompted.

  
Lennon tapped his lip with his hand before tapping on the screen and pushing the iPad away, head turned as far away from Beca as possible. She noticed Chloe’s grin and shook her head.

“He’s grumpy today” she explained. “And probably hungry. What… what are you getting? I’ll order.”

Chloe paused. Beca noticed the way she scrunched her nose. “Oh.”

Beca raised an eyebrow. “Problem?” She asked lightly.

Chloe shrugged. “No… no, ah, it’s fine. I just… I was going to pay. I invited you, so…”

Beca noticed how twitchy Chloe had become and smiled. “Well, that… that’s really kind. If you’re sure?”

“Of course I am.”

Chloe went up to order and Beca spent the few minutes alone watching Lennon. The cafe wasn’t somewhere they’d been before; Chloe had suggested they meet there because it was just about halfway between their houses. In case of any meltdowns, Beca had triple-checked that she had reinforcements; headphones, the iPad, a spare Mickey doll and (just in case) his Kmart coupons.

“You ok, buddy?” She asked gently, watching him as his chubby fingers pinched Mickey’s tattered left ear. “Food will come soon. I… I’ll get your drink.” Beca reached down into her bag and pulled out one of his training cups, holding onto the handle as Lennon reached out to hold it. He tipped it back with her help and she smiled. “Good job”. She put it down on the table, just far enough out of the way so that he could see it to ask for it but not throw it, as Chloe returned.

“The guy on the counter is just making our drinks. He said he’ll bring them over in a moment.”

“Thank you.” Beca noticed how Chloe’s eyes drifted over both her and Lennon. “What?” She asked, calling her friend out. “I can feel you staring.”

Blushing was an instant reaction. Beca noticed how Chloe looked away. She shrugged. “Sorry. It… I’m still getting used to seeing you like this. You know, with a son.” Beca smiled gently. Chloe continued. “So. How did the meeting go? Were his teachers and stuff all ok?”

“Yeah, they were cool. It’s a good start, anyway. And, ah, they seem to all be on the same page as me and my dad.”

“That’s good.” Chloe’s smile reached her eyes, which creased at the corner, revealing the light lines that had developed there over the years since college. A waitress approached with a tray of drinks and placed them down. Chloe thanked her quietly, before passing Beca her glass.

“So,” Beca took a sip of her drink, “speaking of parents…” she paused, watching for Chloe’s reaction, “did you call Aubrey?”

Chloe shook her head. “No. No I…” she took a breath, “I think I need time to, you know, prepare. Before I do. Call her, I mean. I, I think I need to write a list of all the things I want to say but work has been so busy that I haven’t been able to give myself that.” She exhaled. “I know she’s waiting, but I need to be kind to myself. I can’t rush it.”

“I know exactly what you mean.” Beca gave a knowing smile. “It’s hard when it’s been so long because you don’t know what to say. But, who knows, one conversation later it could be her sat with you in a cafe having lunch.”

Chloe glanced down for a moment and took a shaky breath. Beca gathered her fingers into a fist under the table, squeezing and fighting the urge to reach out.

“How’s work?” Beca asked abruptly. The change in subject caused Chloe to turn her head.

“Sorry?”

She blinked. “How’s work? I… I know you said you’d been busy.”

Chloe smiled. “It’s good. Hard but good. Running a business by yourself is one thing, although I have to say Penny has been amazing at coaching me through it, but I’m still a locum on the equine rotation for the district and it’s vacation season so I’ve been in at least three times a week. I actually got a call out to the zoo last week to help their on-site vet with a zebra who had gone lame.”

“Woah. So you’re seriously running a business and still a vet? Chloe, that’s nuts.”

Chloe nodded. “I know, but I’ve got to practice to keep my registration. Plus, the business side of things should get easier once I’ve done a full financial year and know my way around everything.It wasn’t supposed to be a thing, really, but Penny saw the value in what I’d done for my thesis and it seemed a waste not to take her up on her offer to pay for me to do the training course, especially after everything…” She shrugged. “I like being busy. Less time to think.”

“You sound like me senior year” Beca quipped.

“At least I’m not keeping it a secret” Chloe said with a smile, tilting her head and poking her tongue out, “like some people.”

“Hey. I was stressed, ok? Although, looking back, I don’t think I knew what stress even was then.”

The food arrived and Beca set Lennon’s plate to her side, spearing some of the pasta she’d ordered for him before holding out the fork for him to take. She took a quick bite of her own lunch before helping him put the food into his mouth.

“Talking of stress” she said as she watched Lennon chew, “why did I order him pasta? What was I thinking?”

Lennon hummed as he chewed, red sauce already smeared around his lips. Beca leaned in and wiped it quickly with a napkin.

“I think you picked well” Chloe said as she speared some of her own onto her fork. “Is it good, mister?”

Over the years, Beca had perfected the ‘one for you, one for me’ technique of eating with Lennon. She helped him eat a mouthful of food before quickly taking a bite of her own, all the time watching to make sure he was chewing. She didn’t notice Chloe was watching until she spoke.

“Becs, let me feed him. You eat.”

Beca looked across at Chloe and blinked. “Oh… ok. Are you sure?”

Chloe smiled softly. “Yeah. Yours will get cold otherwise.” She took the fork Beca passed her. Turning, she smiled at Lennon, opening her mouth in time with his as she guided the fork into his mouth. “Good job, Lennon. Good eating.”

Beca smiled, taking a slow sip of her drink as she watched Chloe chat with her son. It felt so bizarre, even still, to have these two people in the same space. At the same time. Together.

“Oh, you’re so cute” Chloe said gently, “and you’ve got the same curls that your mommy refuses to admit she has. But we both know, don’t we? We’ve both seen the bits at the back that spring up in the shower. The bits she doesn’t always remember to straighten out when she ties it up?”Lennon tilted his head slightly, taking another bite. “Is that tasty?”

Beca tried her best to ignore the rush of emotion she felt as she watched Lennon make eye contact with Chloe. She tried, but the moment froze and she found herself stuck, blinking, just watching on.

“Hello” Chloe whispered, almost imperceptibly quiet as Lennon reached out. Chloe took his little hand in hers, thumb rubbing gently over his fingers. She glanced down and put another piece of pasta on his fork, holding it up for him to take. “More?”

There was a moment of quiet as Lennon took the fork and Chloe helped him angle it towards his mouth. As he began to chew, Beca’s attention was drawn to the song that had just started playing. Chloe looked across at her, eyebrow quirked, and smirked.

  
“Stop it” Beca said, trying to hide her grin, “stop smiling at me like that.” She pulled her arms around herself, “God, it reminds me of when you all crowded me on the bus to make me join in singing with you.” She paused, listening to the track. “Wait, that was this song, wasn’t it?”

Chloe nodded and began mouthing the words. Beca rolled her entire head, turning dramatically away from Chloe. “I swear if you start singing…”

Chloe laughed. Loudly, for a moment, before remembering she was in public. “Ah, Becs. Some things never change. It’s always been so easy to rile you up. You know, Stacie, Amy and I had basically turned it into a competitive sport by the start of senior year.” Beca turned back to face her, blinking.

“Sorry?”

“Amy always won, though. Well, apart from the one time you walked in and found Stacie using one of your new mixes to do a …”

Beca held her hands up in defeat. “Alright. Let’s not forget there’s a child present.” She sighed. “Did you really used to do that on purpose?”

Chloe nodded. “We’ve all got to get our kicks somehow, Becs. And you were such an easy target.” She looked at Lennon for a moment, his pasta now forgotten. She reached down and swapped his plate for the book Beca had placed on the table. “Your mommy thought she was so tough. We both know, though, don’t we? We both know she’s a nerd with a…” she leaned in to Lennon and whispered just loud enough for Beca to overhear, “a _heart.”_

Beca gasped dramatically, the smile on her face wide enough to put an ache in her cheeks.

Chloe turned her attention back to Lennon, wiping his hands. “If they could see you now…” she began, but stopped herself.

Beca tilted her head. Blinked. “Chloe?”

“Sorry. I… I realised I don’t know if…” she paused, tapping her fingers against her glass. “Have any of the others met him before?”

“Aubrey. On FaceTime. That’s it.”

“Oh.”

Beca couldn’t help but look confused at Chloe’s reaction.

“I just…” she began to explain without her having to ask. “I thought maybe they’d…”

Beca shook her head. “Chlo, I disappeared too. I don’t, ah… I don’t talk to them anymore. Not really. I mean, I’ve seen Em once and I had dinner with Jesse but none of the other Bellas know anything about my life anymore.” She paused, glancing at Lennon. “When I found out I was pregnant, I only told my family. I… I eventually told the Bellas but only because Sheila had told a couple people at Barden and word had got out. Then, ah, when he was born they got a photo but, since then, nothing really. I… I posted a couple photos on Facebook a few weeks ago on a whim but that’s the first they’ve seen or heard from me in years.”

The admittance, the honesty, made Beca’s hands tremble.

“Why?”

Chloe’s question hit her hard. Beca paused, scraping her teeth over her bottom lip.

“I don’t think I have an answer” she said quietly. “It’s been hard, you know, learning how to be a mom. Learning how to be _his_ mom. I never did share very well anyway but this…” she sighed. “This felt like it was too big for the group chat. I never found the right moment to say ‘oh, remember that kid I had? Well, turns out he’s got a deleted chromosome and he’s tiny and he doesn’t sit up or walk or talk or crawl or any of those baby things you expect and- oh, by the way- he also probably has autism’.” Beca let out a long breath. “I didn’t want sympathy. Or help. I just… I didn’t know what I wanted. I still don’t. So I never told them.”

Chloe’s hand stretched out into the middle of the table. Beca pulled her own fingers back in anxious anticipation of the redhead trying to hold her hand. She didn’t. Her hand simply spread out on the wooden table top.

“What about me?”

“Hm?”

“What do you want from me? Like, what do you need?”

Beca shrugged and looked honestly at Chloe. “This is good. Just… I like this. Whatever this is.”

Chloe’s eyes met hers for a moment as she smiled. “Me too.”

Lennon stretched out his arms towards Beca and whined. Taking his cue, she stood up and unclipped him from his harness, pulling him onto her lap as she sat back down. Leaning in, she kissed his temple.

“I wish I didn’t have to go to work this afternoon” Chloe said as she watched Beca play with Lennon’s Mickey doll. “I kind of just want to carry on hanging out.”

Beca smiled. “That would be cool. Although we have a hot date with a new occupational therapy program this afternoon.” She looked up at Chloe and smiled. “Such a glamorous life.”

“Hey,” Chloe said after a moment, “there’s an outdoor pool with a nice section for kids at my apartment complex. If you’re free tomorrow, maybe we could check it out? I remember you saying how much he likes water so…” Chloe paused. “Unless you’re, I don’t know, busy with someone else. That guy from the coffee shop or…”

Beca chuckled. “Jeremy? He’s gay. And married.” She paused, staring at Chloe. “Did you think we were on a date when you saw us?”

Chloe shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know. You hadn’t mentioned anyone but I know how good you were at keeping things private before so I didn’t want to assume.”

“Well, no. There is no… secret person. And I’m free tomorrow. You’ll have to give me your address, though.” Beca slid her phone across the table.

Chloe tapped her address in quickly and handed Beca her phone back. Standing, she slipped her bag onto her shoulder. “I’d better get going. I’ve got x-ray results waiting for me.”

Beca smiled. “Well, it was nice to see you. And we’ll see you tomorrow.” Leaning closer to Lennon, she got his attention. “Can we say ‘bye, Chloe’? Can you wave?”

Lennon lifted his hand. “Bye bye” Beca said, trying to get him to wave. “Bye, Chloe.”

“Co… co co.”

Beca couldn’t help but grin as she watched Chloe’s reaction to Lennon’s tiny voice. It was hard not to notice the sudden glassy sheen in Chloe’s eyes. Beca smiled and, before she could second guess herself, winked at the redhead.

“See you in the morning, CoCo.”


	21. Steel and Glass

“Good morning to you, good morning to you! Good morning, Mister Lennon, and how do you do?” Beca sang gently to the tune of ‘happy birthday’ as she greeted her son, gently stroking the hair off his face as he blinked his eyes open. “Hi there. Did you have a good sleep?”

Lennon grinned and stretched, arching his back up off of the mattress. It wasn’t often that Beca got to witness the slow moments as her son awoke anymore; it reminded her of when he had been a tiny baby, sleeping in a side-by-side crib attached to her bed in their tiny apartment in the city. In the calm of the early morning, he was still so much like that baby; wide, wonder-filled eyes and soft, chubby cheeks and hands that reached out to grasp her and pull her in close until there was no space between them. Beca smiled and brushed her nose against his forehead, before pressing her lips to his skin.

“Come on,” she held out her arms as he started to really wake up, little legs hovering off the side of his bed, “shall we go to the bathroom? And then I think we’ve got two very hungry cats to feed and, dude, I bet they’re pissed that you slept until seven thirty all by yourself!” Standing, with Lennon on her hip, she rubbed his back as she walked. He could walk to the bathroom, of course he could, but she loved the warmth and softness of him in the early morning and it was going to take more than logic to stop her carrying him and holding him close.

“OK, bud. So we have, like, two hours before we need to get ready to go see Chloe at the pool” Beca began to explain once they had made it downstairs. Weekend mornings were always a mix of domesticity, play and rest. Lennon could, with the right array toys available, keep himself entertained for long enough for Beca to get a few select chores done, as long as he was in her eye-line. “And we desperately need to do laundry.” Beca paused, looking at everything she needed to carry into the garage. Basket of laundry, Lennon’s milk and breakfast, toys. It would be easy to just run out and do it, but Lennon’s love of anything that could spin meant that laundry day was a special treat.

“You’re gonna have to walk, buddy. But be careful, OK? Slowly.”

Somehow, Beca managed to balance everything whilst holding onto Lennon’s hand. They made it into the garage and she set a few toys down on the ground. Lennon, banana in hand, immediately began to explore. It gave her a chance to load the washing machine. She had ordered a fancy front-loading one when they moved; Lennon had developed a weird obsession with watching videos of them on YouTube and it felt like a sensible purchase for a mom of a child who went through a significant amount of clothes each day while he learned to use a spoon to feed himself. Whilst Lennon was occupied with his toys, Beca reached behind him and took Mickey. Leaning close, she sniffed and wrinkled her nose.

“Yep. Looks like Mickey’s going for a swim today, too.” She shook her head, realising Lennon wasn’t listening and the joke was all for her. “Such a nerd, Mitchell.” She put the toy in to the washing machine and added detergent before pressing it ‘on’. Immediately, Lennon moved to sit squarely in front of the rotating drum, humming and clapping to himself, the half-eaten banana still in his hand. Beca smiled and pulled out her phone, filming a quick video. It felt strange, still, but the urge to share was almost ever-present. She opened her messenger app and sent the picture to a few select people with the caption ‘Lennon’s happy place.’ It was only once she’d pressed ‘send’ that she realised that Aubrey and Chloe were now on her list of regular contacts.

Beca knew she was smiling. She couldn’t help it. In her mind, she tried to convince herself that it was just the whole ‘having friends again’ thing that was making her grin so wide, but the argument she would have with herself was futile, especially when Chloe responded simply with three blue hearts and her pulse began to race. She had really missed her.

“Alright, I think… we’re here.” Beca glanced behind at Lennon, who had been in a really good mood all morning. She smiled at him. “Shall we go see CoCo? Shall we go swimming?”

Beca hadn’t ever really pictured where Chloe lived. She knew she lived in an apartment, but the topic had never really come up. They’d had bigger things to talk about and, when small talk had been necessary, they’d stuck more to pets than to houses. Beca recognised the neighbourhood they had driven into; it was close to the university Chloe had attended for her final year of vet school and Beca knew the emergency veterinary clinic was a short drive away. She hadn’t been in the neighbourhood often, but Stacie had definitely had a boyfriend who lived close by and- if Beca’s memory served her correctly- Cynthia Rose had attended Gambler’s Anonymous meetings in a building just off the main street. The apartment complex was modern and private, with huge iron gates giving it a sense of security. Beca understood why Chloe, unsure and vulnerable as she tried to finish vet school in a new state as a single woman, would pick somewhere like this to live.

“You made it” Chloe was practically bouncing by the time Beca made it into the building and up to her front door. She dropped to her knees and greeted Lennon at his eye level. “Hello, mister. Are you ready for some fun in the sun?”

Beca shook her head as Chloe stood up. “You know we’re Mitchells, right? ‘Fun in the sun’ is distinctly more of a Beale trait. We’re a pale folk, Chlo. Pale.”

Chloe smiled. “Well, this Florida girl is ready to go play.” She paused, looking at the amount of stuff Beca was holding. “Is there anything you need to do first? Or anything you need me to carry?”

Beca shrugged and pulled the bag onto her shoulder. “It’s just the usual stuff. Towels. Sippy cup and a spare. Snacks. Extra clothes for both of us. Rash guard and another hat because he will throw at least one in the water. Headphones in case there’s loads of kids…”

“Do you have lotion?”

“I do. I, ah, I already did his first layer- I’ve learned to do his before I get dressed because it’s a messy business. I might need your help to do a second. He’s in a weirdly compliant mood, though, so we might be ok. We’ll see.”

Chloe smiled. “Cool, well I’ve got my keys and a towel so I think I’m all set.”

Beca looked at her and shook her head. “Oh, those were the days.” She glanced down and then back up, thinking for a moment. “I, ah, I’ll just take him to the bathroom before we go anywhere if that’s OK?” Chloe nodded.

“It’s down the hall. First door on your right.”

It was only a few minutes until they both re-emerged. “Alright, let’s go.” Beca paused and wiggled her fingers into Lennon’s hand. “Ok, bud. We’re going to the pool now. Lennon is going swimming with mommy and Chloe. Hold both our hands, please.”

It took longer than expected to get down to the pool. Lennon was drawn to everything on the way and Chloe couldn’t help but indulge him. Beca didn’t mind one bit, it was really cute to see the way he tried to communicate, to have a moment to truly watch how he interacted with other people. She couldn’t ignore the rush as she watched him try and form a ‘point’ with his hand; something they had been working on for over a year now.

  
“Ok, this is where it’s going to get interesting” Beca could already feel Lennon pulling as they got close to the water. “If you take my bag, I’m just going to…” Chloe slipped Beca’s bag off her shoulder and watched as she scooped Lennon up onto her hip. He was still craning forward, whining and pointing to the water. Beca leaned in close and kissed him. “Soon. One minute. We just need to get you ready.”

Beca shouldn’t have looked up. She should have known better than to glance up at the exact moment that Chloe Beale pulled off her sundress to reveal her floral bikini. Beca blinked, hoping she could blame her blush on the sun.

“Becs, is he ready?”

  
She cleared her throat and nodded as Chloe gestured to Lennon, who was dressed in his Mickey Mouse matching rash guard and swim short set. Beca had slipped a float jacket over his head; she’d bought it for him when she found out just how much he loved leaping into water and making a splash.

“Yeah, he’s good. Just… give me a moment to…” Beca paused, hands on the button of her jean shorts. “Go ahead. I’ll join you.”

She watched on as Lennon took Chloe’s hand, letting her lead him. She could spot the exact moment he saw the water, the exact second he realised what was happening. She saw his arms flap, the hand not attached to Chloe moving at such a pace it was a blur to the naked eye. She saw him lurch forwards, pulling Chloe with him. And then she heard the splash.

Beca held her breath, only exhaling when she heard giggles.

“You could have warned me!” She laughed out loud as she saw Chloe, Lennon now on her hip, her hair completely soaked, wiping excess water from her eyes.

“Sorry.”

Beca kicked her shorts off her legs and stood up to pull her t-shirt over her head, revealing the simple black one-piece swimsuit she was wearing. As she turned around, she noticed Chloe blink and then look away. There were still very few people around, but she wrapped her hands self-consciously around her torso as she moved. Trying not to make eye contact, Beca walked to the steps of the pool and descended into the pleasantly cool water.

“You OK?” Chloe asked as Beca waded closer to where she was stood with Lennon on her hip.

Beca nodded, looking around as she noticed the new voices of another family who had come out to enjoy the pool. “Yeah. I… I’m good.” She paused, smiling at Lennon. “Shall we try some actual swimming, bud?”

Beca quickly found herself being pulled towards the shallow kid’s pool where, at the deepest point, water lapped around her calves. Lennon set himself down and began to splash. Beca pushed his hair off his face, turning his baseball cap backwards to hold it in place, and watched closely to make sure he wasn’t drinking any of the liquid.

“Looks like he’s having fun” Chloe approached them, pulling herself sleekly out of the main pool to sit next to Beca on the edge. She paused. Beca didn’t follow her urge to fill the silence, instead just taking a moment to watch how Lennon covered the jet with his hand, before pulling away and watching it spurt out with a look of absolute joy on his face. “Can I take a photo?”

Beca turned to face Chloe, trying to keep her eyes at face level. “Ye… yes” she said, finally registering what her friend had asked her.

Chloe went off to get her phone. Beca watched her walk, eyes drawn to the bright pattern on her bikini and the way she moved so confidently given she was wearing so little.

She smiled to herself as she realised that this was the Chloe she remembered. Unabashedly comfortable in her body, unapologetically herself in spirit and mind and entirely confident about all of it.

“Cute.”

Beca’s head swivelled. She hadn’t realised Chloe was back until she sat down next to her, phone in her hand. She leaned in and showed Beca the picture she’d taken, close enough for her hair to brush against her shoulder.

“Like it?”

Beca nodded, trying her best to ignore the competing needs to both move into Chloe’s space and to move away so that she could breathe. “Yeah. You can see how much fun he’s having.”

Lennon rose to his feet and began to walk towards them. Beca pushed herself off the edge and moved to pick him up. He immediately began to struggle, until she moved further into the water of the main pool where he could float.

Beca leaned back, holding Lennon’s hands and laying him out flat on his front. He rested his chin on the water and she pulled him slowly around in a circle. She then pulled him closer, pressing their noses together and gasping, before letting him float away slightly and then repeating herself. Lennon giggled every time.

“OK, that’s adorable.” Chloe held out her phone for Beca to see. It was hard to make out in the bright sunlight, but she could see that the redhead had snapped the moment she and Lennon had touched noses. “I’ll send them to you later.”

The pool began to get busy later in the morning. Lennon had stayed fairly entertained by the kiddie pool section and the fun jets and sprays but other parents were placing their children close by and Beca knew time was running out.

“OK, let’s get you a drink.” She picked Lennon up just as a particularly friendly baby tried to crawl into his personal space. Walking over to the sun loungers where Chloe had left their stuff, she settled him down and pulled out one of his cups. She helped him hold it and encouraged him quietly as he drank. “Good job.”

Chloe sat down next to Beca on the lounger, brushing her wet waves off her face. “Too many kids?” She asked perceptively. “I noticed you freeze up when that lady put the little crawler that close.”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. To be fair, he had the kiddie pool to himself for almost an hour so I can’t complain.” She paused, looking at Chloe and smiled. “Thanks for inviting us, by the way. It’s been really nice. And I know this guy has-” she lunged forwards, taking the cup from his hand before he threw it, “-had fun.”

“Good save” Chloe said with a light laugh. “I was going to offer to make you lunch but I’ve been on weird shift rotations this week and have basically no food. So, unless you like possibly expired kimchi or dry lentils, we’re going to have to forage.” She paused. “Or we could walk to Publix and have a free sample picnic?”

The free sample picnic had been one of the many traditions of a Bella road trip. When driving to competitions, with very little money to spare, they would often pull up in their bus outside of supermarkets in obscure towns to buy lunch. Very quickly, they had realised that they could avoid having to pay for anything and just eat samples as a meal. Plus, if you were lucky enough to be teamed with either Chloe or Stacie, the ‘one per customer’ rule seemed to go out of the window entirely thanks to their shameless flirting.

“Lead the way, Beale” Beca said once she was dry enough to slip her shorts back on. She paused and turned on her heel. “Although, actually, I should lead the way to my car first because that’s where the stroller is.” They walked to Beca’s car, Chloe carrying her bags, and quickly slipped Lennon into the familiar seat. Beca took a fancy organic snack bar and unwrapped it, snapping it in half and putting one piece in each of his hands. “Don’t judge. It’s organic and for toddlers. He’ll have real food for dinner. Veggies and all.”

Chloe shook her head and smiled. “No judgement here. I’m impressed you packed something.”

“I have learned my lesson many times over. Hanger is a real emotion and, turns out, little children get it even worse than I do.” Chloe winced, earning her a soft jab to the rib. “Shut up.”

By the time they had made their way around the store, Beca couldn’t deny she felt sick. The mixture of sweet and savoury at random intervals wasn’t something she was used to anymore. Plus, having been out in the Georgia heat in the middle of the summer was catching up with her. Or at least that was what she chose to believe was the explanation for the whirring feeling building in the pit of her stomach as they had walked the aisles close enough for their hands to brush accidentally on more than one occasion.

“You OK, Becs?” Chloe asked, clearly noticing how she’d stopped in her tracks.

  
Beca nodded and reached into her bag for a sip of water. “Yeah, I’m good.” She glanced down at Lennon and shook her head as she realised he had fallen asleep. “This danger nap will not end well. He didn’t wake up until seven thirty this morning. Somehow I don’t think either of us will be sleeping tonight.”

“Oh-em-aca-gee!”

Beca swivelled and looked behind her at the familiar sound. There was only one person who would shout such a horrific phrase in public. In the middle of the grocery store.

“Em! Hi!”

Chloe seemed to automatically go into ‘performance’ mode, her smile wide but not quite reaching her eyes. Beca fought the urge to take her hand and squeeze it as Emily embraced her in a long hug. As they pulled away, she watched the taller brunette’s eyes flit between them. Beca stepped away slightly, realising just how close she had been standing to Chloe. She didn’t let herself question why now, only a few more inches away, the distance felt strange.

“I… I can’t believe my eyes” she continued. “Gosh, it’s been years. Well, not since I’ve seen you, Beca, but… wow.”

Chloe swallowed thickly. “It’s good to see you, Emily. Like, so good.”

Lennon stirred in his stroller, turning his body slightly and whining. Emily’s eyes glanced down and her hands reached up to her mouth. “Oh, I’m so sorry for being over-excited and shouting. I didn’t realise he was…” Beca braced herself for whatever euphemistic term Emily was about to use, “sleeping.”

Beca breathed out as subtly as she could. “Yeah. We’ve been to the pool this morning so he’s a bit tired.”

Emily nodded. “Bless him.” Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Beca watched as she pulled it out. “Sorry, I should take this. But… let’s catch up soon, yeah?”

Beca watched as Chloe let out a long exhale as soon as Emily was out of sight. Reaching out, she placed a protective hand on her shoulder. “One down” she said gently, “eight more to go.”

Chloe was quiet as they walked back to her building. Beca kept Lennon in his stroller, simply following the redhead as she led them home. They somehow made it up the one flight of stairs without disturbing Lennon’s slumber and, as Chloe held the door open, Beca pushed the stroller into the apartment and put on the brake before taking a seat on the couch.

“She doesn’t know, does she?” Chloe asked almost as soon as the door was closed, leaving Beca tripping over the ‘are you ok?’ she had been about to ask. “Emily. She doesn’t know about…” she tipped her head towards Lennon.

Beca shook her head. “No, I told you. I didn’t really have the words so I just… said nothing. Classic Beca.”

“And now? She’s here, Bec. You’ve run into her more than once.”

The sigh that came out of Beca was uncharacteristically loud. “I worry about what people will say when they find out. If I’m… can I be completely honest?” She waited for Chloe to nod before she continued. “I guess I just… it’s not just about him having special needs or about his chromosomes or whatever. It’s the whole thing. Even when I first found out, I worried about being judged. Judged for keeping him. I don’t think people understood why- after a one night stand- I’d made that decision. And then I walked away from Khaled and his team because I was scared about how they’d deal with it. I left them before they could mess with my contract; nobody would want to see me out in the club at 2am in a maternity dress. I walked away for self-preservation and I went back to Sammy because I knew I could trust him. I didn’t know Theo well enough to make a choice about him so I just… left. And I don’t think people understand why I’d make a decision like that.”

Beca turned her thumb between her fingers. “Even though it all happened nearly five years ago, I still feel judged all the time. It’s like today.” She watched as Chloe’s expression changed. “It’s not bad, it’s just… seeing you in swimwear. Seeing you watching me in swimwear. It’s hard not to compare. I know I’ve changed. I know I look different now and I just…” she sighed, knowing she was rambling nonsensically but unable to fight the urge to get it all out. “I hate not knowing what people think. I hate the idea that people constantly judge me for who I’ve become.”

“Do you want to know what I think?” Chloe asked gently. She didn’t wait for a response before she continued. “I think that it’s obvious what a great parent you are. I think everyone can see how well you understand your child.” She leaned in slightly, hand on Beca’s forearm. “Becs, nobody looks at you and makes the judgements you think they do. All they see is someone trying their best” she waited for Beca to nod, to give her a sign she was listening before she continued, “and, unless they need their eyes testing, I’m pretty sure they’d all think you looked hot in that swimsuit, too.”

Beca didn’t dare look at Chloe. She didn’t want to see the sincerity in her eyes that she knew was there. She didn’t want to know what her face looked like in that moment. As she stared at the worn, patterned rug on Chloe’s floor, she heard the redhead move. Closer. Into her space. When a warm hand settled on her shoulder, she took a sharp breath in.

“Anybody who looks at you and sees anything other than beautiful isn’t worth your time.”

Beca tried her best to forget the words before they even entered her head. Turning to her friend, she plastered on a smile. “So, any more trips to the zoo planned for this week?” Changing the subject so abruptly was all she could do to ignore the thundering in her chest and the words now slowly imprinting themselves into her memory.


	22. Watching the Wheels

_She called me._

Beca took a look at the clock and slipped her phone into her pocket.

“JJ, I’m taking an early lunch break. Back soon.”

She walked out of the office and paced quickly to the exit, bracing herself for the wave of heat that clashed against the cool of the air conditioning she had been surrounded by since 8am that morning.

“Ugh, it’s like getting off a fucking plane” she grumbled to herself as she walked around the building to the small expanse of green, making a beeline for the cabin in the corner. As soon as she had a cold brew (with extra ice) and whatever their salad of the day was in her hand, she found somewhere quiet to sit. The salad went into her bag for her to eat later and she took a sip of her coffee as she listened to the sounds of her phone dialling a now-familiar number.

“Hey.”

“She called you?” Beca couldn’t keep herself from exploding the moment Aubrey answered the phone. “When?”

She could almost hear the way Aubrey rolled her eyes. Too much enthusiasm, clearly. “She called this morning, actually. Before work.”

“And how was it? How…” Beca sighed, trying to formulate words that made sense. “What did you think?”

“I think,” Aubrey began, “that she sounds just like Chloe. Our Chloe.” Beca smiled softly but let the blonde continue. “It was weird for a few minutes but then it was like no time had passed.” Beca nodded. She knew that feeling better than she cared to admit. “She told me about him, by the way. How he…” Beca had heard Aubrey get angry many times; most of them had involved her. She had never heard her like this. The hurt underlying her tone almost broke Beca’s heart. “She has never deserved anything more than for someone to love her just as she is. And he knew that. He knew she had a heart of gold and he…”

“I know” Beca said in a voice barely louder than a whisper. “I can’t imagine someone seeing her and ever wanting to hurt…”

For a moment, neither woman spoke. Beca picked at the skin on the side of her thumb as she tried not to let herself dive too deep into the pool of anger threatening to boil over.

Aubrey cleared her throat first. “But we’re here now. And, as guilty as we both probably feel for having not been there, we still love her. I think that’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a good thing. I… I’m just glad she called you. It’s like you said, she was always our glue.” Beca took a sip of her drink. “Are you ok? I know her story is a lot to deal with.”

Beca heard Aubrey sigh. “I’m alright. It… it hurt more knowing we could have been there. That we could have done something to prevent it.” Beca thought back to the moment she watched Chloe and Chicago kiss for the first time and, for a moment, let herself imagine running up and pushing them apart before their lips had a chance to meet. “But we have to be grateful that she’s here and that she was strong enough to move forward and that she’s still the Chloe we know and love.”

“Well, she’s been back in my life for less than a month and yesterday me and my kid were invited to go swimming with her and somehow ended up in the grocery store while she flirted for free samples. And she’s already turned up unannounced at my house more than once. Which, yeah,” Beca paused, indulging herself in the memory of the Chloe Beale she had met all those years ago, “she hasn’t changed much.”

“I missed her so much” Aubrey admitted quietly. “I… I guess I’d sort of given up on the idea of seeing her again. Of the idea of it being the same. But there’s something about Chloe that just…”

Beca didn’t need Aubrey to finish her sentence. She understood.

“Come and visit” she said before she realised what she’d offered. “I… I mean…”

“Really?” Aubrey spoke gently. “That… that would be really nice. I guess it feels like the right time to re-live some of the glory days now the captains are all back on board.” She paused. “I mean, I’m not suggesting a full reunion or anything.”

“God, no” Beca scoffed. “I mean, we saw Legacy in the grocery store yesterday so maybe we could arrange something with her? But, no. That would take a lot more planning and I think Chloe would freak out. I mean, I think I’d freak out, too. And I just… I can’t imagine any of them meeting Lennon. I mean, you’ve sort of seen him now and Chloe’s amazing with him but…”

“I saw the photo”. Beca paused, trying to work out what Aubrey was talking about. “Of you two in the pool? Chloe sent it to me.” Beca tucked her hair behind her ear. “Motherhood suits you. And he’s very cute. But I get it. It would be too much. For all of us, probably, if we’re being completely honest.”

_Being completely honest._

The words hit Beca harder than she’d expected.

“I know. I… it would be nice to see you, though. Properly, I mean.”

“You too.”

It took Beca a few moments to understand why she was suddenly so nervous at the prospect of seeing Aubrey again.

Beca Mitchell had never been a liar. It had never been in her character to blindly say things that weren’t true. Sure, she had told the odd mis-truth as a kid when she had ‘forgotten’ her homework or ‘definitely’ liked her friend’s new hairstyle, but she didn’t out-and-out lie. No, Beca wasn’t a liar. She just preferred to bury the truth sometimes. Ignore it, rather than cover it up. She was an expert at avoiding confrontation, she had been since her parents’ messy divorce when she was ten. She’d become an expert in compliance; internally seething while nodding her head and saying ‘it’s fine’. As a kid, the consequences had been minimal. She’d built up her walls and defences and lived her life comfortably within them. As an adult, Beca had learned that the truth could not be hidden forever. Secrets were just as toxic as lies. Some people even believed them to be the same thing.

One of those people was Aubrey Posen.

Beca had called Aubrey because she had needed someone honest on her side; someone who could help her navigate a life that now, once again, included Chloe Beale. She had called Aubrey because she understood people; understood Chloe and (as much as she hated to admit it) she understood Beca, too. She saw the walls Beca had constructed and respected them as much as possible. She hadn’t taken a wrecking ball to them (that had been Chloe), but had instead- over the course of many years- simply installed a couple of windows.

Beca was in charge of whether she opened the curtains, though. Or so she liked to think.

Walking back into her office, Beca set down her bag and sighed. Her brain was a mass of conflicts and unanswered questions. And now she had invited Aubrey to come and witness that for herself. In person.

It had been a stupid, impulsive decision. One that would require Beca to fix some shit before the blonde arrived because, as much as the windows were a metaphor, there was no doubt that Aubrey could see into her soul.

“You busy?”

Beca looked up and smiled as she noticed it was Sammy resting against the door.

“Not at all. Come in. Everything alright?”

Sammy leaned against the desk, legs crossed at the ankle. “Fine, fine. Just wanted to check in. And I’ve got an offer for you.”

Beca quirked an eyebrow. “What kind of offer?”

“Don’t panic” Sammy said quickly, noticing how Beca’s shoulders had risen almost to her ears. “I heard back from my guy at Sony about the Calista album. They like it but they have some notes.”

  
“Of course,” Beca opened her laptop and paused, waiting with her hands on the keys. “Go on.”

Sammy turned to face her. “OK, so here’s the thing. They like the songs. They like the mix. But the vocals on some of the tracks aren’t to their taste.” Beca nodded. She had known Bargain Basement Beyoncé wouldn’t cut it as a featured artist, but the project had been on a tight schedule and she hadn’t had much choice. She’d even ended up recording some of the backing vocal harmonies herself just to get it completed on time. And on budget.

“Sure. So do they have a suggestion for a new vocalist or is the idea just to mix the shit out of it until people are so confused that they just assume it sounds good?”

Sammy shook his head. “They want you to sing on it.”

Beca almost laughed out loud. “You told them where to stick that idea, right?” She paused, watching Sammy’s unchanging expression. “Come on, man. You know I only did that shit for Khaled because it was in my contract to feature. I was just… placeholding on that demo they heard. I thought Calista was going to pull in someone like, I don’t know, Dua Lipa. Sigala. Someone else. Not me. My job is to make it sound good from behind the desk. That’s why you hired me.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. You’ve heard it from enough people now that I know you know you’re talented. Just… say yes, OK? So I can get Sony off my back.” He paused. Beca bit her lip. “Look, I’ll make sure it’s all watertight. I don’t want you committed to anything. But” he looked at her pointedly, “if you’ve got a foot in the door with a label like Sony, with a guy like Trey, and you’ve got Calista on your side, it might make your own stuff more marketable. Which means more creative freedom.”

Beca couldn’t respond. Her mind was racing ahead, taking anxieties about her own sound being rejected and throwing them in the way of her thought process. She blinked, trying to calm her breaths and avoid panicking. She didn’t need this now. She needed some quiet to just… think.  
  
“What is your face doing?” Sammy asked. “It’s gone all long. Stop biting the inside of your cheek and use your words, Reggie.”

It was becoming more and more obvious that the only person who had any respect for her walls was Beca herself. She brushed her hair off her face and blinked, looking at Sammy’s cheek instead of his eyes. “I just… I know I’m here to work on club tracks and mixes. I know that’s the point of my job. But…” it never got any easier to be honest, she thought, “but I want to write and sing my stuff my way. If I’m doing it, actually writing music for me to perform or record or whatever, it’s coming from my heart and I’m not going to hide or pretend I’m not who I am. I… I don’t want my truth to be shifted to make it sound good if it’s going to lose its heart.” Sammy nodded. Beca groaned. “Can you stop looking at me, please?”

“I’m just pleased you’re taking it seriously.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to. But I’ve got a lot to think about and, I hate to admit it, but you were right about music being cathartic. Plus, I’m getting better at sharing.”

Sammy scratched his temple. “You know,” he smiled, “it would be so much cheaper for me to just pay for a course of therapy or something.”

“I don’t need therapy” Beca bit back, harsher than she’d have liked.

“Oh, Reggie. Everyone needs therapy. It just comes in different ways.” Sammy walked to the door and paused with his hand against the wall. He turned back to face her, looking directly into her eyes. Beca fought the urge to look away. “I’m calling Trey and saying yes. We’ll talk contracts next week.”

Beca walked into her house to find Pip sat at her laptop in the kitchen, Lennon in his seat with an array of fruit in front of him.

“Don’t judge. It was a face. Now it's… cubism.”

Beca laughed and shook her head. “I’m not judging. How was he?”

“Fine. We hit up the park again and then he just wanted to swing all afternoon. He does have a little boo-boo, though. He tripped and landed on his elbow.” Pip lifted Lennon’s arm to show Beca what she meant. “No tears.”

Beca nodded. “Aw, bud. Did you fall down? Oh, you were so brave.” She walked around the table to kiss his temple. Immediately, he reached out and grasped at her with his strawberry-coated fingers. Pip carried on talking as Lennon pushed his nose to Beca’s temple.

“By the way, I wanted to ask you something. How come your diary has been half blocked out by Sammy for the next week? I’m trying to book in those meetings you asked about but the guy needs to come down from Ohio and so he needs an afternoon ideally.”

“I can work around him. Just… the blocked out bits are studio time for the Calista album. As long as there is a studio available for me to use, I can be flexible.”

Pip nodded and began to look down at her computer. After a moment, she glanced up at Beca. “I thought you’d got the album signed off?”

Beca shrugged. “We got it signed off from Residual’s point of view. Unfortunately, the buck doesn’t stop with me on this one. Sony came back with notes. They didn’t like the featured singer on two of the tracks. And they’d kind of earmarked those songs for single release.” She paused, helping Lennon pick up a stray blueberry and put it into his mouth. “They, ah, they want me to re-record them.”

Pip grimaced. “Ah, man. So more time in the studio with that woman who can’t riff to save her life?”

“No” Beca chuckled. “No. They, ah, they’ve asked me to sing on it. To feature.”

Pip’s eyes widened. “Serious? That’s so cool.”

“It’s certainly something” Beca shrugged. “I think I need some time to figure it out. But Sammy thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Mama”. Beca’s attention was drawn back to Lennon.

“Are you all done? Oh, you did a good job. Would you like to get out?”

Beca leaned down and released Lennon from his harness, lifting him onto her hip. She smiled at Pip, watching as the young blonde packed up her laptop.

“Hey. I… I know there’s only, like, a few days left before this little man goes to school and you can get back to doing the job you’re paid to do.” Pip looked up at them both. “So, I was thinking- if I can persuade my dad to sit- could I take you out for dinner? Just to say thanks. For everything.”

Pip smiled softly. “That would be really nice. You know you don’t have to, though, right?”

Beca shrugged. “I want to. You’ve been…” She paused, blinking. “You know what? I’ll save the toast for dinner. Just let me know if there’s anywhere in particular you want to go and I’ll get my PA to book us a table.” She winked. Walking to the front door, she held onto it as Pip left the house. “Have a good night. And thank you.”

Setting Lennon down, Beca smiled at him. “Well, bud. Today has been a day! Mama needs to get this weird energy out. What do you say to a dance party?” She quirked an eyebrow. Lennon blinked at her. She smiled. “Alexa, play ‘Guilty Pleasures’. And turn the volume up.”

It was when the house fell into silence- after Lennon’s bedtime- that Beca’s mind began to unravel.

She was restless, unable to keep her hands or her feet still for more than a few moments at a time. Picking up her phone after having just put it down, Beca tried to find something mindless to stop herself from thinking.

_How was your day?_

Beca shook her head at the message that came through. “I wish I could explain it” she said out loud. She opened the messenger app and tried to send a reply. Nothing she wrote made sense. Sighing, she tapped the back of her phone case with her fingers and counted to three.

_Can you come over?_

_On my way._

“Hey. Is everything OK?” Beca opened the door to find Chloe stood in her front porch, eyes wide with concern. “It’s just… your message didn’t really tell me much. Is Lennon OK?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. I…” She hadn’t noticed her hands were shaking until now, “I’ve got a lot on my mind and, well, you were always really good with dealing with me when I’m like this so…” She shrugged. “Sorry. I… I just needed to talk to a grown up and you happened to send that message and I…”

Chloe walked into the house and slipped off her jacket. “Talk to me, Becs. What’s happened?”

Beca led Chloe into the kitchen and filled the kettle. “It’s a bit of a long story. I… Can I start at the beginning?”

“A very good place to start” Chloe said with a wink. Beca decided to ignore her; it was bad enough that she understood the reference.

She took a breath. “So, when I moved back here my contract with Residual Heat was to take the lead on a new project. It’s, uh, a joint venture with Sony. They’re basically trying to form some kind of female musical collective and it’s all being executive produced by Calista, who is one of those people you think you don’t know but in the last two days you’ve probably heard about eight songs she’s written. She’s a powerhouse. Anyway, we had a featured artist who was brought in to sing on a couple of the tracks- mainly to gave her a chance to sing for some of the execs at Sony. Well, they didn’t like what she did. So I have to re-record two entire tracks. Both of which they’re hinting at releasing as singles.”

Beca watched Chloe’s expression as she listened. Blue eyes met hers when she paused. Chloe gestured for her to continue.

“So?” She prompted, when Beca stayed silent, busying herself instead by putting tea bags into two mugs she had got out the cupboard.

  
She shrugged. “So, today, Sammy told me that Trey- the main guy we’re working with at Sony- heard the basic ass, stripped-down demo version I recorded with Calista literally the first week I moved here and liked it better. And now he wants _me_ to be the featured artist and sing on the actual record.”

Beca looked up at Chloe and tilted her head, waiting for her response. She wasn’t expecting Chloe to laugh.

“Becs, I feel like I’ve got deja vu. We’ve been here before.” She walked closer, taking the now-boiled kettle and pouring the water into the mugs, before passing one to Beca. “You are much more talented than you give yourself credit for. What’s holding you back? Is it not what you want?”

After a long breath in and out, Beca blinked. “I’m not sure what I want. I… Sammy and I have been talking about me maybe making something- I mean, like, a record, not a collage- to send out to a couple of labels, but that didn’t work out last time and I…. I’m worried that stepping back into the studio and recording properly and getting my name out there will be too much with Lennon and with…”

Beca stopped as Chloe placed a careful hand on her forearm. “Becs, look at me.”

Beca blinked once more before finally letting her gaze settle on Chloe’s deep blue eyes.

“It’s two tracks. That’s it. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.” She paused and took a sip, smiling gently at Beca.

A slow fizz started in her chest, pushing a feeling of electricity out into her fingertips. Feeling herself wanting to move closer, wanting to step into Chloe’s space, Beca turned her head away and looked out the window. She sighed. “I know. It’s just… I don’t know if it’s the right choice. I… I’m comfortable with what I’m doing. I like producing. This was what I always wanted to do. I had my time on stage before with Khaled and, yes, I liked getting to sing in the studio and I liked that the label let me do live mixes and DJ sets, but since Lennon I… I’d kind of put all of that behind me.”

“Just think about it, Becs. Sometimes, the risk is worth taking.” Chloe smiled. “Anyway, what can I do to take your mind off it? How about we dig out some old episodes of Law & Order and laughevery time they try to look badass while answering a flip phone?”

Beca knew she couldn’t say no to Chloe’s pleading eyes. Softening, she nodded and let the redhead lead her into the living room. Chloe picked up one of the cats to make space, before settling with the grey fur ball on her lap.

As Beca turned on the TV, she glanced across the room. Noticed the way Chloe sat so delicately, hands brushing through Stevie’s grey fur. Noticed how soft and dewy her skin looked; how her hair glowed in the dim light. How her lips separated slightly as her tongue came out to brush over them.

The urge to kiss her came out of nowhere.

Beca coughed. Loudly.

“You ok?”

Beca nodded and handed the remote control to Chloe. “Just gonna get some water.”

_It’s just because she’s here again. You’ve only hugged her once. You used to cuddle all the time. Maybe your mind is just confused._

_It’s Chloe._

_It’s just Chloe._

Beca set the glass on the side in the kitchen and walked back to the living room, trying her best to control her breathing. Settling into the armchair in the corner farthest away from Chloe, she caught her eye and smiled.

“Everything OK?”

“Yeah, did you pick an episode?”


	23. How Do You Sleep?

Morning always came too quickly for Beca’s liking. She had never had a great relationship with her body when it came to sleep, sometimes spending hours frustratedly still awake and blinking at the ceiling. Always, the morning arrived too fast.

When Lennon was in a particularly snuggly mood, she could ply him with toys or books and pull him into her bed with her for a blissful extra few cosy minutes. Sometimes, he would lean into her, thumb in his mouth, and rest against her body as she stroked his hair. Sometimes, Beca thought, it was as if he could sense she needed it. That the cuddles were all for her.

“Oh, you are in a gorgeous mood this morning” she whispered to him as she held him close, breathing in the heady scent of sleep from the top of his head. “I love you, baby.”

Lennon simply cuddled in closer, thumb between his lips, and reached out for her.

In that moment, the urge to snap a photo to send to Chloe hit Beca. Hard.

She bolted upright. Lennon’s eyes widened and she pulled him to her. “Sorry, bud. I didn’t mean to startle you.” She held him to her chest, rocking slightly back and forth to soothe him. Blinking to adjust to the morning light, she took a deep breath in and out.

There was a _feeling._ A sensation in her body that seemed to wash over her whenever she thought about Chloe. It had happened the other evening when she had been over, but it wasn’t new. It was a feeling Beca had felt before. She’d felt it sometimes in New York, on lazy mornings like this one. She’d felt it after their ICCA win when their eyes had met across the crowded stage. And she had felt it, maybe stronger than ever, after their final performance together. The performance after which she had watched the redhead follow a suited soldier out of the venue. The performance after which she had stood back and watched as they had kissed.

She hadn’t been sure at the time whether the queasy sensation was adrenaline or residual nerves. Now she was convinced it was something else entirely.

Like jealousy.

“Mama.”

Beca took a quick, deep breath, her nose whistling, and held out her hand. “So, dude. We’ve got some arts and crafts to do this morning. But first, I think pancakes would be a great start.”

It wasn’t exactly clear at what point in her thirty one years on the planet Beca had completely lost her mind, but the evidence was certainly stacking up. How, in any version of her life, she had ended up in a place where she was voluntarily doing crafts with glitter, sequins, coloured paint and a four year old boy was beyond her. Yet here she was.

“Okay” she turned around with a grimace, noticing the way Lennon’s eyes lit up at the sight of all the shiny things. “We’re going to be sensible about this. Methodical. One thing at a time. Everything just out of your reach.” Beca pushed the bowls to the end of the table and sat down, putting a large sheet of paper in front of Lennon.

“Alright, Picasso. Which paint? Blue or yellow?” She held up the bottles and waited for him to make a choice. Squirting a little onto a plate, she helped him scoop some onto his brush and let him go crazy. She had looked for ideas on Pinterest, but the realistic part of her knew she was wasting her time. Firstly, she was never going to be the kind of parent who forced their kid into producing cutesy images with finger paint so that she could draw on them and make some kind of twee pun. And, secondly, Lennon’s artwork was more… abstract. Contemporary. She wasn’t about to hold him back from expressing himself. Even if it meant her entire kitchen was covered.

There were three different colours splattered on the page before Lennon’s hands finally smacked against it. The gleeful sound was irresistible. Beca simply smiled at him and reached for her phone to snap a couple of photographs as he smothered the colours into one another.

“Alright. Now we’re talking.” Leaning closer to him, she grabbed another of the bowls. “And, since grandpa is the one giving you a bath tonight, how about some glitter?”

With the painting finally drying in the corner of the kitchen, Beca cleaned up the table and wiped Lennon’s face and hands. How he’d managed to get that much paint behind his ears, she wasn’t sure. She pulled out the card she’d folded ready to cover it with Lennon’s artwork and walked into the living room, sitting cross-legged in front of the coffee table.

“What the fuck do I write?” She said quietly to herself as she tapped the pen against the table. Looking across at Lennon, who was laid on the couch with his Mickey doll on his head, one black ear flopping over his eyes, she smiled. “Can you even see?” She leaned close and lifted Mickey’s ear. “Peekaboo.”

Lennon giggled.

“More?” She paused. “Can you say ‘more’?”

“Mmm.”

Beca smiled. “More.” She exaggerated how her mouth moved.

“Moh.”

“Good boy!” She leaned close. “Peekaboo!”

They were still giggling together when Dr Mitchell walked into the house an hour later.

“Hello?” He called out.

Beca sat up and flipped her hair back. “Grandpa’s here” she said to Lennon with a smile. “In here, Dad.”

“Wow. Looks like someone’s had a fun day!” He gestured to the state of the living room. And his grandson. Bending down, his arthritic knees clicking, he picked up the card Beca had intended to write. “Is this for anything, Becs?”

“Yeah. I…” she checked the time, “I should probably write that before I get ready.” She held out her hand for her dad to pass it to her. Picking up her long-discarded pen, she sat for a moment.

_Dear Pip._

_Thank you for looking after me and taking me to the park. I have had so much fun with you. And thanks for playing me that awful pizza song. My mommy loves it when it gets stuck in her head._

_I’m so very lucky to have met you. You are one of my favourite people ever. Thank you for understanding me._

_Lots and lots of love,_

Beca paused and smiled. “Hey, come over here.” She held out her arms as Lennon walked towards her. Pulling him into her lap, she took the cap off the pen and put it in his left hand, wrapping hers loosely around it. “Can you write your name for Pip, buddy?”

The scribbled lines were tentative at first and Beca ended up giving him more help than she’d anticipated, even just with holding the pen. Still, once it looked like he’d finished autographing his work, she put the cap back on the pen and patted his butt to get him to stand up.

“I just need to stick the painting on the front of this and put it in with the rest of Pip’s gifts and then I’ll go and get ready.” Beca paused as she watched her dad cautiously approach the edge of the couch where Jett had taken up residence, noticing how he pushed the cushion she was sat on rather than attempting to physically move her. A sensible choice. “Will you be alright? I don’t think it’ll be a late night. I’m driving so I’m not drinking or anything.”

Dr Mitchell looked up at his daughter and smiled. “Becs, we’ll be fine. We’ll have loads of fun. You go get ready.”

Standing outside of Pip’s door, Beca adjusted her shirt.

“Hey.” Pip opened the door.

Beca pulled the bouquet of flowers from behind her back and held them out. “I feel like I’m taking you to prom” she said as her young blonde PA gestured for her to come in. “Home alone?”

“My roommate is still at work.” Pip quickly filled a vase and put the bouquet in it. Beca handed her a gift bag and a large envelope. Pip’s eyes narrowed. “What is this for?”

Beca shrugged. “To say thank you. None of what you’ve done for us in the last three months was in your job description. And I just felt that needed to be recognised. Anyway, I’m going to feel awkward if I stand here and watch you open everything, but the card is pretty special. I mean, it’s not up to your standards but we had fun.” Beca nodded as Pip pointed to the large envelope.

“Aw, that’s so cute. I love that you can see his little handprints in the paint” Pip said as she admired the card.

“Dad’s in charge of bath time today. And I didn’t warn him that we’d been playing with glitter so I hope he doesn’t disown me when he finds out. ”

Pip smiled. “Poor Dr Mitch.” She opened the card and took out a large slip of paper before reading ‘Lennon’s’ message. Turning her attention to the paper, she unfolded it and gasped.

“Beca! You. Did. Not.”

Beca grinned. “I think you’ll find I did.”

“How did you know?”

“Well,” Beca smiled as she slid her hand into her pocket and retrieved her car keys, “my YouTube recommendations were my first clue. Lennon can’t type and the search history was… enlightening.” She loved watching the blonde squirm. “And, then, JJ let it slip that you were the one with the password for our office playlist. And that playlist is not subtle, fangirl.”

“So you…” Pip looked back down at the printout, “got me front row tickets. To see Drake.”

“I should be able to get you a meet and greet too, if you want. Sammy definitely has contacts.”

Pip didn’t speak. She just launched herself across her kitchen and pulled Beca into a tight hug.

Beca patted her back a couple of times until she stepped away. “Anyway, let’s go eat. Emotions make me hungry.”

The restaurant wasn’t one Beca had been to before, but Pip had booked a table there since it was one of her favourite places.

“I can’t believe you lived here for four years and never came to Peachtree. This place is legendary.”

Beca shrugged. “We were college students. Unless it was for, like, a competition, we barely ventured off campus. In my freshman year, my nutrition came mainly from the huge box of fancy Korean instant ramen my roommate gave me after I DJ’d at the KSA winter mixer.”

Pip grinned, taking a sip of the glass of wine Beca had insisted she order for herself. “Well, you were missing out.” She paused, smiling. It made Beca incredibly uncomfortable; Pip had the same knowing look in her eye that only a select few others had ever given her. Aubrey Posen being one. Chloe Beale the other. “Maybe, now that you’re starting to make friends like an actual human being and not just hanging around with your PA and your dad, you could see a bit more of the city? There are some great places here that I know you’ve never been to.”

“Are you, like, sponsored by the Atlanta tourist board or something?” Beca tilted her head as she spoke.

Pip pursed her lips. “I’m just saying.” She paused, taking a sip of her drink. “And even if it’s not my job anymore, I’m still always on hand to babysit so you can get out.”

“Speaking of someone who needs to get out more,” Beca bit back playfully, “you seem to have an awful lot of free time for someone who is trying to force me to have a social life. What gives?”

Beca sat back as she watched Pip try and formulate an answer. The smugness she felt was tinged with the suspicion that she was essentially looking in a mirror. Until Pip spoke.

  
“I’m not offering you every evening and weekend. I can just be flexible. My roommate works late so the house is empty until about 10 most nights. Sometimes I’ll go out and meet her after to catch a band playing or we find somewhere to dance. And my improv group meet on Thursday nights but we don’t perform every week.”

Beca almost spat out her drink. “Improv? Seriously?” She smiled. “I didn’t have you pegged as such a nerd, Penelope.”

“Says the girl who straight up performed in an acapella group.”

“There is nothing straight up about acapella.”

Pip nodded, her eyes wide, creased at the corners. “Oh, I got that vibe.”

Beca chuckled. “I remember one of the girls, she made us call her Fat Amy, once trying to work out who the token lesbian was. I didn’t say anything at the time because I was a moody freshman and I thought quiet and brooding was, like, enough of a personality to carry me through life, but I remember thinking to myself, ‘bitch, we all know there’s more than one. I mean, have you seen Glee?’ Our group was built on this stupid idea that it attracted strong, musically-gifted, swimwear model-type women. The kind of girls who would be crowned Miss Acapella if that was a thing. The reality was we were even bigger dorks than any of the misfits in my high school show choir. And, like, everyone was at least a little bit gay. You can’t be around that much estrogen for that long and not develop at least one weird crush.” Beca’s mind brought forth the image of the blonde Kommisar from their German rivals at worlds. And the memory of her admitting her sexual confusion at the sight of the woman’s towering, amazonian form.

“And your crush was obviously on Chloe, right?”

Once Beca had stopped choking on thin air, bulging eyes watering, she cleared her throat. “Sorry, what?”

Pip couldn’t answer for laughing. She shook her head, wiping at her own eyes, her other hand lightly hitting the table. Beca could feel herself blushing.

“Come off it, Beca” Pip said, having another mouthful of wine. “She’s model-level hot. You’re telling me you were off singing five-part harmonies, driving across the country in a minivan like the LGBT Von Trapps, and you never once even kissed her? Not even as a dare?” Beca shook her head. “Did you kiss any of them?”

“Nope. My weird crush was… it was this blonde German chick, OK? I still don’t get it. Anyway, I had a boyfriend through the whole of college. And Chloe’s straight.”

“So’s spaghetti until…”

“Okay,” Beca reached out and put her hand over the top of Pip’s glass. “No more wine for you.”

Pip softened her glare as Beca took her hand off her glass. Not breaking eye contact, she lifted it to her lips and took a long drink. “Sorry, touchy subject, I’ll back off.”

The conversation quickly changed to admiring the food as it was set down in front of them. It wasn’t until they were halfway done that Beca brought up the subject again.

“Sorry I went a bit weird about the Chloe thing. It… I’m still trying to wrap my head around having her back in my life at all. I mean, you saw what a mess I was after the night I saw her again. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to compute anything to do with her.”

Pip nodded. “I remember.” Beca took another bite of her dinner. Pip put down her fork. “She’s clearly important to you, though. You were close, right?”

Beca thought back for a moment, smiling at the memory of a much younger redhead grinning at her across an empty pool as she weaved the sounds of Nelly and Bruno Mars together. Chloe had held the faith, had understood her musically, from the very start. And she’d been there through every step of the journey, of her career until- suddenly- she wasn’t. Beca blinked. “Yeah, we were close. We even moved to Brooklyn together after college. And, because New York rent is stupidly expensive, we ended up sharing the same pull-out bed for two years. My back hasn’t been the same since.”

“And you were just friends?”

Images flashed through Beca’s mind. Arms snaking around her as she tried to learn choreography. Those same arms wrapping around her and pulling her close during movie nights. The softness of Chloe’s breath against her neck as they slept, pressed together, in her bed after yet another late-night set planning session. The brush of her hands against her temple as she tucked her hair behind her ear. The whispering touches, fingers barely grazing, as they passed one another on stage. The fizzing sensation every time her gaze met that particular shade of deep blue. The squeeze of a hand in hers, behind everyone else, out of view, as they all embraced as a group for the final time.

“Yeah”, Beca wished she’d taken a taxi so she could order a drink, “just very good friends.” She couldn’t quite meet Pip’s gaze. “Best friends.”


	24. I Found Out

“Tomorrow, I will go to my new school.” Beca shuffled her legs, putting Lennon into a more comfortable position as she balanced the laminated book in her hands. “For the first week, mommy will take me in the car. After that, I will go on the school bus.” Lennon leaned back into Beca and she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “When I get to school, Miss Hayes will be there to say hello.”

“Can you see, buddy? That’s Miss Hayes.”

Lennon’s finger pressed against the picture.

“My teacher’s name is Mrs Camacho. I will be allowed to call her Jackie. There are two aides in my class. Their names are Victoria and Adam. They will all help me with my learning. They will also help me eat my lunch and use the bathroom. I can go to them when I need help.”

Beca turned the page, checking to see if Lennon was still paying attention. They had gone over this same social story every day for at least a week, but she couldn’t help but lean into the bubbling anxious thought that nothing would be enough to prepare him and that he was going to lose his shit within the first few hours of being without an adult he knew well. She wasn’t sure what she was dreading more; the idea of him having a meltdown at school or the idea of him having a meltdown and her not finding out until after the fact. Both prospects were overwhelming.

“OK.This is my classroom. There will be seven other children in my class. They will be my friends. I will have lots of fun at my new school. I will stay all day. Mommy or grandpa will pick me up in the car. When I get home, I can tell them all about my day.”

Beca set the book aside and turned Lennon around to face her. Studying him for a moment, she smiled. “I can’t believe my baby boy is old enough to be going to school. Where did the time go, hm?” She noticed him turning his gaze away from her. “OK, I know you’ve had enough for now. Off you go.” She patted his butt as he stood up and wandered over to the drawers in the corner of the room. Beca was hot on his heels, moving his hands away from the handle. “I meant go and play. Please don’t sit here and slam that over and over. Look,” she picked up one of his Mickey Mouse puzzles, “why don’t you play with this?” She pushed the box towards him. “Lennon do it.”

Lennon pushed the box out of his way and sat himself down once again in front of the cabinet, slowly pulling the drawer open. Beca knew she could step in and stop him. But she was also aware of the consequences. A meltdown wasn’t something she had the energy for. With the phrase ‘pick your battles’ echoing in her head, she tried her best to ignore the sound of the drawer repeatedly being pushed and pulled.

_Hey, are you home?_

Beca squinted at her phone for a moment before replying with a quick ‘yes’.

_Can I come over? Got something for you._

Beca sent a thumbs up before slipping her phone into her pocket. Glancing to her side, she gave Stevie a scratch behind her ear, smiling as she purred and leaned in closer. “Looks like your favourite person is coming over.”

At the sound of yet another slam of the drawer, Beca made a decision. Walking towards Lennon, she scooped him up into her arms. “Let’s go and see what we can find outside. Hopefully nothing that makes that noise.”

By the time Beca heard a car pull up outside, Lennon was picking up stones from the edge of their small lawn and putting them into an old plant pot. There was no knowing where he had found it, but he was quiet and was no longer desperately clawing at her legs to get back into the house and slam his favourite drawer.

“Hello?” She heard the familiar voice call.

Beca walked up to the side gate and pulled it open. “Over here.” She met Chloe’s gaze and smiled as the redhead walked over to her. “Sorry, I meant to text to say we’d be outside.”

Chloe shrugged. “It’s fine.” She looked Beca up and down. Beca stood uncomfortably under her gaze, unsure of whether to move and suddenly very conscious of her arms and hands.

“Stop staring, weirdo.” It was like she had regressed ten years.

Chloe shoved her playfully. “I was just going to say that I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear so much colour that wasn’t plaid.”

Beca looked down at her outfit; a light jumpsuit covered in an admittedly uncharacteristic floral print. She smiled and looked up to meet Chloe’s eye. “It’s comfortable. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s hot as balls out here. And I wasn’t expecting company.”

“It looks good, Bec. I mean, you always look good but… a bit of colour suits you. Especially red.”

The wink Chloe shot her could have been an actual missile from the way Beca reacted. Feeling herself beginning to blush, she cleared her throat. “Can I get you a drink? I’ve got some of that fancy hazelnut cold brew from the deli in the fridge.”

“Perfect.”

Beca slipped into the kitchen and took a deep breath as she picked out two glasses, filled them with ice and poured over the coffee. Before heading back outside, she paused in the doorway to watch Chloe. She had made her way over to Lennon and was sat next to him on the ground, helping him pick out stones and chatting lightly. It was a sight Beca had never expected would warm her heart so much.

“I’ll leave the drinks on the table. Lennon and glass don’t mix.”

Chloe smiled. “Thanks. I… I got you something. It’s in the white bag next to the door.” Beca pointed at it and Chloe nodded. “You can open it.”

Beca picked up the bag and sat down at the table, taking a sip of her drink. She smiled as she watched Chloe walk towards her, leaving Lennon happily pottering around. Beca opened the bag and pulled out a pair of navy blue leggings, a white polo shirt and a blue body warmer.

“So, a friend of mom and dad’s from back home has started a company selling custom equestrian clothing for kids. And, since Lennon will be starting hippotherapy and, well, because he’s got to be the coolest kid there, I asked her to make something for him. And I thought, maybe, it could be a little present for his first day at big boy school.”

Beca looked across at Chloe and smiled, her eyes a little watery. “Thank you. That’s so kind.”

Chloe shrugged. “Any excuse to buy tiny clothes. Oh, also, check out the t-shirt. I got her to do a little personalisation.”

Beca’s thumb ran over the black, embroidered Mickey Mouse silhouette on the pocket.

“Chlo.” She looked up, straight into blue eyes, and blinked back unexpected tears. “You’re so kind. Thank you.”

“Ba-ah!” Lennon shouted loud enough to get the two women’s attention, wandering over with his plant pot full of rocks.

“What did you get, bud?” Beca winced as she looked at his hands. “You’re filthy.” She paused, checking the rest of him. “And there’s definitely dirt around your mouth. Please tell me that’s just from your hands and you haven’t eaten anything.” She took a cursory glance inside his mouth and nodded. “OK, come on. Let’s get you clean.”

Beca turned Lennon around and put her hands on his shoulders to guide him inside. Pausing in the doorway, she looked at Chloe. “I, ah, I could do with some reinforcement if you’re up to it?”

Beca sat Lennon in his chair and strapped him in. As soon as he spotted the washcloth in her hand, he tried to turn his head away. “Oh, let’s not do this” Beca whined quietly. “Come on, dude. Just let me clean you up.”

Lennon reached out and hit the tray table. Beca met Chloe’s eye. “I’ll do his hands first. But then I’m going to need you to hold them so I can clean his face.”

Chloe nodded and stood next to Beca as she carefully took each of Lennon’s hands and wiped the dirt away. Once she was done, she smiled at him. “OK, that was painless. One more and then we’re done.” She rinsed the cloth and mentally steeled herself before turning around. Lennon leaned back almost instinctively and turned his head away. His hands moved out to grab at her but Chloe took them in hers, thumbs running over his clenched fingers.

“Chickity China the Chinese chicken. You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’.” Beca caught Chloe’s eye for a moment, the need to clean her son’s face only just superseding the need for the world’s most intense eye-roll.

“Serious?” She said through the side of her mouth. Chloe shrugged. Lennon was watching her closely, eyes on her mouth.

“It’s working.” She took a breath and smiled at Lennon before carrying on. “Watchin’ X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison, I hope the Smoking Man's in this one.Like Harrison Ford I'm getting Frantic. Like Sting I'm Tantric. Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy. Like Kurosawa I make mad films, ‘kay I don't make films. But if I did they'd have a samurai…”

Beca put the cloth down and lifted Lennon out of his seat. “I cannot believe that, of all the songs in the entire world, you went for a Barenaked Ladies track to sing to my four year old.”

Leaning in close enough that Beca could smell her shampoo, Chloe reached to tickle Lennon and smile at him. “Well, it distracted him. So I think the words you’re looking for are ‘thank you, Chloe’.”

“OK, fine” Beca put Lennon down on the floor, feeling a sense of relief as he found a toy to play with instead of going back to the drawer. “Thank you.” She paused for a moment, looking intently at the redhead. “But also seriously. Thank you. It’s a miracle to come away from cleaning him up with no scratches, bruises or tears.” She smiled and leaned closer to Chloe, nudging her with her shoulder. “I’m also impressed you still know all the words.”

Chloe smiled. “It was in my head. It’s on my driving playlist. Anyway, of course I know all the words. I’d never forget it. Ever. It was one of our cleaning playlist songs, Bec. Do you remember?”

Beca nodded, looking softly across at Chloe. “I remember.”

“Hello? Anyone home?”

“Garden!”

The side gate swung open to reveal Dr Mitchell and Sheila. “Hey, bud. Look. Grandpa and Nanna are here!” Beca bent down to Lennon’s level and pointed to the gate. “Go say hi.”

As Lennon wandered over to where the couple were stood, Beca leaned close to Chloe and whispered in her ear. “Prepare yourself. Sheila’s not seen you for, what, eight years? She’s going to have some questions.” Chloe nodded. Beca grimaced as she watched the redhead take a deep breath. “Feel free to make an excuse and go home if you want. I won’t judge you.”

“Becs, it’s fine.”

Sheila walked over to them and held out her arms. “Oh, wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve set eyes on that pretty face. How you doin’, darlin’?”

The hug was tight enough to make Chloe’s eyes pop. Beca stood back and tried not to smile too wide as Chloe tried to answer Sheila’s question whilst simultaneously being squeezed and rocked from side to side. As Sheila stepped back and Chloe gasped for breath, the older woman’s focus turned to Beca. “Your Aunt Linda gave me that fabric you asked for. I thought I’d get a head start on the curtains for you and take some measurements. We got lunch. And there’s enough for Chloe, too.”

Beca smiled. “Thanks, Sheila. That’s really kind. Uh, I think there’s a tape measure in the drawer under the toaster if you wanted to…”

A firm, coral-manicured hand landed on her shoulder, gold rings glittering. “Don’t worry, hun. I’ve got my own.”

As soon as she had walked inside, floral printed tape measure in hand, Beca’s father approached them both, Lennon at his side. “I told her we should have called ahead. Sorry for disturbing you.”

It was Chloe who reassured him first. “It’s fine, Dr M. We didn’t have plans or anything. I’d only come round to bring something for Lennon.”

“Yeah, dad. It’s all good.” Beca smiled genuinely at her father. “Especially since I hear you’ve got lunch with you.” She glanced down at the bag which was labelled with the logo from the deli on the next street. “Shall we set it up on the table? I’m starving.”

Chloe stayed with Lennon as Beca and her dad put out an array of boxes. Beca watched as she lifted Lennon into his swing seat and strapped him in, before pushing him. The giggles from both of them warmed her heart.

“Becs?”

She blinked at her dad.“Hm?”

“I said, which plate should Lennon use? Also, we need grown-up plates as well.”

Beca nodded. “I’ll help you.”

The pair stepped into the kitchen. Beca gathered everything they would need onto the kitchen island, noticing how her dad kept staring back out into the yard.

“She’s good with him. A real natural.”

Beca nodded. “She’s great with everyone.”

“Especially Mitchells” Dr Mitchell mused. “You and Lennon both have same energy when she’s around. She looks at him the same way she looks at you. And you both give this huge smile back. It feels right, you know. Having her around. I can see how happy she makes you.”

Beca had no idea what to say. Instead, she picked up the pile of plates and walked back out in the garden, hoping for a brief reprieve from whatever weird thoughts her brain was trying to push to the forefront of her mind.

“So, Chloe. What do you do for work these days? I remember Beca saying you’d got into… vet school, was it?”

“Yeah. I’m a vet” Chloe said as she spooned some salad onto her plate. “But I, ah, I also run a business which provides animal therapy for kids and adults with disabilities.”

“Very nice. So is that how you met Beca again?”

Chloe turned to Beca to gauge her response. Beca smiled at her step mother. “That’s the abridged version, yeah. Chloe will be helping when that starts in October. Which will be amazing. And she got him a little outfit to wear for hippotherapy so now he’s going to be the cutest little jockey in all of Georgia.”

Sheila nodded, watching both Beca and Chloe. Leaning back, eyes still darting between the two of them, she put her fork down on the side of her plate. “So, Chloe. Are you seeing anyone? Got a boyfriend?”

Beca tried her best not to respond. She was fairly sure she knew the answer to the question but, in that moment, she realised she’d never asked. She turned to Lennon and fed him a spoonful of his lunch, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else.

“No. No boyfriend.”

“Or, ah, a girlfriend?” Sheila paused. “I know from experience to ask both now. Don’t I, Becs?”

Beca put Lennon’s spoon down and slowly turned her head back towards the other adults at the table. She clocked her dad’s expression, the apologetic look in his eyes, before anything else. She felt Sheila watching her. She couldn’t bring herself to even look in Chloe’s direction.

“Ah, yeah. We’ll make you a woke Nanna one of these days, Sheila.” She cringed. _Woke Nanna. The fuck?_

“Good for you for being inclusive, Sheila.” Beca was unsure if there was a wobble to Chloe’s voice or if it was her own body shaking. She slowly turned around to meet her gaze. Chloe blinked at her before turning back to the older woman with her trademark glossy smile. “But no. I’m single.”

“Shame, honey.”

“Shall we clear the plates, darling?” Dr Mitchell stood up and began piling everything in his arms. He glanced across at Beca and nodded almost imperceptibly. She hoped her eyes said ‘thank you’. Sheila rose and gathered the rest of the dishes in her hands before following her husband.

“Becs, what was that about?”

Beca tucked her hair behind her ear, looking up at Chloe for a moment before turning slightly away, her pulse thundering in her head. “Later, OK? I’ll… I’ll explain.”

“Alright, we’ll see you soon.” Dr Mitchell bent down and held out his hands. Lennon approached him, but stopped short of leaning close. He took his hands. “I hope you have the most amazing day at your new school, mister. Nanna and I will pick you up on Tuesday, okay, and you can tell us all about it.” He pressed a soft kiss to his grandson’s head and stood back up as Sheila had her turn with him. Smiling at Beca, Dr Mitchell held his arms out wide. “Come here.” He held her close and kissed her temple. “Don’t forget to pack tissues in the morning. I know you’ll say you won’t need them, but you’re my daughter and I _know,_ okay?” He pressed his lips close to her ear. “I’m sorry about what Sheila said. I… I told her it wasn’t appropriate. Are you alright?” Beca shrugged in his arms. He ruffled her hair slightly. “Call me if you need me.”

As her dad and Sheila left, Beca turned back with an enthusiastic smile. “Alright. Shall we get the car track out?” Beca busied herself with getting the car track and the box of cars out of the garage and setting it up on the lawn. Lennon immediately took one of the cars and pushed it down the slope. She nodded and gave a lame thumbs up. “Good boy. Good playing.” Taking a deep breath, she turned and looked back at Chloe. Chloe, who was in just the right position that the sun made her hair look like actual copper. Chloe, whose blue eyes just seemed to draw her close. Chloe, who was staring at her impatiently like she was waiting for something.

Waiting for an answer.

Waiting for the truth.

  
Beca grimaced. “Alright. That’s him busy for a few minutes.” She tried her best to fake a level of confidence she was certain she’d only ever assumed on stage. “So, ah… Man, I have no idea where to start with this.”

Chloe looked at her softly, which didn’t help. “You could start by sitting down. Your pacing is giving me motion sickness.”

“Yeah… yeah, sure. Sorry.” Beca sat down opposite Chloe at the outdoor table. “So.”

“So.” Beca was grateful when Chloe took over the conversation. “Sheila asked me if I was into girls. And that was… unexpected. But then you and your dad sort of had this _look_ and I don’t know what that meant.”

Beca huffed. “I think you can guess, though.” She paused, drumming her fingers against her thigh. “Or maybe you knew?”

Did she know? Had she realised?Had she known back in New York when they were sharing a bed? Or before, in the Bella house, when they would snuggle together on the armchair every movie night?

“Becs, can you just… spell it out for me?”

Beca took a deep breath. “I… I can’t.” The words were stuck in her throat. Sighing, she stood up. Chloe echoed her movements, hands on the table. “You know I’m bad at this stuff, man.”

“Becs, please. What’s going on?” Chloe walked around the table, moving to take Beca’s hands in her own. Beca flinched, moving her flat palms to her side. She looked downwards, not wanting to get lost in Chloe’s gaze, and took a shaky breath.“Beca. Talk to me.” A hand reached out and brushed against her shoulder. Her neck. Tilted her head back up. Eyes focused on nothing but blue.

It felt too juvenile to admit she was ‘into girls’. It didn’t feel right. Beca blinked, eyes unfocused, and tried her best to organise her words in her head. She thought back to Jesse, _let yourself fall,_ thought back to Aubrey telling her to be honest and Pip’s reassurances.

Before she knew what she was doing, Beca’s left hand was tracing along Chloe’s cheekbone. She watched as the redhead closed her eyes at the contact. Leaning close, she rested her forehead against Chloe’s and took a shuddering breath. With her eyes closed, she brushed her tongue over her lips.

“I… I’m scared.”

“Don’t be.”

Beca sighed. “But what if I ruin everything?”

“How? Nothing you could say would ruin anything.”

“Even the truth?”

Chloe opened her eyes. “Becs.” Her voice was sterner. Calm. But firm. “What’s going on?”

Beca nodded. She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, and opened her eyes.

“I like girls” _I like you._ “Romantically speaking.” _Seriously?_ “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

Stepping back, she caught the momentary look of disappointment on Chloe’s face before she smiled. Before she pulled Beca into a tight hug.

“Was that it?” She asked after a moment, jiggling shoulders giving away that she was laughing. “Becs, all that drama for ‘I like girls’?”

Beca blinked. “Why? What’s the…”

Chloe quirked her head, looking sincerely at Beca. “I thought you were going to… never mind.”

“No, wait. What did you think I was going to say?”

Chloe Beale didn’t _do_ bashful. Beca knew this. Which was why her expression came as a total surprise. Even as she took a step closer, back into Beca’s space, and dancing fingers clasped around her hand, she looked bashful. Anxious, almost. “I didn’t think you were going to _say_ anything. You’ve always been an advocate for the whole ‘actions speak louder’ thing.”

She leaned in close, resting her forehead once again where it had sat only moments before. Tilting her head, she paused. Beca willed her heart to stop racing. Soft breath brushed against her lips as she felt, as much as heard, Chloe whisper.

  
“You can always be brave with me. Don’t be scared, Becs.”

The rush of air was a shock to the system as Chloe stepped back, the body-sized gap between them suddenly feeling unfathomably wide. Beca knew her eyes were bulging; her fingers coming up to brush against her lip. She blinked as Chloe paused by the fence.

Waiting.

Three steps to the gate.

Two.

One.

“Wait!” Beca lunged forwards. “I… I want…” she paused. Everything was rushing past her now. Thoughts of New York. Of Barden. Of red hair splayed on her pillow. Of certain hands and soft lips and the realisation- ten years too late- that the fizzing feeling in her core hadn’t ever been for anyone but Chloe.

It had always been her.

Her and now him. The only two people she had ever _needed_.

Her and him and nothing else.

“I can’t…” Slowly, Beca looked up. “I… I can’t lose you again. Not after all this time.”

Chloe paused, hand on the gate, and pushed it open. Turning back, she shrugged. “Sometimes, the risk is worth taking.”

The gate closed.

A click. Footsteps. The revving of a car engine.

Chloe was gone.


	25. I Know (I Know)

“Alright, little dude.” Beca crouched down and brushed her hand over Lennon’s t-shirt before kissing his cheek for the tenth time that morning. “I guess this is it. Shall we go inside?”

With his tiny hand enclosed in hers, they took the few steps from the car to the entrance of the school. Miss Hayes was waiting, a welcoming smile on her face.

“Good morning” she said sweetly. Turning to a student beside her, she gestured to Beca. “This is Lennon and his mom. It’s Lennon’s first day in Mrs Camacho’s class. Could you show them where to go?” She glanced up at Beca. Beca swallowed. “We let parents walk the kids into class on their first day. Bailey here knows where to take you.”

Beca nodded and held closely onto Lennon’s hand as they followed the older student through the corridors and to the door of the classroom she had seen on her tour. “This is Mrs Camacho’s classroom” the student said, looking slightly past Beca’s right ear. “Have a good day.”

“Thank you.”

The door opened. “Well, good morning Lennon. And hello again, Lennon’s mom.”

Beca tried to keep her smile. She slipped his backpack off her shoulder and held it out. “Everything he should need is in here. Miss Hayes said you’d want a couple changes of clothes and outfits for swimming and riding. So…”

Mrs Camacho took the bag from Beca and put it down on her desk. She got onto Lennon’s level and took the hand Beca wasn’t holding. “Okay. You look to me like you’re a train guy.” She pulled a toy out from behind her back. “Would you like to come and play?”

Lennon slipped out of Beca’s grasp as he took the train from his teacher. She led him over to the track and showed him how to move the vehicles back and forth. Leaving one of the aides to watch him, she walked back over to Beca. “Alright. We’re going to take it easy today. Mainly just play and getting to know one another. Although I’m sure just the change of pace and new school will be enough to wear him out.” She smiled confidently, a feeling Beca wished she could somehow absorb into her own body. “Can I just check who is picking him up today?”

“Me. I… I took today off. Tomorrow it’ll be my dad, though. You have his picture on file.”

Mrs Camacho nodded. “Perfect.” At that moment, another student arrived at the door. “Oh, good morning Davit! Welcome back. Come on in. I’ve got the bubble tube set up just for you.”

Beca used the distraction to slip out of the room, knowing that staying any longer wasn’t going to help either her or Lennon. He was playing with the train and Mrs Camacho seemed nice enough. She didn’t need to say goodbye. It would be for her benefit, anyway. Plus, she’d done this before, she’d left him at daycare and with her dad and with Pip and…

By the time she slipped into the driver’s seat of her car, her heart felt heavy. Sighing, Beca drove home in silence.

There was a photograph on her phone of Lennon with Mickey in hand, a far-too-big backpack by his side. He looked away from the lens, grinning at the Elmo toy Beca had lifted into the air to get him to stop for long enough to snap a photo. She hadn’t gone for the traditional ‘first day of school’ chart or board; she wasn’t one for traditional anything. Still, she had marked the occasion. The start of a brand new chapter for them both.

It was impossible not to think about the journey they’d been on to get to that point. He had been so tiny and helpless for so long; she had been his everything. Walking into the hallway of her home, Beca paused at the bookshelf and pulled out the photograph album her dad had given her to mark Lennon’s first birthday. She carried it to the kitchen, where she sat down and opened the first page.

He’d been born with a shock of blonde hair that had darkened in a few weeks to the same mousy shade Beca had had as a kid. The same shade she knew she got from her mom. His eyes had been big and blue and, now she thought back, she remembered thinking they reminded her of Chloe. His little hands had grasped out for her and she’d smiled at him and whispered all the things she needed him to know.

She’d be there for him forever.

She’d love him forever.

She was going to make sure the world was kind to him.

She’d told him the same things when she’d been pregnant. When she couldn’t sleep, or when everything got too much, she talked to him. She told him she already loved him. More than he could ever know. She told him how lucky she felt to be his mother. How she was going to put him first. Make things happen for him. Because of him. Because he was her world. Everything else had fallen away, piece by piece, but she had him, all-consuming him, and she knew he’d saved her. Saved her from a feeling of emptiness; a sad, lonely void nothing else had filled.

“Becs, you home?” A light knock came after the call.

Sitting up, Beca wiped at her face. “One second.” She put the album down and walked to the front door. Taking a deep, preparing breath, she opened it. “Hey.”

Chloe stood and assessed the situation. Beca wasn’t sure whether to stand still and let it happen or request that the weird staring stop immediately.

“I came to see if you were alright.”

Beca shrugged. “I mean. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like. I… I’m okay.”

“But you’ve been crying.”

“Well,” Beca smiled gently at the redhead, “surprisingly for you, I do that way more now. It’s not so unusual.”

“To see you cry?” Chloe half-sang and Beca groaned. She smiled.

“Only you.” Beca looked Chloe up and down. “Only you could come into my house, see I’m crying and end up getting a damn Tom Jones song into my head less than two minutes into our conversation.”

Chloe shrugged. “Just another one of my many talents.” She walked into the house proper and slipped off her shoes. “Anyway, are you actually alright?”

Beca nodded and led Chloe into the kitchen. “Yeah. It’s just weird him not being here. I just can’t help but think about how big he’s getting.” She paused, knowing she could be honest. “Plus, it hurts a little that most kids his age can just go to the preschool down the street and he’s…”

“Happy, Becs. He’s happy.” Chloe glanced down at the album. “Is this…” She looked up. “Can I?”

Beca nodded, busying herself with the coffee machine. “Yeah. I was just reminiscing when you got here. I can’t believe it’s been four years. Sometimes it feels like it’s been no time at all and sometimes it feels like I’ve always had him.” With two coffees in hand, Beca turned to Chloe, eyes softly gazing at her. “Shall we take these into the living room?”

The cats left them with little choice but to sit side by side on the couch, Beca curled slightly uncomfortably to avoid nudging Jett’s precious cushion. Chloe propped the photo album up on her lap and turned the pages. “It’s so weird actually seeing you like that” she said, tracing her fingers lightly over a photograph Beca’s dad had taken of her holding him only a few days after the birth.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Beca couldn’t help but notice the way Chloe’s leg was pressed against hers as she turned to show her the picture, “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. I… I guess I’ve probably imagined a few times since we met again what you looked like. What he looked like. What it was like when he was born and…” She paused and took a breath.

Beca couldn’t help the rush of concern. “Chloe?”

Chloe turned to face her, leaning sightly back against the couch cushions, head resting on her hand. “I’d have been there for you every step of the way. If… if things had been different.” She paused, picking at a loose thread on the couch. “I just need you to know that.”

Beca took in Chloe’s words and sighed. _No time like the present to tell the truth._ “I know, Chlo.” The way she said her name so gently caused her friend to look up, directly into her eyes. “But the truth is that, if you had been there, he wouldn’t be here.”

It wasn’t quite the way she had wanted to explain it. Chloe’s nose scrunched in confusion. “Why? What do you…?”

“I was so lonely when I moved away. I was on autopilot and I was exhausted and so, so scared. And I was alone. I didn’t… couldn’t spend time with anyone without missing you. Without wishing they _were_ you. I stopped trying. I just resigned myself to the fact that you were the only person in the world who really understood me and you were miles away. And, then, you were gone.”

Beca turned away and shuffled to get herself more comfortable. “I missed you so much.” She paused and moistened her lips. “He… he’s _here_ because I missed you. I missed parts of you I’d never even really thought about. I missed parts of you I’d never got to… I missed my chance to…”

Beca thought back to the number of nights she’d spent filling her head with loud music and heavy beats and anything to take up space. She thought back to the nights where she had dragged boys, girls, anyone, back to her apartment to continue the party so she could shut her brain off and finally wear herself out enough to sleep. She thought back to how each and every encounter had something in common. Auburn hair. Or blue eyes. Sometimes both. She laughed.

“Becs?” Chloe’s voice gave away her concern for her friend.

Beca turned to face her, eyes sparkling with mirth. “I don’t think we were ever friends, were we?”

“Beca, I don’t… What do you…” Chloe’s head was tilted now, concerned eyes searching for an answer in Beca’s confusing mix of expressions. “Yes we were. Of course we were. Best friends.”

“I think that’s just what we called it because we knew it wasn’t like any other friendship. Ever, really. That’s why it’s so _weird_ to try and just be friends now. I couldn’t see it because it’s just how we’ve always been, but I wanted more. More than I’d ever… more than I’d ever expect a friend to give.” Beca paused, noticing that Chloe clearly wasn’t sharing her epiphany. She smiled and took the photo album, placing it on the coffee table, before taking the redhead’s hand in hers. She took a breath. “I don’t know where all this is coming from but I need to get it out so… here goes.” Beca let herself gaze into blue orbs. _Home._ “We’ve always been so much more than friends, Chlo. It’s not enough to be just friends with you now because we never were. Not really.”

Realisation seemed to dawn on Chloe. “You know, I… I never understood why Chicago would say things about you. He was jealous but I couldn’t figure out why. But now I think… I think I feel things for you. Things that I know he’d be jealous of.” She blinked. “And now you say that to me and I can’t help but ask myself why I wasted so much time this weekend worrying about ruining our friendship? Why…” she licked her lips, “why have I been worrying about this Jeremy guy? Why did I spent the night playing over what could have happened between us yesterday?”

Beca laughed, eyes not really leaving Chloe’s lips. “We should have had this conversation a long time ago.”

Chloe shuffled slightly closer, thumb rubbing over Beca’s hand. “I know. But we’re here now, Becs.” Chloe looked at her, a serious expression on her face. Her eyes said more than her words and Beca understood they were finally on the same page. “I’m not going anywhere… I know I hurt you but I’m here.”

“You didn’t hurt me, Chlo. I did. I chose to do what I did. I hurt me.”

Chloe let a smile grow on her face as she took a moment to let her eyes wander over Beca’s face. “Well, regardless of who’s to blame for the pain, can I kiss it better?”

Beca wanted desperately to say something cool. She wanted to bite back with a line or a quip or… something. Instead, she surreptitiously ran her tongue over her lips as she nodded, letting out a light squeak as Chloe’s lips ghosted against her own for the first time.

It felt strangely normal to be kissing Chloe Beale. Beca wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the fact that, rather than the fireworks she’d anticipated, she was landed with a sense of calm. Completion. Comfort. Reaching out to tuck a loose wave behind Chloe’s ear, she opened her eyes with a soft blink.

“Finally” Chloe beat her to it. Beca couldn’t help her bashful smile.

“Finally” she agreed, taking Chloe’s hand in hers and running her thumb over her long fingers. “So what happens now?”

Chloe shrugged. “I don’t know. My… my imagination never let me get much further than this part.” Beca chuckled quietly. “But I think we should start by doing that again.”

Beca grinned and leaned in closer. Reaching out, she rested her hand against Chloe’s jaw, pulling her gently in until their lips met once more.


	26. It's Real

Beca walked into her office humming quietly to herself. Pulling her laptop out of her bag, she set it up on her desk before unlocking her phone.

One new message.

Chloe Beale.

_I can’t stop smiling._

Beca felt the same pull in her own cheeks as she replied with a simple ‘me too’.

“So, how did it go?”

The door was open, Pip leaning against it with an expectant look on her face. Beca felt her body temperature rising, mind whirring as to how her personal assistant possibly already knew. She cleared her throat and decided that, if needs be, she’d plead the fifth. “How… nothing happened.”

Pip walked into the room, letting the door close behind her, head tilted slightly as she assessed her boss’s strange demeanour. “I was asking about Lennon’s first day of school” her eyebrow lifted as Beca felt her stomach drop, “but clearly something more significant has happen… oh my God!” Pip turned her head to check the door was closed before looking a blushing Beca up and down.

Beca’s pulse raced in her ears. She cleared her throat but it was fruitless. “His first day was fine. His teacher said he did great.”

“Yeah, we’ll get back to that later.” Pip waved a dismissive hand. “What _else_ happened?”

Beca took a breath. She wasn’t used to sharing her personal life with other people. Even when she’d been in college, granted there hadn’t been much to share, she hadn’t volunteered information or gossip to the other Bellas or sat around chatting about who had hooked up after one of their parties. Especially not if Chloe had picked up a guy. The mornings after those nights, she had always stayed in bed until the front door had closed and the squealing and the inappropriate questions from Stacie had finally stopped.

Which, wow. Hindsight really was a beautiful thing.

“Beca, stop spacing out and tell me” Pip said impatiently.

Beca picked up a pen and threaded it through her fingers as she spoke, trying to pay as little attention to the words coming out of her mouth for fear of imploding with embarrassment. “Chloe came over. And we… we, we kissed.” She squinted as she saw Pip trying her best to contain her screech, eyes wide and hand slapping against the surface of her desk.

“I mean, finally.” Pip finally said once she’d got over her initial outburst.

Beca let herself smile. “That’s what we both said.”

“And now?”

_Now what?_ Beca thought to herself. They hadn’t got that far. They’d shared another pleasant moment on the couch until the ringing of Chloe’s work phone had forced them to part with a long, tight hug and a quick peck. It was like Chloe had said, she’d never let herself imagine the aftermath of their first kiss. It had felt torturous to even let herself believe they’d ever even get there. And now they were. And she was a girl without a plan.

“No idea” she said honestly. “I mean, we both kind of acknowledged that there’s no going back from this and that we both wanted it to happen but… we didn’t get a chance to talk before Chlo had to leave and…”

“Ask her on a date.”

Beca looked up. “What?”

Pip rolled her eyes. Beca was unsure she’d ever seen her do it before. “Come on, Beca. That’s usually how these things go. You like her, so you ask her out. I’ll babysit. Just don’t back out and take her to a movie. Pick somewhere you can talk.”

Beca shrugged. “I’m pretty sure a movie is off the table. Not liking films is one of the main tenets of my personality. And Chloe knows that. I… I guess dinner would be a good start.”

“Perfect” Pip nodded. And, in true ‘I’m not-so-secretly-moonlighting-for-the-Atlanta-tourist-board’ fashion, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and began to type. “I know just the place. Does 7pm work for you?”

Beca knew resistance was futile. Instead, she sighed. “It’s probably fine. I’ll check with Chloe later. But right now I need you to help me go over the agenda for the meeting with the guys from Ohio. Also, Calista’s booking in a session for Friday so if there’s anything else in my diary, it’s going to have to move.”

By the time work ended for the day, a nervous feeling had settled in the pit of Beca’s stomach. She had taken Pip’s advice and asked Chloe out on a date that evening, wanting to take advantage of the offer of a babysitter for the night. Of course, Beca knew she could have asked her dad to watch Lennon but she wasn’t quite sure how she would explain the situation, how much Chloe wanted other people to know.

The number of questions spinning around in her head was one of the many reasons why she felt it was important to get Chloe alone, to talk things through like adults without too many distractions. She wanted this, that she was sure of, but what ‘this’ was, she had no idea.

“Mama’s here!” She heard her dad call as she stood outside his front door. “Come in.” She stepped into the house and walked over to where Lennon’s multicoloured backpack was resting against the arm of the couch. Picking it up, she slung it over her shoulder.

“Was pick up okay?” She asked, watching as her dad helped Lennon put his shoes on.

Dr Mitchell nodded. “Yeah. I met Jackie. She seemed really nice. She said he’d had a good day and that she’d email you some pictures at the end of the week. He did have a little pee incident, though, but they changed him and the underwear and his pants are in a baggie for you.”

Beca wrinkled her nose. “Lovely. Did they say why? Did he just not want to go or did someone not take him or…”

Dr Mitchell shrugged. “Not a clue, honey. But it’s all fine. At least he had spare clothes. I can remember picking you up from daycare once and you’d clearly had an accident because when I collected you, you were wearing Muppets jammies that were about three sizes too big.” He pulled Lennon to his feet and checked his shoes were on properly. “It’s bound to happen as they get used to one another. Anyway, he’s exhausted. I’d put money on him falling asleep in his dinner.”

Beca’s dad wasn’t far off. Lennon managed to make it through his dinner but was tired enough that he didn’t want to let Beca go. He had no interest in playing at all and so Beca carried him up to her bed and sat him down surrounded by pillows, Mickey in one hand and his thumb in his mouth, as she tried to pick out something to wear.

“So, I know it’s Chloe but it’s still a date, right? And it’s a nice restaurant so I can’t go looking like… this.” She pulled out a silver jumpsuit and held it up. “Too much?”

Lennon didn’t give much of a reaction but, when Beca looked in the mirror, she knew it was too dressy. Plus, the jumpsuit had been in her closet since she got signed with DJ Khaled so she was fairly certain it wouldn’t fit anymore. Tapping her fingers against the closet door, half an eye still on Lennon, she pondered out loud. “Do you think black is OK? Or, like, is it… dull? I mean, Chloe said she liked me wearing colour but I don’t know if that was just her being a weird flirt. Which is just Chloe every day.”

Her fingers scanned over the many barely worn outfits in her closet until she found one she knew she could trust. A simple, emerald green dress she could pair with any of her jackets and her favourite heeled ankle boots. “Perfect.” Taking the dress out to lay it on the bed, Beca smiled as she realised Lennon had fallen asleep. Scooping him into her arms, she kissed his head and walked quietly to his room. “Sweet dreams, baby boy. I’ll see you later. I love you.”

Beca had left the house on time after giving Pip a flurry of instructions. Lennon had fallen asleep out of routine and he hadn’t been awake to see Pip arrive so he’d have no idea she was there. Still, if he woke up, Beca needed her to take him to the bathroom and change him into a pull-up and his normal pyjamas. As she was practically forced out the door, she managed to holler that Pip could call her at any point and she’d come straight home.

Part of her knew that her nerves for her date were making her panicky and picky. Part of her was rational enough, too, to know that Lennon’s second day at school wasn’t exactly great timing for a first date. And part of her was worrying, however illogically, that a date with Chloe Beale would end badly. Or, worse, it would be weird.

She should have known better to worry about the last one. As soon as Chloe arrived, Beca relaxed. It was the same Chloe she’d always known. Same blue eyes, same bright smile.

“So, did you ask your dad to babysit?” She asked casually once their food had arrived.

Beca shook her head and took a sip of her wine. “Nah. Pip offered. She also booked this place which, I have to say, was better than anything I could have done. Anyway, I didn’t mention it to dad when I picked Lennon up earlier. It just… didn’t feel like the right time. I don’t think I’d be able to answer all his questions.”

“Sure” Chloe said gently. “I’m pleased you’re close now, by the way. I meant to say that the other day. It’s nice.”

Beca shrugged. “It was kind of necessary. I’d been a hard-ass for so long and he hadn’t deserved it. I… I know he was only trying his best. And I think that, at some point, I realised I was holding all this anger towards him but I couldn’t even really remember _why_ I’d been so angry in the first place.” She paused to take another sip. “Plus, he’s amazing with Lennon. And he was so great when he was first born and he was in and out of hospital and having all these tests done. He’s just… level-headed.”

“So he balances you out?”

Chloe’s eyes sparkled as she spoke. Beca couldn’t help but be drawn in. She nodded. “Yeah. He does. As do you, by the way. Dad even said so when you were in the garden. He said you have an effect on Mitchells. Apparently Lennon and I both look at you a certain way.”

“Oh really?” Chloe teased. “I had no idea I had such a magnetism to me.”

It was impossible to fight the trademark eye-roll. “Oh, please. You know exactly how… magnetic you are. I’m basically just a paper clip. Drawn to you.” Beca paused. She had never been able to hide her dorky side from Chloe, but she hadn’t been expecting to say something so _weird_ on their very first date.

“You’re adorable”. The sound of Chloe Beale giggling was one of Beca’s favourite sounds in the world. She hadn’t realised it, but it had been one of the things she had missed the most about her best friend. Her… something more than a best friend. “Becs, is that a Katy Perry lyric?”

Beca groaned. “Why do you always do this?”

“Do you ever feel” Chloe sang quietly, leaning closer, “like a paper clip?”

“I take it back” Beca teased, not moving away from their current close position, “I think dating you is going to be a terrible idea.”

“But you can’t fight it. You’re helpless in my magnetic presence. That’s what you said.”

Beca grinned, deciding to embrace the strangeness of their conversation. “Maybe I’ll write it? Maybe it’ll be my first hit? Paper Clip by Beca Mitchell.”

“As long as I’m by your side to kiss you when you win that Grammy for it, I don’t care” Chloe said gently, eyes glancing into Beca’s as if to check she was alright. “And maybe a writing credit wouldn’t hurt.”

“No writing credit. I said it first. It was my idea” Beca nudged Chloe’s foot under the table. The jolt seemed to shift the mood slightly and, for a moment, nobody spoke.

Chloe took a long drink before looking back at Beca. “So I think we’ve kind of skirted around some stuff” she half-whispered. Beca nodded. “I haven’t done this for a while. A long time, actually, but I think it’s probably a good idea to set some ground rules. Or at least to have an idea of what we both want.”

“Sure” Beca fiddled with the salt shaker on the table. “But, like, I’m awful at this so you can go first.”

Chloe nodded. Beca took a deep breath, unsure of what was about to come out of her mouth. Her experiences with Chloe meant that she was fully aware of the unusual way her mind worked and the shoddiness of the filter that connected her thoughts to the outside world.

“I think dates are a good idea. To help us figure out where we’re going.” Beca nodded. “And maybe, like, we keep it to ourselves until we’re sure? Or at least until…” she paused. Beca’s heart pounded in her chest. Chloe licked her lips. “Beca, I’ve waited nine years, maybe more, to get here and my heart and my head aren’t quite… computing that this is real. So I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now. I just need you to know that I really want this.” It didn’t take much for Beca to reach out and take Chloe’s hand in hers, resting their linked fingers on the table. Her thumb rubbed over Chloe’s.

“I really want this too. In case that wasn’t immediately obvious.”

“Oh it’s obvious, Becs. I just can’t believe I didn’t trust myself to see it before.” Chloe paused for a moment and glanced down. Beca lurched slightly, her mind beginning to whir. Wordlessly, she asked Chloe if she was alright. “Sorry. I… I was just thinking back to all the times we were alone together where I could have said something.”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. We… we definitely had our moments. But, ah, life has a funny way of making things happen when they’re supposed to.”

“Do you mean that life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything’s okay?”

The audible groan that left Beca’s mouth was loud enough for the diners at the next table to glance over. As Beca turned back from her hasty apology, she watched Chloe’s shoulders as she laughed.

“You and your damn lyrics, Beale. You’re like a jukebox.” Chloe grinned. Beca watched her eyes and knew the glint meant trouble. “What?”

Chloe shook her head. “Nah, it’s not… it’s not important. Just another silly pick-up line and you’ve had your fair share of Chloe-isms already. I don’t want to scare you off with my lyric game.”

Beca shrugged. “Scare me off? You’re about as scary as Tiny Tony the damn Shetland Pony. Tell me.”

“Baby, I’m a jukebox. Put a quarter in my slot and let’s rock and roll.”

Beca squeaked. Like a dog toy. Covering her mouth, her eyes went wide. Her pulse thundered as her temperature rose. She knew a blush was creeping over her skin.

“I did warn you.”

“No warning will ever be strong enough for you, Miss Beale.” Beca took a sip of her drink to cool herself down. “But if I steal that for a song, I promise I’ll give you credit. And a kiss if it wins a Grammy.”

“Not before?”

Beca shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll consider it.”

“What can I do to change your mind?” Chloe’s flirt game had always been intimidating. Paper clip Beca Mitchell knew she was weak to her charm. “Or bribe you?”

“I’ve got an idea of what I want.”

“Really? And what would that be?”

Beca glanced down at Chloe’s plate and back up. “Are you going to eat the rest of your fries?”

As Chloe’s laugh rang out in the restaurant, Beca’s heart felt warm.

After all this time, it had been the sound she had missed the most.


	27. Help Me to Help Myself

With her guitar balanced precariously across her lap, Beca leaned over and snapped a photograph of the sheet music on her desk.

“Jukebox” was written across the top in her usual scrawl.

The song had come to her during the night after their date, a simple melody she could imagine trickling out in an old diner, two people staring at one another across a melamine tabletop. It had made her smile. It had made her think of Chloe. And, then, the lyrics had flowed. She had spent the next day and night trying to get the sound right.

Before she could check if there was a reply to her message, a sharp knock to her office door made her look up. She smiled at Sammy and gestured for him to come in.

“Any updates on Calista?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah. We’ve got a session booked in for tomorrow. I think she’s hanging around for the weekend so I’m guessing maybe we’ll have Monday, too. If we need it.”

Sammy seemed pleased enough with her answer and didn’t push her more. Looking down at her desk he gave her a knowing look. “New song?”

Beca just nodded. He smiled. “Good for you.” Walking back towards the door, he paused. “How’s the kid? How is he coping?”

“I think he’s as exhausted as I am. He’s not lasted past 6.30 one night this week. But his teacher says he’s having fun and he seems happy so…” She shrugged.

“So do you, Reggie. It’s nice to see you smiling like that.”

Beca knew exactly why she was smiling. It was written all over the sheet music in front of her. Even if the lyrics said something else, to Beca it all just said ‘Chloe’.

“Have a good day. Call me after you’re done with Calista and let me hear it, alright?”

“If you have to.”

With her PA back in her normal job and no longer distracted by Mickey Mouse or the dulcet tones of The Wiggles, Beca found that she had time in the day to be creative and work on her own stuff as well as the handful of tracks she was working on for other artists. As 3pm rolled around, she checked her emails and got out of her seat.

“Pip, I’m gonna go pick up Lennon from school. Is everything alright here?”

Pip looked up from her desk, her picture from Lennon’s card proudly framed and hanging on the wall behind her and smiled. “All good, boss. I’m just waiting for Calista’s manager to get back to me and confirm flight times so we can arrange a car.”

Beca shrugged. “If she’s arriving at a human hour, I’ll pick her up myself.”

“Cool. I’ll keep you posted. Say hi to the little guy for me.”

With a final nod and a smile, Beca headed out the door and quickly walked to her car, hoping traffic would be light enough for her to get to the school on time.

“Well, hello stranger.” Beca smiled at the greeting as she walked up to the front door of the school.

“Hi Jeremy. How are you? How’s Jodie?” She smiled at the little boy Jeremy had in his arms. He couldn’t have been older than two. “And hello to you too. You must be Jackson.”

Jeremy smiled. “We’re all good. I was going to ask, actually, if you wanted to arrange a play date soon? I think some more social stuff with another kid would be good for Jodes. And my husband really wants to meet you.”

“Sure” Beca said, knowing her tone said anything but ‘sure’ as she watched Adam, one of the classroom aides, walk out and make a beeline for her. “Just, ah, text me. Or I’ll text you.” She turned on her heel to face Adam. “Hi.”

“Sorry to have to come out” he said quietly, professionally, “it’s just that Lennon’s having a bit of a hard time. He hit out at a couple of the others this afternoon when they got too close, but now he’s…” Before he could finish his sentence, Beca was gesturing for him to lead her into the classroom.

Desperate eyes scanned the almost empty classroom. As soon as she spotted Lennon, his cheeks red and tear-stained, lip still wobbling, Beca made her way straight over to him and brushed a hand through his hair.

“Hey, what’s all this?” She asked gently. Sighing, knowing now wasn’t the time for questions, she turned to the staff. “I’ll carry him out to the car. Do you have his shoes? If, ah, if you put them in his bag I can…” Beca turned back to Lennon and tilted her head. She signed as she spoke.

“Home?” She asked. “Home with mommy?”

Lennon leaned in close and put his nose to her forehead. She let out a breath. “Hello. Yes, I’m here. Let me take you home, baby.”

The entire way home, Beca continuously glanced back to check on Lennon. He had his headphones on and she’d grabbed Mickey from his bag. He was rubbing his thumb over it and squinting his eyes. She knew he was exhausted.

As they pulled up to the house, Beca slipped her arm through his bag, put her keys in her mouth and unbuckled Lennon’s car seat. He flopped against her as she kicked the door shut and walked quickly up to the porch. As soon as she could, she let him down so he could walk into the house and took a moment to breathe.

She managed to count to four before Lennon had walked back to her and begged for her to pick him up.

“Okay, koala baby. You hungry? Shall we have a snack? Or a nap?”

Lennon pouted and turned his head into Beca’s neck. Stroking his hair, she walked into the living room and settled into the couch. She tried to lay him down, hoping a nap might help, but he clambered straight back into her arms. Somehow, she knew it was going to be a long night.

By dinner time, Beca knew she was fighting a losing battle. Lennon had pushed his plate onto the floor, had thrown every utensil and had smeared mashed potatoes all over himself and his seat. Knowing what was coming, Beca steeled herself as she took a wipe out of the closest package and tried to get the excess off Lennon’s face.

“Shh, shh, I know, I know” she cooed as calmly as she could with his fingers digging into her arms, trying to get her away. “I know you hate it. We all have to do things we hate. Like, you have to have your face washed and I have to do my taxes. It’s just the way it…” Beca’s phone lit up on the kitchen counter. Smiling she showed Lennon. “Look. It’s Coco!”

She answered the call and put it on speaker, hoping Chloe’s voice might somehow soothe Lennon. “Hey, Chlo!”

“Hey. So, ah, I don’t know if I’m being too forward or anything but there’s a new restaurant opening tonight and it’s the guy who owned the street food truck that used to come to Barden. The Georgia Greek? Anyway, I know it’s last minute but if you could get a sitter I thought it might be nice? It’s just, like, drinks and a tasting menu. My friends from work are already going and I thought I’d ask you.” She paused. “What do you think?”

Beca shook her head before she said anything. This was what she had been dreading. Chloe had always been so sociable, so fun-loving, and as much as Beca had been able to keep up during the times in college and in New York when she’d been dragged out, now she had no chance.

Lennon’s scream answered her question before she could. “Sorry, Chlo. I, ah, I’m… not tonight, okay? You…” Lennon reached out, grabbing a fistful of her hair. She carried on speaking as she tried to untangle herself. “You go with your work friends, though.”

“OK. It’s cool. How…” Lennon finally let go, slamming his hand down on Beca’s shoulder. “You know what? I’ll let you go.”

“Great. I… I’ll call you later, ok?”

Beca was halfway through typing a panicked text to her dad when the doorbell rang. Looking up at the time, she sighed. It was probably the neighbours asking if she was alright or asking her to stop the screaming. She logged a mental reminder to order some apology booze or a fruit basket or something in the morning.

“Sor… Oh. Hey.” Her anxiety settled immediately at the sight of lightly curled red hair and bright blue eyes.

“Hey.” Chloe lifted up the bag in her hand and grinned. “I thought I’d bring the party to you.”

Beca tried her best to look grateful. Chloe, however, noticed the change in her body straight away. “What’s up?”

“He’s… not settling. He’s still up and he’s not happy. Sorry, Chloe. It’s probably not a good time to…”

Chloe walked into the house with purpose. Putting the bag on the kitchen counter, she turned to Beca. “It’s all wrapped up. It’ll stay warm.” Beca watched how the redhead’s eyes tracked over her face. There was a familiarity to the way she looked at her; Chloe had seen her under stress so many times in their years of college that she was sure the exhausted, lost expression on her face was nothing new. She looked into Beca's eyes as she rolled up her sleeves. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know.” She glanced back at where Lennon was sitting and rubbed subconsciously at the new scratches and rapidly-forming bruise on her forearm. “He’s only just stopped screaming. I haven’t even managed to get him into the bath yet.”

“Well then that’s where we’ll start. Why don’t I start running it while you bring him upstairs?”

Beca nodded and walked over to Lennon. “Listening” she said, even though she knew it was futile. She could tell by his eyes that he was completely over-tired. “Bath time.” While he was calm, she picked him up and held him against her body. Without saying anything else, she walked directly into the bathroom with him and locked the door to prevent any escape attempts. Chloe looked up from her kneeling position in front of the bath tub and the two exchanged a quick glance.

“If you’ve got anything on you don’t want to get wet, I’d take it off now” Beca said gently as she began to pull Lennon’s t-shirt over his head. “He splashes. Also” once his top was off, Beca stood and dimmed the lights before turning on the coloured LED strips around the tub, “this might help.”

“Cool.”

Once she had taken off his dirty clothes, Beca helped Lennon get into the tub and knelt beside him. Picking up a cup from the toy box she kept close by, she filled it with water and gently poured it over his back. Lennon looked up at her and she smiled. “There’s my little man” she whispered, not even knowing if the sound travelled far enough for Chloe to hear. “Have you had a hard day?” She scooped up more water and poured again. “You’re safe now, baby. You’re always safe with Mommy.” She repeated her actions. “I love you so much. So, so much. Shh, I’m here.”

If she’d have turned around, Beca would have caught Chloe wiping away a tear as she whispered.

“Alright, let’s wash you nice and gently.” Holding out the cup, Beca finally turned to Chloe. “Can you, like, wash him while I carry on doing this? Use the sponge and the baby soap. Just, ah, don’t ruin the vibe by singing Barenaked Ladies this time.”

Chloe tried not to laugh but glanced down at the cup, watching the way the water seemed to keep Lennon calm. Looking up at Beca, she smiled. “You’ve always been able to work magic with one of those in your hands.”

Lennon trying to eat the sponge Chloe was holding was enough to distract Beca from rolling her eyes into next week.

“Alright. He’s out but I don’t know how long for.” Beca pulled Lennon’s bedroom door to a soft close just as Chloe stepped into her space and reached up, lips firmly pressing against her own.

She hadn’t realised how much she’d needed it. How much she’d wanted it. The contact made Beca’s body fizz as she leaned into the kiss, parting her lips just slightly. As she pulled away, she looked at Chloe and smiled bashfully. “What was that for?”

“You have no idea how special you are, do you Beca Mitchell?” Beca sighed and let herself lean forward until her head rested on Chloe’s shoulder. A gentle hand brushed over her hair. “Why don’t we go and eat?” Chloe’s lips brushed against Beca’s temple as she leaned in. “Let me take care of you for a while.”

Beca let Chloe lead her down to the kitchen. She turned on the baby monitor and sat in one of the stools and watched as her friend- girlfriend?- walked around the space, pulling out plates and silverware before Beca had even had a chance to tell her where to find them. “Stuffed vine leaves” she passed the box over to Beca, “spanakopita”, she undid the lid herself and took a deep breath in, “and grilled eggplant with orzo salad.”

It took a few moments, and a few mouthfuls of the amazing food, before Beca found her words. Turning to look at Chloe, she couldn’t help but let her sincerity show on her face. “Thank you” she said carefully. “You really didn’t need to do any of this, but I’m so grateful that you turned up tonight.”

“I thought maybe having a treat would be good. I… I know it’s not the same but before when I was having a hard time, sometimes it just helped to have something nice at the end of a bad day.” Chloe paused and smiled wistfully. “You know I kept a pint of Cherry Garcia in the freezer in college for bad days. Even now I crave it when I’m stressed. I think it helps.”

Beca smiled. “Well, this is delicious. And it’s definitely helping.” She paused, checking the baby monitor for any movement as she yawned and groaned. Looking into Chloe’s eyes, Beca couldn’t hide her smile. “Sorry” she said, her head suddenly heavy, “I’m wiped out. Calista’s coming into town and I’m supposed to be on my A-game. I really didn’t plan any of this very well.”

Chloe’s hand patted Beca’s arm gently. “Well, I’m here for whatever you need. Bath time distractions, singing inappropriate songs, bringing you Greek food, someone to…”

The sound of a fork hitting against a ceramic plate was all the warning Chloe got as Beca turned to wrap her arms around her waist, pressing a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“You just tell me what you need” Chloe said gently, brushing Beca’s hair back off her face. “I’m yours, Becs. Completely.”

Beca licked her lips before looking up. The way Chloe could make her so comfortable so quickly was still something she’d never understood. As far as she was concerned, it had to be magic.

“Stay” she managed to croak out the words after a moment’s pause. “Not… not for anything… I just don’t want you to go.” A shy smile crept across Beca’s cheeks and she lowered her head to Chloe’s shoulder. “I sound like such a sap. It’s like I can’t…” she shrugged. “I’m too tired to explain it. Just… will you? Stay?”

Chloe nodded and put her arm around Beca, hand gently stroking her arm. “Of course I will. Although this time I’m not going to pretend to be asleep when you roll over and kiss my head to say goodnight like that one time in New York.”

The blush suddenly painted across Beca’s cheeks was bright enough illuminate the entire room. Still, she cleared her throat and turned back to face Chloe. “Shut up.”


	28. Old Dirt Road

“Maa-aa!”

Beca groaned and rolled over. It was only in the moment before she stretched her arms out across the bed that she remembered she was not alone. Grimacing, and trying not to disturb Chloe, she clambered out of bed and rushed to Lennon’s room- the source of the noise.

Pushing the door open, Beca gasped. Lennon was still in bed, but was standing on his mattress.

“What are you up to?” She asked, moving to get him down. She looked at his bed and grimaced. “I think maybe I need to invest in some safety rails or something. It’s not a trampoline, bud. Beds are for sleeping. You know, that thing neither of us get enough of?”

Lennon yawned and curled into Beca. She rolled her eyes. “Dude, if you’re still tired, don’t make noises that wake me up.” Pausing, she realised that the baby monitor was still on and that Chloe would be able to hear their conversation. The last thing she wanted was to be responsible for forcing her to wake up at 5am. She turned off the device and hoisted Lennon higher onto her hip. “Right, well since you’re up, it’s toilet time.” Beca produced the visual the OT had given her and showed it to Lennon. He pouted and pushed it away, but Beca got down onto his level. “We’re not arguing over this. Lennon,” she waited for him to show a sign that he was listening, “it’s toilet time.”

By the time Beca had wrangled Lennon through the first part of their morning routine and got him settled on the couch with a couple of toys, she had woken up enough for her brain to begin to process everything that had happened the night before. “Bud,” she said quietly, smiling as she noticed how Lennon was holding onto the hem of her t-shirt as he rolled one of his cars up and down her leg, “you like Chloe, right? Like, this whole thing at school yesterday was…” she sighed. It was hard to voice what she was thinking. “It wasn’t because of any of this, right? Because I love you, dude. I love you first and most and nothing- nobody- is going to change that, no matter how pretty they are. But I like Chloe and, ah, I think she’s going to be hanging around a lot. And, ah, she stayed over last night and she’s still in my bed. So, like, if that’s not okay with you, I’m gonna need a sign or something.” When he didn’t make a sound, Beca leaned in and kissed the top of his head. “No rush.”

“Hey, are you guys okay?”

Beca turned towards the door as Chloe walked into the room, still wearing the t-shirt and yoga pants she had given her to sleep in. “Morning. Sorry, did we wake you?”

Chloe shook her head. “No. I just woke up and wondered where you were.”

A flat palm to gesture exactly why Beca had got out of bed was all Chloe needed. “I tried not to disturb you but _someone_ thought that this morning would be a great time to turn his bed into a trampoline. So I’m going to be spending my afternoon googling ways to make sure he doesn’t fall off and break a bone or something.”

“Ah, I think you’ll find you’re going to be spending the afternoon in the studio laying down some ridiculously sick vocals, actually.”

Beca leaned back and groaned, smiling as Lennon reached out to touch her mouth. Turning her head to Chloe, Lennon’s mouth still on her cheek, she pouted. “Is it actually Friday already? Man, I’m not ready for this. I… I said I’d pick her up from the airport, too. Why do I do these things to myself?”

“You do them because you’re a considerate partner. Work partner, I mean. Well, not that you’re not considerate in… I’m sure you…” Chloe paused as she noticed the way Beca was staring. “I’m gonna stop talking now” she said quietly.

“Chloe, it’s too early for that much explanation. There’s fresh coffee in the kitchen. I think caffeine might help solve a lot of your problems.”

“Sure. Although I’m also starving. Do… do you have breakfast foods?”

Beca shrugged. “I think I’ve got some yoghurt and granola. And there’s loads of fruit. I… I’ll make us something if you like?” Once Chloe nodded her agreement, Beca turned to Lennon.

“Breakfast time. Come on.”

As soon as Lennon was strapped into his seat with his usual half banana, Beca scooped some food into the cats’ bowls. Pouring coffee into a mug for Chloe and topping up her own, she smiled as Chloe pulled the yoghurt and some berries out of the fridge. “Teamwork” she whispered, pressing a kiss to the redhead’s soft cheek as they swapped items from hand to hand. It felt so strange, so freeing, to finally be able to bypass her inhibitions and show Chloe some affection without worrying about what it all meant. Chloe’s hand pressed against hers, fingers dancing together before interlocking for a moment and squeezing.

“Makes the dream work.”

“So cheesy, Beale.”

Lennon let out an impatient screech. Before Beca had a chance to do anything, Chloe turned on her heel and gasped at him. “Oh hello. Are you worried we’d forgotten you? Or would you like a kiss as well? Is that it?” Leaning in, she quickly kissed his forehead. “Better?” Lennon blinked. Chloe smiled. “Do you need one from Mommy, too?”

Beca rolled her eyes lightly, covering the fact that Chloe’s actions had made her heart race, and walked around to Lennon’s other side, kissing his cheek and brushing his curls out of his face.

“Ok, cutie. That’s enough affection for now. It’s breakfast time.”

It was obvious Chloe was watching her as Beca sat down on one side of Chloe, taking the larger of the two bowls of granola, fruit and yoghurt and putting two spoons into it. Scooping out a Lennon-sized serving, she helped him put his spoon in his hand before taking a mouthful for herself. As she swallowed, she turned to where she felt blue eyes tracking her and cleared her throat. “So, ah, I know we didn’t really get much chance to talk last night because I fell asleep while you were still getting changed, but I… I just wanted to sort of check you’re alright? I know we’re a lot. I guess I just need to check you definitely know what you’re getting into with… us.”

Chloe reached out and took Beca’s right hand in hers, waiting until she had given Lennon another spoonful of breakfast before she spoke. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure about anything, Beca. I told you. I’m here.”

“OK, say ‘bye bye, Coco!’” Beca smiled as Lennon stood patiently while Chloe waved at him. He didn’t move his arm to wave, but looked at her for a moment, which was good enough especially for 8am on a Friday. Beca shrugged his backpack over her arm and onto her shoulder and pulled out her car keys. “I don’t know what today’s going to be like but, ah, I’ll call you later?” Suddenly, she felt shy. Chloe simply smiled at her and nodded.

“Have a good day.”

With one hand still holding Lennon’s, Beca leaned in and pressed her lips gently against Chloe’s.

“You too.”

Once Chloe was in her car, Beca made swift work of getting Lennon into his seat and reversing out of the driveway. Glancing in her mirror, she looked at him. “So, like, tell me if you’re not cool with the PDA, okay? I don’t want to embarrass you.” Lennon’s attention remained firmly on his Mickey doll.

As they pulled into the school, Beca turned back to him. “School time!” She tried to sound as excited as possible. “Let’s go and find Jackie, alright? And then you can play.” She got out of her seat and clambered into the back to get him out. “One more day, bud, and then it’s the weekend.” She got him out of the car and onto his feet. “I’ll explain what a weekend is after school.”

“Good morning, Lennon!” Miss Hayes walked over to the car as Beca slung Lennon’s bag onto her back. “I heard from Jackie that yesterday was a difficult day. I just wanted to check you were alright?”

Beca smiled and nodded, subconsciously rolling down her sleeves. “Yeah. He, ah, he had a bit of a meltdown when we got home but he slept straight through once he finally fell asleep. He…” she paused, looking into the kind eyes of the assistant principal, “he might need a nap, though. I think he’s exhausted, to be honest. He hasn’t napped in the day for maybe a year but, if he looks like he needs one, I’m happy for him to sleep for an hour. I don’t know if that’s alright but…”

Miss Hayes smiled gently. “Beca, you know your child best. I’ll let Jackie know.”

“Thank you.”

“Do you want me to walk L… oh! Good morning Jodie!”

Beca glanced behind Miss Hayes and smiled as Jeremy and Jodie approached them. Jodie strode confidently towards Miss Hayes and wrapped her arms around her. Beca smiled as the teacher reached down and patted her shoulder.

“You know what? I’ll take them both in with me to save you a job.” With a masterful movement, Miss Hayes had one child holding onto each hand and two backpacks criss-crossed over her shoulders. “Alright, come on. This is the way we walk to school, walk to school, walk to school…”

Beca knew her jaw was probably on the floor. Turning to Jeremy, she stared at him. “Is she, like, magic? How does she do that?”

“She’s a saint. I’m guessing the 20 or so years of experience don’t hurt, either.” Jeremy smiled. “Anyway, how are you? I wanted to text last night to find out how you were but I wasn’t sure if it would have been helpful or not. I’m always here if you someone to talk to, though.”

“Thank you. He was fine after a while. My theory is that he’s over-stimulated and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I’m sure we’ll learn together, though.”

Jeremy nodded. “You’ll get there. Do you have to rush off this morning?”

“Yeah, I kind of do. Sorry. I’m picking up one of my artists from the airport.”

“I was just going to check whether you wanted to do something together this weekend- tomorrow, probably- with all the kids? Our plans to go visit Rob’s parents fell through so we were thinking of maybe doing a picnic in the park or something? Or maybe the zoo?”

“Sounds good.”

“Amazing. Rob’s the organised one so I’ll check what he’s thinking and let you know.”

“Perfect.”

The traffic on the way to the airport wasn’t as bad as Beca had been anticipating. As she pulled up, Calista was just walking out of the doors of the building.

“Hey,” she opened the door herself and climbed in, shoving her one bag into the back seat before clipping her seatbelt, “how’s it going?”

Beca still wasn’t entirely sure why she felt so at ease spending one-on-one time with one of the biggest names behind the scenes of the music industry, but there was something about Calista that made her feel safe. “It’s all good, thanks. Sorry the car’s a mess. I was going to get it cleaned or, you know, at least get rid of the rogue raisins before I picked you up but life kind of got in the way.”

Calista shook her head. “You know I don’t expect special treatment. It’s just nice to get to come out here and work with someone who’s not a pretentious asshole.”

“Thank you.”

Beca kept her eyes on the road, but she knew Calista was staring. “So. Sammy may have hinted that you’re working on some material?”

Beca bit her lip, but nodded.

“And is it, like, solo shit?”

She nodded again, able to see the songwriter’s growing smile in her periphery. “Yeah. It’s only little bits at the moment, though. I don’t have anything concrete. No full songs.”

“But you’ve got something you can sing to me now? While it’s just us?”

Beca groaned. “No, man. Why would you ask that? That’s like… unfair. You’re a professional. I don’t need you to judge me.”

Calista scoffed. “Honey, I’m not here to judge. I just want to listen. Hey, maybe I can help.”

Beca sighed as Calista reached out and turned down the car’s radio.

“Sing me something. You can trust me. Don’t be scared.”

Trying to hide her nervous smile, Beca quietly sang out the first few lines of the song Sammy had heard her humming in the office. “I know it’s not much.” She scrunched her nose, not making eye contact with her passenger. “It’s awful, right?”

“Beca, it’s good. It’s got heart. We can work with heart.” Calista leaned back in her seat and smiled. “So, does it have a happy ending?” Beca nodded timidly. “How long have you and this girlfrom your song been a thing? I could have sworn you said you were single last time I was here.”

Beca could feel herself blushing. “It, ah, it’s a new thing. We’re not even at the point of labelling anything really.”

“I bet she’s already all over your life, though, right?” Beca let Calista’s words sink in. “I mean, that’s how the stereotype goes isn’t it? First comes a U-Haul, then comes the Subaru, then comes seventeen cats and joint custody of a French bulldog. And then you start a business together.”

Beca wanted to laugh, she really did, but her mind was reeling. The panic rose as she thought about how quickly, even before their kiss, Chloe had become a part of her day-to-day life; how quickly she’d become a consistent part of Lennon’s life.

“What are you thinking about? Tell me.” Calista offered gently.

“It’s just” Beca licked her lips to try and stop her nervous mouth from going completely dry, “she stayed over for the first time last night. Not for anything… we haven’t even slept.. well, we slept…” She sighed. “Anyway, I can’t help but worry it’s all happening too fast. My… my kid has special needs and he had a huge meltdown last night and I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was connected to all of this change. It’s just happened so quickly. She wasn’t there for so long and now suddenly she’s everywhere.”

Beca’s heart thundered in her chest. She thought back to how close she and Chloe had been as students, how inseparable they had become. Chloe was someone who comfortably made herself at home, who latched onto people quickly and made herself unforgettable just by being Chloe Beale. It had always been endearing before. Now, though, the intensity suddenly felt suffocating.

“Were you friends before?”

Beca almost laughed. “That’s a long story. Yeah, we were super close for years. We’d only just started rebuilding our friendship, though, when all of this happened. I mean, we’d been circling it for a long time but it took until now for one of us to finally make a move.” She sighed. “She’s such a great person and I really, really like having her around. She’s been hurt so badly, though, and I just want to be there for her. I… it sounds stupid to admit, but I really like being the reason she’s smiling now.”

She signalled to enter the recording studio parking lot. “Chloe is like sunshine in human form. When someone took that away, when someone hurt her, it hurt me, too. Even all these years later. That’s what the song’s about, I guess. Wanting to be there for someone like her, wanting the privilege of being the one to love her, because she didn’t deserve someone who didn’t know how to treat her right. Someone who hurt her. I mean, I can’t imagine what it was like at the time but she’s… she’s precious, you know? To me.”

“I get it.” Calista nodded. “I get the idea about wanting to bring back her shine. They often say that the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows.”

“I’m stealing that. That’s a great line.”

Calista smiled. “You can have it.” She paused, looking at Beca with sudden determination written all over her face. “We could always collaborate on something, you know. If you wanted? I like the direction you’re taking it and I’m sure you’ve got other stuff in your locker, but I’d be happy to do something with you.”

“Seriously? You’d do that for me?”

The eye-roll was something directly out of the Beca Mitchell playbook. “Honey, the way you made my songs sound on this record? I’d do anything for you.” Calista paused and looked out at the building in front of them. “Come on. Let’s make magic.”

Beca nodded and got out of the car. Truthfully, however, she wasn’t sure whether she had it in her to make magic when her head was spinning. In her mind, she pictured herself and Chloe trying to drive a runaway train, already going too fast and threatening to veer from the track. She thought about Lennon and his need for predictability and time and wondered if, for both of them, it would be a good idea to start putting a little pressure on the brake.

“Mitchell, you ready?”

Beca took a breath. “Let’s get this over with. ”


	29. Ain't She Sweet

Beca wasn’t used to feeling well-rested. As she opened her eyes and blinked, realising that nothing extraneous had woken her up, she felt panic rise in her body. Something this unusual was never a good sign. Brushing her hair off her face, she turned to check the baby monitor.

Silence. It was turned off.

With a surge of worry, Beca threw back the sheets and raced down the hallway. The baby gate outside Lennon’s room was unlocked, his door open. The bed stood empty, blankets crumpled at its base. “Shit! Shit, shit, shit.” Her eyes began to dart desperately around the room looking for any sign of movement as her mind raced.

Her worst nightmare, one of them, was Lennon getting out of the house somehow by himself. He had no awareness of safety, no understanding of strangers or the idea that anyone could be dangerous. He couldn’t say his name or his address and had there was no way for him to ask for help. He wouldn’t even know he would have to ask for help. He needed someone else to do it for him.

A crash downstairs stopped every thought in its tracks. With a lurch, she turned and raced towards the source of the noise.

Hoping.

Praying.

Terrified.

“One more spoon, little man?”

Chloe looked up as Beca stopped abruptly in the kitchen doorway, wide-eyed, pallid and sweating. Letting Lennon take the utensil into his hand, she smiled. “Morning” Chloe grinned, “I made coffee. Sorry about the noise. Stevie tipped the food bowl over.”

Beca’s mouth opened and shut several times before she managed to produce a sound. “I… I forgot you were here. I thought he’d…” She stopped and shook her head, wiping her brow with the back of her hand. “Sorry. I’m not used to having that much sleep.”

Chloe poured some coffee into a mug and slid it across to Beca, her usual bright smile never leaving her face. “Well, I’m glad you got some rest. You’ve worked so hard this week.” Walking over, she leaned into Beca’s shoulder and kissed her there. “I said it before. Let me take care of you.”

It took half a mug of coffee before Beca had enough mental clarity to process the sight in front of her. After her day in the studio, she had arrived home from her Dad’s house with Lennon in the car to find Chloe parked up outside her house. She had a takeout bag from the deli in her hand and a gentle smile on her face. As if it was part of their everyday routine, Beca had simply unlocked the front door and followed Chloe into her kitchen. After they’d eaten, they had done bath time and bed time together, put on an old vinyl album and caught up about their days on the couch. At some point, Beca had yawned and Chloe had ordered her to bed. She had simply held out a hand for Chloe to join her and, with a few soft whispers and gentle kisses, they had laid back in her bed and fallen asleep wrapped up in one another.

Chloe must have been woken up by Lennon (the world’s most unpredictable alarm) and left Beca to rest. Which was great in theory but, as she sipped, Beca recognised that her heart rate was still not quite normal.

“Becs? Are you alright?”

She cleared her throat and looked up. “Yeah. I am.” Beca looked across at Lennon, watching the way he waited expectantly for Chloe to hand him another spoonful of oatmeal. “Are you?” Chloe nodded. Beca took a deep breath. “You didn’t have to get up with him, you know. Like, I don’t expect you to do any of that just because we’re… whatever we are.”

Chloe shrugged. “I know, but I want to. Plus, I like spending time with him. And I think he likes it too.”

Beca drained her coffee and put the mug down with a loud clattering sound. “Yeah, well I guess he hasn’t had much of a choice.” The words were out of her mouth before she could think. As soon as she looked up and saw Chloe’s eyes, she knew she had made a mistake. “I… I mean…”

A glare from Chloe Beale hurt so much more because it stood in stark contrast to her usual brightness. Beca recoiled.

“Well, in that case, it’s probably lucky for the both of you that I have to work today.”

Beca admonished herself in her head, taking a moment to choose her words with a little more care. “Will you come by later? I mean, if you like?”

Chloe looked up and blinked. “Only if you’re sure you want me around.”

Lennon picked up his spoon and threw it onto the floor with a gleeful grin. Beca and Chloe both crouched to pick it up, hands brushing against one another as they reached out. Beca looked across at Chloe and smiled genuinely. “Of course I do. We do.” As they stood up, she pulled Chloe into her and held her close. “Thank you for taking care of both of us. It really does mean a lot.”

Chloe nodded against her before moving to tilt Beca’s chin.

Beca turned her head away. “Morning mouth. Gross coffee breath.”

“I don’t care.” She used a finger against her jaw to turn Beca’s head to face her. “Kiss, please.”

Beca leaned in and pressed her lips to Chloe’s. Feeling the redhead exhale against her skin, she pulled away and held her. “I still can’t believe I get to do that.” The shuddering chuckle from Chloe vibrated against her.

“You’re so soft, Mitchell.”

Beca groaned. “Don’t pick on me. It’s too early to tease.”

Chloe grinned and pressed a kiss to the point of Beca’s nose. “I’m not teasing. I think it’s adorable.”

After Chloe had gone to work, Beca and Lennon got into the car. Once they had parked outside Zoo Atlanta, Beca pulled out her phone. She had spent the entire drive thinking over the morning’s events and wondering how much of what she had blurted to Chloe could be blamed on her panic, and how much was simply the truth. Not knowing where Lennon was had thrown her, scared her beyond belief, and she realised that sensation was something she was going to have to get used to if she was going to share her life so completely with someone else. It was, she thought back, probably part of the reason that she hadn’t been interested in serious dating when she’d been in LA. The prospect of having to add someone into the little bubble she and Lennon had happily inhabited alone felt uncomfortable and unsafe.

But Chloe was different. Wasn’t she? Chloe was special. Chloe was kind and thoughtful and nothing she did was ever to intentionally hurt. She hadn’t realised, couldn’t have realised, the way Beca would panic at the sight of Lennon’s empty bed. Chloe didn’t have children; she had no idea of how that pull, that sense of unequivocal, unwavering love, controlled every thought, feeling and action in her body. She had no idea of how much a mother could worry.

_Thank you for getting up with L this morning. Let me repay you with dinner tonight? Come to mine for 7.30?_

Chloe was only trying her best, Beca told herself. She had chosen this, chosen her. She just needed time to get used to what that meant for her and for her little boy.

“Are you ready for this?”

Jeremy walked up to Beca’s car as she slid out of the driver’s seat.

“Sure. I’m gonna let him walk but I’m putting him in a safety harness so he can’t run off” Beca explained as she pulled Lennon out of the car and set him down on his feet.

“Same. Although we’re bringing the double stroller because Jackson won’t last the whole way around, so there’s a seat if either of these two turkeys need it.”

Beca grinned as she noticed the man she assumed was Jeremy’s husband, Rob, approach them. He had Jodie holding one hand and was holding a squirming Jackson in the other.

“So, you must be Beca. And this must be Lennon.”

Beca waited, but knew Lennon probably wouldn’t look up at the sound of his name. She crouched down next to him and pointed to Jodie. “Lennon say hello?” She waved. Lennon took her wrist as she moved. Beca got back up and shrugged her shoulders. “That’s all we’re getting apparently. Hi, though. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Likewise” Rob said with a smile. Beca could already tell he and Jeremy were great together; it didn’t hurt that they both looked like they’d strolled straight out of a high-end menswear catalogue. “I prepped a sort-of visual guide for the kids to use and I thought we could stop at the play area at about 11 for a drink and a snack.”

Jeremy leaned in close to Beca. “I told you he was the organised one.”

“Well, I’m glad someone is” she quipped back. “Let’s go.”

Halfway around the apes and primates section, Beca found herself walking next to Rob. Jeremy had walked ahead with Jackson, who had taken a real shine to the chimpanzees.

“So, how are you finding Georgia life?” He asked. “Jeremy said you’d not long moved here from California.”

“Yeah, it’s good” Beca watched Lennon for a moment, checking he wasn’t getting close enough to Jodie to push her over. “It suits us better, I think.”

“Guys, this one’s got a little baby!” Jeremy beckoned them forward, a joyful grin on his face. “It’s so cute.”

Rob turned to Beca and smiled. “I swear, sometimes it’s like I’ve got three kids.”

“Co… co” Lennon babbled to himself as Beca got his cup out of her bag. Rob turned to them and smiled. “Co… co… co.”

Jodie wandered closer to Lennon and reached out for him. “She thinks you’re saying JoJo,” Rob explained. He lifted Jodie up onto his knee and handed her a blueberry. “Is that your friend? Is Lennon your new friend, JoJo?”

Beca smiled. “Coco is his name for my, uh,” she paused, realising she’d never really said it out loud, “my girlfriend. Chloe. She’s basically his favourite person in the universe right now.”

“Oh cute. I always said Jeremy had a radar for the lesbians. It’s no wonder he made friends with you so fast.” Beca shook her head but smiled.

“Rob, leave the poor girl alone” Jeremy said before she could respond, bringing Jackson back to their table and handing him a drink. Beca couldn’t help the pang of jealousy as she watched the toddler pick up the cup and drink from it all by himself without spilling or throwing. “Sorry, my husband isn’t known for respecting boundaries like normal people.”

Beca smiled to herself. She knew exactly what he meant. She didn’t have chance to reply, however, as Lennon banged his hand down on the table in an attempt to get her attention. She turned to him. “Dude. Just ask. You can say ‘mama’.” She brushed his hair off his face. “Do you want a snack?”

Jeremy, watching on, smiled at Beca and pulled a small box out from the back of the stroller. “We did a little baking last night. Jodie and I made animal-themed cookies.” He lifted the lid of the box and Beca grinned at the way Lennon’s eyes widened.

“Ah-ah” he reached out, almost bouncing on the picnic bench.

Beca took the cookie Jeremy offered, snapped it in half and held a piece out. “Alright, can you say ‘please’?” She touched her hand to her chin the way she had learned to sign it. Lennon blinked at her and reached back out for the cookie.

“Please” she said again as she signed.

Lennon groaned, tapped his chin once and pushed himself forwards until his little fingers grasped the piece of cookie. Beca shook her head as she watched Rob and Jeremy both trying not to laugh.

“Good enough, bud. Good enough.”

As Lennon took a bite of the cookie, Beca holding it to help him out, his expression changed. Looking at Beca, it was almost as if a sense of wonder had descended on him. “Wow, dude,” Beca said as he chewed, “is it really that good?” Lennon smacked his lips and reached out for another bite. Turning to Rob and Jeremy, she shrugged. “You’d think he’d never had, like, a treat before.”

Jeremy smiled as he handed a cookie to a patiently-waiting Jackson. “Well, considering the quality of snacks you provided the last time, I’m not surprised.”

Beca sighed, waving the half of the cookie still in her hand around as she spoke, oblivious to the way Lennon was tracking it hungrily. “I’m just trying my best to get from day to day without being judged by the mommy police. That’s all. And if that means that my kid eats bougie, organic, gluten-free, taste-free snacks in public then it’s a small price to pay to avoid being stared at any more than we already are.”

She hadn’t expected to be quite so honest. Rob lifted his bottle of water and nodded sagely. “I’ll drink to that.” After a sip, he tilted his head. “But we’re not the mom police so, please, help yourself to a cookie and give the poor boy the other piece you’re holding before he combusts.”

“Alright, so I’m thinking that- because the schedule shows it’s lion feeding time- the kid’s petting zoo will probably be quieter now. So shall we head over that way and then circle back to see any animals we missed once the crowds have gone?” Rob, Beca was learning, could probably rival Aubrey if meticulous planning were an Olympic sport.

Jeremy nodded. “Sounds good, babe. Lead the way.”

The petting zoo was set up in an old barn, bales of hay set around in rows as makeshift seats. Lennon began to bounce on his feet, clearly excited about something, as they followed Rob to a spot near the exit. Beca recognised his tactic; a quick getaway was sometimes the only solution in places like this.

“Nnnnnn!”

Beca felt the tug of the harness as Lennon launched himself forwards and into the path of a stranger. As she opened her mouth to apologise, she watched as her son was hoisted into the air and cuddled close.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, watching as Chloe pressed a soft kiss to Lennon’s temple before settling him on her hip. Beca didn’t let go of the harness.

“I offered to stay and help when they said they were short for this afternoon. I was here anyway on a consult so I just… said yes.”

Beca shook her head. “You work too hard.”

“Yes, but it’s good practice for the animal therapy. Anyway,” Chloe glanced behind Beca, causing the brunette to copy her, “are you going to introduce me?”

Beca nodded. “Guys, this is Chloe. Chloe, this is Jeremy and Rob and Jackson is the sleeping guy in the stroller. This little nugget is Jodie.”

Lennon still in her arms, Chloe bent down to say hello to Jodie.

“So,” Jeremy leaned into Beca’s side, “she’s gorgeous. And how amazing with the kids?”

Beca nodded as she watched on. Both Lennon and Jodie were now sat on the hay bale either side of Chloe as she held out a guinea pig for them to stroke. Rob hovered behind, hands poised to help out if either of them got grabby. Beca’s hand tightened slightly around the handle for the harness she still had in her grasp.

“Pretty amazing.”

“Becs, do you want to hold this one while I get another friend out?” Chloe beckoned her forward with her eyes. Beca nodded and sat down next to Lennon, taking the guinea pig into her lap. Slipping the loop for the harness around her wrist, she took Lennon’s hand and gently guided it over the soft fur. “See? Like we do with the cats. Nice and gentle. Nice and slow. Good boy.”

Jeremy had sat down with Jodie and was looking on as Chloe helped her hold a very placid rabbit.

“So, you’re at Arbor West too?” Chloe asked as she helped Jodie pet the rabbit. Jeremy nodded. She smiled. “Excellent. Well, I don’t know whether Beca said, but I’m running a lot of animal therapy sessions this year at the school. So we can work on being really kind and gentle,” Jeremy seemed enraptured by the way Chloe so carefully guided Jodie’s hand over the rabbit’s back “and building our social skills through interacting with animals.”

Beca tried to focus entirely on the guinea pig on her lap, but her eyes were drawn constantly over to Chloe. The way she spoke, the way she moved her hands, the way she smiled.

“Be less subtle, I dare you” Rob whispered from behind her. Beca felt herself blush almost instantly. “I don’t blame you, though. You’ve hit the jackpot with that one.”

Beca nodded slowly, a confusing rush of emotions mixing together in her head as Chloe looked over at her and quirked her eyebrow.

“Naaaa!”

Chloe and Beca both looked down at Lennon, his head tipped back and his arms outstretched. “I think we’ve reached our ‘sitting nicely’ threshold for the day” Beca said quietly. “But thank you for being so patient with him.”

Chloe smiled as she took the guinea pig back so Beca could stand and get Lennon onto his feet. Once she had put it back in its pen, she turned to Beca and held her arms out. Beca leaned in for a loose hug.

“Am I still ok to come by tonight?” Chloe asked quietly. Beca nodded against her. Looking at her, Chloe smiled before pouting her lips slightly. Beca shifted so that the kiss landed on her cheek before pulling back.

“See you later.”

Chloe blinked and gave a quick smile before turning her attention to Jodie and the rabbit. When she looked up again, Beca and Lennon had gone.


	30. Aisumasen (I'm Sorry)

Over the years, Beca Mitchell had managed to perfect approximately three recipes. Until she had fallen pregnant, cooking hadn’t been much of a priority. High school and college had been a mixture of snacks and meals prepared by other people. The bodega opposite the apartment building in New York had kept her nourished with a steady stream of bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches, plus Fat Amy (when she was actually home) could actually cook like a functioning adult, which had come as a complete surprise because she’d never lifted a finger while they’d lived together in the Bellas house. When Beca had first moved to LA, bolstered by a huge advance payment from Khaled’s label, the ‘image consultant’ on his team had signed her up for a meal delivery service to make sure she was performance ready at any moment. Not that Beca entirely understood why, given that her live performances rarely involved her doing any more than standing behind decks and playing mixes of other people’s songs. Finding herself pregnant, and with a markedly smaller pay check coming in every month once she went back to Residual Heat, Beca had finally, reluctantly, tried to find her way around a kitchen.

“It’s open” Beca called as she heard a knock at the door, immediately cursing herself for making so much noise when Lennon had only just gone to sleep. She lifted the dish out of the oven and set it down just as Chloe walked in. “It’s going to need to, like, cool down a little.”

Chloe nodded, but her eyes told a different story. Dropping the dish towel in her hand, Beca walked over and placed a hand on each of Chloe’s shoulders.

“Are you alright? I… I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye properly at the zoo. Lennon was desperate to get out and I…” Beca blinked, finally registering the severity of the forlorn expression on the redhead’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Chloe looked up, blue eyes pulling Beca in. “Are you ashamed of me?”

“What? No! No, of course I’m not, Chlo. Wh… why would you ask that?”

Chloe shrugged. “It’s going to sound stupid. And… and then you’re going to think I’m stupid and then you’re going to hate me and then you’ll leave and I’ll…”

“Stop.” Beca pulled Chloe in close, hugging her tight and rocking slightly from side to side. As she pulled back, she looked her in the eye. “Chloe, what’s brought this on? Because if it’s something I did, I’m telling you now that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it. I won’t leave.”

“No, you’re right. It’s probably just me reading into things as usual. Just crazy Chloe being crazy!” Chloe’s hands pressed against her temples.

Beca reached out. “Look. Just tell me what’s bothering you.” As Chloe’s eyes tracked over her face, Beca felt her heart rate increasing. “I just need to know.”

“You turned away when I went to kiss you.”

_Is that all?_ Beca swallowed the thought down. “Sweetie, I didn’t realise it would bother you so much. All I thought was that you were technically at work and I didn’t want to, I don’t know, give the zoo people anything to gossip about. I’m sorry.”

Chloe nodded. “Ok. That’s ok. I just thought it was because you didn’t want to kiss me in front of your friends.”

Beca shook her head. “Chlo, they know who you are. I… I told them. Actually, if I remember rightly, I called you my girlfriend. Out loud. So, ah, I don’t think you need to worry.” Noticing Chloe’s shoulders begin to lower back to a normal height, Beca smiled. “Anyway, I actually cooked for you. Shall we have some veggie lasagne and talk about something else?”

Chloe nodded and let Beca lead her to the table. “Girlfriend?”

Beca bit her lip. “That’s ok, right?”

A knowing smile was all she got in response.

“Beca, this is so good” Chloe said as she ate another bite of lasagne. “Did you learn this from Sheila?”

Beca shook her head and smiled. “Sheila can’t cook for shit. This, ah, this is a recipe I learned from YouTube. I was probably about fourteen weeks pregnant and could finally think about food without feeling nauseous. Anyway, I suddenly had this real urge to learn to cook. I didn’t want to be one of those parents who fed their kids on junk, and I certainly didn’t want to have to spend all my money on Postmates just to give my kid a decent meal. So I taught myself.”

“Well, it paid off. What else can you cook?”

Beca smiled. “Confidently? Not much. Most of our dinners are just thrown together. But I can make a chicken pot pie. And mac and cheese.”

“Well that’s an improvement on New York. Remember when you managed to burn rice? It was all black and mushy and stuck to the bottom of the pan, yet the top layer was somehow still completely raw.”

“Listen. My priorities were in other areas.” Chloe giggled as Beca shook her head. “Anyway, what about you? If, ah, if I came over for dinner what would you cook for me?”

It was so nice to see Chloe relaxed and happy. She smiled across at Beca as she thought for a moment. Beca watched her, eyes drawn to the way she tucked her hair gently behind her ear, the way her fingers brushed over her own arm. It was hypnotic. “I mean,” Chloe’s eyes narrowed slightly as Beca’s gaze shot up to her face, “I don’t really follow recipes. I just make something out of whatever I’ve got. But, ah, I think I could impress you.”

“Really?” Beca’s tone was teasing. Playful.

Chloe nodded and licked her lips. “If I really wanted to win you over, maybe if it was, like, a special occasion or something, I think I’d make pasta with vodka sauce just like we had in Copenhagen. I… I always think about that meal because it was so special. We’d known each other for so long, but it was the first time we’d ever been out for a real meal- not just a sandwich or whatever- just the two of us.” Beca couldn’t help but smile as Chloe looked across at her. “It was really special. I think I’d recreate that with you but this time I’d actually have the courage to do what I wanted.” Beca watched as Chloe’s fingers danced nervously along the edge of the plate before she looked up. “I spent our whole walk back to the hotel trying to pluck up the courage to kiss you, but I knew it would make things complicated. This time, though, I’d do it.”

Beca couldn’t think. Instead, she stood up and took the plates over to the sink.

“You wanted to kiss me back then?” She finally asked, looking back at Chloe and realising her wide eyes were probably from panic at her silence.

Chloe nodded. “Yeah.”

She didn’t need to say more. Beca knew it was just another of so many moments that could have been. In another life, maybe. She shook her head and smiled. “We were both such idiots.”

A documentary about Jimi Hendrix, as fascinating as it probably was, was never going to be enough to hold Beca’s attention. As she felt Chloe’s body shift into hers, fingers casually drifting over the stitching on her jeans, she couldn’t help but wonder if that was the point. It hadn’t taken long for them to fall into this position, almost curled around one another as they half-leaned against the arm of the couch, Chloe’s leg holding Beca’s in place.

“You know” Chloe said quietly, “we used to sit like this all the time.” Beca’s quirked eyebrow caused her to giggle. “Ok, not exactly like this. But this close. All the time.”

Beca nodded. “I know. I just thought that was you, though. You’d never exactly been a fan of personal space.”

Chloe shrugged, leaning down so that her head rested on Beca’s shoulder. She rested a warm hand on her stomach, over her soft cotton t-shirt. “Only with you, though. I mean, I’d cuddle with the other girls but, like, it wasn’t ever like it was with you.”

“Like I said, I think we were both idiots” Beca replied in a quiet rasp. She reached out and ran a hand over Chloe’s loose waves. “But I didn’t complain then and I’m certainly not complaining now.”

“I think you’ll find you did complain. At first, anyway. Then I wore you down.”

Beca shrugged. “Even when I protested, I never meant it. Not with you. I… I think I made so much noise about it at first because I thought I was supposed to find it uncomfortable. I was probably more confused by the fact that it just… wasn’t.” Looking down, directly into the eyes of Chloe Beale, Beca found herself smiling softly. “We always just fit.”

Before she knew what was happening, Chloe’s lips were on hers. Beca sighed into the kiss, her hand reaching out to hold onto something, anything, to bring Chloe closer. With her eyes still closed, she felt Chloe’s body shift, felt the pressure as she settled herself almost entirely on top of her. Beca tilted her head and let her tongue sweep lightly against the seam of Chloe’s mouth until her lips parted.

“Mm,” Beca pulled back slightly, “you’re making it really hard to take things slow.”

Chloe leaned back in and kissed her cheek. “Maybe that’s because it just feels right” she whispered, breath ghosting against Beca’s ear. She surged forwards for another kiss, her body pressing downwards heavily. The pressure was suddenly stifling. Beca pushed herself up slightly and stopped Chloe’s movements with a flat hand resting against her clavicle.

Blue eyes gave away Chloe’s confusion. Beca took a breath, not quite able to look her in the face.

“Sorry” she said gently, “I… I want this as much as you do, but I really need us to slow down, Chloe.”

“It’s just a kiss. I didn’t mean for you to…” Chloe sighed. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

Beca sat up more, shaking her legs a little. Chloe shuffled back to giver her some space.

“It’s not the kiss. That… that’s great. It’s just something Calista said. It’s been playing on my mind and I just… I need to…” Talking about feelings was a skill Beca did not have. “I need you to know that I like you. So much. And I want this. I want… whatever it is we’re becoming. And I know there’s this tendency for girls who date girls to move fast but…”

Chloe blinked. “Becs, I’m not following. Did Calista say something about us? About me?”

“Not so much,” Beca shook her head, “but she made me think. She was joking about U-hauls and Subarus and stuff. Teasing me. But I thought about it and, like, you’ve stayed over a couple times already even though we haven’t… done anything.” Beca knew she was blushing. She groaned quietly. “It’s all just happening so fast and I feel like I’m losing control. I feel… I feel like everything’s changed and all of a sudden I don’t know what to do with myself. And Lennon’s only just starting school and Pip’s not here but you are and I can’t help but worry about what this all seems like to him and I just… I can’t keep all of you happy at once.”

“You don’t have to keep me happy, Becs. It’s not your job.” Chloe looked at her. Beca swallowed as she registered the seriousness behind her stare. “But being a mother is. I… I know I don’t completely understand and I know I never will, but I know he has to be the most important person in your life at all times. I get it, Becs. Believe me.” A hand linked against hers, squeezing gently. “I don’t want to get in the way of that but I’m going to need you to tell me how.”

Beca nodded. She thought back to the morning, the pure panic in the pit of her stomach at the sight of an empty bed and an open door. She thought back to how Lennon had raced to Chloe. She thought back to how she had been completely unable to let him go, unable to loosen her hold on his harness even as they had sat side by side.

“It’s going to sound stupid, though. I feel pathetic even talking about it.”

Chloe’s pleading eyes were enough to pull Beca’s breath from her chest. “Talk to me.”

With nervous fingers picking at her sock, she met Chloe’s eye. “This morning I woke up and he wasn’t in his bed. And I know you were doing a nice thing by getting him up and feeding him but, Chlo, I’ve never felt so scared. I saw his empty bed and his gate open and I just… I didn’t know what to think. My head went straight to the worst case scenario” Beca took a breath. “I was so frightened. And even after I knew he was with you I haven’t let him out of my sight.”

Chloe’s eyes fluttered closed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, ok? This is on me. I just… this is the first time anyone else has been this close to our little unit and it’s you which, obviously, means it’s amazing because I already know you and I know he’s safe with you, but it’s scary. For both of us. And it’s going to take time. I’m… I’m going to need you to give me time.”

Beca glanced up and noticed how Chloe looked at her, blue eyes intense.

“What?”

Chloe shook her head. “I’m so lucky to get to see you like this. I’m so lucky you let me in.” Beca scrunched her nose, unable to take the sudden and very sweet reaction. “I know I can’t have you completely. I know I’ve got to learn to share. If it takes a little time for us to get the balance right, then that’s fine with me. I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

“Can we go back maybe, like, two steps? Just until we know what we’re doing.” Beca ran her teeth over her lip. “Like, can we… can we go on dates and get to know one another again properly and maybe sleep in our own beds for a bit? Just so that Lennon doesn’t get too confused.” She knew the last point hadn’t been either of their faults entirely. Beca had been tired, she had wanted comfort, Chloe had been there. The aftermath, however, had been too much. For everyone.

Chloe nodded. “Of course. Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to go out on Tuesday night? There’s a light show at the aquarium and I got VIP passes sent to work.”

Beca grinned. “Sounds perfect.” She paused, looking closely at Chloe for any sign of discomfort. “Are you, like, actually ok with this? Because I know it’s very much a ‘me’ problem.”

“Bec,” Chloe smiled, “being here with you is more than I ever imagined I’d have again. We can take things as slow as you want.” She brushed her hair away. “Actually, I have to confess this whole ‘mama bear’ thing really works for me.” Beca’s raised eyebrow made her laugh. “It’s something new about you I never expected and, ah, I find confident Beca really, really attractive. Always have done.”

Beca knew she was blushing. Shaking her head, a smile on her face, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to Chloe’s waiting lips. “Thank you” she whispered against them, letting out a breath as Chloe’s arm snaked around her waist.

“Is it ok if I cuddle you like this?”

“Of course.” Beca shrugged. “Plus, years of experience tell me that I really don’t have a choice.” As they settled back into the same position they’d been in when the documentary had first started, Beca looked up at the ceiling and let herself relax.

“What are you thinking about?” Chloe asked, playing with a loose strand of her hair.

Beca smiled. “Nothing. Just thinking that I’m pretty lucky, too.”


	31. What You Got

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those of you who have expressed concern after I stopped posting regularly. Unfortunately, I got sick at the end of last week and have basically been asleep for 3 days (it's hard to write when you can't keep your head up for more than 15 minutes at a time). I will continue to post but it won't be daily until I'm back on my feet. Thank you for your patience and continued support.

The sight of a purple minibus bus turning down the street was enough to get Lennon excited, his hand- held firmly in Beca’s- twitching as he bounced. Making the decision to start every school day with a bus- one of his favourite vehicles- had been inspired and Beca knew she had Miss Hayes to thank for making the suggestion. Plus, it meant Beca didn’t have to rush as much to get Lennon to school before having to drive to work.

“Okay. So, same drill as yesterday, bud.” Beca crouched down. “The bus will take Lennon to school. Grandpa and Nanna will pick you up.”

Lennon was still too small to climb the steps. Beca smiled as one of the aides, an older lady who had introduced herself as Carol, lowered a ramp down so that he could walk up by himself. “Have a good day” Beca said as she kissed his temple. Once Lennon was strapped into his seat by the window and the bus drove off, Beca fished her keys out of her pocket and slid into the driver’s seat of her car. Checking her hair in the mirror, she reversed off her driveway and onto the road.

She hadn’t got far into her journey when the podcast she had been listening to was cut off by the ringing of her phone. Glancing down to see which assistant producer could possibly need her help this early in the day, Beca read the name and sat up straight.

“Aubrey, how are you?” It was the politest way Beca could think of to ask what was wrong.

Aubrey never called her without a text first. Aubrey had never called her in the morning.

“Morning. Sorry, I… I just had something to run by you. Are you busy?”

Beca kept her eyes on the road as she spoke. “No, I’m driving but you’re hands-free so I’m all good. What’s up?”

“Well, I was thinking about what you’d said about me coming down to see you. And Chloe, obviously.” Beca nodded to herself. She was still regretting having made such a spontaneous offer, especially now she and Chloe were more than just two reunited friends.

“Ok.”

“Well, there’s a training event my boss wants me to attend, some antenatal yoga course. It’s in Atlanta. This Friday.”

Beca grimaced. Friday was soon. Friday was too close for her to make up an excuse. Friday was possibly not enough time for her to work out whatever was going on in her head.

“I was thinking maybe we could meet up?”

She couldn’t say no. She knew it. Friday was the day Beca would see Aubrey again.

“Sounds good. Does, ah, does Chlo know?”

The nickname slipped out. If Aubrey noticed it, she didn’t say anything.

“Not yet. I wanted to figure it out with you first. Somehow, I don’t think one dinner is going to be enough time and I know I’m not going to want to leave her once I’ve seen her. So I was thinking I could stay all weekend and then head back on Monday. I mean, I’ll get a hotel room through work anyway so I can just extend the booking but… I kind of want enough time to spend with both of you.”

Moving from meeting up to spending a weekend together was a jump Beca hadn’t been expecting. Still, she saw Aubrey’s logic. “I get you. I… I’m at work now so I should go but let me know what the plan is, yeah?” She tried to sound as casual as she could. Stepping out of the car, Beca took a breath.

Things were about to get real.

“So Aubrey called.”

Beca nodded, trying not to lose herself in Chloe’s eyes as they walked towards the aquarium entrance that evening.

“Yeah, she said she would. Are… are you ok with her coming out? I mean, to see you.”

“And you.” Chloe added knowingly. “I’m fine with it. I think it’s a good idea to rip the band aid off and actually see her. I know we’ll both cry like babies, but crying isn’t a bad thing. Anyway, I was more concerned about you.”

Beca blinked. “Me? Why?”

“Because”, Chloe reached down, lacing their fingers together, “it’s Aubrey.”

Beca smiled. “It’s different now, though. Since you suddenly appeared in that mall holding my kid’s shoes and turned my world upside-down she’s been amazing. And, believe it or not, I listen to her now.” She paused, thinking back to the Aubrey she had known at college. “I’m still scared of her, though. That won’t ever go away.”

“There’s no need to be scared.”

Beca nudged Chloe with her hip. “Says you. Anyway, are we going to tell her?” Gesturing down to their clasped hands, Beca gave a soft squeeze.

Chloe shrugged. “We don’t have to. I mean, it’s like you said the other night, we’re only just figuring it out. I’ll do whatever makes you comfortable.”

Something about what Chloe said made Beca’s stomach sink. It took until they had taken their spot for the light show before she said anything. “Chlo?” Beca asked softly, waiting a beat before blue eyes blinked back. “I just want you to know you’re ok to be you. With me.”

Chloe scrunched her nose. “I know that, Bec.”

Beca shook her head. “No, I mean it. You… you said you’d do whatever makes _me_ comfortable but, ah, that’s not what this is about. We need to do what makes us feel comfortable, both of us. I… I don’t want you to put my needs above yours. Ever.”

Leaning in close, Chloe leaned her head on Beca’s shoulder. She took a long breath in before she spoke again. “Can we maybe not tell Aubrey yet?” Chloe’s head moved as Beca nodded. She looked up at her. “She’s already got enough to judge me on. I… I don’t want to add something else to the list.”

Chloe’s words felt harsh in Beca’s head. “Why would she judge you for this?” She asked, as gently as she could.

“I told her I was taking some time to find myself, to fix myself, before I could be with anyone after… after him. I said I needed to work on myself so that I didn’t…” Chloe paused and cuddled closer into Beca’s side as they stood, anonymous in the waiting crowds, “I think she’ll worry that I’m going to hurt you.” She paused. “Again.”

Beca wanted to say something back. Too many half-formed thoughts swam in her head, none of them quite coherent enough to make a full reply. As the music began and the lights shone out onto the rippling water of the aquarium’s outdoor fountains, Beca did the only thing she could think of. Turning slightly, she tilted her head and pressed her lips confidently against Chloe’s. “Stop thinking” she whispered, as much for herself as for Chloe, mouth now only inches from the redhead’s ear, “let’s enjoy the pretty lights.” Chloe nodded and Beca held her close. Unable to turn her gaze away completely, she rationalised to herself that watching the way the colours glittered across Chloe’s delicate features wasn’t breaking her promise.

Chloe pulled her car into her space and turned off the engine.

“So. Drink?”

Beca nodded and followed Chloe up to the stairs. Her dad was watching Lennon, having picked him up from school and taken him home. Beca had warned him that the night might run late- she didn’t explain why- and he had given her his blessing to stay out as long as she liked. “I’m retired, Becs. I can sleep in tomorrow.” She’d wanted to retort with something about him being old and not being able to stay up, but instead she’d thanked him, walked out the door and stepped into her waiting cab.

“Sorry about the mess” Chloe said as she pushed the door open. “I was working up until I left to meet you.” She quickly closed her laptop and pushed her documents over to one side of the coffee table. Beca kicked off her shoes and watched as Chloe moved purposefully around the space. “I don’t know if you wanted wine or, ah, I think there’s beer in the cupboard but it won’t be cold and…”

Beca took three confident steps into the kitchen and captured Chloe’s lips in a firm kiss. Breathing out heavily, Beca smiled into their embrace as she felt Chloe’s hands brush over her top, gripping the fabric in her hands as she pulled her in closer. Parting her lips, Beca braced one hand against the kitchen surface, the other caressing Chloe’s jaw before coming to rest just below her ear.

It had only meant to be one kiss. A kiss to say ‘thank you’. A kiss to say ‘stop worrying’. A kiss to say ‘everything will be alright’. As Chloe’s fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her in impossibly close, Beca heard herself whimper, felt the reaction in the way Chloe’s kiss was suddenly commanding and desperate. A hand brushed against the soft skin above her hip, under her shirt, moving upwards at an agonisingly slow pace. Beca moved in closer, letting one of her legs press between Chloe’s as she lost herself once again in the moment.

“Wait” Chloe pulled her lips away. Beca blinked, the kitchen light suddenly harsh. “I can’t…” she shook her head. Beca felt a surge of concern. They had never done this before. They were turning the dial upwards, slowly, exploring new feelings and new skin and new sounds. “I can’t stop thinking about Aubrey.”

Whatever Beca had thought Chloe was going to say, it hadn’t been that. “Really?” She couldn’t help the quizzical raised eyebrow, which made Chloe blush and lean forwards to bury her head in her neck.

“Not like that.” She blinked. “Shut up.”

Beca stepped back to give Chloe some space, pulling her top back into position and tucking her hair behind her ear. “I didn’t say anything.”

Chloe moved to the fridge and pulled out a half-finished bottle of wine. Placing it on the coffee table with two glasses, she settled next to Beca and poured.

“Care to explain why, even from hundreds of miles away, I’m suddenly being cockblocked by Aubrey Posen?” Beca hoped Chloe understood it was a joke. As she caught her eye and saw the smile growing on her face, she relaxed.

Chloe took a sip of her wine and a deep breath. “How on earth do I make up for what I did?”

Beca picked up her own glass and gulped at its contents harshly. The burn helped to dull the sensation she felt whenever she thought about how long she had endured living without Chloe Beale.

“I left. I left everyone so suddenly and there was no warning. No… no nothing.” Chloe put down her glass. “I lay awake at night sometimes and I think about all the things I could have said. All the things I didn’t say. I… I don’t know how to say sorry to her. I hear it in her voice, you know, when she calls. I hear her hurting. I did that. Me. I hurt her, Beca.”

There were so many things Beca could say. Reaching out to take Chloe’s hand and resting it, laced with her own, on her leg, she looked her in the eye. “You don’t need to make up for it, Chloe. Don’t force yourself to do that. Just… Aubrey loves you. She misses you. And she understands why what happened happened. You told her the truth and I think that’s all she could have asked for.” Beca noticed how Chloe had moved her hand to rest on top, anxious fingers playing with the ring on her middle finger, twisting it from side to side. “She wants to see you, wants to be in your life, because you’re Chloe Beale. You’re still Chloe Beale. You’re still kind. You’re still confident. You still have that _thing_ where you can make an entire room of people look at you. You’re beautiful and gentle and important. That’s still you.”

Beca smiled as Chloe pulled her close, fingers pressing at her neck. As Chloe’s eyes began to flutter closed, Beca pulled away and looked at her. “You’re not still thinking about Aubrey, right?”

Chloe shook her head, chuckling, and leaned back in.

The lights were off when Beca arrived home. Walking up to the front door, she pushed it open and quietly set her bag down.

“Hello? Dad?” She stayed quiet until she got into the living room. Dr Mitchell looked up from his position on her couch, one cat on either side of him, and smiled. “Was he ok?”

Dr Mitchell nodded. “Good as gold. He did a picture at school today, by the way. It’s in the kitchen.”

“Thanks.” Beca sat down in one of the armchairs which half-faced the couch and pulled her shoes off.

“Good night?”

She nodded. “Yeah. It was… nice. The aquarium is cool, too. I think I’ll have to take little man there. Maybe once he’s grown a little so he can see properly.”

Beca’s dad looked at her. She wasn’t quite sure what it meant. They had long moved past awkward silences, but he was a thinker. He liked to understand.

“So, this aquarium show with Chloe. Am I wrong to assume it was a … date?”

“Oh, ok. No build-up. We’re going straight there” Beca narrated aloud. Without looking directly at him, she gave her answer. “Yes. It was a date.”

Dr Mitchell smiled. “Well, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” He paused. “So, how long has this been going on?”

“Not long at all. Since Lennon started school, I guess. We’re still figuring things out. It’s hard, though, balancing everything.”

Beca looked up, picking anxiously at her nails. Her dad gave her a knowing nod. “Well, that’s understandable.”

“It is?”

He held his hands out. Talking with his hands was something he had never lost, even after stepping out of the classroom. He would always be a professor at heart. “Of course. There’s been a lot of change, honey. You’re not the people you used to be, as much as you might wish you were. You’ve both got busy lives and careers to think about, plus you’ve got to re-build trust.”

Trust.

The word hit Beca hard.

“I mean, Chloe’s been through an awful lot, sweetheart. It’s going to take a lot for her to trust anybody not to hurt her. Plus, it’s going to take her a long time for her to trust herself; to trust her own mind.”

Beca nodded, drinking in every word.

“And you’ve got to learn to trust her, too. You’ve always been so guarded and so careful about who you let in. Chloe was the one person you let get beyond those walls when you were in college. I confess, I think I was jealous. She got to know you more than I ever could.” Beca wanted to reply, but no words came. “But you can’t just do that now. You’ve got Lennon to think about. And yourself. You’ve got to get to a place where you can trust that she won’t just leave again like she did before.”

Her hands were shaking as Beca reached up to brush her hair off her face. “Shit. Well, that saves me a visit to Dr Phil.”

“Bec, I know I’m not exactly the model for healthy relationships,” _understatement,_ Beca thought, “but you two are wonderful together. A little patience, a little time, it’s not a bad thing.” He looked up at her. “You’re happy, right?”

Beca nodded fervently. “Of course. I mean, it’s Chloe.” She paused. “You’re ok with this? With me dating a… a Chloe?”

Dr Mitchell grinned. “I think you already know the answer to that one, honey. I already told you how wonderful I think she is. For you. And for Lennon.”

“And Sheila?”

“She’ll be fine. I… I’ll keep it to myself for now, though. I’m sure you don’t need the entirety of the south east US knowing your business.” There was a knowing glint in his eye.

“Well, at least there won’t be any more surprise grandkids.”

Dr Mitchell shook his head. “Surprise grandkids are my favourite. The best gift you’ve ever given me.”

Beca nodded and smiled. “Well, thanks for looking after him. And for the therapy.”

“You know, you could always consider going to actual…”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Alright, time to get to your bed old man. That’s enough talking.”

Dr Mitchell chuckled and shook his head. “You know, it scares me how much you remind me of myself.”

“You mean I’ve got you to blame- I mean, thank- for all of this?” Beca tapped her head. “I’ll bear that in mind when I pick your retirement home.”


	32. Angel Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your kind messages. I'm starting to feel much better but obviously have to prioritise catching up on work over writing so posts still may not be as regular as previously. I hope you all understand. Anyway, enjoy!

Beca’s inbox had never been so chaotic.

On top of her usual day-to-day work, there was a new layer of demand from Calista’s people at Sony. The conversations were long and dull and the woman running PR for the album seemed to ‘reply all’ to every shitty query.

Slamming her pen down onto her desk as the sound of yet another email alert rang out into the office, Beca groaned.

“Do I need to stage an intervention?” Pip’s head appeared around Beca’s office door.

Beca opened her mouth to speak when yet another ‘ping’ sounded out through her speakers. “No,” she finally said, ignoring the ringing in her ears, “I’m going. I’m going to pick Lennon up from my dad’s place and I’m going to work from home where this stupid PR woman can’t reach me.”

Pip shook her head. “Beca, it’s honestly as if nobody ever told you that computers are portable now.”

Beca shot a look that was nowhere near as effective as it used to be. “And Personal Assistants are replaceable.”

Pip chucked. “Pretty sure I’m not. In fact, there’s a word for that. Beyoncé even wrote a song about it once. But, ah, I’ll save you a performance.”

“Thank heaven for small mercies” Beca grumbled as she slipped her bag over her shoulder. “Can you just, like, tell Sammy I’ve got an emergency or something? Unless it’s you or Calista, I don’t want to hear from anyone. And even then, you’d better have a good reason.”

Her headache was building, a dull throbbing at the back of her head. Beca blinked, making a mental reminder for the fourth year running that she really should think about getting her eyes tested.

“Go home, Mitchell. Your inbox will still be there in the morning, but I’m sure whatever song you’re trying to get out is strictly limited edition.”

“Thanks” Beca tried to sound grateful. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Beca drove to her dad’s place in blissful silence, trying her best to finish the lyrics in her head. The melody was there, almost, but she couldn’t quite work out where she wanted to take it. Pulling up outside, she watched for a moment as she caught a glimpse of her dad helping Lennon put his shoes on. It reminded her so much of when she had been a kid, of when she had been the one perched on the second step from the bottom as he propped her foot on his knee and tied her laces for her.

Smiling, Beca opened the car door and walked up to the house.

“Mama’s here!” Her dad called before welcoming her in. Beca, as she always did, crouched down with her arms open, waiting for Lennon to come to her. He, as he always did, launched himself into her body and grabbed at her until her forehead was against his button nose.

“Hi, baby” she whispered, speaking only to him. “Did you have a good day?”

Once she had stood up, Beca glanced at her dad for an answer. He shrugged. “Nothing to report. It’s probably all in his book anyway. No pee accidents, though.” Dr Mitchell pulled out his phone and- using one solitary finger- scrolled until he found what he was looking for, “Bec, how cute is that?”

Beca took in the photograph he was showing her. It was of Lennon, in his post-school daze, having a sweet, cuddly moment with Sheila on the couch. She had him up on her lap, tanned arms swaddling him. They both looked peaceful. Happy, even. “Very” she muttered with as much heart as a psychopathic jellyfish. It was hard, even now, to forget the way Sheila- her voice, her name, her coral nail polish- had made her feel in the past. It was hard to forget what she represented and what, in any other lifetime, her world could have looked like without her.

The step monster, as Beca still occasionally called her when she was being particularly _Sheila_ , was the opposite of her mother. She had learned to live with her larger-than-life personality, her quirks and her gossiping and her overbearing sweetness over time, but the adjustment had not been easy. For either of them, Beca realised. Still, the idea of sharing her life- intimate and personal parts of her life- with a stranger her father had chosen over both her and her mom was jarring. It always had been. Her dad had made a choice, all those years ago, when he had introduced the ‘other woman’ to her, when he had made her a part of their lives. He had made a choice and everything, from that moment on, that happened in Beca’s life had been a direct consequence.

Beca blinked as she realised her dad was waiting for more from her. She shook her head and brushed her hair back off her face. She wasn’t usually so irritable, not usually as irked by Sheila’s presence anymore, but her headache was worsening and the thrumming pull at the base of her neck was turning her back into her teenage self.

“Alright, come on mister. Let’s leave grandpa and Nanna to do whatever it is old people do in the afternoon. Maybe, like, a crossword or something. Or a puzzle which is just pictures of birds.”

Dr Mitchell’s half-smile gave away his amusement. Beca shrugged and took Lennon’s bag into her hand before guiding her son out the door.

“See you tomorrow, bud” her father said, waving quickly as they clambered into the car.

Beca leaned back against the headrest as they waited at a stoplight. Glancing back at Lennon, she smiled. Somehow, even just seeing him calm and happy was beginning to soothe the dull pain in her head.

The music cut out as Chloe’s name ran across the screen in her car. Beca smiled and answered the call.

“Hey. What would I have to do for you to let me bake blondies in your kitchen?”

The question was so strange, so _Chloe_ that it took Beca a moment to process. She smiled. “It depends. If I needed an alibi for killing the woman who does PR at Sony could I count on you?”

“You know I’ve always been a very convincing liar. And, if that doesn’t work, I’ll flirt my way out of it for you.”

Beca shook her head. “Where was that attitude when you watched me actually get arrested?” She could almost hear Chloe smile. “Would your answer change if it was the guy who got my coffee order wrong again this morning?”

“Stressed?” Was all the response Beca got.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” The dull ache was still sitting at the back of her head.

“Well then,” Chloe continued, “it’s a good thing I’m at the store buying ingredients for these blondies. Shall I pick up something extra to cheer you up?”

Beca smiled to herself. “Would it be really cheesy of me to say that your presence would be enough.”

“Bec”, it was hard not to imagine her blushing, “is this because I come with the promise of baked goods or…”

Chloe Beale was always one to fish for compliments. Beca was always one to give in and take the bait. “Yes. Because your blondies were the highlight of my senior year and you know they’re basically magic. But also because you’re really pretty.”

“Charmer. Well, I’ll go pay for this stuff and drive over. I’ll bring dinner, too. For all of us.”

Beca glanced in the mirror at Lennon and took a breath. “Perfect.”

Beca should have known that having Chloe in her kitchen would not lead to her getting any more work done. Putting her notebook to the side, she looked over from her seat at the dining table. Chloe had everything laid out on the kitchen island and, without anyone showing her, had found bowls and spoons and all sorts of equipment Beca hadn’t even remembered she owned. Lennon was sat on the counter, legs crossed underneath him, as Chloe helped him hold the spoon in his hand and stir. Together, they poured the mixture into the waiting pan.

Music was ringing out, music that was coming from the Alexa in the corner of the room. Beca watched on as Chloe sang to Lennon, his eyes dancing over her face and smiling as she dramatically exaggerated the lines. Turning to Beca, Chloe smiled and reached out a hand as she sang.

“You you better go and get your train ticket ‘cause you so out of line…”

Beca rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the growing smile on her face. Closing her laptop she walked over to Chloe and took her hand, squeaking as the slightly taller redhead pulled her into a spin that ended with two confident hands on her waist. Lennon clappedand bounced from where he was still sat. Beca reached out and pulled him to her hip, lifting him as she began to sway from side to side. Chloe, still singing along, took Lennon from her and set him down, holding his hands as he began to bounce along to the music. Beca grabbed her phone and took a photo before taking one of Chloe’s hands and one of Lennon’s so they could all dance together.

As the song faded out, she smiled as Chloe leaned her head against her shoulder and kissed the bare skin just above the neckline of her shirt.

Beca turned to face her, Lennon’s hand still in hers, and chuckled. “You’ve got flour all over your face.”

Smirking, Chloe tilted her head and leaned in, capturing Beca’s lips in a brief kiss. She pulled back and let her eyes roam over the sharp features of her face. “And now, so do you.”

As Chloe put the pan into the oven and began to clear up, Beca turned to Lennon and lifted him into his seat. “So, we should probably feed you.” She handed him a toy he had left in the kitchen the night before and walked over to the fridge. “Okay, let’s see… how about you have the last bit of that terrible pasta your Nanna made?” Pulling out the pot, Beca looked apologetically over at her son. Chloe’s hand came to rest on her shoulder. “I got us dinner from the store, Becs. There’s a whole dish of the noodles from the deli right behind where your hand is.” Beca smiled and switched out the hideous leftovers. As she turned around, Chloe had already retrieved a pan ready for her to tip the noodles into.

Chloe smiled over at Lennon as he ate the slice of red pepper Beca had offered him. Beca caught the look and grinned. “He’s so good.”

“He’s the best”, Beca replied, watching as he took another mouthful. “I hope he’s this well behaved when Aubrey meets him.”

Chloe shrugged. “Well, she’s going to love him either way. It’s impossible not to. I mean, he’s just… well, he’s perfect.”

“I wouldn’t go that far” Beca said under her breath, watching as Lennon reached out to grab at the noodles waiting on the fork. “Although, we should probably talk about Aubrey. Do you have any plans?”

Chloe leaned back in her chair and put down her fork. “Not really. I have the afternoon off so I was going to go and meet her at the hotel after her conference and drive her here ready for when you finish work. Little man is staying with your dad, right?” Beca nodded, it had made sense to have dinner with Aubrey at her place since there was room; the privacy of her house and the likelihood of tears from both the blonde ex-captain and Chloe had also been important. Beca would much rather they have their moment together without the stares of strangers. Lennon would never settle with so much going on and so her dad, hero of the hour, had offered for him to sleep at his place.

“Cool. So just dinner?”

“Well, I think we’ll have plenty to talk about, don’t you?”

Beca felt her stomach lurch. There was still something about having perceptive, honest-to-a-fault, reads-you-like-a-book Aubrey Posen in her home that was unsettling her. Still, she smiled. “Yeah, I think so.”

Taking a sip of her water, Chloe’s eyes tracked over Beca. Beca felt it, felt the looks pulling her in, and handed Lennon another mouthful of dinner before turning her head to face the redhead.

“Can I help?” She asked quietly.

Chloe shrugged. “Sorry I can’t help it. I’m making the most of being able to just… stare before Aubrey gets here. I’ll have to be on my best behaviour.”

“Chlo” Beca shook her head, “you’re such a weirdo. Anyway, uncomfortably staring at me is just how you’ve always done things. I don’t think Aubrey would notice anything different.”

Chloe looked her in the eye. A rush ran through Beca’s body as blue eyes seemingly darkened. “Believe me, she’ll notice.”

Beca noticed Lennon getting annoyed and quickly moved the plate out of his reach. Turning back to Chloe she shook her head. “Sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what to say to you.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go”. Beca wrapped her arms around Chloe as she stood at the kitchen island, packing the now-cooked blondies into a box. “You smell like cinnamon.”

Chloe giggled. “Bec, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we really need to work on your pick-up lines.”

Beca gasped. “It wasn’t a pick-up line. It was an observation, that’s all. I like it. Is that a crime? No, didn’t think so.”

Her pout was kissed away before she could continue her tirade.

As Chloe opened her eyes, she noticed Beca smirking. “Well, maybe they don’t need any work after all. If that’s how you react.”

Chloe smiled. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. You’re so cute when you try and reason with me. Anyway, I should go. Oh, also I left a couple blondies for you and Lennon on the side. Just so you didn’t feel like you were missing out.”

Beca beamed. “You are my favourite human” she glanced back to look at Lennon, “alright, maybe second-favourite but only by default. He can’t cook.” Chloe’s laugh, as always, set off fireworks in her heart. “Have fun.I’m sure the veterinary board AGM is as thrilling as it sounds.”

“It is. That’s what the blondies are for. To sweeten everyone up.”

“You are too cute.” Leaning in, Beca kissed Chloe gently. Fighting the urge for more, she stood up straight. “Alright, that’s enough. Call me tonight.”

Chloe nodded and leaned in. “Just one more” she whispered, lips brushing against Beca’s. With a step forwards, she pressed a kiss to her mouth.“Alright. I really should go. Bye Bec. Bye

Lennon!”

Beca turned to her son and waved. “Say ‘bye Coco’?” Nothing. Looking up at Chloe, she shrugged. “Not today. Sorry.”

The house felt uncomfortably empty the moment Chloe left.

Dull pain registered once again as Beca’s hand reached up to soothe the base of her skull. The sudden onset caused her to gasp, a sound that Lennon did not like. Beca turned to him as he moved to cover his ears, sitting cross-legged on the floor opposite him and taking his hands.

“It’s alright, bud” she said quietly, “it’s just mommy being silly.” She shook her head. “It’s just mommy realising that Chloe is basically human Advil. Which… makes more sense than it should.”

Lennon reached out and held her head. Beca blinked, watching his expressions closely as his eyes flickered across her features.

“Anything I can help you with?”

Crawling forwards, Lennon settled on top of Beca’s legs and cuddled himself in close, pulling her arms around his body. Beca smiled and rocked him gently back and forth, just as she had done when he was much smaller. Pressing a kiss to his head, she grinned and began to sing quietly, the words she had been wrestling with all day finally falling into place.

“I wish you understood how special you are” she whispered, stroking a hand lazily through Lennon’s hair as she unlocked her phone and pressed ‘record’. “My beautiful angel.”


	33. Sisters, O Sisters

Chasing a naked child around a house whilst holding his clothes should not have felt as familiar as it did. The thought hit Beca as she cornered a giggling Lennon, hair still wild from sleep, in her bedroom and picked him up, turning him upside down and jiggling his legs. Years of sharing a room with a jelly-wrestling, public-nudity loving Australian had prepared her for parenthood in ways she would never, ever forgive Amy for. Her retinas had been burned on more than one occasion.

“Alright, that’s enough” Beca couldn’t help but grin as she spoke, trying to stay firm, “clothes on.” Crouching down, she managed to get underwear and a t-shirt onto her son before he began to squirm again. “Pants and socks” she said gently, rubbing a hand over his now-clothed back. “Then school.”

  
Laying Lennon back onto her bed as she had done to dress him when he was a baby, Beca groaned as her phone made a ‘ping’ sound. Glancing over at the screen with one hand keeping Lennon in place, she quickly read the message.

**_Jesse:_ ** _Engagement/housewarming at mine tomorrow. You in?_

Once Lennon had pants and socks on and was comfortably rolling around on her bed with Mickey held up over his face, Beca grabbed her phone and took a breath. She dialled.

“Oh hey” Jesse’s voice rang out into the room. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Mitchell?”

Beca chuckled to herself. “Well, I’m immediately regretting calling you.”

“Story of my life. But this is unexpected. Is, ah, is everything ok?”

Lennon chose that specific moment to launch Mickey across the room at the closet door and Beca groaned. “It was. I just have no hands to text.” Crouching down, she picked up the toy. “Sorry, I have not timed this well. I’m still not a great multi-tasker.” Lennon took Mickey back into his hands. “I just wanted to say yes I’m in, but would it be alright for me to bring Aubrey? And Chloe?” Beca let the names hang in the air for a moment. “Aubrey’s in town for the weekend. And Chloe is, well… she’s here too.”

Mickey’s ear made it into Lennon’s mouth as Jesse began to speak. “Chloe? I… I thought she left you guys. I kind of heard from Benji via Emily that she… was gone.”

Beca took a deep breath. “She was. She’s back.”

“And you’re happy? About that?”

It was clear there was a questioning tone underpinning Jesse’s question. Beca’s mind took her back to their tearful conversation and their time in New York, the knowing look in his eye whenever the topic of the perky redhead came up. Beca cleared her throat. “Of course I’m happy.”

“Because you still like her?”

Beca let her eyes focus on Lennon for a moment, fingers tapping against her leg. Finally, she spoke. “Maybe.” A loud alarm rang out through the phone. “Sorry, Jesse. That’s my ‘get the kid ready for school’ alarm. I… I should go. But text me the address and we’ll see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow. And, ah, thanks for calling, by the way. It was nice to hear your voice.”

“Shut up, weirdo” Beca said with as much affection as she could muster. Once the call ended, she slipped her phone into her pocket and held out a hand to pull Lennon off the bed. “Alright, bud. School time. And then grandpa’s house for you. For a whole night. So mommy can get her wine and tears on without worrying about you.” Leaning in, she kissed his head before attempting to flatten down his wild waves. “Ok, baby. Let’s go find that bus.” Lennon heard ‘bus’ and, before Beca could reach out for him, he was halfway down the stairs, Mickey still in his hand.

Beca’s headphones were tight enough across her head that her ears felt warm. She shuffled her mouse back and forth in her hand, listening as she tried once again to lay a beat that made sense under a track she was becoming less and less sure she liked. Her phone lit up with the arrival of a message and Beca took it as her cue to finally leave the chair she had been glued to, unsuccessfully, for hours. “JJ?” She called out, waiting for her assistant to face her, “the track on my laptop… I have no idea where to go with it. Do… do you think you could listen to it and maybe come up with something? No pressure or anything, I just…”

JJ had nodded enthusiastically and was already slipping on the headphones by the time Beca got to the office door. “I’ll be back in twenty.”

Stepping out of the room, she took a breath and unlocked her phone. Chloe’s ‘can I call?’ message was unexpected; Chloe never usually asked before she did. Beca couldn’t help but wonder if the prospect of seeing Aubrey again was finally catching up with her. Trying to think of what to say, she dialled and pressed her phone to her ear.

“Hey” Chloe said as she answered. “Sorry, were you busy?”

“Not really. I wasn’t getting anywhere. Your message could not have come at a better time. Anyway, are you alright?”

Beca heard Chloe’s sigh. Felt it, almost. “I’m nervous, Becs.”

Beca completely understood. She was feeling it too, a sense of unease inside herself she had been wrestling with ever since Aubrey had booked her hotel. She had no idea what it was for or where it had come from. She took a breath. “Chloe, you’ll be fine. It’s like I said, she loves you. She missed you. All she wants is to know you’re alright. And… you are, right? You’re ok?”

“Of course I am. I am now.” Beca knew what Chloe was implying. She felt herself blush. “I guess I just need to get it over with.”

“You can do it. It’s Aubrey. She knows you. She knows us both better than we probably know ourselves. Whatever you could say to her, she’s already one step ahead.” Beca tried to sound reassuring. Internally, she realised that that was exactly why she was so anxious.

The uncomfortable sensation in Beca’s gut didn’t leave. Her mind couldn’t conjure any coherent thoughts beyond chilling a bottle of wine and sliding the lasagne into the oven at the right time. Something was there, she was sure, clouded by time, distance and her overriding concern that Chloe was no longer answering her texts. Something was there, just below the surface, threatening to burst out.

The doorbell rang. Beca reached out and tipped the last of her first glass of wine into her mouth as she walked towards the door. Wiping at her lips, she opened it.

She had tried to smile, tried to do the ‘welcoming housewife’ act she had only ever seen Sheila perform. It hadn’t stuck. The moment Beca laid eyes on Aubrey, felt her senses engulfed in the familiarity of her presence, her knowing smile and the scent of honeysuckle from her fancy perfume, the _something_ clawed its way to her throat. Shaking her head, somehow wishing the motion would dislodge the lump in her throat so she could swallow it back down, Beca pulled Aubrey into a tight hug, resting her head on the blonde woman’s shoulder.

“You’re here.”

It hadn’t been what she had meant to say.

None of it had been planned.

Opening her eyes slowly, she met the glassy gaze of Chloe. Her soft smile, lips twitching as new tears threatened to fall, was enough to make Beca’s heart race. She reached out with the arm still around Aubrey and took Chloe’s hand.

“Look at us” Aubrey finally said, wiping at her eyes. “Who would have thought, hey? The ice queen and the tiny tearaway finally showing our emotions without punching someone or throwing up.”

Beca smiled as best she could. The sensation of lightness in Aubrey’s presence coupled with the heavy pit in her gut still pushing her downwards left her unbalanced and off-kilter. “Finally.” The oven timer went off. Beca took a breath. “Okay, I’m going to go and deal with that. Chlo, can you be in charge of drinks?”

By the time Beca returned to the dining room, steaming dish of lasagne carefully balanced in her mitt-encased hands, Chloe had poured out three generous glasses of wine and both women were smiling.

“You know, Chloe’s been telling me about this lasagne since last week. What’s the big deal?”

Chloe tilted her head. “Well, if you weren’t listening the first nine times I told you, Beca’s signature dish is the best. I asked her to make it for you.”

“She’s just proud I no longer burn rice” Beca said with a knowing grin. “Aubrey, will you pass your plate?”

“So what exactly was your conference thing for?” Beca asked as she watched Aubrey take a sip of her wine. “Did you say it was pregnancy yoga?” They had kept the conversation light, work-related and strangely formal. The whole evening so far had felt stunted, like they were play-acting their way through the entire ordeal. Chloe had stayed quiet, opting to watch Beca and Aubrey rather than join in. It hadn’t gone unnoticed, but Beca kept her eyes trained on the blonde captain sat opposite her and smiled as she tried to show she was listening.

“Antenatal yoga, yeah. We already offer a program on one of our retreat packages, but this course was specifically about spirituality and inner strength. It was all far too corporate for us but I’ll probably steal some of their techniques and stuff. They did a whole session on the pelvic floor which was pretty neat.”

Beca scoffed. “I don’t think anyone has ever referred to the pelvic floor as ‘pretty neat’. You always were very strange, Posen.”

Aubrey smiled. “I guess. Anyway, I’m fascinated by the biology of childbirth. I didn’t think I would be, even when I started to consider a career change from team building, but the human body is amazing. I mean, the fact that you’re designed, your body is made, to carry a baby to term and deliver it is… well, it’s incredible.”

“It’s pretty cool” Beca said quietly, noting that Chloe hadn’t said a word. “I, ah, I can’t say I thought that at the time, though. I was mainly begging for more drugs and asking anyone and everyone to just get it over with and get him out of me.”

Aubrey chuckled. “I can imagine.”

Chloe rose from the table. Beca turned to look at her, eyes asking silently if she was alright. She cleared her throat. “I’ll take the plates into the kitchen, Bec.”

As soon as she left the room, Aubrey stopped hiding her concern. “Is she alright?” By the time she had finished her question, Beca was already out of her chair and walking towards the kitchen.

Chloe put the dishes in the dishwasher one at a time. Beca cleared her throat.

“Hey”. Chloe’s eyes were still puffy, still giving away her uncertainty as pupils roamed over Beca’s features. “Are you alright? I’ve never known you to be this quiet.”

Chloe shrugged. “I still find it hard to hear about you then. I still hate myself for the fact that you needed me and I wasn’t there. It… it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s ok, in my heart I know I should have put you first. You and Aubrey and everyone else except him.”

Beca reached down and took Chloe’s hand. “But sweetie, you did. You put yourself first in the end, which is the bravest thing you could have done. I know it’s hard, alright, and I’ll change the conversation when we go back in, but you need to hear me. You need to hear that I feel so lucky that you’re here now. I feel so lucky that we’re doing this. I feel… Chloe, you have to know that the past is the past. Right now? You’re here. I’m here. Nothing else matters.”

Resting her forehead against Chloe’s, Beca leaned in to softly capture her lips. After a breath, Chloe’s hand moved to rest against her shoulder as she intensified their embrace.

“Well,” Aubrey’s voice cut through their moment, “this explains a lot.”

Beca felt herself blush and let her head fall forward to rest on Chloe’s shoulder, looking sideways-on at Aubrey.

“Can you both stop being so weird now?”

The laugh that erupted from both Beca and Chloe was tinted with relief.

“Can I ask how long?”

They had moved into the living room with the rest of the bottle of wine.

“Not that long” Chloe answered Aubrey’s question first, “it’s all still quite new.”

Aubrey’s eyes glanced over to Beca, who was still staying quiet. She watched as Chloe turned over her hand and Beca took it in her own.

“Does anyone else know?”

Beca took a breath and half-glanced across at Chloe. “Emily saw us together but not… not like that. My dad sort of knows,” she checked Chloe’s expression, “and, ah, Jesse may have an idea. Actually, on the topic of Jesse,” Chloe tensed up and Beca shook her head, “he’s just got engaged. And has a new house. Because he is a functioning adult now. He’s having a party tomorrow night and invited us.”

Aubrey nodded and Chloe smiled.

“You know, I think if this had happened before, I would probably not have been pleased” Aubrey said after a moment’s pause, gesturing down to Chloe and Beca’s still-clasped hands. “You” she looked at Beca, “were a pain in the ass”, Chloe giggled, “and you,” Aubrey’s eyes trained on the redhead, “needed to learn to be independent.” She took a sip of her wine. “I think this is kind of my way of giving you my blessing. Although you don’t need it.”

Chloe let out a long breath as her shoulders sank back down to their normal position. “Actually, I think I did. I… thank you. It means a lot.”

Aubrey smiled genuinely. “I’ve missed you both so much. I’ve missed just… hanging out like this. I always thought, back at Barden, that we’d be in our thirties and we’d be drinking wine in each other’s houses and just… this is it. This is what I was waiting for.”

“God” Beca’s exclamation came out of nowhere. Chloe couldn’t help but smile as she noticed the brunette subtly trying to wipe at her eyes. “I really missed you too, ok?”

Chloe leaned in and kissed her head. “Proud of you.”

“Proud of you” Beca said back.

“Alright, I get it, you’re adorable together” Aubrey said with a slight grin. “You know, the others have missed you too. They, ah, they know I’m here. We… we set up another group chat a few years ago because we thought all the ‘where’s Chloe’ talk was upsetting Beca.” Both Beca and Chloe tensed up. “It’s alright, we just… we thought your radio silence was because you were upset with us for talking about it all the time. Well, until you told us you were pregnant. Although, actually, even then I think we all suspected that it hadn’t been the sole reason you’d been so distant.”

Beca cringed. “Correct.”

“Anyway, I promised them I’d ask you both, so here goes.” Aubrey sat up. “Next year will be ten years since Worlds. I have plenty of space up at the retreat for us to have a reunion or a party of some sort. Of course, it wouldn’t be a reunion without both of you there. I… I think that’s long enough for you to make amends. Chloe, I haven’t told anyone why you went away or what happened, that’s your story to tell. But a year should be long enough, right? To explain. They’ll understand.”

Chloe nodded. It was clear from Aubrey’s tone that this was the request, not a suggestion, of a former captain.

“Can I take a photo? I kind of promised I would.”

Both Beca and Chloe nodded. Aubrey pulled out her phone and positioned herself so that they were all in the frame. As the timer counted down, Beca smiled as she realised Chloe was turning to face her. The shutter sound went off just as Chloe’s lips pressed against her cheek.

Aubrey glanced down at her phone and smiled. “Well, I guess that saves me the job of telling them.” She paused and shook her head. “Also, I think Fat Amy might be about to finally cash in on the ‘Bloe Bet’ she started back in her sophomore year.”

“The what?”

Aubrey rolled her eyes. “You heard me.”

Aubrey ordered a taxi back to her hotel with the promise that she would see both of them the following day. As Beca’s front door closed and car drove away, Chloe smiled.

“Well, I think that went better than in my head. So that’s good.”

Beca nodded. “I still can’t believe she was here. Like, it’s been so long and she looks so good.”

“She always did.”

Rather than respond, Beca yawned. Smiling, she shook her head. “Alright, I think I’ve had enough of thinking and feeling for today.” Glancing around as if someone might be listening, she pulled Chloe into her and wrapped her arms around her waist. “So, I’ve got the house to myself. Which never happens. And you’re here.”

“Yeah” Chloe said quietly, “would you look at that.”

“I, ah, I’m guessing it wouldn’t be out of line for me to ask you to, ah… stay?”

Chloe tried not to laugh. “You know, your flirt game is horrendous.”

“Yes, but it’s working, right?”

“It is.”

Beca grinned and held out her hand. “So, bed?”

Chloe nodded and followed her girlfriend up the stairs.


	34. Jealous Guy

The baby monitor was switched off. It took Beca a second to remember why. Basking in the silence for a moment, in the sensation of calm, she took a breath and turned to her right.

“Good morning.”

It was impossible not to notice how incredible Chloe looked, even first thing in the morning. As blue eyes met blue, Beca felt herself begin to smile.

“Hi.”

The giggle that came out of her mouth was light and uncharacteristically girlish. Chloe’s knowing look did nothing to help and Beca began to pull the covers over her face to hide her growing blush.

“Hey.” A firm hand pushed the sheets back down. “Don’t hide it. I love it when you’re all cute. I love knowing I do this to you.” Chloe shuffled closer, fingers playing with the hemmed edge of the duvet cover. “I… I know I said it last night, probably too many times, but oh my God, Bec.” She stopped her sentence as her smile turned into a chuckle.

Beca grinned. “Yeah. You did say that a lot.”

The gentle shove to her side was expected. Chloe shook her head. “Hey! I just… I meant to say that I know I said it a lot last night, but you’re beautiful.” She paused, taking a long look at Beca that would- in most other circumstances- have made the younger woman feel uncomfortable. With Chloe, however, all the moment did was dial up the warm feeling rushing through her entire body. “Truly beautiful.”

“Well, you don’t need me to say it back but you’re beautiful too.”

Chloe leaned in to press a gentle kiss to Beca’s temple.

“What time is it?” Beca asked.

“A little after eight. What time are you picking Lennon up?”

Beca sat up and stretched her back out. “I said to dad I’d get there for 11. Is, ah, is the plan for you to go out with Aubrey and then we’ll meet you at the stables after?”

Chloe nodded, pulling herself up into a sitting position and tying her hair back. “Yeah. I put my spare boots and some clothes into the car yesterday so I wouldn’t have to circle back if… if I ended up staying here.” She smiled at the way Beca suddenly looked away. “I have boots that will fit you as well, by the way. If you decide you want to join us.”

Beca shook her head. “I’m all good. I’ll just watch from a safe distance and keep the kid entertained.” She felt Chloe’s head shake disapprovingly. “What?”

“Nothing” Chloe shrugged, “I guess I just thought that, of all three of us, the girl who went to a private boarding school where they had an actual polo team and a dressage display group would be more enthusiastic about the idea of exercising ponies with her girlfriend and her best friend.”

The word _girlfriend_ still didn’t feel real. Beca smiled. “Absolutely not. Anyway, you know that I was at that boarding school under complete duress and did not socialise one bit with anyone remotely involved in anything horse-related. Or do anything not staying-in-my-room related.” She clocked Chloe’s knowing look before she continued. “And, second, I only agreed to join you at the yard to visit Tiny Tony. We’re friends. He understands me.”

Chloe clicked her tongue against her teeth. “One day, Bec,” she began, “I will get you on the back of a horse with me.”

“Okay, well I don’t want to make this a _thing_ because I know then you won’t leave it alone so I’m just gonna nod and smile.”

Chloe chuckled to herself. Beca was unsure whether or not to be scared. Experience had taught her, many times over, that a Chloe with an idea in her head was a tenacious and unpredictable force. “I did it with acapella and I will do it with this.” She smiled as she turned to Beca. “Although not right now because I need a shower and to eat something and being in bed with you when you’re looking at me like _that_ is not helping.”

“Looking at you like what?” Beca asked, half-curious and half-flirting.

“Like you spent half of last night with your hands on my boobs.”

Beca’s jaw hit the floor. With a knowing grin, Chloe raced off towards the bathroom, her melodic laugh following her down the hallway.

“Chloe Beale!” Beca let her head fall back to crash into the pillow with a loud groan. “Why do I never have any idea what to say to you?”

Beca pulled the car into the yard and parked just behind Chloe. It felt strange to be back in that place, only weeks later, knowing so much had happened since she had last been there. The stables were such a part of Chloe’s life, such a part of their story and- Beca realised- soon, they would be a key part of Lennon’s life, too.

Turning to face behind her, she smiled at the sight of her son dressed in the outfit Chloe had picked out for him, his little body warmer making him look like the world’s smallest Michelin man in his car seat.

“Alright, bud. Remember what we said? Mommy and Lennon are going to go see Coco and the horses. Can you show me how you sign horse?” Lennon tried his best to copy the sign as Beca showed him. She grinned. “Good try. Can you say ‘horse’?” He opened his mouth and made a ’s’ sound. “Close enough.” Climbing out of the car, she walked around and quickly unbuckled him, letting him down onto the ground and immediately taking his hand. “Okay, let’s go.”

With her bag of tricks (juice, snacks, Mickey, iPad, ear defenders, coupons and a tiny plastic Elmo) on her shoulder, Beca locked the car and began to walk Lennon towards the main part of the yard where she could see horses and hear the sound of joyful laughter; a sound she had been missing for far too long. As soon as they got close enough that Lennon could see, Beca felt him lurch forwards and quickly scooped him up onto her hip. “Easy, keen bean” she said gently, “who can you see?”

As they approached, Chloe closed the stable door and brushed herself down. Aubrey, only a few paces behind her, waved sweetly.

“Ma-aaaa!” Lennon reached out, kicking his legs excitedly. “Co co co!”

“Honestly, I hear your name more than anything else in my house.”

Chloe smiled as she reached out to touch Lennon’s waving hand. “Well, that’s the way it should be.” She winked. Beca shook her head, hoping she wasn’t blushing. “Hello, little man. How was your sleepover with grandpa?”

Beca brushed back Lennon’s hair. “He was good apparently. Only kept them up with his antics until about 9 and then started his usual screaming for attention routine again at 5. Sheila was thrilled.”

“I bet.” Aubrey added, smiling at Lennon with her eyes wide. “Nice to finally meet you in person, mister.”

Beca set Lennon down and once again held onto his hand. Aubrey crouched in front of him and sat, for a moment, in comfortable silence. Lennon turned and clung to Beca’s leg, peeking out at the blonde from behind a curtain of mousy waves.

“Sorry. He, ah, he needs a run-up with new people. Especially new people in new places. He might take a while.”

Aubrey smiled genuinely. “Well, there’s no rush. We’ve got all the time in the world to get to know each other. I’m not going to let your mommy go more than a few months without letting me visit now I’ve got her back.”

Beca’s smile grew across her cheeks as Aubrey caught her eye.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

Chloe cleared her throat, her eyes glassy as she grinned. “You two are adorable. I’m so glad you can actually stand one another now.” Beca and Aubrey both chuckled. “Anyway, Becs, do you think I could take Lennon out to meet Tony? You can come too, of course.”

Beca nodded. “Sure.”

Chloe reached out and took Lennon’s hand, helping him walk over the muddy terrain in his little boots. Beca hung back slightly, walking alongside Aubrey and watching on. As they reached the paddock, Chloe called Tony towards her with a click of her tongue and got down onto Lennon’s level, holding her hand over his as she showed him how to pet the pony in front of them.

Beca reached into her pocket and quickly snapped a photo.

“Are you alright?” Aubrey’s voice was quiet, as if she didn’t want anyone but Beca to hear her. “You’ve been super quiet. It’s weird.”

Beca shrugged. “I don’t know. I… I’m alright, it’s just that…” She took a breath, thinking back to how wonderful her night with Chloe had been. Her memory brought forth images of gentle hands and languid kisses and Chloe’s warm body against hers. It had been blissful, but it had been the first night she had spent without her son in her home. She hadn't been comfortable giving herself entirely to Chloe, with one thought still plaguing her. In order to have _her_ , she would have to lose him, if only for a little while. “I think I’m worried that I can’t be what she needs. I don’t know if I can be that person for her and also be Lennon’s mom.”

Aubrey turned to look at her, trying to contain her shock. “I just thought you were uncomfortable because of me catching you yesterday.” She paused, eyes gently grazing over Beca’s expression. “How long have you been thinking like this?”

“It comes and goes” Beca explained. “I guess I just need to get used to it all, but it’s not easy. It was just me and him for four years. I’ve never, ever had both of these people- the people I care about the most- in my life at the same time. I never thought I would, to be honest. But now I have and I’m…” she took a breath, “I’m finding it hard to know how to be what they both need.”

“You’ll figure it out” Aubrey said carefully. “You always do, in the end. Anyway, they both adore you. You adore them. Nothing else really matters. You just need to work out what feels right.”

“Yeah” Beca admitted, watching on as Chloe guided Lennon’s hand over the horse’s dark mane, “I guess you’re right.”

“I know. I’m always right.”

Aubrey headed back to her hotel after their time at the stables to get ready for Jesse’s party. Chloe had gone home to shower and change and had agreed to pick Beca up on the way back into the city. Beca had arrived at the house with Lennon and had decided it would be most sensible for them both to have a shower together. As she piled toys into the shower and attached the safety mat to stop him slipping over, she smiled at him.

“Did you have fun today, dude?”

He didn’t look up, already enthralled by the plastic stacking cups she had laid out. “Nnnnn”

Beca shrugged. “That’s nice, bud. So, tonight you’ve got Pip coming to see you.” He looked up at her and Beca couldn’t help but smile. “Oh, did you miss Pip?”

“Ah-ah”

“Yes, okay. So, Pip’s coming to see you and do bedtime. Mommy and Coco and Aubrey are going to go party and see people who make us feel old and under-accomplished.”

Lennon didn’t respond. He stayed focussed on the stacking cups up until the point where Beca attempted to wash his hair. As he began to scream, the cups flew everywhere. She sighed and quickly rinsed out the shampoo, giving up on her own hair before jumping out to wrap them both in warm towels. As she held Lennon close to her body, Beca tried her best to feel enthusiastic about Jesse’s party. The weight in the pit of her stomach, however, hadn’t gone away.

Chloe let herself into the house as soon as she arrived. Calling out, she followed Beca’s response until she found her in the bedroom, blow-drying her own hair while Lennon sat with his iPad and his headphones on.

“Hey. Who… who’s got him tonight?”

“Pip” Beca said as she tried to brush out her waves, “she’ll be here soon.”

As Beca plugged in her flat iron, she naturally glanced back to check whether Lennon was safely out of the way. In the mirror, she watched as Chloe chatted to him, getting him to take his ear defenders off as she sang gently along to the song on his iPad.

Chloe caught her eye and smiled.

“So what were you talking to Aubrey about earlier? It looked serious.”

Beca swallowed, then shrugged, trying to loosen the tension in her shoulders. “Oh, it was nothing. Just talking about Lennon mainly.”

Chloe’s darting eyes gave away how little belief she had in what Beca had said. Sighing she nodded. “Alright. Well, why don’t I take this little one downstairs until Pip gets here so you can get ready in peace?”

Beca waited until Chloe and Lennon had left before she looked in the mirror. Her narrow eyes and surly expression matched the one Chloe had displayed when she talked about Aubrey. Jealousy, it seemed, did not look good on either of them.


	35. I'm Losing You

As Chloe and Beca walked up to Jesse’s house, Beca spotted Aubrey waiting outside.

“Hey. Are you ready for this?”

Chloe shook her hair and ran her fingers through it. “It’s been so long since we did this. I feel like I’m expecting a topless frat guy to be laid out on the lawn with lipstick on his chest or for there to be some kind of weird drinking game based exclusively on Madonna lyrics.”

Aubrey caught Chloe’s eye and smiled. Beca nodded. “Well, I for one am glad those days are behind us. Although,” she spotted the couple walking through the door ahead of them, “I think we’re probably going to still get some close-up magic and at least one attempt at a sing-along courtesy of Mr and Mrs Applebaum.”

“Yep, still not gonna believe that’s a thing” Chloe said under her breath as the trio approached the house’s beautifully restored porch.

“Well, aca-believe it, bitches” Emily turned around to grin at her captains, her youthful smile still as wide and enthusiastic as a decade before. Aubrey stepped forward and pulled the tall brunette into a crushing hug. “Oh, woah” Emily said as she stepped back, “you still smell like honeysuckle.”

The snort that came from Beca’s face was enough to turn her skin scarlet. “Wow, you’re still as dorky as ever.” She held one arm out as Emily leaned into her. “Nice to see you again.”

“Ladies” Jesse leaned against the heavy front door as he greeted his guests. “Welcome.”

“Thanks for inviting us, Jesse” Aubrey said politely. “It’s… it’s good to see you.”

“You too” Jesse said awkwardly. “There’s drinks in the kitchen and Faith’s laid out some snacks and stuff in the dining room. I’m just going to set up the pool table in the garage, but I’ll come find you when I’m done.”

As he walked out into the darkness leaving the girls stood in the entrance of his home, Chloe shrugged. “You know,” she said to Aubrey, “I always kind of figured you two would end up together.” Catching Beca’s quirked eyebrow, she smiled. “I mean, I just imaged you’d make a cute couple. Obviously not now, though.”

Beca shook her head. “Chlo, you do know people can date outside of their graduating class, right? Or, like, off their college campus?”

“I really don’t think you can argue that point, Beca” Emily said gently, looking knowingly between the shorter brunette and the redhead.

Aubrey smiled and nodded. “Kid’s got a point. But, no. I… I think that, ah, that particular idea may have been way too weird. Anyway, let’s get drinks.”

As Aubrey walked into the kitchen, Emily watched on. Beca caught her staring and turned to face her, a confused look on her face.

“She always kind of scared me” Emily said quietly, “I think she still does. She’s just so… sure of herself, you know? She’s so _Aubrey._ ”

Beca nodded. “I get exactly what you mean. Even my kid seemed to respect her like she was his captain.” Emily’s eyes widened and Beca cursed the fact that she had managed to drag her son into the conversation so early. It was one of the things she had always been conscious of; the idea that being a parent was suddenly the most significant thing about her. “Sorry”, Beca continued, “I hate it when parents just bring up their kids like everyone else cares.”

“But I do care” Emily responded gently. “Plus, it’s nice to see you so happy.”

Beca followed Emily’s eye line to where Chloe and Aubrey were chatting as they poured drinks. “Yeah, it’s good” she said gently. “Anyway, I really missed you this week.” Beca realised as she spoke that, in her head, she was a few paces ahead of Emily. She paused and shook her head. “Sorry, I’m being weird. I… what I meant to say was that I, ah, I really could have done with your skills. I’m starting to write music, like actual lyrics, and I honestly need to bow down to you because it’s hard. I don’t get how you do it.”

Emily shrugged. “I always liked it. I guess I always found it easy. But, then again, I could never mix like you. Which is why you’re the professional.”

Beca smiled over her shoulder as Chloe re-approached and handed her a glass of white wine. “Well, I may be calling on you for advice before too long. I mean, I’m working with Calista on it but, you know, she’s a busy girl and …” Beca tailed off as she realised she was about to explain to Emily exactly what made writing songs so hard. It wasn’t the subject matter, but the way it made her feel. Writing meant being honest with herself, something she had tried to avoid doing as much as possible for most of her adult life. She tried to put her thoughts to the back of her mind.

“I’m sorry, let me just pick up that name you dropped” Jesse approached the group and winked at Beca. “Did you just say you’re working with Calista?”

Beca realised that only Emily and Jesse looked impressed. “Yeah. I… I produced her last album and, ah, she’s helping me by returning the favour and writing on some tracks.”

“What is your life?” Jesse shook his head and smiled at the tall blonde woman by his side. “Babe, this is Beca. Beca, this is Faith.”

Beca smiled at the beautiful woman and glanced down to check out the glistening rock on her ring finger. “Oh, wow.” She cleared her throat. “Sorry, let me try again. Hello. I… I’ve heard a lot about you.” Faith grinned and pulled Beca into a tight hug. Beca inhaled, breathing in a sweet perfume so unlike anything she would choose for herself. As she stepped back, she glanced at Jesse. “Well, I guess you weren’t lying when you said you don’t have a type. You traded _up,_ dude.”

Jesse grinned and glanced at Chloe, who was shaking her head at Beca’s ridiculous attempts to behave like a normal human being in adult company. “Well, _dude_ , I think we both did.”

“I’ll drink to that” Beca tilted her glass to Chloe’s before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. As she opened her eyes, she noticed the way Emily grinned at both of them. “What?”

Emily shrugged. “Nothing. I'm just glad I, ah, put my wager in back in my freshman year. I mean, I thought you were already dating back then. No offence, Jesse.”

  
Jesse waved his hand and shook his head. “None taken. I had eyes, too.”

Chloe leaned against Beca, head resting on her shoulder for a moment. Beca took a breath before wrapping an arm protectively around her waist and rubbing her hand over her girlfriend’s hip. “Well, we got there eventually” Chloe said gently, “I, ah, I guess we just took our time.” She smiled, eyes suddenly full of mirth. Beca braced herself. “I mean, you could say that we both got our ticket for the long way around?”

Beca groaned, louder than she had been expecting to, and shook her head. “I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. You’re lucky you’re that pretty. Seriously, Chlo.” As blue eyes creased at the corners, the heavy thundering of Beca’s racing heart hit her with a lurch that made her feel sick. “Weirdo.” The teasing remark seemed to calm her for a moment.

“So, does anyone want a tour?” Faith smiled at the group. Everyone nodded and began to follow Faith through the house as she talked about the renovations. Beca stood back, noticing Jesse was still by her side.

“You’re being weird” Jesse said quietly once everyone had moved out of earshot. “Come on. Time for a little pep talk. And for me to school you at pool.”

Beca followed Jesse out of the house, the heaviness in her gut still making her feel strange. He opened the garage door, put down his peer and handed her a pool cue. “So, you and Chloe are a thing.”

“Yeah.” Beca stood back as he took his first shot. “It’s new, though.”

“And is that why you’re being weird? Because it was a secret before? Or, like, is it because Aubrey’s here? I mean, dude, it’s good to see you happy and I know you must be thrilled to have them both back in your life, but you’ve got this weird look in your eye and it makes me worried. The last time you looked like that, we broke up.”

Beca sighed. “This… this is what I always wanted, right?”

Jesse put down his pool cue and picked up his beer. Eyes now full of concern, he stood next to Beca and leaned his back on the pool table. “Okay, I know you’ll freak out if I say something too strong, but hear this ok? You need this. You both do. You and Chloe you’re… you’ve always been best together.” He took a swig of his drink. “Don’t push her away because you’re scared. You’re scared because this means something, because you don’t want to lose what you are, and I get it, but honestly you need to trust yourself and let yourself fall.”

Beca smiled. “Heard that before.”

“Well, it’s still true.”

“Maybe” Beca shrugged, deciding now, in her ex-boyfriend’s garage, was as good a place as any to air her thoughts, “but it’s not just me, is it? Being with Chloe changes everything. For Lennon, too. It… I’ve got to think about what it means for him. And what knowing him means for Chloe. I… I’m doing what I always swore I’d never forgive my dad for. I’m introducing my kid to someone he never wanted and… I’m making her important for him. I’m making her someone significant in his life, someone who is close enough to hurt him or hurt me or leave again. And that’s not fair because he can’t tell me if he hates it.”

Beca let out a long breath as Jesse patted her arm. “Better?” She nodded. Jesse smiled sympathetically. “Look, Chloe makes you happy. And happy Beca means happy Lennon. It’s easy.” He sighed. “It’s not like it was when you were a kid, Becs. There’s no other woman. There’s no heartbreak and no affair. It’s just two people who love one another and a little boy who has two great people in his life to take care of him.”

“I just… what if it all backfires? What if I’m so infatuated with Chloe that it’s hurting Lennon and I don’t see it? What if…”

Jesse took Beca’s hands and forced her to look at him. “Chill out, Cinderella. I know you had a shitty time when you were a kid and I know you blame your dad and the affair for all of it, but this is different. Chloe is not Sheila. Got it?”

Beca nodded. As the door opened, Jesse dropped her hands. Chloe stepped into the space, eyeing them both suspiciously. “Is everything ok?”

Beca nodded, plastering on a fake smile as Jesse’s words pounded at her head. “Yeah, all good.”

“Well, then stop being an introvert for five minutes and come make friends. We’ve got one more night with Aubrey and I’m not letting you spend it hiding away.” Beca looked up, noticing Jesse had gone. Leaning in, she kissed Chloe’s lips gently. Chloe smiled. “Come on, Bec.Let’s see if you’ve still got all those moves I taught you.”

Pushing down every instinct to hide or run or simply drink too much to be able to think, Beca took a breath and Chloe’s waiting hand and followed her back out into the house.

The truth, she decided, could wait for just one more day.


	36. Nobody Loves You (When You're Down and Out)

Monday morning chaos was, after a busy weekend, the last thing Beca wanted to deal with. Pulling Lennon into her lap, she picked out the cards she had printed out and stuck them onto the wall in what was slowly becoming her son’s corner of the living room.

“Okay, so it’s Monday” she held up the symbol. “Lennon is going to go with Chloe in the car” she glanced up to where Chloe was stood in the corner of the room dressed in her ‘animal therapy’ work attire of jeans, riding boots, a comfortable t-shirt and a light jacket with her company’s logo emblazoned on the back, “and you’re going to go to school. No bus today.” The word ‘bus’ was all it took for Lennon’s eyes to widen. Beca smiled sympathetically. “No bus today, buddy. Car and Coco instead.” She tapped the picture of Chloe which she had put on the wall. “Then, grandpa will pick you up from school and Lennon goes to the park.” Lennon leaned back into her and Beca took a moment to breathe in his scent, pressing her lips to his forehead. “Okay, cutie. You and Coco should hit the road. Mama’s got to go and pick up Posen and get to the airport.”

Pulling herself up, Beca held out her hand and got Lennon to his feet. “Okay, let’s go.” Quickly making sure she had everything, Beca led the three of them out of the front door and onto the driveway. Chloe unlocked her car and opened the back door. Beca noticed that there was a brand new car seat and felt a strange shiver run through her body. Swallowing, she smiled.

  
“Woah, that… you got a seat for him? I was just going to transfer mine over.”

Chloe shrugged. “I just thought it made more sense. It saves you having to juggle. Anyway, if I’m going to be at Arbor West every week or so, I might as well have the option to bring him with me. Especially if work is going to get busier for you. I… I thought that would be alright?”

Beca let out a breath and smiled. “Of course it is.” She lifted Lennon into the seat and quickly buckled him in. “Thank you.”

The gentle press of Chloe’s lips on hers felt reassuring and comfortable. “Have a good day. Tell Aubrey I’ll call her tomorrow.”

“Of course.” Beca watched as Chloe closed the door and walked around to the other side of her car. She waved through the window as Lennon looked out, Mickey squashed against his cheek. “Drive safe.”

A sense of sadness hit Beca as she walked into the airport with Aubrey pulling her case behind her.

“Shall we grab a coffee before I have to go? I’ve got time.” Beca nodded at Aubrey’s gentle smile and followed her to the small arrangement of chairs and tables near the check-in desks. “Let me get these” she said, “I’m guessing your order hasn’t changed?”

Beca shook her head and smiled as Aubrey pulled out her wallet and joined the line of waiting passengers at the coffee stand. Sitting down at a table in the corner, she pulled the blonde’s case close to her and set down her bag. She watched as Aubrey confidently stepped up to the server with her trademark ‘I get what I want’ smile; the way she always seemed so confident was one of the things Beca had come to admire the most about her former captain. Very few situations threw her; even seeing Chloe again and dealing with every revelation Beca had launched her way over the past few months had not shaken her in the way Beca knew it would have if she had been the one in Aubrey’s fashionable, tall and expensive shoes.

“So, now I’ve got you on your own” Beca gulped as Aubrey slid her coffee towards her, “I wanted to ask you about something. It’s been bugging me for days but Chloe was always around so…”

Beca knew Aubrey would be able to tell that she was nervous from the way she began to pull at the lid of her cup.

“Back at the stables, you sounded really unsure about being with Chlo. And I know you didn’t… well, I don’t think you meant it to sound as final as it did. But then you wandered off with Jesse during his party and, ah, I just wanted to check you were really ok? I don’t like the idea of you hiding things from me now that we’ve got to this place of being so honest and open.”

“Wow, no pre-warning? Okay.” Beca took a shaky breath. She had known this conversation was coming. In part, she couldn’t help but wonder if she had said those things to Aubrey to spark this kind of discussion. A catalyst of sorts. “I am worried. Well, not worried… I get overwhelmed, I think.” She paused, looking across at Aubrey. “You know what it’s like to be friends with Chloe. It’s… intense, sometimes.”

Aubrey gave a knowing smile. “I get it. But I also know you’re used to it. Or, well, you were. What changed?”

Beca shrugged. “I guess… okay, I’ll be honest. Jesse knew straight away that something was up and it kind of came out with him that I… the idea of bringing a step-mother into Lennon’s life freaks me out. For obvious reasons.” Aubrey nodded. “I don’t know, man. I just… it seems that as hard as I’m trying to pump the brakes, I’m on this rollercoaster and it’s out of my control.”

“There we go.” Aubrey looked up, into Beca’s eyes, and tilted her head. “That’s the whole issue, isn’t it? You like things to be predictable. It’s kept you safe. You… you reduced your circle when Lennon was born because less people means less chance of things going wrong. That’s why you panicked so much when you saw Chloe again. Chloe’s so close to you, always has been, that she upset the balance. And now, well, now you’ve got to learn to share your little life with her.”

“I just… I didn’t think that seeing her again would dredge up this level of existential panic. I didn’t think… actually, that’s a lie. I think I knew this would happen. I think… I think I knew and I think that’s why I didn’t look for her before. Why I just… shut myself off.” Beca blinked back tears. “I just feel so lost. I feel like I need to be a completely new person, redesign my entire life, just to make it work. And I know it’s stupid because it’s a control thing but I feel like it’s all on my shoulders. I need to keep Lennon safe most of all, but I also need to protect Chloe.”

Aubrey took a sip of her coffee. “Protect Chloe from what, exactly?”

Beca’s mind raced. It was hard to pinpoint what her biggest fear was. She sighed. “Everything. Me? I just don’t want to hurt her. I… I love her too much to let that happen again. I mean…” Beca gasped loudly. “Shit. I love her.”

Aubrey reached out and touched her hand. “Sweetie, I know.” Letting Beca catch her breath, she continued. “But that’s all she needs. She just… she just needs you to love her. There’s nothing more to it. That’s what she deserves. It’s what you both deserve.” Beca nodded and wiped away a stray tear. “I know you worry about taking care of her after everything that happened, but she’s strong. She got herself out and she’s safe. She’s safe because she’s got people who care about her and I know you want to protect her, but you’re not alone. I’m here for both of you.”

“I know.” Beca blinked. “Thank you.” She took a slow sip of her coffee, letting the bitter liquid sit on her palate for a moment. “I love them both so much. I…. I think I’m just scared because having her as part of my life with him was never… I never imagined it and it’s scary, man. It’s so scary.”

“But Lennon loves her.”

  
Beca nodded and bit her lip. Aubrey read the pleading in her eyes.

“Are you jealous?”

Beca shrugged. “She… she just got him straight away. I don’t know. It’s just… we were alone for so long, me and him, and she wasn’t there through the hardest years. She wasn’t there when he was all floppy or when he’d cry all night because he couldn’t feed properly and was starving. She wasn’t there through all the tests and the scans and the therapies and… I guess I never expected anyone else could bond with him like that.”

“Yes, but you failed to account for the fact that it’s Chloe Beale we’re talking about. I mean, we both know what it’s like to be forced into a very intense friendship with her. We both know what she’s like. It’s… Chloe magic. You just have to trust it.” Aubrey cast her eyes over Beca. “Life is hard, but you’ve got good people, Beca. Just don’t be a martyr and let yourself _be_ for a while. There’s no point in worrying about tomorrow or the next day when what you’ve got today, in front of you, is more than most people get in a lifetime.”

Beca wiped at her now rapidly-falling tears. Blinking up at Aubrey, she shook her head. “Why do you have to go?”

Aubrey smiled softly. “I’ll be back soon. Sooner than you think. Plus, I’m always at the end of the phone.” Checking the time, she began to pack up her things. “Beca, I know these last few months have felt crazy, but you have to trust me when I say that it’s going to be worth it. You two were meant to meet again, you were meant to meet _now._ You have to listen to your heart over your head and just… let yourself fall.”

Beca couldn’t fight back the sob that flew from her body as she engulfed Aubrey in a tight hug.

“You can do this, Beca.”

Beca’s breaths continued to rattle unevenly through her body as she gripped her steering wheel, unable to move from her parking space. Watching Aubrey leave after she had bared her soul had left her with a sensation of panic, as if she had been standing naked in the departure lounge. Aubrey had always been able to get to the roots of Beca, the parts of her buried deep, and had- although it had never been callous- never spared a second thought for how uneven it would make her feel to tug at them. Beca was unstable, unsteady and, now, alone.

She loved Chloe. She had said it out loud. The thought didn’t terrify her, but the consequences did. Chloe was important, she always had been, and Beca knew she was at a crossroads. She loved two people more deeply than she had ever loved anyone else for very similar reasons. Chloe had been the first to break down her walls. Chloe had been the first to see her and read her and pull her into the light, pick up a mirror and say ‘this is what you could be’. Chloe had believed in her far earlier than she had found that same belief in herself.

Then, years later, Lennon had arrived, a wrecking ball to the last of her defences, and had forced her to step outside of her comfortable space, shirk her armour, and see the world in an entirely new way. The two of them together, Beca knew, had the power to change everything she had ever known and to push her into a new and unfamiliar world.

Control. It was the word she had uttered as Aubrey had looked knowingly into her eyes. Beca knew she was right (she always was); it felt scary to let go of the reins. At one point, Beca reminded herself as her mind conjured up images of her grasping onto Lennon’s harness as he had said patiently with Chloe and Jodie at the zoo, the reins were more than a metaphor.

_Let yourself fall._

Beca knew she was still holding onto the edge. She had never quite pushed herself off, terrified of hitting the ground with nobody to catch her. In her head, she was the one doing the catching, not the other way around. There would be nobody to catch her, she thought, because she was already holding two people in her arms.

She knew she was scared. Scared of hurting Lennon. Scared of hurting Chloe. Scared of hurting herself, of being vulnerable and needing _someone_ when the only two people she would want to be there already needed her. Aubrey had promised to be there, to hold her, but Beca knew her arms weren’t strong enough for the weight of all three of them.

_Let yourself fall._

Beca had been so strong for so long. She had armoured herself to weather blow after devastating blow, protecting her heart from the world. Protecting her son from every harm imaginable. She had done it alone. She had survived. Alone.

In her mind, rather than holding Chloe’s hand on the precipice and weathering the storm together, she had simply placed her next to Lennon and stretched her arms wider to shield them both. She wanted to keep Chloe safe, wanted to make sure she never left again, wanted to make sure she was never hurt again. It was why she had turned to other people, her Dad and Pip and Aubrey and Jesse, and opened her heart and let her fears spill out to them instead of the one person who was supposed to hear them. Being open with Chloe would mean her finally seeing that she was fallible. Breakable. Vulnerable.

Beca sighed. She knew it was the reason that she had held back, the reason she had cut off every kiss just before the heat dialled up. It was the reason they had not yet been completely intimate with one another.Being entirely open with Chloe, giving her all of herself, meant removing her armour and turning her gaze away from the storm. Being with Chloe would mean relinquishing control and trusting her.

Trusting her to understand.

Trusting her with her mind, her heart and her body.

Trusting her not to leave.

Beca turned on the car engine and wiped at her face. As her phone connected, she noticed a message flash up onto the screen.

_3 Missed Calls: Pip_

Beca took a breath and dialled Pip’s number as she pulled out of her parking space.

“Hey, everything ok?”

“Bec?” Pip sounded uncharacteristically concerned, “did you pick up my messages?”

Beca felt panic rise in her body. “No. I…. I’m only just leaving the airport.”

“Lennon’s school called the office looking for you. They asked if you could go down there. They… they didn’t say more than that.”

Beca tried her best to swallow down the hot panic now sitting behind her throat. “I’m on my way.”

As soon as the doors to the school opened, Beca heard it. Her mother’s instinct pulled her towards the heart-wrenching sound of her son’s cries.

“What happened?” She asked Miss Hayes, who had met her at the door, trying to keep calm.

“Well, he’s been out of sorts all day to be honest. Jackie said this morning that he was quiet and kept picking up the bus and trying to give it to her.” Beca felt a heaviness in her shoulders. “But then one of the children made a sound he didn’t like during animal therapy and I think that was enough. I… I’m sorry to have to call you in. I just don’t think he’s going to settle here. It’s probably best for him to just go home where he feels safe. We’re too new and unfamiliar yet to be able to…” Miss Hayes paused at the door, “well, you’re his mommy. I think we all know that, right now, you’re what he needs.”

Beca took a deep breath and followed the teacher through the door into the classroom. As her eyes landed on her son, she felt her heart pull in her chest. Lennon was screaming, his face red and sweating as he arched his back. He was sobbing in a way that shook his little body. And he was being held, arms tight around him to stop him hitting his head, by Chloe.

Beca’s hands instinctively flinched.

  
They had never felt so empty.

“Hey” Beca addressed Lennon and ignored everyone else in the room. “Oh, baby, it’s alright.” She reached out and stroked a tear off her son’s burning hot cheek. “Let’s get you out of here.”

As she stood up, Beca was handed Lennon’s bag and shoes. With her hands full, she shrugged the bag onto her shoulder in order to pick up her son but stopped in her tracks as Chloe pulled him into her chest and got to her feet.

“I’ve got him” she said gently. Beca tried not to acknowledge the hurt that spread across her chest. “Let’s just get him to the car.”

Beca nodded and began to walk out of the classroom, Chloe hot on her heels. As she walked, she continually glanced back, wanting nothing more than to stop and take Lennon from her girlfriend and hold him close.

Once they got to the car, Beca climbed across the back seat and strapped Lennon in. Leaning in, she kissed his head gently and began to hum a tune. Chloe recognised it and began to harmonise.

Beca felt sick.

“Do… do you want me to follow you back?” Chloe asked as Beca placed Lennon’s headphones on his ears and ran her thumb protectively over his hand.

Beca shook her head.

“What’s wrong?”

Beca shrugged. “I don’t know. Something, clearly.”

Chloe looked puzzled. Standing up, she waited for Beca to climb out of the car and walk around to her own side. “Are you mad?”

“I…”

Chloe shook her head. “I know the animal therapy was part of it and I didn’t think he’d react like that but I tried to do everything I could to make it better. You know these things happen sometimes.”

Beca took a deep breath. “No I don’t, Chloe. You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get? Bec, just tell me. If there’s something I can do to help, I want to know. I… I want to be there for both of you. You know I do. I can, I don’t know, go and get dinner or help you bath him or do some sensory therapy with you…”

The burning anger, the fear, the panic, all seemed to rise into Beca’s throat like a fireball.

“Stop. Just… stop.”

“Bec. What do you need?” The gentle, reassuring hand Chloe placed on Beca’s arm felt like lead. Beca let her arm drop away.

“I need you to stop trying to be his mom for one second and let me think.”

Chloe blinked. “I… I…”

“You don’t get it.” Beca swallowed, but the words were already spilling out. “You’re not his mother, Chloe. I am.”


	37. My Mummy's Dead

“You’re not his mother, Chloe. I am.”

Beca’s words lingered in her head. As she blinked her way through a sleepless night, she replayed the same moment over and over again, thinking back to the hurt in Chloe’s eyes, the tremor in her hands and fingers and the silence that had sat like a wall between them until, finally, Beca had climbed into her car and driven away.

The silence had continued. Chloe hadn’t reached out.

Beca sighed, knowing that a handful of badly-chosen words had ruined one of the best things to have ever happened to her.

It had been careless, but it didn’t mean there was no truth to what she had said. In fact, Beca realised, there had probably been more truth in her words than she really wanted to admit.

“Pathetic.” She sighed, brushing her hair back off her face as she stared up at the ceiling, wondering if the patterns she could see were really there or just a trick of the darkness.

“Mama!”

Pulling herself out of bed, Beca walked into Lennon’s room. Sitting by the side of him, she stroked his hair.

“Ma-aaa.” Lennon’s arms reached out, trying to pull her close.

Beca sighed. “Okay, buddy. Since you and I have both had a hard day, why don’t you come into my bed so we can snuggle and be sad together?” Scooping Lennon up, she walked back to her room and settled her son under the covers. As she climbed in close, she rested her head on the pillow and rubbed her hand in a soothing motion over Lennon’s pyjama-covered belly. “I love you” was the first thing she said, whispering into the darkness. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. I’ll always try my best to keep you safe, dude. Mommy loves you first and most, alright? Nothing’s ever going to change that.”

Lennon’s fingers brushed over the ring on Beca’s middle finger. She sighed, looking down at his slowly closing eyes.

“She would have loved you, too.”

The ring had been a gift for her 21st birthday. It was simple enough, a white gold band etched with a delicate pattern barley discernible to the eye, and it was the only piece of jewellery Beca wore every day. In fact, she had barely taken it off in the ten years since her dad had given it to her, presented in a jewel-green box tied with a gold ribbon.

“She chose it herself” he had said. “Before. Your… your mom picked it out and she gave it to me ready for you to have it today.” Beca had felt a lump developing in her throat as his words began to make sense. He had sighed, a knowing look on his face, and waited for her to open the box. Then, the tears had started. “You know,” Dr Mitchell’s words had stuck with her ever since, “if she could see you now, her little girl, she’d be so proud. Proud of everything you’ve become, proud of everything you’ve overcome.” He had taken her hand as she had slipped the ring on, running his fingers over the delicate pattern. “She loved you so much, Beca. So, so much. I wish…” his voice had cracked as he took a shaky breath, “I wish she could have been here.” He gestured down to the ring. “Well, I guess a part of her is always with you. Especially now you have this.”

Beca glanced down at her hand, smiling softly at the way Lennon’s tiny fingers rested on hers. The ring glinted in the dim light.

_I wish you were here._

It wasn’t the first time Beca had made that particular wish. It was ever-present, a child’s need for their mother, but there were times the longing, the empty space, the loss and grief and pain, crept up on her, the desperation to hear her voice or feel her touch or smell the sweetness of her perfume one more time arriving when she hadn’t expected it. It hit her when she caught the end of the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade one year and remembered her excitable six-year-old self watching from the tiny television in the kitchen as her mother had been setting the table. It hit her whenever she heard Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road or anything from Paul Simon’s Graceland album. There was pain in laughing at knock-knock jokes, the silly ones she had taught her. There was grief wrapped around every Christmas and every birthday and every report card. There was always an empty chair. At every concert, every graduation, she had given herself a moment, just one, to scan the audience and pretend she could see a pair of familiar hazel eyes smiling encouragingly from the crowd.

Missing her had been made worse by there already been someone to fill the ‘mom’ gap. Sheila had already been a part of her life, had already dragged her dad across the country from Oregon to New Jersey. Her mom had died and, trying to do the right thing, Sheila had forced herself in, her sharp nails and chunky jewellery too boxy to wedge into the soft, satiny edges of the hole her mother had left behind. Beca had hated it. She had hated everything about it. Hated it so much, in fact, that when her dad had told her that he would be moving to take a post at a university in Georgia and that Sheila’s company were offering her a transfer to the same city, she had used the family computer to fill out a scholarship application to a boarding school just outside of Jersey City instead of even entertaining the idea of going with them.

Being alone in a city she barely knew at a school she hated only slightly less than the prospect of starting a new life with her dad and Sheila in Georgia, Beca had learned to be independent. She knew, then, that nobody was looking out for her; she had to learn to keep herself safe. And so she had begun to build up her walls. Brick by brick. She had clamped on headphones and turned up the volume, drowning out the world around her, had drawn on eyeliner so thick it screamed ‘leave me alone’ more than the scowl on her face. She had been angry. Angry at being left. Angry at being lost. Angry at the idea that people saw her arrive for school and leave for vacations in a car with a man at the wheel and a woman in the passenger seat and assumed that _she_ was anything close to a mother. To her mother.

The anger hadn’t left her straight away. It had taken time, music, friends and maturity for the feeling to begin to ebb away. Being at college, being in Georgia, had meant being close to Sheila and her dad. It had meant seeing her stepmother and feeling the ache in her chest, feeling the desperate sadness and longing to just be able to call her mom one more time to complain about the awful stew she had been forced to eat or the hideous nail colour she had chosen, the way she had done when she was still in middle school and had been forced to spend one holiday a year with her father and his new wife. She had regressed, she knew, back into the surly teenager she had once been. Amy had jokingly called her ‘Lydia from Beetlejuice’ once after a tirade about Sheila. Shocked, Chloe had turned to her with a wide mouth and wide eyes and said “Amy! I really don’t think you can make that joke about someone whose mom is actually dead.” Beca had liked it, though. She had always felt an affinity to that character. She got it.

Nobody would ever replace her.

Her dad had promised her that, once.

She hadn’t believed him for a long time.

She hadn’t understood that Sheila wasn’t meant to take anyone’s place. She hadn’t been mature enough to see that her parent’s separation would have happened regardless of whether her dad had happened to be in that hotel bar that autumn evening. She hadn’t realised how hard her dad had tried for her, how he had done what he thought was best, until she was holding her own son in her arms, until she knew for herself that putting her child first was unquestionable. It was then, as a rush of hormones had flooded her body, as she had looked into his bright eyes for the first time, that she had realised just how much her mom must have loved her.

In that moment, she missed her more than she ever had before. In that moment, she knew she would have to be everything to him. It was her and him and nothing else. Nobody else.

Nobody would ever replace her.

The sound of Beca’s alarm was an unwelcome reminder that she couldn’t hide herself away. She had toyed with the idea of keeping Lennon off school, of spending a day curled up on the couch together, but she knew it was unrealistic. For one, it wouldn’t help anything in the long run and, two, there was no way Lennon would entertain the idea of sitting on the couch for more than ten minutes.

“Alright” she said as she stretched, “breakfast time.”

Lennon followed her to the bedroom door, waiting for her to open it. Both cats were waiting semi-patiently outside, immediately rubbing around Beca’s ankles as she walked towards the stairs.

“Take it easy, kids” she said, “we’re getting there.”

Holding Lennon’s hand, she guided him down the stairs before letting him wander into the kitchen. “Let’s do cereal this morning, bud” she said as she stifled a yawn. “Mama does not have the energy for oatmeal.”

As Lennon ate fistfuls of dry cereal along with his usual half a banana and drank his milk, Beca watched him. She cast her eyes over his messy bed-head, his still half-asleep eyes, the pillow mark on his cheek. “When did you get so grown up?” She asked quietly, only really talking to herself. The same thoughts from the previous night came flooding back. Beca’s hand landed over her chest. “Your grandma would have been so proud of you.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure how proud she’d be of me, though. Not after yesterday.” Sliding into her usual seat next to Lennon’s chair, Beca took a mouthful of her own cereal and chewed. “I just… I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to share you. I don’t know how to share myself. I mean, I have so much love for you and I have… I love her, too. I don’t want you to have to have less of my love so that I can love her as well.” Beca sighed. Lennon tilted his head and she chuckled. “I know I’m not making any sense. You don’t need to look at me like that.”

As Lennon continued to eat, Beca helping him whenever he needed it, she thought back over the last few months. “It… it makes sense to love her. I think I always did, really, but I never knew that’s what it was. She was just there and she made everything better. She made _me_ better.” There were still signs of Chloe all over the house, each one a punch to the gut after watching her broken eyes track Beca’s car out of the school parking lot. “I push people away when I get scared. I did it with Jesse, I did it with all of the Bellas, I did it with my dad and now I’ve done it again.” She took a deep breath. “This one hurts the most, though. This… I don’t quite know how to fix this. I know I need to, though. I love her. Like, I really love her.”

Beca brushed Lennon’s hair off his face. “This is what I was afraid of. I was afraid that I’d finally let myself fall and she’d be gone. I just… I did it myself. I…” she took a breath. “I’m so scared. I’m scared because I know how much it already hurts. I just… I panicked. I freaked out about her getting too close to my walls, trying to step inside of everything I’ve built up to keep us safe- me and you. I freaked out but I didn’t need to because if I’d actually stopped and thought about it, she was already in there with us. She… she always was.”

A gentle hand cupped around Beca’s chin. As she blinked, she turned to face her son. His hand moved away, glistening slightly in the light and Beca realised he had tried to wipe away her tears. Sniffing, she smiled.

“You are the most special boy I know.” She leaned down and kissed his head. “I guess I understand why she loves you so much, too.” Beca sighed. “And you love her, right?” She smiled. “You love Coco?”

“Coco” Lennon repeated. “Coco.”

Beca wiped at her eyes. “I know, dude. Me too.”

Lennon bounded onto the school bus as if the day before had never happened. Beca was relieved, in a way, and tried her best to keep hoping that it was just a minor blip. Like other events that had also taken place the day before.

As Carol strapped him into his seat and the vehicle’s engine turned on, Beca waved and smiled. Her hand continued to move from side to side as the bus pulled away. “Bye, baby” she said under her breath before turning to head back into her house.

The sight of red hair and blue eyes never failed to make her heart race. Chloe had always had a habit of appearing out of nowhere, she realised. “Jesus” she clutched her chest dramatically. “Warn a girl next time?”

Chloe shrugged. “If I warned you, you’d have run.” Her voice was stern. Beca had seen this side of Chloe before. This was competition Chloe. This was ‘headed into battle’ Chloe. This was a Chloe Beale she had not seen for years. “Anyway, I think you know why I’m here.” She took a breath and stared into Beca’s eyes, pushing a sense of unease through the brunette’s body.

“We need to talk.”


	38. Here We Go Again

Chloe took a seat on the couch, her hand automatically raised, inviting Stevie to rub against her and settle in her lap. Beca watched on, unable to stop her mind from conjuring up images of the first time Chloe had been in her house; unable to stop her mind from conjuring up sickly feelings of regret and guilt at the idea that this mirror-image could be a bookend. That this moment, far too soon after the first, could be the last.

“Chlo, I’m sorry. I…”

“Stop.” Chloe’s sharp eyes said more than her words ever could. In them, Beca saw the flames of her anger and the icy splinters of her hurt battling against one another. “You’ve said enough and if I don’t get this out, I’m going to explode. I’ve been up all night trying to find the words, trying to understand.” She paused. Beca took a shaky breath. “I get it. This… this is what you do. It’s what you’ve always done. You say things you don’t mean and you push people away. The problem is, Becs, I think we both know you don’t want to. Not really.” Chloe’s fingers pulled at the hem of her shirt, her short, painted nails chipped at the edges. She looked up, blue eyes teeming with a determination Beca had seen countless times before. For a moment, she let herself drink in the hope that Chloe could fix this. That Chloe had a solution. “I cannot and I will not let you play games with me, Beca. For my own sanity, I can’t let you do that. I… I’m not going to play.”

A fresh wave of nausea hit Beca as she realised what Chloe was implying. Everything Chicago had done to her had been with words. Words had hurt her more than anything else and the handful that she had spat out in a moment of fearful panic and frustration had done irreparable damage, in exactly the same way his had. Her mouth went dry.

“Chloe, I didn’t… I’m…”

A raised hand was all it took to shoot Beca down. She conceded with a nod and waited for Chloe to think through her response. The time she gave her was time Beca wished she had kept for herself. It was time she wished she had put to better use; a use that would have prevented them from being in this situation- sitting across from one another, a sea of silence and uncertainty suddenly rising between them.

“I know you’re scared, I do. But I need you to tell me the truth. My head can’t deal with games anymore. I need you to be honest. It’s all I want. I don’t care what the truth is. I don’t care if you ask me to leave and never look back. Just please don’t hide from me.” Beca could hear her pulse in her ears, feel the heat rising in her skin as Chloe’s words echoed into the otherwise deathly silent room. The truth was something she had only just come to terms with. It was something she had been avoiding, batting to the back of her busy mind. The truth was what lay behind every shrug and every change of subject and every anxious, unstable moment.

“I can’t sit between yes and no.” Chloe shrugged. “I…. I’m not a fucking question mark.” Chloe’s nose twitched as she cursed. “I’m a person, Beca. I’m a good person. I think I deserve your honesty. Even if I get nothing else.” Beca felt her breath leave her body as Chloe’s eyes settled on hers. “So, tell me what you’re thinking. Something must be happening, something you’re hiding from me, for you to react like that. I feel like everyone else must have more of an idea which means it’s obviously about me. I’m sick of not knowing what’s going on in your head, Becs. I used to know you better than anyone but you’re hiding yourself away and it’s upsetting to think you can’t trust me with whatever it is. Just… talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

Beca tried her best to get her thoughts into some kind of coherent order. There was so much to say, so much she realised she had hidden, most of it unintentionally, from Chloe. “I should probably start by apologising” she said quietly. “I… what I said was really rude and really hurtful and I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your best for both of us and I… I really appreciate that you’re doing that. This is going to sound pathetic but I think I’m just not used to sharing. It’s always just been me and him and I spent so long, so many years, figuring out how to be a single parent and figuring out how to care for him and still have a job and some sense of who I am. It’s really hard to juggle and, well, I think I dropped the ball this time.”

Chloe’s fingers brushed through the cat’s fur. Beca felt her leg bouncing up and down. Glancing up across the room, she spotted the picture of Lennon she kept in a frame on her bookshelf. The image of him, barely a week old and propped against a pillow on her bed, took her back to those early days. Days of waking and sleeping and crying and changing. Days when she didn’t know who her baby would become. Days before she ever considered her life being any more complicated than it had been then. Days when her love for her new son had sat in her heart, right next to the freshly torn edges of an empty space where Chloe Beale’s name had once resided. Right next to the crack she had left behind.

“It’s always just been me and him. I’d made my life, shaped my life, to be everything for him. I had to be. Everything has been a struggle. We’ve worked for hours, days, on everything. Every smile, every time he claps his hands, every time he picks something up I remember what it was like when he couldn’t.” Tears were forming in Beca’s eyes as she spoke. She let them fall. There was no point in hiding anything now. The dam was bursting open.

“Our life is complicated. It’s complicated and it’s uncertain and I still get scared. I think I thought that, by pushing you away, I could keep you safe. I… I think I wanted to keep me safe, too. You’ve always been able to see through everything. You always had this ability to know when I’m hurting or I’m hiding and… I can’t be anything but myself with you, Chloe. I just don’t know how to be who you need me to be and who he needs me to be and who I want to be all at once.”

“Who I _need_ you to be? What exactly do you think I _need_ from you? Give me some credit, Bec. I’m not fragile. I’m just as strong as you are. Just… stop protecting me from things you don’t even know will happen. It’s not fair and it would only end with both of us being unhappy if you…”Chloe shook her head and let out a sigh. “I wish you wouldn’t think so hard. Sometimes, life happens and you just have to ride the wave.”

Beca shrugged. “Easy for you to say, Florida girl.”

It was enough to pull a light smile from Chloe’s lips. “Look. We’ve both been hurt. Life hasn’t been easy for either of us. But we’re here and we’re together and we can work this out. I mean, jeez, Becs, we both know we’re better together.”

Beca nodded. “I know. I… I guess I just have to hold up my hands and admit that I need to figure out how to do this with you. It was always just a fantasy in my head, you being here, you being more than just a friend to me, and now it’s happening I guess my brain needs to catch up with my heart.” She shook her head, feeling the uncertainty still laying dormant between them. “I know you’re not trying to be Lennon’s mom. I know you’re not trying to push me out or replace me or show me up. I… I know you’re just trying to do what’s best for all of us and I really appreciate everything you do. I guess I have to admit that I’m scared, still, and I probably will make more mistakes because, despite being 31 years old and despite being a mom, I’m still that petulant little grungy eighteen year old you forced into a duet in a shower stall.”

“I know you are, Becs. It’s one of my favourite things about you. I don’t want that to change.”

“But something has to.” Beca’s eyes met Chloe’s across the living room. “Things have changed. Between us, I mean.”

Chloe’s expression fell. Beca lurched forwards, mouth open. “I… I didn’t mean it like that! I meant that we’re very different people to who we were in college or in New York. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less, but it means I have to learn how to love _this_ Chloe, not just the Chloe I carried around in my head when you weren’t here.”

Chloe blinked. “You love me?”

Beca moved to sit next to Chloe on the couch, taking her hands and finally looking directly into her deep, blue eyes. “Of course I do. I think it’s why I’ve been freaking out so much about all of this. I guess… I guess, ah, I never thought about how to love you, though. I never thought about how you need to be loved.” Chloe’s eyebrow quirked. Beca shook her head, knowing she was taking Chloe on a journey through some of her most intimate and confusing thoughts. “Someone hurt you, Chloe. Really hurt you. And then I hurt you. In more or less the same way.”

“Bec, you…”

“No,” Beca brushed her hair back off her face before taking Chloe’s hand once more, “let me.” She took a breath. “I know it’s going to take a long time to work through and so I just want to… I just need to say that I’m ready. I want this. I want you. I… I really love you, Chloe.”

Chloe’s eyes were filled with tears. She let her tongue brush lightly over her lips as she tilted her head and smiled gently at Beca. “I love you too, Beca.” She leaned in close.

Their kiss was brief and sweet. When Beca opened her eyes, Chloe was watching her.

“What?”

Chloe shrugged. “You… you know you can let me love you, right? I want to take care of you and keep you safe just as much as you want to take care of me. That’s what a relationship is. It’s a partnership. Just like we had before. Just like we always had.” She paused, a smile growing across her delicate features. “Well, except with more benefits.”

Beca coughed. She could feel herself blushing as she tried to turn away from Chloe, embarrassed by her reaction. “Shut up” she whispered gently, her head swimming with too many thoughts at once. Taking a breath, she sat up straight. “Look, I know we’ve been through it already but I just kind of, ah, want to… jeez, this is hard.” She pushed her hair back off her face. Chloe gave her an encouraging smile. “I’m always going to put Lennon first. It’s not a choice. It… it’s been that way ever since I found out I was pregnant.”

“I know.”

Beca’s fingers brushed against the ring on her middle finger. “I can’t help it. I was so scared. Scared because I was alone. Scared because I didn’t have my mom to talk to. Scared because, all of a sudden, I had all this love for someone I’d never even met. More love than I’d ever had for anyone.” Chloe’s hand rested on top of hers. Beca’s gaze finally landed on Chloe’s blue eyes. “You know, the only person I’d ever come close to loving that much had been you.”

Chloe smiled gently. “Bec…”

“I can love you both, I know I can. It just… you might have to give me some time to figure it out.”

“I know. I understand.” Chloe’s hand pulled Beca’s fingers between her own and squeezed reassuringly. “Just don’t shut me out, alright? I’m on your side, Becs. We want the same thing. We always have done.” She paused, eyes roving over Beca’s sharp features. “I’m yours.”

Beca shook her head, pulling away slightly and dropping Chloe’s hand.

“What?” Chloe looked forlorn.

“Don’t say that.” Beca let out a breath. “I don’t want you to be mine. I… I don’t want you to give yourself to me. I want you to be you. To belong to yourself.”

“Bec, it’s just a…”

Beca took Chloe’s hand. “No, I’m serious. I don’t think you should belong to anyone but you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want this any less. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you by my side. It… you’re right. You’re stronger than I think I’ve given you credit for. You’re amazing and funny and beautiful and I honestly must be the luckiest woman in the world to even be sitting on this couch with you.” Chloe giggled. Beca paused for a moment and let the light, melodic sound wash over her. “Don’t give a part of yourself away. Just… sit next to me. Be by my side. That’s all I think I’ll ever need.”

“I love you.”

Beca grinned. “I love you too.” She shook her head. “I don’t think I’m going to get tired of saying that for a while. I hope that’s alright with you?”

“Oh, for sure. I’m never going to get tired of hearing those words from your lips.” Chloe glanced down at her watch. “So, you’re not working today?”

Beca shook her head. “No. I, ah, took a personal day. What about you?”

“I called in sick. I figured I would be useless in an emergency on zero sleep.”

“Hmm” Beca nodded, trying to ignore the thundering of her pulse in her chest. Walking her fingers over Chloe’s arm, she slipped her hand down until it cupped around her waist. “I think that was a good idea.”

Chloe looked down at where Beca’s hand was stroking slowly over her t-shirt covered skin. “Apparently so.”

Beca glanced up, her hand stilling against Chloe’s side. “Sorry. I… I didn’t realise what I was doing.”

“I didn’t say stop.” Chloe’s words hit Beca on the back of the head. Looking up, she was certain her eyes were cartoonishly round and protruding from her head. Chloe, however, looked as put together and poised as always. She scrunched her nose at Beca and tucked a loose strand of red hair behind her ear. “Is it really such a surprise that I like it when you touch me, Bec?”

“No… n… no.” Beca internally cursed herself for stumbling over one of the simplest words in the English language. Slowly, laughter erupted from her, loud and unapologetic. Chloe simply stared, her head tilted slightly to the side like a curious dog. “You know, the way you can turn the flirt on and off like a light switch is a real talent.”

Chloe’s expression didn’t change. She fluttered her eyelashes. “Really? You like that?”

Before Beca realised what she was doing, she had barrelled into Chloe almost headfirst, arms pulling her close. Chloe giggled, kicking her legs. “What’s happening?”

“I’m sorry I was such a dick.” Beca snuggled her tighter, head resting on her shoulder. “I love you so much and I’m an ass and… ” she paused, staring incredulously down at Chloe’s still-straight arms before looking back up at her face, “why aren’t you cuddling me back? I thought you just did a whole bit about how this relationship is a two-way deal?”

Chloe snaked her arms around Beca, one resting on her shoulder and the other against her hip. “Better?”

Beca nodded. Leaning close, she nudged Chloe’s chin with her nose until she could capture her lips. Letting her kiss linger for just a moment, she smiled.

“Better now.”


	39. Give Peace a Chance

“So,” lazy moments had become hours, layers of soft touches and gentle, loving kisses enveloped in the comfortable kind of quiet they had both been longing for, “as much as I would love to do this all day, and believe me when I say I do, I really need to head out to the stables and pick up some paperwork.” Chloe began to sit up. Beca groaned, grasping hands childishly pulling her back into her embrace. The pout on her face completed the adorable image.

Chloe shook her head and smiled. “Stop being cute. It’s not helping.”

“I’m not trying to help. If anything, I’m trying to hinder. Stay here please.”

“Beca, you need to get ready to pick up Lennon too.” Chloe’s reminder sat in the air for a moment as Beca slowly stretched her arms above her head. “Anyway, I only need to pick up some paperwork. I promise I’ll come back for dinner.” She paused, chewing lightly at her lip. “If… if that’s alright?”

Brushing loose strands of mousy brown hair away from her face, Beca checked the time. “I… Yeah, that’s fine, but if you literally only need to go and get some paperwork why don’t we go together? You can come with me to the school after and, ah, I dunno, maybe we could go to the park or something? The three of us?” It was the first step, Beca decided, to making Chloe feel important. To making her feel a part of whatever it was they were becoming. As she watched the redhead take in her suggestion, her fingers began to tap idly against her thumb. “I mean, it’s fine if you’re not…”

Chloe smiled. “Bec.” The word stopped Beca’s rambling in its tracks. “That sounds good. You, ah, you can even come with me to say hi to Tiny Tony while we’re there. Oh, and I could see if I’ve still got a spare pair of riding boots that would fit you.”

“Absolutely not” Beca said sternly, eyes narrowing in the redhead’s direction. “I know what game you’re playing, Beale, and I am absolutely not here for it.”

A quiet hum passed from Chloe’s lips. The knowing tilt of her head was enough for Beca’s defences to crack. She knew, as much as Chloe did, that she would bend. One day soon, Chloe Beale would have her on the back of a horse and she would be entirely powerless to protest.

“I might have a jacket, too.”

“Okay, Red. I get the picture.” Beca stood up, patting around on the coffee table for her keys as she gave a trademark eye-roll in Chloe’s direction. “Are you driving or am I?”

As the car pulled through the gates of Arbor West Academy, Beca could feel Chloe’s eyes staring in her direction. Keeping her gaze ahead, she took a breath. “Are, ah…” she licked her lips as memories of the previous afternoon’s argument in that very place flickered across her consciousness like a trailer for a movie she never wanted to see again, “we’re definitely alright, right Chlo?”

“Sorry,” Chloe didn’t seem to have realised she was staring. She rubbed at her temple lightly; Beca glanced at her before pulling into a parking space. “I guess… I don’t think I really…” Frustration grew on Chloe’s face. Her nose scrunched and her forehead folded into several deep lines. Beca turned off the engine and unclipped her seatbelt, twisting in her seat until she was face to face with the woman. Chloe looked into Beca’s eyes and took a deep breath. “Man, yesterday was shitty.”

The laugh that launched from Beca’s mouth was loud enough to attract the attention of a parent walking towards the front of the school. Raising one hand in apology and clamping the other across her quickly-reddening face, Beca leaned close to Chloe and nudged her with her shoulder.

“Truer words have never been spoken, Beale” she finally said, letting out a breath. “Today has already made up for it, though. Just seeing that smile is enough.” Chloe’s lips turned up at the corners as she leaned close to kiss her cheek. Beca patted her on the thigh, just above her knee.“Alright, let’s go see what trouble my kid has gotten himself into today before I get myself into any more trouble sat here with you.”

As Beca jumped out of the car, she noticed Chloe hadn’t moved. “Chlo?” Chloe’s thumbs hovered over her phone screen. Turning to face Beca, she paused expectantly. “Are you coming?”

Chloe blinked. “Oh… I wasn’t sure if you…” she slipped her phone into her pocket, “is that alright?”

Beca smiled. “Come on. We both know he’s probably been missing his Coco fix today.” Chloe unclipped her seatbelt and climbed out of the car, closing the passenger door behind her. As she walked forwards, Beca couldn’t help but smile at the way their hands seemed to find one another, clasping together tightly as they walked. Leaning in close, she whispered under her breath. “Magnets and paper clips, remember?”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You won’t be saying that when it’s getting you plus one invites to all the award shows.”

“It sounds more like a perfume than a song. Paper Clip… the new fragrance by Beca Mitchell.” Chloe paused for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “I’d probably still buy it. You always smell nice.”

“Nerd.”

“You’re the nerd.” Chloe bumped Beca with her hip. Beca smiled, looking up as they headed towards the school. As they neared the doors, a knowing stare down at their still-joined hands made her pulse increase. She squeezed Chloe’s hand and tried to gesture as subtly as she could towards where Miss Hayes was standing.

“Hi, Katherine.” Beca watched on in awe as the Chloe Beale charm dial turned up a few notches, her voice slightly higher than usual. The assistant principal, just like everyone else, seemed to smile wider the minute Chloe’s infectious grin shone in her direction. “How are you?”

Miss Hayes nodded. “We’re all good here. How, ah…” she paused, taking her time to choose her words carefully, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you two even knew one another. I feel like I must have missed something. You never told me, did you?”

“No… No I didn’t mention it. But we go way back” Chloe continued, her particular brand of charm still oozing from her with every word, “Beca and I were in college together. Not… we weren’t romantically involved then, that’s fairly new, but we’ve been friends for a long time.”

Beca could feel herself growing warm and knew her cheeks were likely already a bright shade of pink. The relief she felt when Mrs Camacho emerged with Lennon by her side was enough to push her breath out of her lungs.

“Hi, buddy.” She automatically crouched down, holding the tops of her son’s arms and smiling at him. “How was your day?” Without a moment’s pause, Lennon had pulled himself close and pressed his nose against her forehead. Beca smiled and rubbed at his arms. “Good boy. Hello.” She waited for a second before gesturing to her side. “Look, Lennon. Look who’s come to see you today.”

Lennon’s eyes grew brighter as he took in the sight of Chloe. He bounced on the spot, Beca trying her best to hold onto him as he excitedly began to flap his hands.

“Hi, mister” Chloe said gently. “Shall we go play?”

Beca smiled and let one of Lennon’s hands go, gesturing for Chloe to take it. They walked back to the car, Lennon between them.

“Alright,” Beca began to sign and speak as she pulled the door open to reveal his usual car seat, “first car, then park.” She strapped him in quickly. “Do you want Mickey?” Lennon reached out and took the doll from her, immediately pulling it close and shaking it by the head. “Poor Mickey’s going to need another round of surgery soon, Bud. We’ll have to brief Dr Nanna to get some black thread out ready to perform the procedure. Anyway, let’s go.”

As she climbed into the driver’s seat, Beca smiled across at Chloe. “Ready?” Chloe smiled and nodded.

“Sure. I… I’ve invited someone to meet us at the park, too. Just… I thought it might be nice.” Beca’s expression immediately fell. Chloe shrugged nonchalantly. “Think of it as your final apology for… being an a-s-s.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Chloe, he only says, like, four words. I don’t think you need to spell it out.”

“Hey, it would be my luck that that would be one of the words he picked up on. I’m not taking any chances. Anyway, she’s meeting us by the coffee stand in fifteen minutes.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Beca’s salute was met with a pained stare and a gentle nudge. It felt just like old times. In her chest, the frayed edges of the tear in her heart began to knit back together.

As usual, Emily looked stunning. Beca shot a sideways glance at Chloe as they walked towards where their old protégée stood, her long dark hair waving softly in the breeze like she was a character in a damn Disney movie. The way she was always just so effortlessly put together almost felt personally offensive when Beca could just about manage a to throw together a messy ponytail and a smattering of mascara in the mornings before work.

“Chlo…”

Chloe, holding Lennon’s harness in her hand as she watched his feet carefully, shrugged her shoulders. “You need to talk to her, Bec. Properly. She’s always been good for you and I know she misses spending time with you. I, ah, I was thinking I could take Lennon to play on the slide or the swing set or something and you two could…” Chloe paused and turned to face Beca. “Am I overstepping again?”

Beca looked ahead, smiling at Emily who had now noticed them and was waving enthusiastically at Lennon, before turning back to Chloe. “No, you’re right. As usual. I need to do this. She’s my friend and I…. I should make an effort and let her in.” She paused, trying desperately to find something else to say. Chloe beat her to the mark.

“I love you.”

The words, still so new and so full of life, stoked at the warm glow in her chest. “I love you too, weirdo.” She took a breath. “Thank you. For pushing me. For being here. For being you.”

Chloe’s mouth opened and closed. She pushed her hair back off her face and smiled gently. “I’m not usually one to be left speechless, Bec.” Reaching out and squeezing Beca’s hand, she leaned in close. “That was very cute.”

“Yeah, well don’t get used to it.”

Chloe laughed, causing Lennon to turn around and face her. “Sorry, mister” she said as she noticed he was startled by the sudden sound, “didn’t mean to scare you.” She looked up at Beca. “You… you do know how big of a lie you just told, right? Like, you’re the cutest person I’ve ever met.”

Beca cleared her throat and glanced down at Lennon before meeting Chloe’s gaze with one raised eyebrow. Chloe shrugged. “Well, okay. Second cutest. But the things that come out of your mouth sometimes are just… adorable. You think you’re Wednesday Addams, all dark and twisty and sharp, but you’re actually that chubby little baby with the moustache.

“Hi guys. I got you coffee.” Emily glanced between the two of them, her darting eyes giving away her confusion. “Are you okay?”

“Chloe just said I’ve got a moustache.”

Chloe opened and closed her mouth. “Look. First, it wasn’t like that. And second, I… I meant it as a compliment.”

“Really? I thought you were good with words.” Beca tilted her head and smiled daringly at the redhead. “Looks like we’ve got work to do, Beale.”

Emily clasped her hands together over her chest. “I feel like we’re back in college. Except, well, we’re all older and you’re actually dating and I’m married and… and, well, there’s this little guy.” Emily bent down slightly and smiled widely. “Nice to meet you, Lennon. I’m your mommy’s friend Emily.”

Lennon tried to reach out to grasp at Emily’s hair. In a swift movement, Beca reached for his hand.

“No thank you” she said gently. “We don’t pull hair.”

As Emily stood up, Chloe bounced on her feet. “Why… why don’t we head over to the play area?” She looked pointedly at Beca before taking Lennon and walking ahead.

“So.” Beca took a deep breath as Emily spoke, watching her closely. “Everything okay?”

Beca shrugged. Her usual script didn’t feel quite right anymore. Not for a friend. Not for Emily. She sighed. “Look. This… this isn’t easy for me to say so, just… let me first say I’m sorry for being so distant and for letting us drift apart the way we have. It’s my fault and it… it’s partly because of what I’m going to explain to you but it’s also because my main coping strategy in life is to be an asshole and isolate myself from everyone I care about.” Emily nodded slowly. Beca’s hands shook by her side as she steeled herself to jump the next hurdle. “Also, I’m sorry Lennon tried to pull your hair. We… we’re working on impulse control but it’s difficult. He doesn’t understand. He definitely doesn’t mean it. He’d never intentionally hurt anyone.”

“It’s fine. You… you got there super quick.”

“Four years of practice. I’m also really good at catching flying toys, stopping cat’s tails from being pulled and apologising to parents at daycare pick-up time.” Beca paused, looking across at Emily. “It’s a joke… sort of. You’re allowed to laugh.” She tapped her forefinger against her thumb. “Believe me, if I didn’t laugh, I’d be crazy by now.” She smiled, trying to get the younger brunette to do the same. “I mean, like, team-building-retreat-Aubrey levels of crazy.”

Emily cracked a smile and Beca relaxed slightly.

“Do… do you mind me asking what…”

Beca pushed her hair off her face. “Lennon was diagnosed with a chromosome disorder when he was a baby. We didn’t know what it would mean at the time, nobody did, but he’s, ah, developing a lot slower than the other kids. He’s also got a lot of signs of autism.” Emily’s apologetic eyes felt heavy. Beca folded her arms protectively across her chest as she watched Chloe lift him into the air and swing him onto her hip. “He’s happy, though, that’s the main thing. He’s in a great school and he’s got people around him who love him and…” She paused and lowered her arms back to her sides. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It… sometimes it’s hard to know what to say.”

Emily leaned in close and pulled Beca into a side-on hug. “It’s alright. Just… thank you for telling me now.” Taking a sip of her coffee, Beca let the silence hang for a moment, let Emily have a second more to think. “I think I understand now why you… why you didn’t end up making music like you thought you would. I’d always wondered what was going on for you to walk away like that.”

“Yeah.” Beca picked at the skin on the side of her thumb as she watched over the playground. “I was a little busy.”

Lennon clambered off the bottom of the slide and began to run towards the swing. Chloe tore after him, catching him and holding him close. Emily turned to Beca and gestured to the playground, now filled with the sound of Lennon’s melodic laughter as Chloe tickled him. “I can see why.”

Beca took another drink from her coffee cup, eyes focused on her son and her girlfriend. In her head, she thought over every moment she had dreamt of. Every time she had let herself, just for a brief second, imagine her son and Chloe meeting. This, she decided, was better.

“Are you happy, Beca?” Emily’s voice was gentle as she innocently asked the question.

Beca felt her cheeks ache at her sudden, wide smile. “Honestly? I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.” Her mouth ran away with her before her brain could catch up. In a past life, she would have called it ‘doing an Emily’. She couldn’t help but smile at the notion. “I’m so happy and it’s sickening but, ah, I think you’re someone who will get this. So I’ll say it, despite how corny it sounds.” Beca cleared her throat. “She makes me want to make music. She… she and Lennon make me want to write again. To make the music I always wanted to make. It’s just… with her, I feel like I’ve finally found the right words.”

Emily nodded, a knowing expression on her face. “She had them, didn’t she? She gave them to you.”

Beca blinked away the threat of tears and tried to swallow down the lump in her throat.

“Yeah,” she admitted quietly, “I think she did.”


	40. Imagine

Beca Mitchell could play a mixing console as if it were a musical instrument. As a producer, she didn’t get to use it as much as she had in college since she had an audio engineer and a mixer on the team to do that side of the work. She had missed it. It felt good to let her fingers dance across the board, turning and pushing and twisting until the sound floating through her headphones was just right. It felt like she was _creating_ something. Something special. Something that finally sounded like her. Like Beca.

“Hey Reggie!” Beca slipped off her headphones and turned around at the sound of her boss’s voice. Sammy was dressed, as usual, in a crisp shirt and had his trademark sunglasses balanced on the top of his bald head. “There’s someone I want you to meet.” A tall, slight young woman stepped into the studio, her tight curls pulled off her face in a loose bun. “This is my daughter, Amara. Amara, this is Beca. She’s one of my producers.”

Amara’s hand shot confidently forward. She quickly looked at Beca before blinking and staring slightly behind her head. “It’s very nice to meet you” she said sweetly. Beca took her hand and shook it.

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Amara. I’ve heard a lot about you from your dad.”

Sammy smiled. “Honey, Beca is the lady I was telling you about. Her son goes to Arbor West.”

Amara turned to Beca with a smile. “Does your son like Disney movies?”

“He does. Well, he likes Mickey Mouse.”

“I can draw Mickey. I’ll draw one for him.” Amara paused. “What is your son called?”

“His name is Lennon” Beca said with a smile. “Thank you. He’ll love that.”

With a look to her dad to check it was alright, Amara left the room. Sammy turned to Beca with a tilt of his head. “She’s off to go draw for you. She’s doing pictures for everyone with kids, I think.” He checked his watch. “Lisa’s just running some errands with my son and then she’s coming to collect her. They’re going to a comic book exhibition at the state library.”

Beca smiled. “Sounds cool.”

Sammy hummed. “Well, that’s what Amara thinks, anyway.” He paused. “So, how are things? You… you looked busy when we came in. Sorry if I ruined the moment.”

“No, you’re all good” Beca leaned back against the desk, “I’m just figuring some stuff out.” She paused, looking at her boss’s expectant expression. “Did… did you want to hear what I’ve been working on?”

Sammy had slipped into the seat at the desk and picked up the headphones before Beca had finished her question. She waited, feeling the nerves bubbling in her stomach, as he listened, his face not giving away a single thought running through his mind.

“It’s getting there” he concluded. “I like where you’re taking it.” Beca noticed how he surveyed her face as he spoke. “Calista said you were having trouble writing before. What changed?”

Beca shrugged. “A few things, I guess. Life… life, ah, got a little easier recently. I guess I’ve just got more time to focus on what I want to do.”

“I hear you” Sammy nodded knowingly. “I couldn’t have had the career I’ve had without Lisa giving me the time and space to build it.” He tapped his fingers on the edge of his seat and handed the headphones back to his most-trusted employee. “Whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl.”

Beca smiled. “I’m the lucky one.”

“I feel you there, Mitchell.”

As Sammy got out of the seat and walked to the door, she put the headphones back on. Her mind was racing, Sammy’s words echoing in her head. Lennon’s birth, his diagnosis, had changed her life in more ways than one. She had walked away from a career and a future and taken a different path entirely. A path with less risk. She had told herself, time and again, that she had returned to her roots by going back to producing. She had told herself, and anyone else who asked, that a career as a musician- a performer- hadn’t been what she wanted.

Beca had been lying to herself for a long time. As she listened over the track she had recorded, she thought of Chloe. Thought of everything having someone by her side meant. It meant security and safety and, above all, love. It meant having- just like Sammy said- the time and space to be the person, the artist, everyone thought she should have been. To make an EP with her name on the cover. With Chloe by her side, she could finally admit that, perhaps, the idea of being the ‘Beca Mitchell’ with her name in lights, the Beca she had been at the end of the USO tour in front of a crowd of people cheering for her, was something she _had_ dreamed about.

She smiled to herself. She definitely was the lucky one.

“Alright, easy with the spoon, mister.”

Beca’s ears pricked at the sound of Chloe’s warning tone as she walked into the house. Slipping off her shoes, she headed towards the kitchen. Chloe was holding onto a bowl, leaning over Lennon’s seat as he hit haphazardly in its general direction with a large, wooden spoon.

“Dare I ask?”

Chloe turned to face her with wide eyes and an open mouth. “You’re not supposed to be home yet. I thought the whole point of me picking him up was that you were going to be late!” She kept one eye on the bowl as she tried, and failed, to cover up what they were doing. Sighing at Beca’s accusatory stare, she relented. “Fine, we’re making your birthday cake.” She paused, pouting slightly. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Beca couldn’t help the wide grin that spread across her face at Chloe’s adorable expression. Stepping further into the kitchen, she held onto Lennon’s arm to stop him flinging any mixture around the room as she pressed a sweet kiss to Chloe’s lips.  
  
“What was that for?”

Beca shrugged. “For being you.” Leaning down, she smacked a kiss to Lennon’s cheek. “And for being you, my gorgeous boy.” She smiled at him. “Are you helping, bud? Are you helping Coco?”

“Naaa!” Lennon grinned. The sticky mixture on his hands dulled the sound as he clapped them together.

“You’re doing such a good job.”

Chloe smiled at them both as she took the bowl back into the crook of her arm and picked up a second spoon. “I’ve decided it’s bad luck to see your cake before its baked.” She shrugged as she caught Beca rolling her eyes. “Lennon and I will finish up in here and I’ll get started on dinner. You… you can come back in when it’s done. 45 minutes?”

Beca blinked. “Are you sure? You… you’ll watch him and keep him entertained _and_ cook dinner? And bake a cake?”

“Of course” Chloe said it like it was nothing, like she’d spent the last decade or so of her life juggling flaming batons and knives for fun. Thinking back to the chaos of the Bellas in the middle of competition season, of Lilly tearing around the house with a lighter and a can of hairspray, of Amy trying to smuggle two members of the university’s wrestling team out of their third-floor bedroom window whilst covered in lime jello and very little else, Beca realised she had juggled far worse. And survived.

“Well, in that case, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go and take a long, hot shower.” Beca paused and looked pointedly at Lennon. She gasped jokingly. “By myself!”

Chloe grinned. “Well, happy early birthday to you.” She waved with her spare hand as Beca left the kitchen. “Enjoy!”

After dinner, Lennon wandered off to the corner of the living room and came back with his favourite book in hand, pushing it into Chloe expectantly and whining loudly.

“Wow,” Beca said, “someone’s impatient.” Getting down onto her son’s level, she waited for him to notice her. “Alright, bud. We know you want the book but you’ve got to ask nicely.” Using her hands over his, she helped him sign. “We say ‘book, please’. Can you say ‘please’?”

“Eeeee!”

Chloe smiled and took the book. “Close enough, mister.” She turned to Beca. “It is okay if I read it to him?”

Beca nodded. “Of course it is. Although, just a warning, he’s going to do the lift the flap on every page at least three times and you have to respond with the same level of enthusiasm or- I’m not kidding- he will want you to go back to the beginning and start over.”

“Alright,” Chloe moved to sit on the couch and pulled Lennon up to sit next to her, “challenge accepted.” She paused, book in her lap, and looked at Beca. “Care to join?” Beca nodded and slipped herself onto the couch, holding the other side of the book as Chloe placed it over Lennon’s legs.

“Okay, here we go. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Choo Choo Express.” Chloe cleared her throat. “Hi everybody! Welcome to the Clubhouse! It sure is hot today!” As she read, Lennon snuggled in closer, his little fingers settling on the edge of the lift-the-flap on every page the moment it was turned over. At the end of the story, he took the book and flipped it over, looking at the pictures of Mickey and Minnie on the back cover. Beca settled back into the couch and smiled, looking over at Chloe.

“What?” Chloe asked, clearly noticing the way Beca’s eyes were fixed on her. “You’re staring.”

Beca smiled. “You know, I thought so hard- panicked, really- about how I’d know whether he was okay with… us. With you.” She cleared her throat and gestured down to the way Lennon had tucked himself slightly into Chloe’s side. “I really had nothing to worry about, did I?”

“Not at all.” Chloe shook her head and leaned down to ruffle Lennon’s hair. “And, just for the record, I think he’s pretty great too.” Lennon turned closer to her and grabbed her face. “Hello” Chloe said from between squashed cheeks, “can I help you?”. Lennon reached out with one hand and pushed her forehead back. Beca couldn’t help but let out a giggle.

“Sorry,” she said as she recovered, watching on as Chloe expertly turned Lennon around and sat him on her lap, “he does that to all his favourite people.” Standing up, she held out her arms. “Anyway, now you’ve had a story it’s time to get ready for bed. Come on, dude. Let’s go upstairs. Say goodnight to Coco?”

Beca watched as Chloe’s nose scrunched. “Are you sure you don’t want a hand? I… I’m here.”

“No… I’m good.” Beca picked Lennon up and pulled him onto her hip. “I’ll shout you if I need you but, to be honest, it’s mainly going to be me wrestling him to brush his teeth and wiping his butt. Which, ah, is not exactly attractive.”

Chloe’s head tilted as she considered what Beca had said. “True.”

“I’d rather keep a little mystery, at least for a while.” She paused, hoisting Lennon up higher. “Dude, you’re so heavy now. Anyway,” her eyes moved back to Chloe, “there’s a bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Since it’s basically already my birthday, how about you pick a movie or a tv show we can half-watch and pour out a couple glasses ready for when I come back down?”

Chloe stood up and pressed a kiss to Beca’s cheek. “Now that I can do.” Turning to Lennon, she brushed his waves off his face. “Goodnight, little man. Thank you for your help in the kitchen today. See you in the morning.” Leaning close, she kissed his forehead. “Sweet dreams.”

Beca was awoken by a delicious smell and the creaking of her bedroom door. Blinking and wiping at her face, she pulled herself up against her pillow.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Beca! Happy birthday to you!”

Chloe walked into the room, a tray balanced in one hand and Lennon holding the other. “Say ‘happy birthday, mommy’!” She let Lennon go as she moved the tray out of his way, watching as he clambered onto the bed and into Beca’s waiting arms.

Beca held him close, kissing his forehead. “Good morning, my dude.” She glanced up at Chloe. “What have you two been up to?”

“Well”, Chloe placed a cup of coffee on Beca’s bedside table before handing her a plate piled high with what she knew was her girlfriend’s favourite breakfast- banana pancakes, “we thought we’d leave you to sleep in, so we went and watched Mickey together, then we fed the kitties and then we decorated your special birthday pancakes.” Beca loved the way Chloe had arranged the banana slices into a heart. It was just such a _Chloe_ thing to do.

“You two are the best” Beca said as she took a sip of her coffee. “Thank you.”

Chloe sat down on the bed, watching as Beca fed Lennon a piece of pancake before trying them herself. “You’re very welcome.” She cleared her throat. “We also have gifts for you. And… a bit of a surprise.”

Beca’s eyes widened. “Chlo, you know I don’t…”

Chloe shrugged. “You’ll like this surprise. Anyway, I’m telling you now so it’s not a full-on shock when people start descending.”

“People? Ugh.”

Chloe laughed heartily. “Some things don’t change.” She snuck a slice of banana off the plate. “Yes, Bec. People. People you like. People who like you. They will be coming to hang out at lunch time. And there will be food. And you can pick the playlist.”

“Alright. That sounds… passable.” Lennon reached out and Beca handed him another mouthful of pancake. Pausing, she looked sincerely at Chloe. “Seriously, though, thank you. It’s not a big birthday or anything. You… you really didn’t need to go to any trouble.”

“Beca, it’s your birthday. It’s an important day.” Chloe’s blue eyes seemed almost ocean-deep in the early morning light. “I’m going to do whatever I can to make it special because I love you.”

“I love you too.” Beca chewed thoughtfully. “You know, I really did miss your pancakes. Maybe more than anything else.”

Chloe pretended to look shocked. “Ouch.”

Beca shrugged. “Eh, it’s my birthday. I’ll make it up to you later.” The wink felt like something that had been lifted directly out of Chloe Beale’s own playbook. She blushed.

Beca closed her bedroom and descended the stairs.

Three steps to the garden.

Two.

  
One.

“Happy Birthday, Beca!”

Before she knew what was happening, a glass of champagne was being pressed into her hand and music had begun floating through the warm Georgia summer air from a speaker strategically hidden out of Lennon’s reach. She scanned the crowd of people, all still looking in her general direction, and smiled as her eyes landed on familiar blonde waves.

“What are you doing here?” She held her arms out, breathing in deeply as the familiar honeysuckle scent filled her senses.

Aubrey rubbed a hand over her back. “I wasn’t going to miss this. Anyway, I told you I’d see you more regularly.” She glanced towards Chloe and smiled knowingly.

Beca narrowed her eyes. “When exactly did you plan this?”

“Before Aubrey left. Well, actually, the day Aubrey arrived.” Chloe stepped closer to them both, a wide smile on her face.

Turning to face her girlfriend, Beca tilted her head. “You little sneak” she whispered, before capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. “Thank you.”

Chloe reached out and stroked her cheek. “You’re welcome. Happy birthday.” She looked over Beca’s shoulder, causing the brunette to turn to check behind her. “I think Sheila might have just clicked that we’re… more than just best friends now.”

Beca groaned, leaning closer to Chloe and resting her head on her shoulder. “Wonderful. I’ll deal with that in a moment.” Pausing, she looked up and into Chloe’s eyes. “Not to put a dampener on the whole birthday experience, but where is my child?”

“Oh,” Chloe said lightly, “I thought he might be a bit overwhelmed with everyone outside. He’s in the ball pit in the living room with Jodie and Jackson. I think Pip and Jeremy are with them.”

“Ball pit?” Beca quirked an eyebrow. “Chloe, I don’t own a ball bit.”

She shrugged. “You do now.”

Before Beca could say anything in response, a coral-manicured hand landed on her shoulder. “Happy birthday, Darlin’” Sheila said, turning Beca forcefully to face her and pressing an airy kiss to each cheek. “I’m glad you finally saw sense and got yourself the pretty girl. I was rootin’ for you two.”

Beca’s mouth twitched as she battled between smiling and letting her inner teen respond with something sarcastic. She cleared her throat and went with “thank you.”

As Sheila stepped back, Dr Mitchell moved over from where he had been stood next to Chloe. Beca immediately felt her anxiety levels rise. “What were you two talking about?” She asked as her father pulled her into a hug.

“Oh, nothing really” he said. “She was just asking me what my first name was. Turns out, all these years she’s not been calling me Dr Mitchell out of politeness. It’s just that she doesn’t know my name.”

Beca chuckled. “Seriously? She could have just asked me.”

Dr Mitchell shrugged. “Well, I said to her that, if she’s to be my future daughter in law, she should put aside the formalities and just call me…”

“Bec! Happy Birthday!”

Beca was pulled into a crushing hug as Jesse launched himself in her direction. “Easy, Swanson!” She groaned, pushing him off her and rearranging her hair. “I’m an old lady now. Don’t be pushing me around. These bones can’t take it.”

“Thirty-two is not old, idiot” he said with a smile. “Anyway, I heard there was a ball pit?”

Behind him, Beca watched as Faith rolled her eyes. “Yes, it’s not old but it’s older than five, Jess” she said with a fake sternness. “Honestly, boys and their toys.”

Beca scanned the garden. “If, ah, if that’s not your thing, I’d avoid getting caught in a one-on-one conversation with Benji over there.” She gave Faith a knowing look. “He’s an amateur close-up magician.” As Faith grimaced dramatically, Beca couldn’t help but wonder if Jesse did have a type after all.

“Thanks, I’ll bear that in mind.”

After everyone had helped themselves to food, Beca found herself sat at the outdoor table with Lennon in her lap, a plate of kid-friendly finger food in front of him.

“You okay?”Aubrey slipped into the next seat and smiled at Lennon. “Hi, buddy.”

“I’m all good.” Beca looked out at her yard, a space that had never seen so many people. Her eyes danced over every familiar face, each one attached to happy memories, and she smiled. “In fact,” her gaze landed on Chloe, smiling and laughing with Pip, “I think I might be the best I’ve ever been.”

Aubrey followed where she was looking and nodded. “You really love her, don’t you?”

Beca nodded. “I do. I really do.”

Chloe looked up from where she had been talking and tilted her head curiously in Beca’s direction. Aubrey pulled herself up and the two of them passed one another on the grass.

“Everything alright over here, captain antisocial?”

“Yes, thank you” Beca said, handing Lennon a carrot stick from his plate. “I’m just… contemplating.”

“Big words.”

“I know.” Beca leaned back, trying to rearrange the way Lennon was sitting to stop her legs from growing too uncomfortable. “I guess… I’m just grateful, you know? For you, for… for all these people who care. It’s nice.” She took a breath. “It’s really nice.”

Chloe reached out and slipped her fingers around Beca’s. “I know life is a little mad sometimes, but you’ve got good people, Bec. Really good people.” She smiled, blue eyes meeting blue, and tilted her head. “And you’ve got me. For as long as you’ll have me.” Her thumb rubbed reassuringly along the edge of Beca’s hand.

“I know. I… you do know life with us is always going to be crazy, right? Like, the terrain of whatever mad path we’ve been walking doesn’t get any smoother.”

“I know” Chloe smiled. “I just think you won’t notice the bumps as much when we’re walking it together.”

Beca squeezed her hand. “Together.”

Chloe glanced knowingly at her girlfriend. “That’s going to make it into a song, isn’t it?”

“Probably” Beca shrugged. “I’ll work it in somehow. Just like all the other lines you’ve used to win me over.”

“Well, I’ll look forward to my songwriting credit.” Chloe planted a soft kiss on Beca’s cheek. “Or my cut of the perfume sales. Whichever you decide.”

“I’ll let you know”.

Chloe emerged from the kitchen holding a candle-adorned cake.

“Alright, can someone take my child if there’s cake and fire?” Beca glanced expectantly towards where her dad was stood.

Before he could step forward, Pip scooped Lennon into her arms, trying her best to stay upright as he bounced excitedly. “I know, I know” she whispered, “you’ll get some in a second. Let your mama have her moment.”

Beca chuckled. Sometimes, Lennon was exactly like she had been as a child. It warmed her heart.

Chloe set the cake down on the table. Aubrey, ever the leader, led the entire party in a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’, herself and Chloe adding in their own harmonies as Beca watched on. Lennon, still kicking his legs, reached out, whining loudly.

Chloe took him from Pip and walked over to Beca. “Happy birthday, Bec” she said quietly. Beca smiled, leaning in for a soft kiss as Jesse (probably) whistled. Chloe gestured down to the cake as she bounced Lennon on her hip. “Are you going to make a wish?”

Beca glanced down at the candles, their soft glow illuminating the rustic edges of a homemade cake decorated with more sprinkles than should be entirely legal and what appeared to be a four-year-old-sized finger mark in the frosting.

She knew, then. She knew in her heart and in her head.

There was nothing left to wish for.

It was just her and him.

Nothing else.

-THE END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos or commented on this story. The feedback has blown my mind. I really appreciate you all and the kind words you have sent my way over the last few months- this was my first PP fanfic and I can't explain how nervous I was about posting it. Thank you for your patience. I did warn you it was a slow burn and I'm grateful people stuck around through all the drama!
> 
> I know some of you may be disappointed that I'm leaving the story here (just as it's getting started!). However, in my head the point at which Beca and Chloe were finally properly reunited and at the point of preparing for their future together, is the end of the story I wanted to tell. 
> 
> I hope my ramblings make sense. Once again, thank you for reading and thank you for being really nice about what I've written! It means a lot.


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